Does anybody even read this stuff anymore? Ah, regardless, I will continue my bi-monthly therapy self-treatments.
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about marriage and relationships in general. You may remember that sometime last year I officially came out as gay to my closest friends and family (yet, a lot of them already knew, but this was the official announcement). If you've been around me for a lot longer than the past year, you may remember that in the beginning I didn't throw my support behind gay marriage (and not because it was wrong, immoral or any grounds like that, I just felt that it wasn't needed; I've totally reversed this thinking).
I've been reading up on the whole gay marriage thing and I've listened to people (through readings, videos and from real-time conversations) to see what people think and why they believe the way they do. I've never felt more like it's overdue than I do now.
What broke my spirit years ago is that I asked my then boyfriend if we would get married and he told me "no". It broke my spirit a little bit because I feel like I could have been with him long-term at the time and would have loved to do it. After he told me no, I began to think that it's acceptable though secretly, that's what I wanted. I wanted to have that relationship status with somebody. I wanted to have a family with someone but I guess he wasn't the one - I see that now. People keep telling me that they think we'll get back together some day. Things might turn out that way but only if those cards are dealt to me when I think they should be - not right now.
I find it interesting that since our breakup, I haven't really gotten myself together. Everybody who I date ends up hating my guts or just downright disappointed. I don't blame them and it's not that I want to hang on to something I've already lost but it's basically about not being able to date since I didn't really do much of it. When I do date, it's just... terrible for me. I don't really like it.
Unfortunately for us white folk, we don't age very well and I am seeing and feeling changes all over my body. I'm no longer twinkish, smooth and not as muscular. I think these things are bothering me quite a lot now. I am beginning to miss my youth. Hanging around at the university doesn't do very much for my self esteem either. I look at these guys and I say to myself "10 years ago, you probably could have had him". The thing is that 10 years ago I was in a relationship with someone that I thought I'd be with forever. Didn't happen. I am still a little bitter about it... but not hopeful.
On Facebook, I've noticed some of my friends getting into relationships and then getting "engaged" though it's not legal for two people of the same sex to get married yet. It gets to me a bit.
What I don't get though is why some people have such an issue with two adults of the same sex getting together, spending their lives together and having the same rights as married couples do. I'm not really sure why or how that affects other people's relationships. I'm not sure how making it legal will cause an influx of people magically thinking that they will be forced to get married to someone of the same sex. It's all small thinking. It's all horrible and I hope one day that this whole thing becomes a non-issue.
I think sometimes what life would be like if some people in the USA weren't so uptight about everything. I'm not anti-religion but wow, some of the stuff coming out of that country makes people worldwide go "What the fuck???"
New Zealand may be next to make the same-sex marriage thing legal. I am hoping that the Australian government is opening their eyes and ears because if it happens in New Zealand, Australians are going to demand change here. So, good luck New Zealand!
I know these paragraphs are just loosely stitched together. That's because I am just writing these things as they enter my head. Just excuse the unorganized state of this post. :)