Sometimes I think about what my life could have been like in different situations like:
- What would my life be like if I didn’t move here?
- What if I didn’t go back to Australia after my last trip?
- Where would I be if I said “Enough is enough” when I should have when my longest relationship was getting bad?
- What if things actually worked out with that relationship and I was actually happy and wanted to stay here?
- What if my last relationships had worked out well?
There are more questions I ask myself every so often but I’ll leave them out because living in the past isn’t something that should be encouraged especially when it comes to mistakes. I feel like sometimes, if I could go back in time to when I am 20 years old (or a little younger), would I do things differently then, knowing what I know now?
I probably would take all the knowledge of what has happened with me and did my best to avoid the messes that I’ve gotten myself into. I would have definitely taken better care of myself as well in all respects. I would have put in a lot more effort into being the best me without relying heavily on my partner. Would I go through dating my partner again? I probably would. He’s not awful, he just pisses me off a bit sometimes. I don’t think I would want to be with him now though, honestly if he didn’t get a do-over as well. I wish he would have done a bit better in the relationship department though and was sensitive enough to know when I was having some serious issues.
That brings me to another point: The last time I went to Texas for a long time, I met someone there who I admit, I fell head over heels for. I really did but I had to return here and sometimes I think back and ask myself “What if I didn’t leave?” Would I still be with this guy near my hometown? My family would have been happier as well. He’s a nice guy and I have tried to stay in contact with him while I’ve been gone on more friendly terms. I sometimes thought about going back and maybe having things work out.
Except, he’s hell-bent at being pissed off at me I think for coming back here and being gone for so long and he’s entitled for that. It feels like if I don’t talk to him, he wouldn’t even bother with me so I think I’ve made that decision just to leave that part of my life in the past. I think that’s best because it was like pouring my heart into something where I get hardly anything back. I’m not really sure whether that’s a cultural thing or not though. Thinking about it, he’s a pretty handsome guy but career-wise, I’m not sure whether we are in the same boat. I worry about that a little bit sometimes.
So I will move forward, chug ahead and live things out for me and flirt with other guys if they’ll let me! Right?
I don’t have a time machine and I’m pretty sure I won’t ever have one so I guess the best thing to do is to live my life now the best I can and hopefully make better changes now to make the future brighter!