Lately Things Suck

I think I failed to mention that my posts will be sporadic for a while. Or maybe I mentioned it somewhere… I can’t really be bothered looking for it. That’s the problem. I can’t be bothered. The last week for me hasn’t been that great for me.

Sometimes I mention that I don’t always look after myself the best I can. I can be quite abusive towards myself and what I mean by that is that I really have a problem telling myself that I am doing a good job, that I’m a good person, that the lasagna I made a few weeks ago was really good, or that I am a good partner. That’s what I mean when I say that I abuse myself. I’m not harming myself physically, it’s just all done mentally and emotionally.

All of this self-doubt really has a huge toll on my overall health. When your brain is telling you that you suck at everything you do, sometimes it’s hard getting up in the mornings. Sometimes, it’s just really hard to function and I’ve experienced that over the last week. It seemed to be a lot worse than it has been, and that’s mostly because I’m in the middle of a two week training session. That’s probably the best way to put it since I want my main career to remain private. I’ve had to spend a lot of time away from home and my partner because I’m having to stay closer to where I am training. It takes about 2 hours travelling one-way going from home, and I just can’t see myself spending 4 hours a day travelling on top of an 8 hour workday. I’ve been staying with friends, but I still really miss my partner a lot.

I have said that I like our time apart, but I think I just need really small doses of that. A day is good. Weeks aren’t.

Going back to my health, if you can imagine seeing someone after they give up smoking in one day after they’ve smoked for 25 years, that’s what I am like. Four or five days of the week, my gut is upset. Let’s just say that I stay in a dehydrated state. My blood pressure is going higher. I feel like I am 30 years older than I really am. When things are really bad, I get migraines. This usually happens before assessments, exams, job interviews, work shifts, when I know I’m going to have to be in front of a large group of people, when I have to go to the store to get groceries, you name it.

Mid-week, one of my contacts tore and silly me didn’t bring a replacement, so my partner brought me some replacements. It doesn’t end there, but he wasn’t feeling well, yet he still spent the time to travel more than 3 hours to bring me what I needed. Then, he got me pizza. I really have a great guy and I’m lucky to have him. I’m even happier because I got to spend some of my weekend with him. I really needed that. By Friday, my mood was just abysmal. I missed a day, went to the doctor to explain how I’m feeling and how sick and tired I am being so anxious all the time because it’s not a good fit for what I’m doing. It really makes me sad. I like what I do but the anxiety really gets in my way of doing my job well (or more often).

I stop myself a lot from posting things like this because I don’t want to be one of those people online who list and brag about all their medical diagnoses, issues and problems. I don’t do this for attention. Sometimes I just need to get this stuff out, and if someone happens to come across something that I write that helps them understand what’s going on with them, I think that’s a good thing.

I choose not to smoke, drink (much), or do any drugs though I know they can have a calming effect. I just need to find another way to get my brain to relax. I haven’t found that yet though. (Actually, I think I have, but it’s extremely temporary.)

I guess that’s what’s happening. It’s why I’ve been in hiding… some of it is because I refuse to write these on a tablet since it takes me 10 times longer, but yeah, the mental bit has turned me off completely from wanting to do much. I’ll be back once this week is done. This is my last training thing for the rest of the year (except two days).

Bye for now.

Marriage Equality in Australia: Will It Happen?

Do you remember that marriage equality survey I was telling you about? You remember, right, the one that is wasting $122,000,000 of taxpayer money? Well, it’s going ahead. I’m still disgusted by this survey and I really, really wish that the money was being used for something else like healthcare, education, or actually helping the Australian community rather than dividing it.

It’s sad, but I don’t have much hope in something like that given the results of the US presidential election and the whole Brexit thing. There were some reports that only 65% of the voters will actually do this survey and when it comes to the 18-34 age group, the percentage is even lower. Not only that, the support for it is falling and the opposition is rising.

If someone wants to answer this, feel free to let me know. I’d love to see a good reason.

If the older generation get their way (on anything), nothing will change. Ever. These are the people whose lives are just about over and they aren’t going to have to live with the results. The younger generation, yes. They have every reason to do this because it is going to affect them (and their family and friends) for a lot longer. It really shouldn’t even be up to an opinion poll about whether this should be done because it doesn’t affect anybody else except the two consenting adults that get married.

I don’t care if churches can refuse to marry people of the same sex. I, personally, wouldn’t care because when I get married, it’s not a religious issue. It’s basically being with the person you want to be with and the legal benefits of being married. So if the religious groups want to say they won’t do it, then fine. They don’t have to. It’s super simple and that’s how it works in almost every country that it’s legalised in. No big deal.

It makes me think, if the US Supreme Court didn’t vote for marriage equality (directly or indirectly), would it be a reality now? I mean, if it were up to the people of the USA to vote for it, I don’t think it would be. I’m curious to know what you think with a short little poll.

Do you think marriage equality would exist in the USA if it were up to the voters to decide instead of the US Supreme Court?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

Why I Say Partner Instead

Have you noticed that a lot of times when I refer to my boyfriend, I say partner? I’ve been doing that a lot more since I’ve moved to this country because it’s what everybody else does. At first, when people told me anything about their “partner” I just assumed that they were either gay or lesbian. In my head, I was thinking “Wow, there sure are a lot of gay people here.” Then they’d actually mean someone of the opposite gender. For some reason, I started doing the same thing.

FB_IMG_1451003790038

You see, I come from a place where people can absolutely fall in love with you, love everything about you, but when it comes to your romantic relationship, you say that you’re with someone of the same sex and then all of a sudden they hate you. You know, forget the fact that you’ve single-handedly saved a bus full of drowning children or dogs, they’ll still hate your guts. All the good stuff they loved about you is all now forgotten. (If you’re lucky enough, you’ll get lectured how their religion is the only “right” religion and everybody’s supposed to live the same way they do.)

Telling people I have a partner here is basically not putting an emphasis on who I’m with. It doesn’t mean that I am ashamed of who I am, because I’m not. It’s just habit. I usually don’t have to build on that unless someone asks or if I mention it. Then, it’s no big deal. The great thing about living here is that most people don’t give a damn. I like to think it’s because people here just aren’t that religious or they’ve gotten past the part where you’re supposed to hate other people based on the fact they’re in a loving, happy relationship with someone of the same sex.

I still don’t really understand why people who are against marriage equality are so against it when it’s really not something that affects them directly. (As I say, it’s a non-issue and not worth making a huge deal about.) But, of course, and yet again,  I am drifting to some other topic…

Partner has become habit. People who know me totally get it and it allows me to talk really openly in front of groups of people who get their feelings hurt by marriage equality. But, there’s only so much shielding from their feelings I’ll do too. People change. Society changes. If you’re not ready to adapt to a changing society, then you need to lock yourself up in a room and watch The Andy Griffith Show reruns or something and keep voting for people who are scared of happy people.

Um, hopefully, that explains it. It’s just habit now. It doesn’t really emphasise that my relationship is unequal or inadequate in any way because it’s not. I’d like to think that people, as a whole, will come to accept that gay people exist and they can lead happy lives together, one day. Or my preference is that they just don’t really care. That’s my favorite. 🙂 (It’s what I wanted when I came out to my family.)

Sensing Fear and Homesickness

It’s a Sunday post that I am actually writing on a Sunday! Wow!

I’m just going to talk about something real quick that my partner told me today. He said he read somewhere on my blog that I need regular breaks from him. Recently, I also befriended an international student who’s here studying. I am not sure how that came about, but he’s young, and extremely homesick. He’s also a bit of a loner by choice, is really new to the area, doesn’t have much confidence in his English skills, and is really struggling to accept the way he is (aka gay but it’s a huge issue where he’s from). I’ve been trying to make him feel a bit better so that he’s not lonely and not afraid to go out there and socialize with people who speak English. In so many ways, I understand how he’s feeling because I’ve been through all of that (except I didn’t struggle with English. Australian English, yes). I just think sometimes people need some support. Homesickness is a horrible, horrible feeling when you feel like you don’t know anybody around. So, I am acting as a bit of support so he can become more confident in himself. I really don’t want him to turn into me!

Feeling homesick is awful, so if I can help someone else overcome this feeling, then I will.

My partner knows that I’ve been talking to him and I think that he’s starting to feel a bit uneasy that I am putting a lot of time into making this person I don’t know very well feel better. I had to explain that I am not interested in other guys (I’m not) and especially not this guy because he’s 15 years younger than me and even if I was single, that age wouldn’t and doesn’t interest me. (Fun fact: The age range I would seriously date is about 5 years younger to 10 years older.)

I just had to remind my partner that everything’s okay between us and I’m still as interested as I was from the beginning. I’m not looking to do any replacing because I am looked after really well and feel really loved. I struggle to show that love or return it, but it’s there. The international student also knows that I have a partner and I am sure they’ll meet one day.

This little situation makes me think that I must be doing some really annoying things so that J feels like I am trying to distance myself. Yes, I enjoy my time by myself (and I always have) and have a bit of a soft spot for people who get homesick. It doesn’t mean I am no longer interested. I’m still thinking about when our wedding will be. I haven’t been planning well lately!

That’s all for now. Still feeling a big heartache for the people near my hometown.

Harvey Aftermath

I know it’s been a while. If you’ve read my last post, you’ll know that my family and friends back in Texas were about to get affected by Hurricane Harvey. Well, they did and it was a lot worse than I expected. The flooding is absolutely horrible. I don’t want to sound overly dramatic but everybody there was affected. Most of the people I know have had their houses and cars flooded. It’s really hard to be across the world and watch this unfold.

rain

Most of the week, I spent reading news reports and the Facebook posts from people trapped in that mess. I didn’t want to leave the house. I didn’t want to go work. I didn’t want to do anything, and when I tried, I’d end up getting extremely anxious or depressed because there’s not a lot that I can do. Feeling helpless and powerless at a time like this is really difficult. I mean, really difficult and I let my brain take over.  I don’t really do very well when that happens because my stomach goes crazy and it’s so hard for me to concentrate. So, I’d slip into playing Starbound for a while to just get my head into a better place. (Hey, games are a much better alternative than anything else I could, but wouldn’t, do.)

flood

I’m still sad. Even today, more water is flooding my home town… even after the storm has left, the rivers area flooded and all that water has to go somewhere. Unfortunately, it’s heading into people’s houses, and lives really.

shelter

This is one of the negatives about living here. I love my family and friends over there and since I’ve moved here, I still think about them daily. I do shit on my home town a lot but that’s where many of the people I knew grew up and they’re used to being there. It’s hard to move from a place when you’re whole life is there. It’s extremely hard when nature forces that move.

Anyway, that’s where my brain is and that’s where I’ve been hiding… in a bubble (with Internet access). My partner and his family were the ones responsible for getting me out of that bubble. My sister also helped by telling me to stop beating myself up over something that I can’t do much about… and she’s right. I just wish there was SOMETHING I could do. (Do you know how tempted I was to try to fly there???)

If you were affected by the hurricane, I am truly sorry for what happened. I’m not much of a praying guy, but if that’s what you believe in, then I hope you do get as much love and support from that, seriously. Everybody needs something to believe in and if that’s what you use to get yourself through tough situations, I really hope that you’re blessed with the strength you need to move past this.

Hurricane Harvey

Evidence shows that hurricanes suck.

I’m still quite busy, but I said I’d post something this weekend. Right now, there’s a lot on my mind but one of the major things on my mind is the hurricane that’s about to hit Texas. In case you’ve stumbled into this web blog for the first time, that’s where I’m originally from and unfortunately, it’s not uncommon that we’d get a handful of hurricanes and tropical storms. I’ve been through a couple of bad ones and know that it isn’t fun, especially when you’re an adult. It scares me quite a lot because my family lives there and there hasn’t been a really bad storm since my dad passed away. So that means that my mom and sister are basically on their own (and my grandparents). There’s nothing worse than to be so far away and feel so helpless to do anything. That’s what’s bugging me right now.

I think this is one of the reasons why I halfway want to return to the USA. I mean, if I could move them all here, that would be awesome but I know that’s never going to happen. Not because of the problem of lack of money, but that they’re pretty much happy over there. They’re okay living in an area that has its share of bad storms and I guess they know what they’re in for or they would have probably left a long time ago. Maybe I’m just not giving them enough credit and underestimate how strong they really are.

I’m monitoring how things are going over there and I am really scared of the potential problems that may arise. I really hope that the president will do something to help them after the destruction, but I guess we’ll see what kind of “wonderful” guy these people voted for after it’s all done. I don’t have any respect for him, but if he handles this emergency situation well, then I might have a little bit for him. But I don’t know, he’ll probably just blame the people who live in Texas for living in Texas and say that it’s everybody’s fault. You know, it’s like those super ultra holy men who blame homosexual men for hurricanes? Hopefully he’s got more sense than that, but we’ll see.

OK, I went off there a little bit. I really hope that everything turns out okay for my family and friends over there. It worries me a lot and I think that’s where my brain will be over the weekend. It’s just the feeling helpless stuff. I’d tell my family just to move here where you can live on the coast and not have to worry about any storms whatsoever. I love that about living here. The worst it does here is flood, and that’s not often, and it’s not so bad.

Anyway, if you’re in the storm path or know people in the storm’s path, I sincerely hope that everything’s good. (Sorry, I’m not the praying type of guy.) My thoughts are with you. Stay safe!

Calm to Busy

There isn’t much to say today since I posted yesterday (but I feel like I need to post every Sunday).

What I do know is that this week is going to be crazy. I have a LOT to do, so I suspect my next post won’t be until next weekend.

The problem with this week is that I have a few important deadlines to meet and in a few weeks, I’m going off to do another few weeks of on-the-job training. I thought I should try to get a majority of my work done by then since I’ll basically be swamped with work-related junk the whole time.

So, until we meet again, or until either the US government or Australian government fuck up (for the billionth time), I’ll see you later.

Self-realisation

me

“Can you make everybody happy all the time, Ben?”

I wrote almost 7,000 words yesterday on my self-perceived weaknesses. I think I finished it, but decided this morning that I am probably not going to post it. It’s not because it’s too negative because it’s not. Sometimes seeing your own weaknesses can be a good thing because it can give you a good indication of what you can improve on to increase the quality of your life.

After I finished posting that, a few days later, I was going to post something about all the strengths I have to kind of negate the negativity, though I don’t really see it as negativity.

Something interesting and sad about me is that I can be really hard on myself. I think this comes to the surface a lot on my web blog and on Twitter. I’ve been trying not to do it so much lately and really, I think that I’ve done a good job. In reality, I know that I’m not a bad person, but at the same time, I don’t think that I’m a great person.

Why would I say such things? I know that I could be better but, to me, that takes a lot of energy. What “great” means to me is that I can solve everybody’s problems. I can make everybody happy all the time. I can put the maximise the time and energy into my personal relationships. All these things, I feel like I either don’t do well or fail on. It comes from this nagging feeling that everything I do or try to do is inadequate. A lot of times this inadequacy stops me from attempting to do things in fear that the end product won’t be good enough. That would explain all the projects that I start but don’t finish because I know that the end result won’t be that impressive. Sounds like I’m a perfectionist and with some things, I am, but mostly I’m not. I am afraid, even upset, at disapproval from others but I am my own harshest critic. I feel like I have to make everybody happy all the time. (I think I posted about this before.)

It’s just one of those not-so-great qualities about me. I think that summed up what I was trying to say in my last unpublished post.

It’s incredibly frustrating that I don’t have more time in the day. It’s also frustrating that the time I do have is filled with inadequacy too. I work hard (usually) at what I do, but the end result is never what I want… then I take it out on myself.

What does make me great is that I’m usually a very nice, thoughtful person. I’m not bitchy. I’m not mean (most of the time). I’m not racist. I don’t intentionally want to hurt people or their feelings. I try to be a source of support, but this is probably what exhausts me most and I still need to manage this. It’s something I have to provide to a lot of people each day so at the end of the day, I’m just mentally tired.

I always end these things badly (and again, the reoccuring theme pops up of this POST not being good enough), but I guess that can give you a better explanation of why I have over 40 unposted web blog drafts sitting around or why I can barely get any project out the door. It explains why I don’t do podcasting anymore. It explains why I was going to quit this web blog. It just explains a lot. But at the end of the day, I don’t see myself as horrible. Not even bad. I think I’m okay, you know, hovering over that 50% mark somewhere.

Reshuffling This Wedding Kerfuffle

Since the US presidential election and the politicians of Texas’s need to protect the state from things that aren’t godly, I’ve done a lot of thinking about how I am going to handle my wedding plans. The main reason why I wanted it to happen in Texas is so that my relatives and friends could be there for it, assuming I made a firm plan to do the whole marriage ritual thing. I haven’t made up my mind whether I wanted to do the marriage ceremony thing, or a celebratory thing afterwards. I’ve said before that I usually don’t like being the centre of attention unless I’ve got a dangerously high blood alcohol level. I don’t want to be that drunk on the day.

Lately, there have been talk about a stupid, unnecessary opinion poll about whether two adults of the same sex can get married or not here in Australia. To save you time from reading it, I said I don’t like this poll, but if I actually happens, marriage equality has my full support, obviously.

Assuming that passes and the government in power start to do the job they’re elected to do (still bitter), and marriage equality happens, I’m thinking to do it here–the first chance we get. Then, next year, I’ll do a small celebratory thing in the USA. I probably will have to talk this over with my immediate family first. I probably should talk about this with my partner as well! Haha.

As I said, these are just thoughts floating around in my head. I still don’t have dates. In fact, the dates have been scattered even more than before. This isn’t really good when you’re a planner.

I was also looking for a reason to use the word kerfuffle too. 😉

Who’s First?

I’m typing this from my partner’s brother’s place. I’m staying there tonight. It’s not such a big deal though because I do this every few weeks. Our place didn’t get flooded or burned down or anything. It’s just one of those things I try to do every so often. There’s usually quite a push from him to get it to happen. Today, it was actually one of the causes of our arguments.

Something that people who know me in real life know that I’m not the most social creature around. Some people know that I am happy being by myself 90-95% of the time. It’s not that I hate people, but I really like my solitude. I mean, I really like it.

He tends to think that it’s really easy to get me out and in front of people outside work. He thinks all my friends see me every time they ask. You can ask any of them whether I see them every time they ask or how many times I cancel on them. It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just that I require a whole lot of “me” time and I like that time. I even need regular breaks from my partner so I usually send him over here by himself. If gives me that time I require.

I’m not so sure where it stems from. Maybe it’s that my parents didn’t really encourage me to go out and socialize. I know for a fact that my mom, sister, and me are the same way I am. My dad was a lot better. It’s not something I do well and have tried to be better at, but I’m not. I’d go months without seeing the key people in my life. That includes family when I am in Texas.

He reminds me that Indian families aren’t really like that and I need to change my mind frame in regards to seeing people who are family. It’s really difficult for me to do. What I don’t like is how he told me today that he’s just going to tell them that I don’t like them and I don’t like coming to their place which isn’t true. It’s really infuriating because that’s a lie. I did make a compromise today and came here to make him happy when otherwise I wouldn’t have bothered because the arguments we had earlier make me even less likely to want to do things for him. Things are fine now though. I’m about to head to bed but I’m definitely going to post this a few hours into the future.

Good night!