Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Around this time of the year, I think about discontinuing my weblog. Every year, I say to myself, let’s see how the year goes as far as what I have to say, what I’m not saying, and how often. A few times, my posts here have caused some uncomfortable friction between other people and me.

I stopped checking my statistics daily years ago (though I find them really interesting). Every so often, I take a look at them. It’s interesting that my monthly views now are what I was getting in a day around ten years ago. What’s a bit sad is that a lot of the views now are done by me. (I have to look at my posts when I publish them to make sure they look good.)

I think there are a few things I can blame this all on. First of all, I’m no longer the young-looking, skinny, mostly hairless, 18-25 year old guy I used to be. People just aren’t interested in my life now that I’ve aged. My life has stopped being interesting. Secondly, documenting my romantic relationships has really lost most of its appeal. Next, Facebook has really taken out the need or appeal to visit weblogs or for people to have their personal websites. I also stopped “advertising” my website on other sites (mostly because they don’t exist anymore).

I’m always really torn whether I should continue this thing. In some ways, I would be really upset if I didn’t because as I’ve said a billion times, this is my very own therapy here. I come here and complain about a lot of things that are happening in my life. It has an unfortunate side effect of coming back to bite me on the ass though. I used to talk it out in the podcasts that I did, but I don’t see that ever coming back. The further away I get from that time-wise, the more at peace I am that I don’t bother with it anymore. Plus, so many other people did it way better. You know, they’d buy the equipment and do some editing.

I guess I’m at a standstill as far as what I want to do but I have another month to think about it. I have other websites that are purely work-related. That stuff keeps me quite busy and it looks like it’s going to keep me busier. So yeah, I’m not sure what to do with Idiologic, but if I let it go, I’ll announce it in about a month.

Work It

This is going to be a quick one before I head off to a meeting and then the gym. I actually haven’t been going very often to the gym lately, so I guess I’d make an attempt to go today. Why not, right? I’ve been paying for it but haven’t been going so I thought maybe I’d join the other 25 million people who start the gym in January only to give up by March. Since I’m going to be a whole lot busier and live an hour and a half away from where I am supposed to work and study, I think that I might have to approach things from a different angle. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to keep it up, but let’s put in an attempt, yeah?

J said he would go with me but a few problems have prevented him to do so. I’m pretty much on my own again. I can’t really fault him for not going because it’s medically related. I have yet to be with someone who likes being as active as I really want to be. I don’t like to go places by myself, but I guess that’s probably what it’s gonna take.

I probably should start getting ready to go. It might be a morning where I have to eat breakfast in the shower since I’m running late. (Yes, I actually eat in the shower sometimes, but not like bacon and eggs or a bowl of cereal. It’s usually something like fruit. I love fruit in the mornings.)

And so, my day begins like any other day. I can feel a big feeling of sadness and disappointment because of the upcoming inauguration. I am still in disbelief that a terrible person like that is going to become president. Thank Jesus, Baby Jesus, Nice God, and Not-So-Nice God for my Australian passport and citizenship!!! At least my documents say I’m not an American. My voice and accent? That’s completely different.

Anxiety Makes Me Busy

Buzz!!!

Usually when people don’t show their sorry faces around weblogs, it means that something exciting is happening. Or maybe they’re bored with it. Or maybe they’re bored with making people bored. If something like that works, then yeah, sure.

With all the changes that I’ve made happen, I’ve been busy trying to get things finished before I move to my next thing. As usual, I’m quite nervous about it. I usually seem to think that if I push myself to do things, I’ll eventually get over my general fear of the unknown. It doesn’t seem to work very well because almost every day I have an upset stomach. My personal relationships with people are starting to crumble. I don’t like that but I’m just getting extremely worn down from this unwarranted fear. It’s oddly disguised excitement, I guess you could say. I’m excited, but at the same time, I’m absolutely terrified. I want to be this great person, but so much anxiety comes into play. I hate it and want to do something about it, but my “cure” isn’t really a cure. It’s called taking medications that further ruin my kidneys and make me not care about anything. It basically turns me into a zombie. And I get fat. I’m not willing to go through that again.

As I write this, that bee looks so happy. He looks so carefree. I’m a bit jealous of this thing that’s not even real. I wish he’d blink his eyes or something though because his eyes must be really dry. Anyway…

That’s what’s happening with me. I don’t feel like I can truly rest right now. Something’s always sitting in my brain, stressing me out and what’s funny is that if I told you half of what I worry about, you’d think I’m insane!

I spend a lot of time worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet. My brain is occupied with “telling” me how bad I’m going to fail with everything. It likes to tell me what people are thinking about me whether it is right or wrong. I feel like maybe I set myself up for failure. I’m too old to let myself keep knocking me down. It’s easier said than done. I try to focus on the positives on a lot of things so I don’t get too down. I seem to do this a lot better/more when it’s giving advice to someone else though.

Having said that, I am pretty good at going into things with a positive attitude. Sure, I am nervous as hell and 8/10 times, my stomach’s ready to give me a hard time, but I think it’s good to start. A positive attitude is a requirement to any good day. If you focus on something terrible like how much you hate your job or how much you hate a person you have to unavoidably see, then you’re most likely going to have a really terrible day/time. Even though you hate it, you have to tell yourself that regardless how much you hate these things, you’re not going to let it bother you. That’s why no one really hears me complain about work. Coding, sure because it gets frustrating but I don’t hate it. I have to work with some really awful people, but I don’t hate what I do because of it. Hating is a waste of energy.

God, this post is so random. I probably should just stop while I can and get back to work. I needed the break anyway! And so, I’m off! Take care of yourselves. Thanks for reading/listening/whatever. (And see, I feel better after typing all this stuff out. It’s one of the reasons why this weblog exists.) (Not jealous about the carefree bee anymore. That’s progress, but I am hungry for honey now.)

Yes, I’m a Heliophobe

I think last night was one of the warmest nights this summer. Something about 31C/88F temperatures just isn’t conducive for sleeping. Naturally, I slept at 1 am and woke up around 7 am. The temperature tonight is supposed to be around 17F/63F so that’s a lot better. I’d like for it to be colder, but it’s summer so obviously that’s not going to happen. (Knowing the Melbourne area though, it’s not entirely impossible.)

Australia, I love you, but I hate the sun here.

I didn’t realize that this place I’m living in didn’t have an air conditioner until after I signed the lease for a year. I kind of thought that if I got one of those portable air conditioners, I’d be fine and I probably would be if I went out and bought one but I’ve been doing fine without one, so I will probably just wait out the summer.

This summer has been a bit disappointing here, speaking about the temperatures. There hasn’t been many good beach days so I haven’t really gone to any beaches. I’m also a little afraid to get out in the sun too. (One of the reasons I don’t like my picture to be taken is because I’m super, ghostly white. It’s one of the reasons I like naturally dark/darker skin. It makes me a bit jealous. White gay guys are jealous over things like that. Well, this white gay guy is.)

There are a few reasons why I don’t like the sun that much or haven’t been in the sun for long periods in 20 years.

  • I burn easily. The sun almost immediately cooks my skin and turns me as red as a lobster. This is usually due to me forgetting to apply sunscreen before I go out. A word of advice if you’re visiting Australia: Make buying sunscreen one of your first things you do! The sun here is brutal.
  • My first boyfriend, rest his soul, told me he didn’t want me to be darker, so I stayed out of the sun. It’s weird, the things you do to make people happy. He wanted me to be as pale as I could be because he said it looked better. He was Filipino-Norwegian and he was very pale in color too. I kinda noticed that the Filipinos I dated wanted me to be as white as possible. Strange, that. For some reason, some people have an idea that whiter is better. It’s not. Be proud and happy about what you look like! I guess it’s kind of stuck with me now for some reason.
  • My family members are skin cancer magnets. This is probably one of the biggest reasons that I don’t do bad things to my skin. Skin cancer can be genetic. (So are all the other things that I have a greater chance of having, like diabetes.)
  • I really hate the sun. Sun usually equals heat. I hate being hot. I hate being sweaty. I’d just rather not be out in it. My favorite weather is light rain (but even that gets old after a few days), cool, and overcast.

I said that I was heliophobic (which, if you haven’t gathered, is a fear of the sun) but that’s not really the case. I’m not a vampire (like my sister’s ex husband thought he was–moron). I am not overly scared to get out of it. I’m not going to cancel my plans to leave the house because it’s a sunny day outside. Well, okay, if it’s insufferably hot, I might do that. I just don’t like getting out in it.

That’s it for me. I’m trying to write more of these because it’s back to a study/work schedule for me in a few weeks.

Chat App Hell

Let’s face it. I’m not really a social person. I like, no I love, my time to myself. I don’t like to chat much and after 15 minutes of it, I’m usually already tired of chatting. I put my phone down and go do something else and leave my apps closed.

Too many apps? There are even some that I use that aren’t listed. Telegram is my personal favorite right now.

I have 6 of those apps listed, plus more, installed on my phone. I have a little less installed on my tablet. A few are installed on my PC and/or Mac. That pretty much means that if someone wants to chat, I’m contactable everywhere. I don’t really like that.

The most annoying one I have is Facebook Messenger. No matter how many times I say that I want to turn chat off, it never actually turns off. So I can be watching a movie on my tablet and a notification pops up, almost completely mutes my movie, and takes up a chunk of the screen. Then the chat heads don’t disappear.

One of my biggest mistakes was to post my WeChat and LINE barcodes on this site. Even to this day, I get messages from people who say they found me by typing “gay wechat” into Google. They’re usually from an Asian country and they want to see pictures of my genitals. (They don’t get them.) For some reason,  being gay and having these QR codes on your site is an invitation to have cyber sex. Um, no.

Another thing that irritates me is that people (complete strangers from WeChat) call me. They call me by audio or video chat. Some of these people haven’t even chatted with me before. I even get pissy when people call me with ANY messenger and I’ve known them for 30 years.

I feel like the older I get, the less I want to chat with people from the internet. I’m bored with it. Messaging itself has gotten old. Plus, I really hate typing on a phone. Yes, I am getting old!

The audio chat thing isn’t great either because a ton of people have a hard time understanding my accent. When people from other countries want to chat with me, they basically think I’m not going to sound like a Texan. We mumble a lot. We drop our Gs on words that end with -ing. Our long I sounds like an eternity in speech. Communication is hard and sometimes extremely difficult.

In case I haven’t made myself clear:

DO NOT CALL ME TO AUDIO OR VIDEO CHAT ON ANYTHING!!! IF I DON’T KNOW YOU, THAT’S NOT A GOOD INTRODUCTION. ASK BEFORE YOU CALL!!!

I feel like sometimes that I can’t get away from technology so I have adopted a little new rule where I just close my phone and put it away or keep them all closed while I work. I get so much more done. Or hell, maybe I just need to see how long I can go without using my phone. I think it would be a nice break!

Will that happen? Who the heck knows. I do need a break every so often though. 🙂

The Man and His Mom

It’s been an interesting few months over here. My partner’s mom has been visiting for the last month from India and her trip here is almost over. His mom is a really sweet, nice woman. I think it’s nice seeing them together because you can tell that the bond between them is really strong. I think that’s really nice.

Getting my mom to come here has been difficult and it hasn’t happened yet. My family in the USA aren’t exactly loaded with cash, so it’s usually up to me to go back to the USA to see them. It’s a bit irritating and expensive sometimes, but if that’s how things need to be, then I guess that is acceptable for me. My mom’s been mentioning coming by, but she has a bad habit of thinking things over and going from “okay” to “maybe after I retire” to “we’ll see”. I also don’t really blame her because the flight here can be such a pain for someone who has flown about 3 hours max. It’s kind of frustrating, but I still love her and the rest of my family. My dream is to fly them or anyone here to show them why I love living in Australia.

So yes, my partner’s mother sent me a Facebook message yesterday asking me if she could spend more time with her son before she leaves. I thought that was a really sweet thing, honestly. He’s going to be spending most of his time with his family which is fine. I think he thinks that I am upset or angry that he’s doing that, but if I were in the same position, I’d probably do the same thing. I don’t mind because I’m here all the time and his mom’s here for a little less than one week more. Even if she was staying another month, that’s okay with me. Of course I’d miss my guy, but to me, moms are more important. I’m not mad or angry or anything of the sort. I require some alone time sometimes anyway.

Mmm… daal.

I think I did complain about a week ago to him that we hardly do anything together but I feel like he kind of didn’t understand how I meant it. To me, spending time together isn’t a stretch of 7 days, it’s just doing something every so often for even 30 minutes. I love just walking around outside at the beach and in the parks and stuff. I have always thought that is a nice way to spend time together. Exercising together, to me, has always been a great way to spend time together.

It’s just a little harder to get that time in at the moment, but that’s okay. I’d rather him spend time with his mom who’s here temporarily. It’s really important. I’m a little jealous because I want my mom to come here one day and I’m not even really sure that will happen.

Happiest 2017 to You

I don’t want to repeat myself too much in this post because I’ve already told you about the goals I’m reaching for starting today. First, I just wanted to say Happy New Year to you. Whether you’ve made goals yourself or whether you’ve decided to sit this one out, I hope that your 2017 is at least 50% better than it was last year, because let’s face it, nothing is ever perfect but to sound a little like a total jerk, I hope it’s close to perfection as possible.

My New Year’s Eve didn’t include any alcohol or anything, and I’m fine with that. I don’t want to start my new year off with a hangover. I did tell myself that I wouldn’t drink any coffee or any other caffeinated stuff a few days ago starting today, but that might be a little harder than I thought. It won’t be super hard or impossible because I only drink 1 mug-full for the whole day. I wonder if it will make me sleep a little better.

Yesterday, J and I watched movies, went to KFC, and spent some much-needed time together and it was even better because no one really argued and if we did, I didn’t really notice. I think we both needed that. Sadly, I was probably asleep by the time midnight came around.

This week, I get back into the swing of things. I have a job interview and doctor appointment on Tuesday. Most of my doctor appointment is just to get my regular HIV/STI/STD checks and to get any vaccination boosters that I might need. Oh, and to get some stress-relieving strategies.

Anyway, here’s hoping for the best possible.

The Theme for 2017: Improvement

Every year, it’s the same thing: we make all these plans and goals for the new year and how we’re going to do this and that, and it’s going to be so awesome. I don’t know about you, but I hardly do what I say I’m going to do. Though I’m not so successful, I like to think about all the things I could be doing versus the things that I’m doing right now.

Late in November, I started the process by applying, then getting a new job, then unfortunately that fell through. I was pretty upset about that and that feeling of rejection stuck with me for a week but immediately after I was dismissed, I started making moves to improve and expand my career.

One of my biggest flaws is that I am a bit lazy and don’t work as much as I am physically able to. A lot of people know that about me. Even at a desk job, I am still not very productive. I don’t want to continue living that way so I’ve been lining up new job opportunities in the next few months. I am most likely going to study more so I can be the best that I can possibly be.

So, the theme of my year next year is simply improvement.

Improve my skills: I can do a lot of things but there is one thing that I am really meant to do. I plan on improving my skill set for that job starting in February.

Improve my money-making potential: One of the things I liked about my dad is that he was a really hard worker. He had an exceptional work ethic.

Improve my physical health: Yes, it’s the typical “go to the gym” goal. I need to go more, but I don’t. There’s no excuse for me to skip going. I also need to eat better too and cook more. I need to ignore the KFC that is across the street from me.

Improve my mental health: It’s about time for me to take care of myself on a mental and emotional level. I’m on this already. It ties into my career.

Improve my relationship: Obvious that I need to work on this before it all caves in. I’m a bit worried because my goals are going to make me very, very busy. We will see.

Vague yes but I can and will do this. I want to be proud of myself this year and I want to do it from hard work! Let’s do this, 2017.

Happy New Year, everybody!

Why I Write What I Write Here

It’s not often that I write my complaints about my relationship here, but as you saw yesterday (and lately), sometimes I do. Most of my motivation for doing this blog is to get things out, but not really direct it to someone. Writing sometimes helps me process things a bit better, so yes, that’s what I do.

People think that my main purpose here is to be dramatic or to make other people look bad but it’s really not. I just need some kind of outlet and this is the whole purpose here. It’s good to vent at times, whether people read it or not. It’s kind of like therapy–therapy that is a lot cheaper than $150/hour.

Sometimes, I know people read it and I know they know it’s about them. Sometimes that’s how I get certain feelings out. I probably should talk directly to the person, but a lot of times my partner isn’t a good listener. I’ve told him this many times so typing it seems like a good alternative. (I have typed him a long message about what’s bothering me. It wasn’t a really nice one, but I think it gets the point across.)

I’d rather type nice things about him and us as a couple, but the reality is though we live together, we don’t do much together. Someone is always busy, too rushed, too tired, too sick, too lazy, too late to get out of bed, or something to be able to do anything. I think that’s really sad when you live with someone who you see everybody, but still there isn’t enough time or energy to do anything. Sometimes, it’s’ just basically that I don’t want to deal with the arguments over the smallest things that usually follow a half-decent day.

I’m not here to make anybody look bad. Of course I am going to be biased. Am I going to vilify myself here? Most likely not. So just keep in mind that you’re getting only half of the story unless you’re hearing it from him too which I don’t think is possible.

Sorry for posting for two days in a row, but you’ll forgive me, right?

Living with Me

I have to give people who date me (or someone in a relationship with me) credit because it’s not easy. I think I actually started warning people who dating me can be a very unpleasant experience. Living with me is even worse. That’s something I warned my current partner about. I don’t think he believed it before we moved in together, but I am pretty sure he’s changing his tune now.

No, this isn’t my kitchen and I have never been a hoarder.

I’m not really the tidiest person, but then again, I don’t do well with stacks of boxes, papers, and stuff everywhere. I do let my laundry pile up though (both clean and dirty), admittedly.

I take off my shoes when I walk into the house, unfortunately, I will take them off in the middle of a room. (I’ve always had this terrible habit. I can’t tell you how many times my dad had tripped over my footwear when I was a kid.)

I clean when I have visitors. I can’t help it. I start cleaning something when people are over and it always comes short of sweeping and vacuuming the floor. I think I like washing dishes when people are over. I think it masks the shakiness of my hands.

I like to sleep before midnight, so I like eating early. Living with someone who will eat lunch at 10 pm and go to sleep at 4 am is really hard. I get acid reflux if I eat too late which causes me to sleep very poorly. This is what our latest problem was. It was past 10 pm and I needed to eat, so I could go to sleep. He wanted to lay in my lap and watch videos while I did absolutely nothing. I got up to eat (to avoid acid melting my throat as I sleep) and ate some pizza. I asked my bird if he wanted some pizza. That’s when I was told I was a terrible, selfish person…

Yeah, okay, that last little bit is what was on my mind when I started typing this thing. I was told that I was an asshole for talking to the bird (“Do you want some pizza?”). Then of course, I got the silent treatment. If someone doesn’t want to talk to me, why should I make them? I slept alone.

He tries to say that I’m happier to talk to the bird than I am with him. No, I’m the kind of person that talks to animals when I pass by them. We are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to animals. That is a really big problem.

I guess I am done with the rant. I needed to get that out. I’m trying to keep it together, but have a feeling that this “thing” isn’t going to last until the end of the year if things don’t change. Hell, I’m not even expecting it to last even a quarter of the year.

(PS: I don’t feed my bird pizza.)