Perpetual Angst

Ah, what a lazy Sunday, or at least it’s supposed to be. I have to do some training stuff this week which I dread. That starts tomorrow. With just about everything new (not really new, just in a new place), my brain is working overtime and my stomach is in knots. My relaxing weekend wasn’t that relaxing and it passed really, really quick. I’m not even sure if I’m going to be able to sleep tonight, but I really hope so. I keep downplaying this anxiety, but it’s only working minimally. At any rate, I’ll do a good job.

The Scream by Edvard Munch, painted in 1893 (and my best friend’s favourite painting). Kinda how I feel in public sometimes.

The smallest, most insignificant things tend to stress me. When I was a kid, I swear to you I would have stomach aches almost every morning. I’d go to the school nurse who would just explain that I probably needed to use the toilet. I never went and I think that might have started my fear of public toilets. I don’t know. I just remember it being really annoying.

When I was older, it started happening almost every day of school. Then it hit me at college/university and threatened to stop me from going because it was getting so bad. It followed me into my work life where I take a lot of sick days because of that fear of the unknown. Sometimes I can ignore it and get on with my life, sometimes, I can’t and it’s really embarrassing when I’m somewhere and I’m shaking so bad and people start asking me why. I have to explain that I’m just really nervous and anxious. I hate that part of me. I hate not being able to write sometimes because I’m fogged over in this fear that I can’t explain. It really sucks.

Instead of focusing on that though, I have to say that I am doing better with it in a few ways. I am pushing myself to do more things, you know, like getting in front of people and talking. People tend to like my presentations and such because I make people laugh. I like that. What they don’t know though is how much will-power it takes to do it.

Last week, I had to get a blood serology done. I put it off for weeks because I absolutely hate getting blood drawn. I can’t stand it. My partner said he’d go with me the next week and I said okay. A few minutes later, I had a pep talk with myself and said to stop procrastinating. I went to do it a few minutes later. I still hated it and the decision to do it was exhausting, but hey, I did it… and I’m still alive.

I think I just need to go a little bit easier on myself because at the end of the day, I’m not a bad person. I don’t do anything illegal, I don’t be mean for the sake of being mean, and I don’t harm myself or anybody else. So I need to give myself credit for being someone who does good things. I just have that problem where I care for other people more than myself, and even then that goes very, very wrong.

So, yeah, I’d love to get rid of my anxieties and fears. I wish I could have enjoyed life without them because I want to do so much more and I’m regretful that I haven’t, but I can start now, am I right?

That’s what is in my head at the moment. I should look forward to tomorrow, being in a new environment and given a new set of problems to solve. I can do this. I will do this. I have to find a way to break the cycle.

Why Being Gay in Australia is Better than the USA

I don’t really intend to make this a weblog about marriage equality, but the excitement is still lingering for me and many other Australians. I was thinking about something though about being gay in the United States. The lawmakers in many states (and probably nationwide) are constantly thinking of many creative ways how they can make marriage equality a little less equal and etch discrimination into the laws to make it a lot less meaningful. They essentially think like “well, we have to live with it, but let’s make it as hard as possible for them, so we can still believe that our marriages are still superior”. So, you have all these lawmakers scrambling to allow states to remove benefits for same-sex couples and how to make it harder to get weddings done. I’ve already explained my stance on that, which is basically if someone isn’t going to put their whole heart and energy into my plans (because of who I’m with) then someone else will. Again, let me iterate that I don’t think that’s nice and under most circumstances, it shouldn’t be legal to withhold products and services from someone just because you don’t like them or agree with them.

Anyway, the point of this is that here in Australia, I don’t think I will be seeing much of the “waaaaah, I have to bake cookies for a newlywed gay couple” stuff like there is in the USA. But, I’ve also told many, many, many people here that whether they realise it or not, the USA (its people and laws) is deeply entrenched in religion. You don’t really see that until you’re American and go somewhere else that 100% guarantees freedom from religion (which I think is GREAT). (Even during Christmas, may I add: no one is whining about red cups. No one is bitching about people saying Happy Christmas or Happy Holidays. Do you know why? Because people have better things to do.) Also, people in the USA, or at least where I am originally from, are really eager to gag and choke others with their religion.

You can understand why it’s so difficult for me to want to go and live in the USA where a few years later, people still aren’t over the fact that people of the same sex can marry. The laws that the state governments and federal government make or change proves that. I don’t need to have my feet on US soil to see that. I hear it directly from people, not from “fake news” websites. It’s really sad.

Australia’s discrimination laws are so much better than the USA. You can’t do half of what some of the states in the USA can get away with. No one gives two shits about trans people using restrooms (tee-hee). No one can discriminate, COUNTRY-WIDE, based on sexual preference, gender identity, religion, etc. It’s all been law basically since I’ve been here. That’s because people don’t get their knickers in a twist. That’s why I love Australia. The marriage equality, which is law now, meaning people could get married today if they could, is just the icing on the gay cake baked by someone who doesn’t care who they bake a cake for. It’s just another reason why I love my adopted country like I do and always will.

I do think that there will be some “protections” happening in Australia at some point, but at least the government is actually looking into how things stand at the moment or in the distant future before any of those “protections” become law. (Discriminatory laws DO NOT AND WILL NOT PASS here, Americans.)

It’s kind of hilarious because people think I have this real hatred towards the USA. I’m always making points why life is so much better over here than here, but seriously, it is a great place to live and I’m honestly a lot more happier here, but home is where my family is and I don’t hate it. I dislike quite a few things about it right now, but when I have a chance to move back, I will. (I really wish I could just move everybody here.) The USA has given me a lot of great opportunities in the past and it was all I knew until I first came here. I’ve seen the other side of the fence and love it, that’s all. I wish the USA was more progressive and really wish that people would stop latching on to all their fears to vote in inexperienced, weak leaders who want to spend more time telling people what they can’t do to make themselves feel better. Oh well, hopefully one day people there will wake up.

Marriage Equality: Now in Australia!

Finally! Marriage equality has been passed in Australia. I’ve been telling people who I would be extremely surprised if it was legalised by Christmas like they promised. I thought that the debate in Parliament would have been much nastier and full of delays, but colour me surprised!

At the end, they were trying to push through amendments (some had no possibility of passing) but all were voted down. This included things that included civil celebrants (not the people in the church) to object marrying based on their religious beliefs and personal beliefs.

I’m a little split on my feelings about that. I wouldn’t really expect someone with strong religious beliefs to marry me with another man if they weren’t comfortable with it. I wouldn’t a fuss or go to Facebook and leave them really nasty messages. I’d let it go. What one person won’t do, someone else will. I think courtesy goes a long way. If someone isn’t going to make me a cake, then well, they just lost a sale and as long as they’re not nasty about it, it’s all good. I don’t want to be called names or feel like a terrible person when I’m wedding cake shopping. I don’t think religion should allow people to be assholes, which I am afraid would happen with some of the amendments.

So what’s in store for me regarding this? I’ve been waiting for this result for a while to determine what will happen in 2018 and have made a decision that I will most likely marry in Australia and celebrate it in the USA. Two separate events but I don’t know how big and/or small they will be. I have to work on that during my time off.

I’m still mentally processing what this means because I haven’t been in a country long enough where it’s legal. It scares me a little bit. There’s a lot of uncertainty (in my head) surrounding marriage. It’s something we’ve been chatting about lately. Every time something changes, I get a little more confused! Haha.

Anyway, HUGE congratulations for the win to the whole Australian LGBTI community.

 

Under the Tree

Totally not my tree… or presents…

Tonight, my partner’s working late, so I left the Christmas tree on for him to be able to see his way around. But you know something? It took me about 10 minutes to decide that I was going to do that. It was either the Christmas tree or a floor lamp in the corner. I kept going back and forth between the two.

I noticed something though. When the Christmas tree’s lights are turned on, it makes me think back when I was a kid and I’d fall asleep under the tree (and believe it or not, I never once knocked it over). I’d build houses out of the presents (never opened any, even on accident) and play with my toys. Those were some simpler times then. Now, I think about my mom, being back at her house, and just the general sadness I feel because I am not there spending the holidays with her.

I do miss her at this time of the year a lot and on my birthday, it hit me really hard. I was quite the depressed one so I slept for most of it. My partner was irritated with me because I didn’t decide where I wanted to go to eat during the day, so I just stayed home and slept. I was a sad guy and just hid from everybody for the night. The weather was garbage and I just wasn’t feeling it.

I’ve never been big on the Christmas holidays here. It hardly feels like Christmas to me. I remember one year, I just boiled some sausages/weenies and made hotdogs then played games. It wasn’t too bad. Other years, I just went to work.

In the USA, it’s always a really nice feeling on Christmas Eve and Christmas. I get sad when it’s over though, but it’s still nice. Then, New Year’s Eve comes and it’s like a party all over again! Even now, I’m getting homesick so I probably should stop. This is probably why I am always thinking of going back home to stay for good at this time of the year.

My Birthday is Wet and Tame

Another year rolls on over on the good old birthday clock today. Today’s my birthday and it’s really a crappy day as far as the weather goes. The weather in Melbourne is supposed to be really awful today. Luckily, I live about 50 miles (or 80 kilometers) away from Melbourne, so the rain hasn’t been that bad. It makes me feel a little bad because I’ve cancelled all my plans to go into the city and I don’t even think it’s raining here. However, I looked at the news and it’s already pretty gross, so I guess I’ll be attempting to be productive from home today. It’s been so hot lately that getting anything done has been really difficult and it has cooled off, so why not?

Something I feel is interesting is how my partner makes me stay up until midnight the day before my birthday. I’m usually in bed around 10 pm, so staying up isn’t a pleasant experience for me. I’ve always just waited until the day of my birthday around 6 pm to do the whole cake thing, but not here. It’s sweet, regardless. He acts more excited about it than me. Haha.

My mom is always reminding me that it’s not really my birthday today. I mean, well, right this second it’s still considered November 30th. She’s always quick to tell me that if I want to do it right, I’m going to have to wait until 5 pm later today (when it’s midnight in Texas) to start celebrating.

You know how I said I cancelled my plans? Well I am not doing much today. Part of the birthday present to myself is supposed to arrive today. I got myself some American peanut butter (it’s Jif… the American part is important since I don’t like the peanut butter here), grape jelly, and sugar-free strawberry banana Jello. The sugar-free part is important. I’ve always liked the sugar-free versions of Jello a bit more than I liked the regular Jello. I’m not sure why. I got it for $1 a box which is a really good deal in this country.

My partner had gotten me a Google Home Mini for my birthday which is really sweet. I really like that thing. It’s really handy. I didn’t name it Mini Willy. I think that it has a name like “Bedroom Speaker” or something which isn’t really true since I moved it out of my bedroom. I miss it being in my bedroom though.

So that’s it from me at the moment. I’m approaching the big 4-0 soon and getting back to the USA is nagging at me. I hope that I can get there soon, but as usual, it has to wait a bit. I am just not sure I can live away from Australia anymore. It’s a very hard decision.

Emergency! This is the Point of No Return!!!

It’s a real emergency, you guyz.

I don’t even know why I blurred this guy’s username and photo, honestly. I really don’t. I don’t even know where to start with this guy.

My partner and I have profiles at a certain dating website. Our profiles are linked so it’s not really a “secret” that I’m with someone. This website lets me know who has visited my profile and this guy looked at my profile like a dozen times in one day.

So this little charmer started chatting with me. I figured, he’s not really good looking and probably doesn’t get to chat with a lot of people, so I’ll make some polite conversation with him. Oh geez, what a mistake. He started asking really weird questions like am I into wrestling. Do I like piggy back rides? Do I like dressing up like a ghost and running through poorly lit cemeteries? Okay, that last one wasn’t real, but I am really surprised he didn’t. It was just really weird. Some involved bodily fluids. Let’s just say… gross. My replies start going hours apart. Doesn’t phase him any–he keeps going.

He pushes it into high gear trying to make moves on me, asking me to meet him, what I like to do in bed, you know, the typical gay men chatter. If you didn’t know, this is what 70% of conversations are like. I said “Dude, you do know that I have a partner, don’t you?” And he actually said no! I don’t really get what he’s doing looking at my profile so much because he’s obviously not paying attention that I am partnered.

For the next several days he keeps messaging me those “hi”, “what r u doing”, or “hey” messages. I don’t reply to them. Then I finally get this one and have to admit it really made me laugh. Since when is getting a Steam gift card (gaming distributor) an emergency? And by today?! I mean, I could probably still make the deadline, but… what the fuck? This guy needs to grow a brain and get his priorities in order.

Oh, and he’s totally not my type too. He’s definitely not good-looking. If I was available and single, I would have rather died bitter, desperate, and alone rather than put up with someone with the IQ of a tablespoon of applesauce.

The experience from wanting to be nice was horrid and I wish it would just end. I guess I’m going to finally just have to tell the guy to fuck off. Maybe someone else will put up with his dumb ass, but I’m not. Not even for a chat.

Oh, and as I type this, he sent me another identical message. I will go now.

New Coat Of War Paint

winter

I have been waiting for Thanksgiving to be over because I wasn’t really a big fan of the dead leaf autumn look (brown, orange, yellow, etc). In the matter of a week, my favourite time of the year is upon us. Well, it’s certainly not my favourite time of the year in the southern hemisphere, but it is in the northern hemisphere and that’s what counts, hmm?

To show my love towards the colder months that I wish I was in right now, I decided to change WordPress themes and do some colour changes.

Of course, when I do changes from one theme to another one, stuff can get seriously fucked up. Things may not look so great, and I’m going to try to find and fix them myself since the number of visitors I get here is lucky to go into the 3 digit range. (Sorry for refusing to put all my dirty laundry up on Facebook, guyz.)

That’s it for now. Welcome, a little early, December and wishes that it was winter again.

Birthday Day Planning Isn’t My Thing

Bad, bad, bad of me. My birthday’s coming up and everybody around here is asking me what I’m going to do for it. Since I’ve been here, most of the time, I just do something small like have a potluck at the park or gather at a restaurant. This year is a little special because I haven’t made ANY plans and the day is coming up next week.

On the day of my birthday, my partner is busy during the morning and I am busy from the late morning until dinner time so my time’s a bit limited. I’m not sure what I’m going to do.

My birthday invitation would look something like this:

party
A beautiful use for Comic Sans, don’t you think?

I don’t know but party planning isn’t something I have a lot of interest in, but at the same time, I don’t really want someone else to do it for me. It’s a really weird situation to be in. I feel a little stressed to do something though. I just don’t want it to spill into the weekend since my partner works weekends.

I think one of the reasons I don’t like planning these things is because one of the last times I did, only two or three people showed up (but it was also in the middle of the week).

When I was a kid, my birthday parties were really simple. I wasn’t one of those kids who had birthday parties at McDonald’s, skating rinks, or at pizza places. They were always at home or at a relative’s house. When I’d get invitations from my friends to go to their parties at their places, I’d get a tiny bit jealous a time or two, but I was pretty happy with this arrangement. My birthday was usually family-centered though. I kinda miss that now that I live overseas. Something I especially miss is how my parents would let me anything I wanted for dinner.

So parties and celebrations aren’t my thing anyway and haven’t ever been a big thing for me. Give me a plate of tacos and a chocolate cake and I am happy! So I’m not really sure what I’m going to do, though I really could go for a super good burger!

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

Don’t worry. I’m not going into social justice warrior mode for this post. I wouldn’t anyway. I wanted to wish my American readers a very happy Thanksgiving, no matter what you’re doing and whoever you’re doing it with.

One of the questions I’m asked is if I do Thanksgiving in Australia. I don’t. People have asked me to, but there are a few problems with this:

  • I have never cooked a turkey before.
  • I have never cooked a ham before.
  • I don’t cook meat very often.
  • I have never cooked 90% of the stuff we normally have on Thanksgiving. (I could probably make a ton of mashed potatoes. That’s it.)
  • I’m too lazy to spend a day cooking.
  • Even if I tried to cook this stuff, I probably wouldn’t succeed.
  • No cooking I do is good as my mother’s or grandmother’s.
  • It’s a ton of carbohydrates… not that I care.

That’s my list of excuses. Plus, I just don’t do it here. No reason for me to do it here, especially cooking like this on a Thursday. People will think I’ve flipped the insane switch in my head.

The Games I’m Playing During My Downtime

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’ve been focusing on feeling a little bit better and it’s worked minimally. I’m coughing my guts up every morning which isn’t really such a bad thing since it’s productive coughing. It’s a bit gross, but right now gross is good, especially since I have to get back into my regular life next week.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve picked up a few games to play to keep me from going insane. I had a lot of time off and this time off has made me feel a bit unproductive I guess you could say. I have more coming up for a longer period so I need to start planning right now. It would have been smart to go away for a bit, but I can’t be bothered to do something like that. Not right now.

So what did I pick up?

Witcher 3: Wild Hunt

I’m a few years late to this. I have been playing Skyrim since it came out and a game in the bundle I got with my XBox One was the enhanced version. Of course, that’s pretty much the only game I played until I finally decided to install another game that came with my system, Prey. That was pretty good too. But then I hungered for something else that was similar to Skyrim, but it wasn’t Skyrim. I picked up the Game of the Year Edition of Witcher 3: Wild Hunt.

It’s like Skyrim but it was really hard. It took time to get used to the fighting mechanics and I still don’t really like them compared to Skyrim. I get my ass beat regularly. I’ve died a lot and unfortunately, when you die, the loading screen is up for a long time so it’s like the game actually punishes you for dying. A few times of that and I’m like yeah, I need to get up and do something else.

These beautiful ladies are the Ladies of the Woods. The one on the far right with the wasp nest eye is my favourite.

But don’t get me wrong, it’s really fun. The world is huge. Some of the characters are really memorable. I actually remember things from the game. I sit back and think about it when I am doing something completely unrelated. Unlike Skyrim, you can’t just go anywhere you want and expect to kill stuff. (Basically, the monsters don’t “level up” with you.) It’s a bit more of a challenge, but it makes a lot of sense too. It’s just a really fun game. There’s a spinoff card game called Gwent but I haven’t played it yet. It’s kinda built into the game anyway and I haven’t even tried that either. (I wasn’t a big fan of the card game built into Final Fantasy IX, so I hope this’ll be better, but then again FF IX was like a billion years ago.)

Absolutely, totally worth the money I spent on it. I’m sure it will keep me occupied for a long time. I really can’t wait to see what the development company comes up with next.

Cuphead: Don’t Deal with the Devil

A name that would scare off the most zealous of Christians and superstitious, this game is hard. Cuphead’s art-style mimics cartoons made in the 1930s which, to me, is a lot of the appeal. It’s downright beautiful. But it’s hard… oh my god, is it hard. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to throw my controller through the TV (or at my partner for laughing at me every time I die). There are a few difficulty levels of each stage and I always like to play the ones for wusses. Even that is super hard.

I know I’ve said a few times that it’s really hard, very hard. However, it’s so fun. It’s incredibly fun. It’s hard, but in a good way. Sometimes I die just from looking at the animation and not paying attention to what I’m doing. Sometimes I die in less than 10 seconds. Sometimes I finish 95% of the stage, then die. I can always retry. The loading screens don’t show if you replay the same stage which is nice, and even if you leave that stage, the loading times aren’t so bad. (Loading screens piss me off, have you noticed?)

If you haven’t played it, you really should. If you don’t want to play it, make sure you watch a video of the game play. It’s probably one of the most visually stunning games I’ve played. I’m looking forward to see what they’re going to do with the intellectual property. I hope there’s more. I’d pay for more.

Hearthstone and Gwent

It’s a card game. I haven’t really been a big fan of card games. I’ve tried, but haven’t had much interest in them. I’m not sure why. When Magic: The Gathering was so big, people were really surprised that I wasn’t interested or had no idea what was happening. Many years later, I decided to give Hearthstone a try. I played for about 10 minutes on my iPhone and it wasn’t incredibly boring like I thought it would be. I’ll play a bit later. Looked good so far! Haha.

Gwent, the game I mentioned earlier, has been sent to my XBox to install. Haven’t touched it yet. I’ll see how that goes.