Self-realisation

me

“Can you make everybody happy all the time, Ben?”

I wrote almost 7,000 words yesterday on my self-perceived weaknesses. I think I finished it, but decided this morning that I am probably not going to post it. It’s not because it’s too negative because it’s not. Sometimes seeing your own weaknesses can be a good thing because it can give you a good indication of what you can improve on to increase the quality of your life.

After I finished posting that, a few days later, I was going to post something about all the strengths I have to kind of negate the negativity, though I don’t really see it as negativity.

Something interesting and sad about me is that I can be really hard on myself. I think this comes to the surface a lot on my web blog and on Twitter. I’ve been trying not to do it so much lately and really, I think that I’ve done a good job. In reality, I know that I’m not a bad person, but at the same time, I don’t think that I’m a great person.

Why would I say such things? I know that I could be better but, to me, that takes a lot of energy. What “great” means to me is that I can solve everybody’s problems. I can make everybody happy all the time. I can put the maximise the time and energy into my personal relationships. All these things, I feel like I either don’t do well or fail on. It comes from this nagging feeling that everything I do or try to do is inadequate. A lot of times this inadequacy stops me from attempting to do things in fear that the end product won’t be good enough. That would explain all the projects that I start but don’t finish because I know that the end result won’t be that impressive. Sounds like I’m a perfectionist and with some things, I am, but mostly I’m not. I am afraid, even upset, at disapproval from others but I am my own harshest critic. I feel like I have to make everybody happy all the time. (I think I posted about this before.)

It’s just one of those not-so-great qualities about me. I think that summed up what I was trying to say in my last unpublished post.

It’s incredibly frustrating that I don’t have more time in the day. It’s also frustrating that the time I do have is filled with inadequacy too. I work hard (usually) at what I do, but the end result is never what I want… then I take it out on myself.

What does make me great is that I’m usually a very nice, thoughtful person. I’m not bitchy. I’m not mean (most of the time). I’m not racist. I don’t intentionally want to hurt people or their feelings. I try to be a source of support, but this is probably what exhausts me most and I still need to manage this. It’s something I have to provide to a lot of people each day so at the end of the day, I’m just mentally tired.

I always end these things badly (and again, the reoccuring theme pops up of this POST not being good enough), but I guess that can give you a better explanation of why I have over 40 unposted web blog drafts sitting around or why I can barely get any project out the door. It explains why I don’t do podcasting anymore. It explains why I was going to quit this web blog. It just explains a lot. But at the end of the day, I don’t see myself as horrible. Not even bad. I think I’m okay, you know, hovering over that 50% mark somewhere.

Reshuffling This Wedding Kerfuffle

Since the US presidential election and the politicians of Texas’s need to protect the state from things that aren’t godly, I’ve done a lot of thinking about how I am going to handle my wedding plans. The main reason why I wanted it to happen in Texas is so that my relatives and friends could be there for it, assuming I made a firm plan to do the whole marriage ritual thing. I haven’t made up my mind whether I wanted to do the marriage ceremony thing, or a celebratory thing afterwards. I’ve said before that I usually don’t like being the centre of attention unless I’ve got a dangerously high blood alcohol level. I don’t want to be that drunk on the day.

Lately, there have been talk about a stupid, unnecessary opinion poll about whether two adults of the same sex can get married or not here in Australia. To save you time from reading it, I said I don’t like this poll, but if I actually happens, marriage equality has my full support, obviously.

Assuming that passes and the government in power start to do the job they’re elected to do (still bitter), and marriage equality happens, I’m thinking to do it here–the first chance we get. Then, next year, I’ll do a small celebratory thing in the USA. I probably will have to talk this over with my immediate family first. I probably should talk about this with my partner as well! Haha.

As I said, these are just thoughts floating around in my head. I still don’t have dates. In fact, the dates have been scattered even more than before. This isn’t really good when you’re a planner.

I was also looking for a reason to use the word kerfuffle too. 😉

Who’s First?

I’m typing this from my partner’s brother’s place. I’m staying there tonight. It’s not such a big deal though because I do this every few weeks. Our place didn’t get flooded or burned down or anything. It’s just one of those things I try to do every so often. There’s usually quite a push from him to get it to happen. Today, it was actually one of the causes of our arguments.

Something that people who know me in real life know that I’m not the most social creature around. Some people know that I am happy being by myself 90-95% of the time. It’s not that I hate people, but I really like my solitude. I mean, I really like it.

He tends to think that it’s really easy to get me out and in front of people outside work. He thinks all my friends see me every time they ask. You can ask any of them whether I see them every time they ask or how many times I cancel on them. It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just that I require a whole lot of “me” time and I like that time. I even need regular breaks from my partner so I usually send him over here by himself. If gives me that time I require.

I’m not so sure where it stems from. Maybe it’s that my parents didn’t really encourage me to go out and socialize. I know for a fact that my mom, sister, and me are the same way I am. My dad was a lot better. It’s not something I do well and have tried to be better at, but I’m not. I’d go months without seeing the key people in my life. That includes family when I am in Texas.

He reminds me that Indian families aren’t really like that and I need to change my mind frame in regards to seeing people who are family. It’s really difficult for me to do. What I don’t like is how he told me today that he’s just going to tell them that I don’t like them and I don’t like coming to their place which isn’t true. It’s really infuriating because that’s a lie. I did make a compromise today and came here to make him happy when otherwise I wouldn’t have bothered because the arguments we had earlier make me even less likely to want to do things for him. Things are fine now though. I’m about to head to bed but I’m definitely going to post this a few hours into the future.

Good night!

An Expensive, Unnecessary, Taxpayer-Funded Opinion Poll for Marriage Equality?

It looks like the Australian government’s same-sex marriage plebiscite thing has a chance of happening. In case you’re too lazy to click the link, basically it’s an opinion poll whether voters think that the law should be amended to allow same-sex couples to marry.

Is it a good way to gauge the enrolled voters’ opinion? Or should they just read any of the opinion polls that were done for the past ten years and realise that people want and have wanted this to happen and save the $122,000,000 (or more) it will cost to run this unnecessary opinion poll?

I have a few problems with this little proposition the government has put forward.

This opinion poll is non-binding meaning, if people in a certain electorate vote to amend the law (“YES”), but the representative thinks two people of the same-sex are icky and need a new, heavy Bible, then they can vote against it in Parliament. If it was binding, that would make me feel a lot better about it. It’s still an awful idea–unless they add something else to the “ballot” (or questionnaire, really) like euthanasia.

This opinion poll is a hotbed for disrespect on BOTH sides of the fence. There is going to be a lot of nastiness, disrespect, and hatred being spewed out from this. I can’t really see a respectful debate happening from a lot of people.

The law, when it was changed from neutral to a man + woman, wasn’t changed in the same process. No one asked the public what they thought. No money was spent for one person to make the decision for the rest of us. It was changed in one day (which COULD BE DONE TODAY IF ONLY THE LIBERALS WOULD ALLOW IT) by someone who is afraid of change.

This opinion poll (and I’m calling it that because that’s what it is–an expensive opinion poll, but I’ll get to that later) is not compulsory like other elections are. Since it’s not classified as a “real” election, people living overseas can’t just waltz into an embassy in another country and vote. That’s a big problem for those men and women who had to leave Australia to marry their partner because they couldn’t do it here.

It’s expensive. I’d much, much, MUCH rather see my tax money being spent on something else than an opinion poll. There are so many other things that money can be spent on:

  • Health care
  • Homelessness
  • Animal welfare
  • Domestic abuse
  • Drug/alcohol programs
  • Domestic violence programs
  • Training new medical staff
  • Funding aged care and senior pensioners
  • Renewable energy
  • Mental health services
  • Disability services
  • Child protection services
  • Better communication infrastructure
  • Better transportation infrastructure
  • …you get my point

This opinion poll will be rife with fraud. The Prime Minister said in the past that would be a big problem with it. So now, he’s okay with it? Is that right? Because he knows that if he goes along with a free vote, he’ll lose power since it’s the zealots who are keeping him in power and they’re the ones pulling the strings?

As a gay man myself, I feel very unhappy, upset, and angry because it came to this point. If the PM would allow a free vote, it could happen today, but as I said, he has to make the religious nut jobs who keep him in power happy. I guess what I’m saying is that he has no backbone, he’s weak, and doesn’t stand up for what he, himself, believes is right.

I really hope that the government party in power right now get voted out next time. I’m tired of them. I’m tired of this. I hope he loses his job and quits politics. Marriage equality should have happened a LONG TIME AGO in this country.

Though I don’t like it, I’ll still participate in this little poll. I still think it’s incredibly dumb, expensive, and a waste of money but if that’s what it takes to get marriage equality to happen in this country, then I’ll do it. To me, boycotting this stupid process isn’t worth it.

Mac = Media Frenzy

Owning a new Mac gives me an uncontrolable urge to make things. I’ve tried podcasting a few times in the past and it went well the first time around. It was an exciting time of my life when I was moving from the USA to Australia, and I was in a relationship with someone who I probably needed to call it quits on. It was interesting. It was fun recording them with my friends in Texas.

podcast

Not gonna happen, still.

Then, all of a sudden something happened and I stopped. I think it was just a case of “Why bother?” And I stopped. Later, I decided to do another one under a new name, and my heart just wasn’t in it. I felt like they were forced and I’d go into them with not much to say. It made for some really boring listening material. So many people at the time did them and they did so much better than I did. (That’s okay and it’s not meant to be negative. It’s just true.)

Every so often I go back to considering whether I want to record again. The answer has been no every time. The answer is still no.

Something that I have learned from my university studies is video production. I’ve been wanting to do something with it, but haven’t done much yet. I will though. I made my partner’s last cooking video very quickly because he was thinking about making a cooking channel on YouTube. I recorded it with my phone, and fired up iMovie, to make a simple video. (No, I wasn’t trained to use iMovie. I am trained in Premiere Pro and After Effects.) Most of that was to see whether he could explain to people how to cook Indian food. He did an okay job though. It was an excellent first attempt for him. I’ve been trying to talk him into doing something, but he’s always got other pressing matters to tend to–pressing matters that he refuses to acknowledge so I am nagging him a lot lately.

ae-feature3-540x400

I’m also thinking of making gameplay videos at some point, but I’m not really sure 100% about that. I don’t want to really become rich and famous or anything. I just want to be able to do something that I enjoy, I guess you could say, and then edit it into a beautiful-ish masterpiece. (We know a masterpiece won’t happen!)

So it’s all about media. I am just thinking of what I want to do. If you have suggestions for me, you can comment here, leave me a message with Telegram, or send me an email.

PS: Amateur porn probaly isn’t going to happen.

Happy Birthday to My Other Half

Happy Birthday Your Name Here cake

Your Name Here is such a nice name. I wish that was my name.

Somebody’s got a birthday today! Hint: It’s not me. Luckily, I have the day off today but have to get up at an unreasonable time in the morning (4 am), so I’ll be spending as much time as I can with my partner during the daytime hours.

We’re going out, but I don’t know where. I guess it’s going to be wherever he wants. I’ll have to hobble everywhere because I pulled my left calf muscle (look at the anatomical position)… while I was in bed… while watching YouTube videos. It was the worst pain I’ve been in before. I must need more potassium and magnesium. Banana bread with walnuts will do it!

Anyway, this is short and sweet today. I need to finish off a bit of my work and head off. I hope everybody is doing well and a lot better than how my body has been treating me lately.

Were you looking for ultra, sickenly sweet stuff here? I live to disappoint. 🙂

They Put the Charging Port Where?

Not that I’ve had to recharge my Magic Mouse yet, but decided that I would do it anyway. My keyboard and mouse that I got with my iMac were about 90% charged when I got them, so I thought I’d just let them run out of juice before I charge them again. Impatient me wouldn’t let it happen.

The keyboard is a bit better. I wanted the full-sized keyboard, but didn’t want the 2 extra weeks it would take them to pack it in the box. Charging my keyboard is fine. No big problem there. Why? Because the charging port is in a logical place.

Apple Magic Keyboard

Probably the most logical place to put a charging port. Way to go, Apple!

With the Magic Mouse, the charging port isn’t really in a logical place. But, really, where could they have put it? (Hint: probably on the side)

Apple Magic Mouse 2

So what happens when this is a person’s ONLY mouse? Do they just have to wait until it charges? (I don’t really think that it takes very long to charge, but still, have to bitch about something.)

Honestly, I’m not a big fan of this mouse. I had another Magic Mouse but it was the first version of it. I didn’t really like that one either. It didn’t work very well with Monstro, my old Mac Pro. A friend of mine borrowed it and never bothered to return it, so yeah.

So what do I use? I use this old, worn out thing:

Beat-up, reliable optical Dell mouse

Trusty, reliable, old Dell mouse that I think I’ve had since I’ve first arrived in Australia. It doesn’t have a rubber ball or I wouldn’t be using it. I can’t go back to that!

The putting charging ports in stupid places isn’t only an Apple thing either. My Sony Xperia Z3 has it on the side. That’s not such a bad problem until you realize that the cover on it hinges on that side, so you can’t charge it with its cover closed. (I’m turning this phone into a home security camera, by the way.)

Usually Apple gets the design of their products right. The Magic Mouse is my only problem so far. This new computer has been awesome so far. I should be getting a delivery of memory in a few days to boost its performance. Right now, I have 8 GB of memory installed and have run into no problems so far. I’m going to put in another 32 GB of  memory into this thing, then later, replace the 8 GB with another 32 GB. Crazy! I haven’t owned a computer with more than 8 GB of memory. Even 8 GB in my laptop was starting to do a terrible job.

That’s all from me at the moment. I’m just working on some video-related stuff now, since I have a computer that won’t choke on video editing software.

Gay Money

I posted a pretty interesting question on Twitter yesterday that said:

...does the USA or Texas deserve my gay foreign money?

gaymoneySomething that you probably already know is that I, like 64% of Americans, hate the current direction of US politics. We have an ineffective leader who is more interested in keeping his own interests afloat and making those with the inability to distinguish the difference between church and state happy. We have a man who is too busy making himself look good rather than making our country look good in control, something that I never thought would happen. We have a man who claims to be a LGBT+ ally, yet disrespects people in our community every chance he gets.

One of the things I am most afraid of is planning my wedding there and some religious nut job getting his way where it can’t happen. He’s already attacking trans people and trying to dismantle my right to marry the man I love.

I don’t like this feeling. 

I’m rethinking whether I want to get married in Texas or not because I don’t agree with our hateful politicians. The services and goods I purchase there (plus the taxes I pay) go back to paying this never-ending cycle of hate. I don’t really want to be a part of that. It’s a bit sad because I wanted to do it locally for my family, but I am not confident in the USA (or Texas) anymore. I just don’t.

Why should I give more of my money to them if I can avoid it completely? (As a US citizen, I’m still required to pay tax on foreign earned income.)

I don’t see things getting better. I see them getting worse–a lot worse. So I’m going to back away with caution for now and either wait for marriage equality here in Australia, or jump across to New Zealand and do it there. Maybe then, I can go to the USA with some Oreos from here (proudly made in China) and have a cookies and water party.

I’d much rather spend money in a country that has laws protecting the people of my community. Though I can’t get married here, I still have more legal protections here than I would in the USA, simply because of who I love.

My Stuff, Delivered. Or Not.

Let me preface this by saying that I hate having anything delivered in Australia. There’s so much I can complain and bitch about right now. Late last week, I ordered some office furniture because my iMac is sitting on something that resembles a little cart you’d put a microwave on. It has wheels. It’s quite convenient, but I am a little afraid that I’ll wheel it somewhere and BAM, it will fall to the ground. It’s not something I really want to happen.

So yes, I ordered 3 desks knowing that I would be away from home most of the next week. I thought my stuff would arrive on Friday. Well, over the weekend I got an email saying that it was being prepared for shipping, so I thought they’d get to it on Tuesday or something. Well, no, they sent it from the warehouse on Monday morning. The warehouse is really close too, so they tried delivering it on Monday. That was okay, the worst they can do is leave one of those cards that say “WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?”. They tried again on Tuesday. I called them that day and said, that I wasn’t expecting it to be delivered so early and needed it delivered Friday. They said they made a note of it. Well, they tried to deliver it again on Wednesday so finally I said fuck it and came home to wait for them to drop it all off. So here I am.

During this process, I would check my orders with the company I bought it from online and discovered that my order wasn’t found in the system 90% of the time. My account said that I had no orders. I was worrying whether I’d ever see my furniture or not.

I am just pissed that these companies don’t really communicate with you. They tell you a week, and you expect a week, so you plan on leaving the area until then. I mean, if I were at home, that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. It would be nice to get your stuff early. Not this time. I get to sit around again waiting for it to show up.

So maybe tomorrow I’ll be assembling desks. Or maybe not. Who the hell knows what’s happening anymore?