Slumpy Slumpiness

I wanted to use my next post after that depressing one to liven up the place a little bit but it looks like that’s not really going to happen. Well, okay, it might happen. I don’t know. I am horribly busy these days with new work and trying to get my previous work completed. I have to say that neither is getting done because I’m in a bit of a slump. I still have a lot on my mind.

To be honest, I am still pretty upset over what I explained about in my last journal entry. I still feel rejected, but I guess that’s okay. I haven’t really talked to the guy since that day. I won’t lie and say that I haven’t been thinking about him because I have. I can say “Oh, I won’t talk to him until he talks to me.” but that’s not going to happen. I know it’s not because he doesn’t talk to me unless I initiate the conversation. I’d like that to change every so often. It is things like this that make me think that I’m trying too hard and I probably am trying too hard to get someone’s attention. That’s not a good thing.

Over the space of two months too, I had been talking to someone in Los Angeles that I was going to meet but like every other person I am interested in, communication hasn’t really happened for the past two weeks. It’s always a “hey” or “hello”. It’s always at a time in the morning that I get these messages that I’m not awake. I was looking forward to meeting the guy, but then I start thinking that I am across this big ocean and I just don’t see my charm. So I just let go, I guess. I’d still like to meet him but it’s also possible that he’s read what I’ve written here lately too and that put him off. I would cry and run for the hills if I read something like that. He’s also on my Facebook and I announced there that I have booked the other part of my flight when I told him that I would go on a road trip with him. I would love that sometime but honestly I don’t know whether I am going to be up for exploring the country after a 15 hour trip. Even a few days later after that trip would be extremely difficult. I also don’t want to miss Thanksgiving with my sister, nephews, and mom.

I don’t really expect anything to come out of either situation. Maybe I will meet up with one or the other. Maybe I will meet both of them. I’m not sure. This is the reason why I can’t say when I’m coming back to Australia. I’m actually happy that I booked a return ticket and still have the option in case I need it.

I feel like I’ve said “I don’t know yet” to dozens of people about if I’m coming back. It’s a bit crazy but I definitely need to spend time with my family but I need some cuddles that mean something as well–they’re always nice!

I’m also running a little fever and feel a bit yucky today. I woke up and touched my lip and found that I had a cold sore pop up overnight. I was having some really crappy dreams last night too about video editing. I am a little bit less stressed about the whole “he doesn’t want you” thing and more stressed about the whole “I’m going to fail pretty bad this semester” thing.

This is what I feel like though by looking at me, you can't even tell that I have anything on my lip...

This is what I feel like though by looking at me, you can’t even tell that I have anything on my lip…

I need a break. Thank you to the person who made it happen later in the year.

 

Loss of Emotional Control: Not Good

lostmymind

Lovely, right? That’s actually a quote from Mark Twain. I know this because I haven’t lost what sanity I have completely–not yet anyway.

The past few days have been especially rough on me and what’s funny is that nothing has really caused it directly.

A short story for you: The last time I was in Texas was in 2009/2010. While I was there, my grandfather passed away. One of my not-so-nice relatives told me that I just need to stay in Australia because every time I go back, someone dies. The crazy thing is that she died last year and I wasn’t even there. I didn’t go back because of this… I was tired of going back home and having to attend funerals.

But, while I was there, I met someone and let him know that I would need to come back to Australia at some point and didn’t want to make any promises whether I would stay or not. I didn’t stay obviously because I had a requirement of residency for my Australian citizenship and if I would have stayed even 3 more days, I would have lost that eligibility. I told him once I got it, I would come back. Well, I decided that I wanted to study and started studying and I told him year after year that I would be back to see him, but didn’t do it.

Time passed and he got increasingly more irritated with me telling them I would go there to be with him year after year, and it didn’t happen. He finally got to the point where he didn’t believe me at all because it just wasn’t happening.

I made a huge mistake and told him before I left, about a week before I left actually, that I loved him. This is something that is extremely difficult for me to say. I will have to admit that I fell in love with this guy while I was there and I cried my heart out for the last few days I was there when I wasn’t with him, while he did the same exact thing. I cried while I was lifting off as well because I was giving up someone who actually was good to me.

Keeping in contact with someone you deserted wasn’t easy. It seemed like there was nothing I could do or say to undo the pain I caused him and I’d get really frustrated that I wasn’t able to reach him and I still feel like it’s near impossible. It doesn’t matter how many times I say “sorry” because I still feel like he thinks I will abandon him again. It’s a horrible feeling and I wish I could make him feel differently but I can’t.

I drive myself crazy these days thinking about it. It’s really eating away at my brain and I hate it. I hate having lost this control over my brain. I hate not feeling like I am in control of this situation but in a sick way, I feel like I deserve it. I wish I could just brush this all aside but I feel powerless. I can’t do it. I don’t know why it’s consuming my thoughts now. I hate that I give my heart total control of my brain.

Since I booked my tickets back home, my sleep has been absolute shit. I have about 6 more months and I don’t want to go through 6 more months feeling like this.

He did tell me that I am going to start over again and do a lot better job. He said right now, he’s not interested in dating anybody right now but we can try to see what happens. He also added that he is used to being alone too.

Why do I feel so fucking bad about this???

I haven’t gotten a “no” so why do I feel so rejected? I feel like a complete idiot. An obsessed idiot. I can’t believe that I’m even posting shit like this. This is probably the most emotional I’ve been in years here but I don’t want it to continue, damn it.

I probably need to work a bit more. Or something. Or whatever.

How I Manage to Sleep Living Next to a Busy Road

This is not a paid post but just an informational, everyday post. I get absolutely nothing for plugging this app so feel free to download it if you want. You might like it.

icon175x175I’m not sure whether I brought this up before, but I live on a very busy road where big trucks are rumbling down it constantly. Sometimes it’s so loud, it wakes me up. When I say “sometimes” I mean frequently.

To drown out some of that noise, I need some kind of noise in the background like a fan. That’s not always a good thing in the winter because when I’d do this, I’d end up waking up feeling like I caught a cold. I’m also one of those people who is a light sleeper, so leaving the TV on while I sleep is not possible.

That’s where White Noise comes in. It basically plays a loop of noise over and over until you tell it to stop so you can set an alarm to tell it to stop (which is what I have to do but will tell you why later). There are quite a lot of sounds on it and you can always get more. What I usually listen to is a mix of thunder and heavy rain but have been listening to waves lately.

Listening to this (without headphones, may I add), I sleep pretty well and instead of listening to every single 18 wheeler that goes down my street, I probably hear about 1 or 2 a night. That’s a huge difference. I feel like I am able to get into a deeper level of sleep than I do normally but it comes at a cost.

If I do not set an alarm, I tend to oversleep. When I oversleep, I wake up feeling terrible most of the time. That is what has happened this morning. I woke up about 15-20 minutes ago and the morning is already over. It’s the latest I’ve slept in a long time and that’s not a good thing because I have so much to do.

I used to have the sounds stop at 5 am so I could wake up in the mornings around 6:30 or 7. Unfortunately, that’s when the traffic starts picking up so the next loud sound wakes me up after the sounds have turned off. So a lot of the time I wake up before 6 am and can’t go back to sleep.

So really, it’s a double-edged sword here but I’m thankful I have it or I would hardly be able to sleep in my house. Living on a busy road really sucks, especially when all the 18 wheelers think they need to drive on it at 2 am.

White Noise has really helped me out and sometimes I do get enough sleep which is a huge improvement of getting 3 hours of terrible quality sleep.

So you can try them out if you want to, if you have an iOS or Android device and see what it does for you. Here are the product pages:

White Noise (paid and free version)

I have the paid version (I think I got it before they started charging for it or got it with some kind of bundle deal or something) so I’m not really sure what the limitations are with the free version. Both should work just fine.

Southern Tongue

 

I guess this is going to be one of those posts where I bitch about the environment of my upbringing. Hooray!

There are things the people say in the southern USA that people elsewhere just don’t really get and that’s okay. You can easily search for a lot of these phrases but these are the ones that I’ve encountered and the top one is the major one.

If you’re thinking about it… don’t. Really.

The Word “Girl” (the BIG one)

A huge pet peeve of mine is when people say the word “girl” at the beginning or end of a sentence. What I mean by that is if someone where to type it, there would be a comma next to it. Here are a few examples:

  • “Girl, your hair looks great.”
  • “Girl, let’s go have Mexican food to cure your sadness.”
  • “You’re the queen of the gravy train, girl.”
  • “You’re just as sexy as your mom, girl.”

I’ve actually heard people say it at the beginning and end for some unknown reason like:

  • “Girl, let’s go to Applebee’s for our weekly soccer mom meeting, girl.”

You might not really get where I’m coming from but it seems to be one of those southern things and it’s quite common and I really wish it wasn’t.

Seriously, I don’t even want people JOKING about this, you know, like what people do when you type something that you don’t like and people kinda take the first opportunity to irritate you with it. It bothers me that bad and I swear if I hear this more than a few times, I will pack my bags and leave.

Fixing to…

“I’m fixing to rip your face off.”

For people who don’t get it, it roughly translates to “I’m about to rip your face off.” I’ve never been big on saying that and I tell people not to say it if they say it because it’s dumb. Of course, people in the south don’t really say the -ing like they should, but they kinda drop the -g at the end like “I’m fixin’ to cook some potatoes.” I don’t say it but I’m sure when I was younger, I used it very sparingly.

Bless Your Heart

blessyourheart

I think I would hear this more from my great aunts that live in Alabama more. It’s just code to call someone a dumb ass without actually saying dumb ass.

I actually liked going to Alabama but the deep southern, “Gone with the Wind” accents were a little too much for me. Oh, and as I got older, I got to witness some of the racism that exists down there. Not good.

Double Negative Hell

double_negatives

Double negatives irritate the piss out of me. Triple negatives and quadruple negatives? They’re more entertaining. I think one time I managed to make a quintuple negative. Are you unsure what I’m talking about? Let me give you an example:

“I don’t know no one by that name.”

With a little mind fuckery, it actually means that whoever said that DOES in fact know someone by that name. Got it? That’s because whoever said it that they don’t know no one, so they know somebody. To fix that, you’d drop one of the negative words… just one though.

Double negatives are a very, very common thing where I am from. My family does it… everybody does it. Rarely, I do. I don’t like to admit it, but I mess up every one in a while, like a year or something. You’d never know because my proofreading skills are horrible.

Everything’s a Coke

Yes, it doesn’t matter what kind of carbonated drink I have, when I’m in Texas, it’s a Coke. It could be a Pepsi. Coke is just that universal word. Whether I get a Pepsi, it doesn’t matter. (I don’t have a preference between the two.)

In the USA, people say different things for these drinks. I’ve heard and probably said every one of them at some point.

How Much Do You Lack?

My dad would say this but for some reason, he said it mostly when I was an adult. So every time he would say this, I would respond “How much do I like what?” and he’d look at me like I was crazy. I noticed he’d say it more when I lived here and I’d go visit them.

Mash the Button

mash

My dad would also say he was going to mash a button. That’s “press” for you guys and girls who don’t know.

I miss that guy sometimes.

The Day of Reckoning

It’s strange because this is one of the ones that even the Australians use the word “reckon”. I was a little surprised (and yet, a little excited) to hear someone say this when I was here. My thoughts were that this was just a country, southern thing to say but it’s pretty common. If you’re not sure what it even means, it means to believe something is true. Like:

“I reckon Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina, Ted Cruz, Rick Santorum, Rand Paul, and Rick Perry are all wasting their time, money, and will never be President of the United States.”

Totally true statement there, but I believe it to be true so I guess I reckon that’s the case.

Yanks / Yankees

When southern people say this, it means people in the north… in the USA. When Australians say this, it means everybody collectively in the USA.

 

Afterthoughts

As you may have read, I have been ticketed and confirmed to fly off to the USA in November and boy, am I excited! It’s been years but a few things are nagging me at the moment:

Cancellations

I’ve managed to piss someone off that I care about in Taiwan because I didn’t tell him that I would be doing this. I had planned to go to Taiwan this year and was going to move my trip to the USA to next year. I didn’t really talk to him before I did this so I think that’s why he’s really upset with me. He won’t even chat with me right now so I think he’s quite upset. It’s hard because I have put off going back home for years and really miss my family. I am increasingly getting more sad because I haven’t been there in so long. I know that I complain and whine about where I grew up a lot but I really want to see my family and if I can find good fares to go, then I have to take that opportunity before the price for oil goes up a lot.

Culture Re-shock

culture-shock

Click on the picture to see the full graphic and to go to the page I nabbed it from (Gilman Global Experience Blog)

Someone’s already warned me that it’s going to be really strange for me since I haven’t been back in a while and I’ll start to get homesick again, missing my new home in Australia. I think this is what makes me a little nervous because I know homesickness is not fun. I know this first hand! I actually talk a tiny bit about this in the next section.

Returning to Australia

Quite a few people are asking me if this trip is a one-way or return trip. Well, it’s booked as a return ticket. It was $30 more than a one-way ticket so I have a return ticket if I need it. Right now, I can’t say whether I will stay or come back to Australia in 100% confidence. I don’t want to make a firm decision until next year about that.

I’ve done this a few times already where I go back to the USA and plan to stay there but I’ve always returned here because I get tired of all the religious nuts and all the judgmental people. I know it’s not like that everywhere in the USA but I’d have to stick around my hometown for a while. There is only so much of that I can take before I go crazy.

So right now, I just don’t know what’s going to happen and I don’t want to think about that until much later but it’s a pretty common question people ask. I do love living in Australia and I don’t see myself staying away forever. I can come back anytime I want with no hassles and I like having that option.

So, I guess to summarise, who knows? I even don’t know.

I’m Probably Going to Get Really Fat

I discovered that I am hungry for a lot of stuff… and that’s not good because I tend to gain a bit of weight when I am back. I have considered getting a gym membership but I don’t know any place that will let me get a membership for 3 months.

What am I hungry for? Well, here’s a nice list:

  • Taco Bell
  • Taco Cabana
  • Good Tex-Mex or even real Mexican food made by real Mexicans
  • More corn dogs (with a little honey in the batter)
  • Cheese sticks
  • Cheese dip
  • Cheddar stuffed jalapeños
  • Chili cheese fries (twisty fries)
  • Banana pudding
  • US-style bacon (Australian bacon is good, but sometimes you crave the extra fat)
  • Good baked potatoes
  • My mom’s gumbo
  • My mom’s tuna salad (I don’t know why I love this so much)
  • Black-eye peas and cornbread
  • Biscuits (not scones) and white gravy
  • Tons of hot chocolate
  • BBQ pork sandwiches
  • BBQ (chicken, mostly)
  • Canned ravioli (yes, they have it here but like the taste in the USA a little more)
  • Thanksgiving!
  • Birthday cake (and birthday dinner which will probably be one of these things)
  • Really good burgers (Whataburger???)
  • Probably tons more…

BUT, what I’ve noticed is that the stuff I’m craving aren’t as good as I remember them being so, I’m expecting not to like about half of these things once I had them. I’m going to try to bring over my diet from here and do the same thing there so I don’t get as sick. I tend to get traveler’s belly after being in the USA for a while… not pleasant. I’m going to stagger these needs out over 3 months. :)

Brach's Maple Nut Goodies: Not so good anymore

Brach’s Maple Nut Goodies: Not so good anymore

Conclusion

There’s a lot to think about and consider. Some of it is good and some of it is bad but I will have to do some serious thinking while I am there and just in case, prepare myself for the fact that I may be there for a while regardless if I know I’ll be there for a while or not.

Three and a half months is a long time and I am hoping that no matter what I decide to do at that time, I will be happy with whatever it is I decide.

Quick Note: I kinda wrote this about 4 days ago and shortly after I wrote the announcement post. If something doesn’t make sense, that might be why.

USA-bound, Finally (and confirmed!)

USA

I am overjoyed that I have a confirmed booking to go back to the USA at the end of the year for at least 14 weeks. This is over twice the length that I had planned to stay so I am not going to go anywhere else. I’m hoping that this time will allow me to think about my future and what steps I need to take about where I want to live within the next several years. I know at some point that I want to go back, but I don’t know whether that time is in the near future.

I am a little… scared… to go back. I know that sounds a little weird considering that I grew up there and lived there for a good 20+ years. If any of you don’t know or you’ve never read my weblog before, I come from a pretty conservative area of the country where religion gets shoved down my throat on a constant basis. This is something that I don’t miss but even when I get off the plane in Los Angeles, I feel that vibe. I walk outside of the airport and there are religious people waiting to preach to me or beg for money and also screwing up any flight connections I have to make. I have gotten so used to being free from all the “you’re going to hell for these 800 reasons” talk. Thankfully, my mom who I am going to be staying with mainly, doesn’t drive me crazy with religion but then again, she doesn’t rub it in everybody’s eye sockets. My sister either. I think they both know that I’m just religiously neutral which I am fine with.

I have lived my life in this huge city wearing what I want to, looking like I want to, hanging out with who I want to and not thinking about it at all. It’s sad that when I go back, I get looks for having a shaved head and friends of different races. People also snicker because I am hanging out with someone of the same sex. I get a little stressed and sometimes reclusive because of that. I am hoping that the environment has changed because I feel really uncomfortable in my own skin when I’m there. No one should feel that way. Can I put up with 8-10 weeks of that?

Regardless, my excitement to go back is a lot higher because I am there to see family and friends (and a cute Mexican). I know things have changed and the more time that goes by, the less friends I will have there. I hope to at least maintain them while I’m there.

Plus, there’s a ton of food I’m starving for. :) I’m sure my family will be happy that they have an excuse to eat like pigs for a while! Haha.

I’m also pretty excited to see what’s going to happen with marriage equality. I’m hoping for a ruling in June/July so I can celebrate that at the end of the year. I just don’t know how I would celebrate that since I’m not marriage material! :) I also can’t manage to make someone like me that much, it seems.

It’s Not Easy Being Green

Green ScreenWell, I apologise for the lack of posts this month. I thought that I wasn’t doing this badly. The picture of the green screen is the studio I am in for a while. I’m having to do a lot of filming for a project I am working on. It’s also halfway into the semester so I am working on my school work as well so things have been a little too quiet here, I know.

I do have some really exciting news coming up but that will have to wait until I know it is a done deal! I don’t want to say anything until I know for sure!

You may already know what it might be… but yeah. :) An announcement of some sort for the 4 people who read this is coming soon!

Ah, the filming isn’t something I am going to share with anybody but I could at least show you where I am filming.

If you came here looking for Kermit, well, here you go:

Professionalism: Not for Tradesmen in Australia

Before my computer starts updating to the latest build of Windows 10, I thought I’d write a little bit of something here. I’ve noticed that a lot of tradesmen, repairmen, etc aren’t very reliable in this country and the amount of money they charge can be obscene as well.

I remember having to get some work done before and they all want me to pay them just for coming here to look at the problem. On top of that, they’re usually over an hour late and don’t bother calling me to let me know that they will be late. Sometimes, they just don’t bother showing up. This one, a heater repairman, told me that he would be here between 8 am and 9 am. It is almost 11 am. I took the day off from work and woke up at 7 am just so I would be here and could let him in. I have heard nothing from him.

You might be asking yourself: “Why don’t you just call him?” I’ll answer that with “Why should I have to do that?” Why should I have to do that 8 out of 10 times that I need something repaired? It’s kind of like I’m waiting for a celebrity or something who thinks they’re too good to be on time.

It’s just really frustrating sometimes because in the USA, I never had this problem. When you got a time that they’d be by, it was usually what time they’d show up. I know there are some cable companies in the USA (Time Warner Cable, in particular) who were like “Yeah, we’ll be by sometime between 8 am and 8 pm, sometime this month.” Thankfully that doesn’t happen but I’d like to be given a time frame that is workable. See, I wouldn’t mind being told that they’d be here between 8 am and noon. That gives me a bit of time to plan my day after 1 pm or so. If they come at 8:01 am, I’m prepared for it. If they come at 11:59 am, I’m prepared for that too. I’d be okay with 15-30 minutes late. But this is like 2 hours late. No call. No email. Nothing. The guy will show up around 2 pm and say “Oh, sorry.” (the equivalent of “Oops. Whatever.”) and that’s all there is to it. Plus, I usually get a shitty attitude to go along with the insincere apology.

It’s infuriating. So here I am, losing money and losing time waiting for something that I’m 80% sure isn’t going to happen. I don’t know, I think that the people who fix stuff around here should be a little more professional. I see a huge lack of it. Thankfully, I have a good plumber here that is always on time and always courteous. So I guess it’s not always true but with my experience, it hasn’t been great.

So, if any of you Americans are moving here, you’ll see that this is a problem. You pay whether they do any work or not, and when they actually do the work, it costs a LOT. That’s if they even show up or show up 4 or 5 hours late. You also can’t do any DIY repairs without a license… so… get ready to be screwed.

Do Overs

Sometimes I think about what my life could have been like in different situations like:

  • What would my life be like if I didn’t move here?
  • What if I didn’t go back to Australia after my last trip?
  • Where would I be if I said “Enough is enough” when I should have when my longest relationship was getting bad?
  • What if things actually worked out with that relationship and I was actually happy and wanted to stay here?
  • What if my last relationships had worked out well?

There are more questions I ask myself every so often but I’ll leave them out because living in the past isn’t something that should be encouraged especially when it comes to mistakes. I feel like sometimes, if I could go back in time to when I am 20 years old (or a little younger), would I do things differently then, knowing what I know now?

I probably would take all the knowledge of what has happened with me and did my best to avoid the messes that I’ve gotten myself into. I would have definitely taken better care of myself as well in all respects. I would have put in a lot more effort into being the best me without relying heavily on my partner. Would I go through dating my partner again? I probably would. He’s not awful, he just pisses me off a bit sometimes. I don’t think I would want to be with him now though, honestly if he didn’t get a do-over as well. I wish he would have done a bit better in the relationship department though and was sensitive enough to know when I was having some serious issues.

That brings me to another point: The last time I went to Texas for a long time, I met someone there who I admit, I fell head over heels for. I really did but I had to return here and sometimes I think back and ask myself “What if I didn’t leave?” Would I still be with this guy near my hometown? My family would have been happier as well. He’s a nice guy and I have tried to stay in contact with him while I’ve been gone on more friendly terms. I sometimes thought about going back and maybe having things work out.

Except, he’s hell-bent at being pissed off at me I think for coming back here and being gone for so long and he’s entitled for that. It feels like if I don’t talk to him, he wouldn’t even bother with me so I think I’ve made that decision just to leave that part of my life in the past. I think that’s best because it was like pouring my heart into something where I get hardly anything back. I’m not really sure whether that’s a cultural thing or not though. Thinking about it, he’s a pretty handsome guy but career-wise, I’m not sure whether we are in the same boat. I worry about that a little bit sometimes.

So I will move forward, chug ahead and live things out for me and flirt with other guys if they’ll let me! Right?

I don’t have a time machine and I’m pretty sure I won’t ever have one so I guess the best thing to do is to live my life now the best I can and hopefully make better changes now to make the future brighter!

Hillary for America!

Today was the day that Hillary Clinton announced that she was running for president. It was also the day that my Facebook feed started filling with sexist things. It’s really sad and it took all my self-control not to say something about it. Of course, I do hail from Texas where people actually voted Ted Cruz in for senator, so…

Some of you may already know that I vote Democrat in US elections and like most voters, I don’t see one candidate as perfect. They’re never perfect. I rooted for Hillary when she ran the first time and was totally heartbroken the she didn’t get the nomination. I still voted for Barack Obama because I do want to see change in the USA and I believe that he brought on that change that a lot of people needed, the LGBT community especially. Not everything about him was or is perfect but I am happy with the major accomplishments he has brought forth in his 8 years in office. At first I was cynical that he would be able to do much, but… wow.

People seem to think that I want to vote for Hillary Clinton because she’s a woman. Yes, she’s a strong woman who I admire and respect very much. Why I want to her to become president is that she has a LOT of experience that ranges in so many different areas. She believes the same way that I do in regards to education and equality whether that is equal pay for equal work (regardless of gender) and how same-sex couples should be allowed to marry.

I am admittedly a little scared of the Republican line-up for presidential nominations right now. Rand Paul? Ted Cruz? Maybe Mike Huckabee? Possibly Rick Perry? Um, Rick Santorum? I don’t see Americans falling head over heels for any of these people. I really hope they’re not dumb enough. I am deathly scared that one of these people are going to do anything in their power to snatch marriage rights from us. That’s something they’ve got to change, especially with the marriage bit being on the table now.

So with all this said, good luck Hillary Clinton! I hope to see you in the White House!

(I get a bit bored typing so my enthusiasm typing these goes down. Sorry for the abrupt ending!)