I’m So Sleepy

As always, I usually have a little more to add to my podcast recordings. If you’ve listened to my last podcast episode (or any of them, really), you’ll know that I have a big problem with anxiety. You’ll also know that I’ve been taking some steps to get that managed.

I’m happy now that I can concentrate on things and not feel like I have 200 worrying thoughts enter my head at the same time. I can now remember things a lot better (because before, I’d be so distracted that I couldn’t absorb much at a time). I’ve been getting a lot more done every day. It’s really nice.

Unfortunately, the medication I’m taking is making me incredibly tired. It’s a bit strange. You know how sometimes you wake up during the night and then fall back asleep? I feel like I am doing that, but my body refuses to go to sleep. I’m very, very lightheaded and it seems like it’s getting worse every day. I’m just quite weak.

Like, right now, it’s almost 8:45 am and I feel like I want to go back to sleep but no matter how much I want to, I can’t. I woke up at 7:00 am. I’m still waking up really early even if I don’t really have to.

I knew that this may happen so that is why I’ve taken some leave from work. I didn’t really know it would be this severe though. I really hope my body can get used to the effects of being on a new medication, or I might have to try something else (and have to miss more work).

TIP #18: Birthday and Healing

This episode is a bit interesting because one part was recorded before I went to the doctor and the other was recorded after I took medication for my issues. I talk about my last year of my 30s, my doctor visits after recording my last podcast episode, my mental health, and how important it is to get mental issues checked on before things get much worse (though it is quite hard to make the first step).

A few weeks and I’m feeling much better. It’s only the very start, but I’m pretty confident that things will get better from here on.

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  • NOTE: This post uses the new web player so it might not function or look correctly. I’ll be working on it when I have time. (The default is to use the built-in browser media player. If you’d like to switch to the themed player, look at the preferences by clicking the menu button in the upper right, and change the themed player setting to ‘Yes’.)

Birthday Sweetness

Another year has passed. I’m officially at the last year of my 30s and I guess that’s okay. I should be thankful that I have gotten this far in life. Some people don’t even get to this ripe old age.

I usually go crazy around this time with my birthday freebies, but since I live in an isolated town, they’re not available. I’m really going to miss that free burrito and huge margarita. I am not about to travel 5 hours to get free food, so I’m staying in.

My husband makes me stay up until midnight the day before so I played Elder Scrolls Online and Fallout 4 until really late. I spent a lot of my time yesterday in front of a screen so I started to get a really bad headache around 9 pm or so. He made (or assembled) a cake for me while I was busy coding on my podcast software project.

I’ve always liked the cakes that I can pick things off and eat it. He totally gets me in that way. I looked at it and was a bit confused, but he’s really sweet.

I got up this morning and found a card from him that said “husband” on it. I haven’t really gotten anything with that on it yet, so I was a little surprised. It’s mostly because I forget that I got married.

So, today, I’m going to go out in this hot weather (I hate when it’s hot on my birthday…) and do a few things. Here’s hoping for a great year ahead as I head into my 40s. I can’t believe sometimes that I’ve had an internet presence since I was around 16. Incredible!

Disappearing Incompletely

Hi everybody.

You may or may not have listened to the last podcast episode. If you have listened to it, you’ll know and understand why I’ve been away. I have a little more to add to that. If you haven’t listened to it, let me tell you what I’ve been going through for the past few weeks. These posts are always really difficult for me to write, mostly because it sounds extremely close to what I talk about in my podcast.

I’ve been away for a while because I am really struggling with my dangerously high levels of anxiety and starting my new job. I basically cannot function at the level I need to at work to do my job(s) effectively and that scares me quite a lot. I tend to overthink and worry about the smallest things. After one thought finishes making a round in my head, another comes. They never stop lining up. That’s a calm day. The way that my brain has been going lately though, it’s constant and these thoughts (usually very negative ones) and worries come several at a time. It makes concentrating so hard.

I am not just sitting around doing nothing about it. Like I said in TIP #17, I have an initial doctor appointment set up and I’m using an app called Woebot to get rid of some of the negative thoughts and feelings i have which, in my opinion, are leading me to a life of high blood pressure and fear. My partner has been a very big part of my getting better and he’s been awesome. I don’t think there’s anything he wouldn’t do for me. He’s been absolutely fabulous and I’m lucky to have such a supportive and loving husband.

I will get better. I know that for sure. Just by talking about it here and in my podcast is therapy enough. You might have noticed that my demeanour changed slightly from the beginning of it to the end. That’s because I talked about it.

Talking about feelings is probably something that men to do more of because whether we want to accept it or not, we have certain emotional needs and wants. We can’t just ignore them and keep building up all this sadness, anger, stress, etc. We need to get these things out and you know what? Sometimes we need help–and that’s okay. That’s perfectly fine.

I will be stronger and I know that I can do it. It will just take some time, and again, a little extra help.

Take care of yourselves, everybody. 🙂

The title was originally “How to Disappear Completely”, a Radiohead song from Kid A. I don’t want to disappear completely though. I want my anxiety to go away or to be manageable at least.

Where’s the Sausage Sizzle?

Today, Victorians headed to the polls. I was one of them. For those of you who are unaware, Australia has compulsory voting. That means that if you don’t go vote (and you don’t have a valid reason why you didn’t or an excuse), you get a fine. Actually, you get up to 1 penalty unit and one penalty unit is currently equal to a fine of $180. I read somewhere that it was $20.

Since I live in a regional area, I didn’t have easy access to an early voting venue, so I had to get up today and vote. It was a little hard getting up and leaving though, so I made it to the voting center (a church) at about 1:30 pm. The polling centre was about a 20 minute walk away and the flies were out in full force. (I hate flies.)

It was the first time that I’ve voted in a regional area. I was expecting it to be like Melbourne was. I was expecting lots of people, lots of people asking me to vote for candidates I don’t like, and sausage sizzles. There wasn’t a lot of any of those things and there weren’t any sausage sizzles. I brought cash with me for that very reason.

Wait, I hear you non-Aussies and non-Kiwis asking: what’s a sausage sizzle? Well you can check out the link or I’ll save you the time and explain it to you. It’s basically throwing some cheap (or donated) weiners on a grill, barbequing them and then serving them with a slice of bread, sauces, and grilled onions. People usually sell them at events to raise money for charities, schools, sports clubs, and other organisations. A hardware chain here called Bunnings Warehouse does them every weekend. I don’t much care for the smell of them, but it’s a nice idea. Anyway, I was expecting one and didn’t get it. I was a little sad.

Anyway, I voted and left. I got home and now I’m hungry for cheap hot dogs. I don’t want to go to the store and brave the flies. They drive me insane.

I sometimes ask myself if compulsory voting should be a thing in the USA and on paper and in conversation, that seems like a great idea. It gives, theoretically, a better representation of people’s feelings towards the way they think governments should be run. Australia’s population is only a fraction of what the USA’s is, so I think it’s a lot more doable here. Elections are expensive. I couldn’t imagine how much it would cost the USA if everybody had to vote. The traffic would be horrible and I doubt a lot of people would put in a real vote… because not everybody really cares.

Anyway, I’m pretty comfortable that the state will retain the same government, but I do get surprised sometimes.

I hope everybody’s having a good weekend. I’m trying to chill the fuck out for a while. I’m finally getting there.

TIP #17: Therapeutic

This was supposed to be my “Happy Thanksgiving” episode, but I’ve been in a bit of a rough spot lately. I talk about a few of the problems I’m having, how I’m struggling to deal with those problems mentally and emotionally, how I’m planning to deal with these problems, and also, to say a few thanks. I get a little bit emotional during this.

As of this posting, I’m doing okay. Not incredibly great, but talking over things helped a bit. I just want to say a big thank you to those of you who have been listening. Really, I thank you.

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  • NOTE: This post uses the new web player so it might not function or look correctly. I’ll be working on it when I have time. (The default is to use the built-in browser media player. If you’d like to switch to the themed player, look at the preferences by clicking the menu button in the upper right, and change the themed player setting to ‘Yes’.)

A Few Guide Updates

Just letting you know that I’ve made a few updates to the podcast episode guide. This may be a nice way to tell you that some things might not work correctly.

Here is the list of things that have changed:

  • New menu added to guide with links to the weblog, preferences, login, and support.
  • Guide/Player Preferences link is now located at the top of the page. (Right now, if you change a preference, the page reloads with the new preference applied. I will be changing this later.)
  • You can set preference to show button labels on the grid. It simply makes the label under the icons appear or disappear.
  • Log in link added, but it’s not ready just yet. I’m testing it locally to make sure it works correctly. It will basically give you early access to upcoming episodes (if available), give you more feedback options on the player, and for supporters, access to unreleased podcast episodes, access to more images and video, and possibly handwritten mail from wherever I am at the moment. I’m hoping to have it done by early next year.
  • In-post web media player and any links to listen to the latest episode will start using the new web player. It still defaults to the built-in browser media player since it doesn’t have proper audio seeking and reliable volume controls.

I’ll keep updating when I have some time. If stuff doesn’t work, kindly let me know.

TIP #16: Restarting

It took me a few tries to record this… sorry if it’s disjointed and random. In this episode, I talk about:

– I’ve started a new job 
– Campin’ in the Grampians, a mountain range in Victoria, Australia. 
– My hatred towards the ‘bad’ air and my need for some more immunotherapy (or I’ll have to move back to the city as soon as I can). 
– The guilt of calling in sick in the USA. (I’ve already taken a sick day because I can’t breathe.) 
– I’ll be cutting down the number of episodes I do until I get some indication of who’s listening.

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  • NOTE: This post uses the new web player so it might not function or look correctly. I’ll be working on it when I have time. (The default is to use the built-in browser media player. If you’d like to switch to the themed player, look at the preferences by clicking the menu button in the upper right, and change the themed player setting to ‘Yes’.)

Off Having Adventures

Hello! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? (My podcast episode posts are usually done in advance, so it’s been a while since I’ve written anything new.)

I’ve gone away for a while and I have a new job, so I’ve been a little preoccupied. I plan on recording new material next week.

I’ll admit that I go silent sometimes when I’m a bit sad or depressed, but lately, I’ve just been off on new adventures. I’ll be telling you about the cool people I’ve been hanging around, the things we do, and the places we go.

As I’ve said before, small town living really isn’t so bad. It’s been pretty cool so far.

TIP #15: Ghostly Encounters

I talk about some of the scary stuff (shadows, Ouija boards, etc) that’s happened to me since I was really young up until now. I also talk about how seeing people who have passed away in my dreams is not a sad occasion (most of the time), and my fascination for cemeteries.

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  • Remember, if you support me, please let me know. Fun things are coming up! 🙂