Moving Time

moving_tipsWell, the time has come: I am moving out of Melbourne and into my partner’s place. It’s a pretty big move considering that I have moved in with my previous boyfriends quite quickly. We’ve lived together at my place for a few months and it went well, so this is logically the next step.

This means that I may not post for the next few days or more. I could post from my tablet but I hate typing on that thing!

A few exciting things are coming up for me, but I will say more in a few days, then again in a month from now! I need to continue to get my stuff together so this one is a quick post.

Racism Still Sucks: White History Month

I just typed something about how tired I am of my distant relatives posting racist crap to their Facebook walls, but got a bit too pissed while doing it. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to come on here and start complaining that people are posting racist stuff. Actually, I’m not really sure.

Keep in mind that these same people are the ones going on about how much a certain presidential nominee is the best thing since baked bread. They totally don’t care that the man is only interested in two things: himself and his businesses. He doesn’t care about the poor, racist, homophobic, gun-crazy, bigots that are going to vote for him. Do they really think someone who has billions of dollars actually cares about anybody but himself?

But this isn’t about that racist twat. This is about the racist people (who are just like him) posting the dumbest shit. Sure, I should just remove them. A majority of them are already ignored.

Waaah, waaaaah! It's so hard being white... >:( - This is a question that racists ask.

“Waaah, waaaaah! It’s so hard being white…” >:( – This is a question that racists ask.

What was the problem? Some stupid graphic asking when white history month is. That is something people seriously want to know if they’re racist. Why? Because I think other minorities are entitled to that because of all the bullshit they had/have to go through. Today! Because some people can’t let things go! (They’re mostly redneck white trash.) I always enjoyed learning incredible things about incredible people, regardless of what color they are. Seems pretty stupid for me to only care about being white. “Oh my god, it’s so difficult being white! I had to fight for everything I had…” mmm hmm. Don’t buy that it’s not true. Though I haven’t had an incredibly great life so far, I have no one else to blame but myself.

Luckily, these people that I have the problems with are all in the state of Missouri where I guess they don’t have anything to do than be assholes.

I just simply don’t like racism. I don’t like it being veiled. I don’t like anybody saying “I’m not racist, but… <insert a reason to validate my shitty reasons to stereotype a group of people>.”

Racism sucks. Racists suck. That’s why I don’t like the South.

PS: I like everybody. I am 100% proud to be 100% human. I am not the greatest putting words together but if you have something to say, feel free to leave a comment or leave a message to me. Maybe it will make me say more sometime.

I am Not Perfect–And That Bothers Me

13235088_10153588095086179_7272356212231392232_o

I found this on my Facebook feed this morning.

Is it supposed to be funny or is it supposed to make people like me think about the things I do? I saw it and I have to say that people are sometimes like this. I am one of them. Whether it’s sushi or a project I’m working on, I am always second guessing whether what I am doing is good enough. I end up doing what I consider as sub-par work and no matter what I do, it will never the definition of perfect (in my mind).

It’s sad because this kind of thinking has ended some of my relationships where I just tell someone that they’re better off with someone else who has nice skin, nice teeth, nice muscles, and all of that good stuff. I feel incredibly dumb most of the time but I’m told¬†that I am quite intelligent. My thought process, I feel, blocks a lot of the incredible things that I can do. It’s why no one here has seen many of the things that I work on because I don’t feel like anything I do is up to scratch and everything is flawed.

It’s simple to say “Well, change the way you think” but sadly, it’s not that easy for me. From a very young age, I was hardly ever told that anything I did was good. When I would do something such as making As and Bs on my report card, no one would look at the good grades, it was always the lowest grade I made. Even if I made all As, there was always a flaw somewhere. My parents just didn’t tell me “good job” about anything which, looking back, is really important. Sure, I didn’t expect a participation badge for everything but I just wanted to be told that I did a good job at stuff. I spent a long time trying to make my parents proud of me. I still don’t feel like they are/would be proud of me. I have done some incredible things though and I think that my dad did tell me that he’s impressed at what I’ve done. I think it was a little too late though because I still feel like nothing I do is great. It really wastes a lot of my time when I am working on things for people. I spend so much time making things perfect that I really miss out on a lot of time that I could spend elsewhere.

It’s a bit complicated. I think it’s just because my self-esteem isn’t really great. I sure beat it up quite a lot. I wish it was easy to change but it’s not. Baby steps maybe?

It’s good that a lot of my friends and my partner overlook my imperfections. I don’t know what I would do if I had to deal with the pain of not being perfect when I am alone.

I Told You It Would Be a Slow Month

Sorry I haven’t shown my face around here for a while. I have been either taking care of someone who’s sick or now being sick myself. It’s honestly not too bad, but I have been spending some time catching up on things relating to my move in just over a week. There are so many things to think about and so many things to do.

A big problem with this move is that there is too much uncertainty at how the move will go. My partner has been telling me that we don’t need much of anything so I haven’t bought any appliances or furniture or anything like that so that is a bit unnerving. I was looking for electricity and gas companies but was told that his brother won’t be disconnecting them and will simply be moving them into my partner’s name. What worries me is that I don’t know whether his brother will have a bad day between now and my moving date and change his mind. I don’t need or want that. There have been a few things that he’s changed his mind about that I need to deal with so I’m feeling a bit uneasy at the moment.

My partner and I though are ready to move in together and I am looking forward to it. Hopefully it will go well! I have spent a few hours writing future posts, so make sure you look for them! They’re really major things: one in the first couple of days in June, and one in the first couple of days in July.

That’s all I can say for now. Hopefully I’ll feel better soon! Hope you all are okay! ūüôā

A Taste of India

You know, it has almost been a year and we still make excuses to be with each other as much as possible. I spent the last two¬†days with¬†him and his family. This is a bit significant because it marks the first time that I have spent¬†time with any of my partner’s family. Of course, I’ve met them before but it has only been an hour at the most. This time, it was for two days. I also got to Skype with my partner’s mom, dad, and great-aunt who are all in India. What else is interesting is that it was the first time that I have been able to spend time with an Indian family like that.

A few things before I start, if you’re an Indian and something I say is not right, feel free to correct me. Just make sure that you’re gentle with me! (The video looks a bit silly but to me, it’s informative.)

First thing’s first: I love the head wobbling. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you should take some time out of your day and chat with an Indian (and if you’re still confused, just watch the video here). I could probably say that it’s one of those things that you start doing yourself. I’ve been known to do head wobbles myself, even before I was with my current partner. I find that it’s quite handy. I think it’s a bit automatic now with I’m with other Indians and my partner’s family is no exception.

Next, my partner’s brother and sister-in-law cooked last night and it was really good. All of it was Indian food and all of it was really nice. In case you didn’t know, I love Indian food and would be happy to have it forever. In fact, years ago when I was eating vegetarian (not 100% though), I had Indian food 1 or 2 times a day. I felt pretty good back then because I wasn’t eating very much meat. While I was living in the USA, I was used to eating some kind of meat for every meal so this was a bit of a change.

kerala-sadya-1Something Caucasians aren’t really used to is that Indians eat with their hands and because I had not spent much time with Indians in a familial setting, this was a bit strange for me. It was a lot of mixing and stuff and when I eat with my hands, I typically don’t mix my food up like that. It was like this is the first time that I saw my partner do this and it’s perfectly fine. I told them that it’s not new to me but I can’t do it myself because I’d make a huge mess and my hands and fingers are a little too heat-sensitive as well. (I know that the food isn’t boiling or really super hot or anything like that, but sometimes it can be). My partner’s sister-in-law told me that Indians want to enjoy the whole eating experience–whether it’s feeling the food and a better taste. She has some really valid points as well. I do know that when I go to India, I’m going to go all in.

Going back to seeing my partner’s parents, I am still a little shy when it comes to that. I did and do notice how much my partner loves his family and I think that’s really nice. I love seeing everyone interact together and seeing how, even though some of them live overseas, it’s like they are there. I did feel like I was in a room full of family and though there are obviously some language barriers, but I loved the experience and happy that I have been able to experience it. I guess the way to learn about it is to just take it like some people learn their first language.

The experience of being in a setting like this has made it a lot easier for me because these people seem to be close to me already. I love that and I felt like they really cared and felt interested in me. I love the questions I got and it’s exciting that I am going to be able to meet my partner’s mother later this year possibly.

Next year, I am planning to go to India. I thought that it would be about a week (so I could still go to the USA at the end of the year) but my partner told me it would be about a month that we’re going there so I moved my trip back to be a little later. I am very excited to go to India because I have always wanted to go and this is a perfect opportunity for me to go! My partner is excited too and I love seeing that.

Each of these little things other people take for granted make me love that guy even more. Poor guy was sick over the past few days and whatever he has is contagious so…¬† yeah, we’ll see how crappy I feel the next week. I have a feeling that I had the same thing before and it was awful. I hope he gets better really soon.

Moving and Cultural Exposure

Before I have a flashback of my travels across Australia, I thought I would remind you that I will be moving around the end of the month. That means that I may not post as much as I usually do.

kathakaliBecause I am essential just moving into my partner’s family’s old place, it’s going to be a pretty easy move. My partner told me that his brother may invite me to their new place for a housewarming. What will be interesting is that it will be a Hindu-style house-warming which I have never experienced before so of course, tons of questions enter my mind like “What exactly do I expect?” My partner has told me it will be a bit of a lite version and it will be very small. Luckily, there are some videos online that show me what they’re like. I am really unfamiliar with a lot of things so everything is new. As I’ve stated before in other posts, this is the longest that I have been with an Indian guy.

As anxious and nervous as I am, I know that it important to my partner and his family, I am going to go. The culture has always been interesting to me and to be included in it is quite special. This guy goes out of his way to make me feel included and a part of his family which I have never, ever experienced before. So instead of being anxious and nervous, I should be thankful.

Maybe¬†a lot of this is good preparation before¬†I go to India sometime next year and visit my partner’s hometown. He’s super excited about it and I love seeing that in him.

Hi May

Not much is going to happen here for now. It’s just been over a week since I posted and I guess it’s worth mentioning that I’m still around. I thought that my next few posts may reflect on some of the things I’ve done since I have lived here in Australia.

That has to wait though.

Right this second, I have stuff to do so yes, later it will be.

My Coming Out Story

I thought that maybe I should write something about my coming out as a gay men while I still remember. Quite a lot of this, if you’ve been around me for years, will be regurgitation but if you’re looking for help, ideas, or support, then feel free to read my answers to some questions. I’m going to do my very best not to go off topic too much, but if I do, just hang in there!

What was life like for me growing up? (A little background)

prideflagI grew up in a small town somewhere in Texas, close to Houston, Texas. It was one of those small communities where people knew each other (to a degree, because there were still thousands of people who lived there).

My parents were both in my life though sometimes I feel like they were both emotionally available to me only slightly. I felt like that I couldn’t tell them much of anything without getting in trouble for it (and I feel like that a lot today as well with my mother). I also grew up feeling like anything or everything I did wasn’t good enough. My sister was always my playmate though she was older. When she was getting to that age where she was no longer interested in playing with her little brother was really hard for¬†me.

I played with Legos a lot. I had a huge obsession for computers, video games, art, music and such. I have always had a creative mind and to this day, I still embrace that as I am able.

I was never surrounded by anybody who was gay or lesbian. My family had their own opinions about some family members and when they came out, it wasn’t pretty but it was never horrible.

My childhood wasn’t very religious though I eventually began to go to the Church of Latter Day Saints through my teens. (I went to church so that I wouldn’t feel left out with everybody else. My hometown is full of religious people.)

When did I first know I was gay?

I honestly did not totally get it until I was in my teenage years, I’d probably say around 13 or 14. Before then, I was interested in girls because I wanted to fit in with everybody and being from a small town, that’s what I felt like I should do–be interested in girls. So I kept getting girlfriends and my sister would find out and tell my mother. Then, I was really embarrassed!

I can remember that the last girlfriend I had been¬†with was when I was about 16 years old. She was sweet but she dumped me for one of my friends! I wasn’t really hurt because at that time, I think I knew that I liked men.Mormon Rainbow

In high school, I was pretty much a skinny guy who didn’t play sports very well (except for soccer) and got bullied only a little bit. The bullying was never horrible and it didn’t make me not want to go to school. (What made me not want to go to school was AOL and the school told my parents that I could have graduated 2 years earlier, which they did not let me do… so I rebelled.)

I developed crushes on guys in high school but wouldn’t act on it. That is, until my senior year of high school. I was around 17 years old when I finally had myself a “boyfriend”. It was very short-lived for reasons I don’t care to reveal here.

I kinda did what a lot of kids in high school. I said I was bisexual (and I still think in ways, I am. Even now I don’t feel like I am 100%¬†gay). Bisexual at the time sounded better than being a gay guy. Being so-called bisexual, to me, shielded me from the name calling, I thought.

I had some good friends back then who understood me and when I did tell them I was bi, they didn’t care. They were mostly in drama classes so I suspected that they didn’t really care anyway.

When did I tell my family?

This is when things got a little weird. My dad asked me one night if I was gay and I immediately said, maybe a little bit. He needed clarification so I said I was bisexual. He asked me whether he was going to get grandchildren and I said, “Well, maybe. I don’t see why not.” In my head, I was thinking to myself that I could easily produce offspring. I wouldn’t have to be with a woman to do that, but I didn’t want to get a woman pregnant just for that reason. He, then, told me to never tell my mom that part of my life because “she doesn’t like that shit”.

I finally told my sister about it at some point. I don’t remember if it was before that or after, but I eventually told her long before I told a lot of people but it was around the same time frame. I don’t think she meant it but she seemed to treat me a little different for that fact and sometimes she would say some pretty nasty things about me when she’d get mad which always made me want to curl up under a rock. I don’t think she knows this or not. We are okay about it now and I talk to her about who I am seeing.

rainbow birthday cake

Later, much later, I was on Facebook and one of my aunts was saying really nasty things about gay people and I ignored it for a while. Finally, I said that it was enough and came out to all my family on Facebook at the age of 32 or 33. That is when my mom found out and I didn’t talk to her for about a week after I did that and told her I was so sorry for doing that, mostly because my dad told me not to tell her.

A few of my family members on my dad’s side of the family stopped talking to me and didn’t want to have much to do with me. They would go to places like my aunt’s and grandpa’s funeral and my uncle would call me the “queer” of the family. I choose not to talk to him anymore because I have no room in my life for that negativity.

I tell people this all the time: I didn’t expect for anybody to show me pity or sympathy for my sexuality. I just want people to say “OK” then move on with their lives. I’d have to say that most of my family (besides the ones that I mentioned above) are fine with it.

No one brings it up and that’s what I prefer.

Who else did I come out as gay to?

Coming out to others is a process that doesn’t stop. Unfortunately, people assume that you like someone of the same sex unless they can tell or unless you tell them so I have to do it continuously. I’ve found that living in a big city in Australia makes this a non-issue because I surround myself with people who just don’t care or as I said earlier, “OK” with it.

As far as my best friend in the USA, I told her eventually. Her family, to me, seemed quite conservative and I was afraid that they wouldn’t like me anymore once they knew. I do know that they were afraid that I would turn my best friend into a lesbian. I think a lot of them totally understand me know and know that sexuality isn’t something that I can spread around like a cold.

How far have I come?

Luckily, I have always been the kind of person who totally understands that I am a little different. Not because of the gay thing, but in almost everything. I love my individuality. I love being comfortable enough now to tell people who I have a partner. The weight having told my family is an immense pressure off my back even if they have said they already knew!

When I was younger, I didn’t see the importance of telling people who I really am. Until I was in my early 30s, I didn’t really see the whole point of being able to get¬†married. In so many ways, getting older has made me a little wiser, more open-minded, and stronger.

What if you are reading this and need support?

What I have to say is that people aren’t going to like you 100% of the time. Someone is always going to have a problem with anything that you do. I was lucky enough to have a family that mostly still love me but I know that it is not always the case with other people. I know sometimes different cultures, religions, and upbringings make every situation different. What I do have to tell you is this: Tell your family/friends/whoever about your life when you want to and when you think it is safe. If that means being across the world like me, then so be it! There is always going to be someone in your life that totally gets you (and they’ve known about you for a lot longer than you think) and they’ll love you no matter what.

Your sexuality is only a little part of you. It doesn’t have to define you and it doesn’t have to restrict you from living your life¬†the way that makes you happy.

You don’t have to fit into any stereotypes. Be yourself. Love yourself and if you don’t/can’t do that, learn to love yourself! You can do it!

If you need support, hugs, or a message of encouragement, you know where to find me! You can always send me a message here or leave a comment here.

If you need a little list of resources, I have made a small list here which I will be linking to this entry.

 

The Guy I Love

DSC_0011I am pretty bad about going to see my boyfriend who lives in another city. He usually came to see me and we’d go around Melbourne or to my place. I decided today I would go and see him on his “own turf”. I didn’t realize that the times that I went there, I was with another friend of mine so I didn’t get much of a tour around the smaller town.

I originally planned to leave where I’m staying at 10 am but ended up waking up around 6 am, so I left when I could. I ended up getting there just before 9 am.

We met up and just spent the day together. I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could, so I left when the sun went down. If it was up to me, I would have stayed with him all day and night, but right now, that can’t happen. When I move in with him next month, we’ll have plenty of time together.

DSC_0010

It is coming up to one year together and I’m very excited to be able to spend every day with him. I really hope that we’re able to stay together. I’m really looking forward to having him in my life and if the past year is any indication of what I get for years to come, I hope that it is forever.

I can’t say just how sweet, loving, caring, beautiful this guy is and I’m not really sure I have all the words to describe him but I do know that I love him more than anything. Today just cemented that fact, just like every single time I see him makes me love him even more.

Different Is Beautiful

Sometimes I think it’s probably best to give myself a few days to cool down before I post certain things on here but it’s there and it’s readable. I have made some really valid points concerning my privacy and it’s made me really think about¬†the things I discuss with people or write. I think that was the important thing. It’s kind of why I took down my travel section here because I had to ask myself whether it’s anybody’s business.

Anyway, on to the main point of this post.

As people here may or may not know, I have been having quite a lot of back problems lately and I don’t seem to get much of a break in the mornings from pain. I have started noticing it after I put on a lot more weight and after I have been forced to be a lot more active.

My partner, about a week ago, told me that when we go to India, I’ll have ayurvedic massages which I said no, I’m not interested. I told him that I didn’t like to be massaged or touched like that because they usually make me more tense. I’m not really sure but I have never particularly liked people being that close to me. Every so often, I’ll allow it but generally, I don’t like to be touched.

It's really hard for people to get in my personal space like this...

It’s really hard for people to get in my personal space like this…

Now, I know that when you go to a country (especially my partner’s country for the first time), you’re supposed to try these things out. The problem is that I don’t even like to be touched in Australia or the USA like that. I don’t know how someone else would be able to make me relax.

He said I was culturally insensitive for that. Okay, I’m not sure whether he used those words but he’s a sweet man who I love to bits and pieces. That hasn’t really been said to me before so I was a little shocked.

Yesterday, he did a dance performance in front of a group of people and he sent me a few pictures. I have to admit that I told him that he looked “strange” (yes, my poorly chosen words) but then said that it was probably not the best way to describe what I thought. I said different instead. He did look different. Not in a bad way, it was just different for me but he is still handsome. I just told him he needs a haircut because I like him with short hair. I think he doesn’t like his hair short so it’s a bit of a different preference for the both of us. He has to be happy, and that’s what matters. (And I like him with some facial hair too. It makes him look super handsome.)

What saddened me though is that he said that I shouldn’t be shallow-minded about what he’s wearing¬†in those pictures. That’s after I told him that I would show my sister. What he doesn’t know is that I wanted to show her because it’s cute. He’s cute. He may not think he is, but I think he is.

handsome guy

I don’t know whether he’ll kill me for posting this. To me, he looks like a Mortal Kombat fighter. ;)

To me, I think that it would be like me going to meet him at the train station wearing cowboy gear or something like that since I’m a native Texan. It’s not something I’d choose to wear everyday (or at all for that matter) but I know that he would see it as different. Same thing goes for me because I’m always seeing him with his regular clothes.

As I said somewhere before, I haven’t really dated an Indian for this long before. Yes, I have really liked one or two before, but I’ve¬†never been this deep emotionally with someone of that culture. I know what makes him different makes him special and I wouldn’t expect him to ever push that aside. Ever. I really like it. It’s a learning experience for me, I guess you could say but at the same time, I know he’s a great guy with a huge heart.

I guess if it did come down to it and I went to India, sure, I’d give the massage a try. I think a lot of the times, we’re just afraid of the unknown. Over time, this unknown will finally reveal itself. Trying isn’t going to hurt me, right?

As far as being culturally insensitive, I probably have been a few times. Sometimes I have been dismissive of it because I like to see a person as a person and not as someone of a certain color, religion, etc. I think, really, he knows that about me already. It’s just frustrating sometimes to be in a place where people don’t try to understand others or the stories behind people. I find them fascinating. I hope that I have a lot more stories with this guy.