Rise Then Shine

Getting up before 5 am kinda sucks. I know there are people out there do it all the time. Honestly, it’s not that bad for me. I survive and usually, I do it with minimal bitching. Getting up early though has always brought back memories when I was a kid.

Flashback to the 90s, you know, back when I stole my mom’s Discover card to get dial-up  internet, my dad had to be at work early in the morning. If I’m not mistaken, it was about 6:00 or 6:30 am when he had to be at work. I really should know this because I worked with him for a few weeks. (I quit after 2 weeks because I just don’t really do blue collar jobs very well. My job was to scrub machinery with a bucket and brush for 8 hours. I felt so bad for quitting, but I was really miserable. I don’t like working with family. I wouldn’t even work with my partner.)

Anyway, when my dad would get pissed off at my sister or me, he’d wake us up when he’d wake up and make us stay up. He’d go to work, and we’d go back to bed. It made my school day terrible.

sleep

Sleeping beauty here can sleep through the apocalypse.

When we’d go on road trips (as a family), we’d get up super early and leave. For some reason, my dad was just a morning person.

 

I did learn from him that if I woke up early in the mornings on my school summer breaks, my summer would seem to last a little longer. It did. I’d usually hear someone leave, then crawl out of bed. The downside of this is that I would go to sleep a lot earlier than most people my age.

Fast forward several years, on vacations, I like to wake up early. It doesn’t matter what I do, but sometimes getting out of bed and not have to rush to do anything is great. I can lay in bed, get up and take a really long shower or something, and it felt pretty great.

I just think I have never really been a guy to sleep until noon. My thinking was that if I got out of bed at 10:00 or after that, I have wasted the day. Then, I end up getting only 15% of what I wanted accomplished done that day.

My partner has a habit of going to sleep around 1-2 am every night, so I end up sleeping by myself a few hours before he goes to bed and I’m usually up 3-4 hours before he is (assuming he doesn’t work). As much as I wish that I could be with someone who gets up early, it just doesn’t happen. It makes going out to the beach for the day really hard because, you know, the 10:00 am rule.

I’m just not really big on sleep, I guess. I DO attempt to get 7-8 hours every night, but these mornings where I have to be at a place an hour and a half way, I end up getting around 5 hours.

Geez, these statistics! I probably should just put it in a chart or something. (Nah.)

Anyway… I’m a morning person by habit but it doesn’t always mean I am a ray of sunshine.

America Online: The Memories and Rejection

Over the past few days, I have been quite sick so I have been playing Stardew Valley instead of doing the work that I should be doing (even while I’m sick). If you’re a sucker for the good ol’ days of SNES-style games, then it’s really worth playing. Of course, I ended up downloading and installing a mod that would give me anything and everything, so I kind of ruined it for myself. Now I’ve pretty much done everything there is to do in the game. If I had the time, energy, and money to make something similar, I would but at the end of the day, I am no artist. My previous work would show that. (Remember? I make games? Sometimes I forget that too.)

If you’re a Steam user, feel free to add me to your friends list.

AOL defined my teenage years. Sometimes it’s better not to go back and revisit your past. 😉

Speaking of nostalgia, sometimes I go and download things I’ve tried in the past to see what’s going on with them now. One of those pieces of software is AOL. My memories of AOL were mostly good ones. I remember getting one of those disks in the mail and signing up for the trial. Sadly, I was about 14-15 years old and didn’t have my own credit card, so I took my mom’s Discover card and used that. I skipped a lot of school and used it to go to gay chat rooms while my parents were at work. Once they left, I’d have to wait until they left to go back online. I remember how mad my dad would get because the phone lines were always busy. (I couldn’t disable call waiting or they’d suspect something.) After the trial period, I couldn’t cancel it so I thought I’d just hide their credit card bill from them. Not a good idea. Eventually, I got caught by my parents. They weren’t happy with me!

My best friend and I, once we were adults, would use AOL chat rooms and see how offensive we could be to the ladies in the quilting room. One of my favorite things she typed had something to do with inserting a cucumber in her anus. That got my account banned and blocked. I had to call them to unblock it and I kid you not, the guy read what she typed in the room back to me. I almost choked and I said, “Well, I guess no more AOL for her!” We still laugh about that.

This made me LOL, like, really. I always had a really hard time pretending to be someone else.

I do remember one time I was in a local gay chat room and some person all of a sudden went off on me and told me that he knew my family and he was going to tell them that I was gay. I was like, well, I don’t really care. That ended really fast, but I guess that’s a perk of living in a small town. My parents were never told anything that I know of. People there are just like that. Mean, but probably closeted gays themselves. It was a bit scary, but I guess it could have been worse, right?

I don’t know how I survived with dial-up but in later years, I’d have to do that. I had to live with my grandparents for a while, after a hurricane ruined my mom and dad’s house, and they refused to get high-speed internet. So, I had to use a dial-up service of my own. That was around 2004 or so. It was still really painful.

Anyway, so I downloaded and installed the latest version of AOL and as I type this, the thing is uninstalling. I used it for maybe 10 minutes and saw banner ads all over everything and was like, why the hell am I even doing this? AOL is basically just a web browser with a ton of bloat now. The chat rooms are laughable. I probably saw around 50 people in the gay chat rooms total. Most of them were in the Bisexual 50’s room. OK, most of them were. So basically they were guys who cheated on their wives. I didn’t go in. No interest. Some links didn’t work. The profiles didn’t work. It was like using a software that wasn’t even supported anymore, but you use it because you can. It was for the nostalgia, I guess.

PS: The uninstaller is awful. Don’t install AOL unless you want to sit through an uninstaller that takes more than 30 minutes and STILL doesn’t remove everything.

Every so often, I use other chat programs I used to use and they’ve been deserted: My ICQ friends have all disappeared. No one is on AIM anymore. My Skype/MSN lists confuse the hell out of me. Everybody’s moved on to apps on their phone. I don’t blame them. What’s sad is that I had some really great chats with some people, but they’re all gone. I guess we have to move on, right?

When the Queen Label Doesn’t Fit

Hi there. It’s been a little while since I’ve posted here. I wrote, but apparently what I wrote wasn’t up to scratch, so here I am again. Let’s give this another go, shall we? In those posts, I wrote a little bit about how I hate being labeled as someone who only dates someone of a certain background. I thought I wrote about it before but searching through my weblog hasn’t yielded any results. So, I guess maybe I’ll talk about that, or if the search feature here sucks, I’ll be repeating myself.

I’ll be upfront with something: I hate being labeled as any kind of queen. People around me, gay and straight, have always had this idea that I will only meet, chat with, be attracted to, go on dates with, lust over, or sleep with East Asian men. Why would they say or think something like that? Because I date East Asian men. I spent almost 13 years of my life involved with a guy who was born in Hong Kong. Automatically, people started thinking that I only like Chinese men so they’d point at any Asian person and say something like “You think he’s hot, don’t you?” I’d say “I am not attracted to every Asian guy.”  I’m just not and I find it a little irritating when people make generalizations like that. Yes, I was in love with an Asian guy. No, I don’t lust over all of them.

My thing is that I like everybody, period. I’ve been in love with a white guy. I’ve been in a relationship with a black guy (because it was too early to say that I loved him). I’ve fallen in love with a Mexican guy which in hindsight, would have been a very tumultuous and probably short-lived relationship. I’ve fallen in love with another Indian guy (besides with who I am with now). I don’t think there’s someone who I wouldn’t date because of where they’re from. People don’t see that, but my dating pool hasn’t excluded anybody based on where they’re from, what color they are, what their ethnic background is, or anything like that. I will admit a different culture makes things interesting in good and bad ways, but it’s all about adapting and learning, right? It’s also about respect. No one should feel bad about who they are.

What’s interesting now is that some friends have automatically labelled me as someone who is only attracted to South Asians so they’ve moved me from the “rice queen” label to the “spice queen” label. Needless to say, I don’t really speak to them much anymore. Not because of the label itself, but I get some extra commentary stapled to it. You can imagine that sometimes that extra commentary is in the form of the negative stereotypes of Indians. I really don’t like that. Sure, being with an Indian guy has given me an idea of what the culture is like. Some of it is new for me, and sometimes I don’t really understand what’s going on all the time. I don’t see the stereotypes I’ve heard about from other people. Maybe the lateness is a problem, sometimes.

I love spices, but I don’t ONLY love to eat spicy food. Make sense?

I don’t think I should be labelled, especially when the label is not true. Being called a bear or otter or whatever is fine though because something like that is based on my looks and probably something that I can never change. (By the way for people who don’t know, a bear is a hairy (or sometimes not very hairy) gay guy usually with a bit more to love, and an otter is a hairy gay guy who doesn’t have much body fat.) It took me a while to finally accept that I’m a bear, but here I am. Bears can be hot. I do enjoy myself a hairy guy. (Living with another hairy guy kinda turns the bathroom floor into a rug.)

I guess it’s also worth noting that I don’t like being called a faggot, queer, or any other lovely name that assholes use to describe gay people. Growing up in the south has taught me to really despise those words so I don’t use them. I know by gay guys using them that might be an empowering thing, but not for me.

I think that’s what I have to say. I am not feeling particularly wonderful at the moment. Nauseated. Not fun. If anything doesn’t make sense, that’s why. I’m probably thinking of food but waiting for my partner to get home from work. And after posting that spice picture makes me hungry. I probably should eat today. Sounds like a good deal?

What to take away from this? I don’t put barriers around who I will date, ethnicity-wise. So don’t label me. Oh, and don’t stereotype. It’s not nice.

I’ve Been Slacking as a Partner

I keep posting about how anxious I am, and how stressed I am at the moment. I am really trying to get that app done so my course doesn’t get ignored. Unfortunately, I’ve been concentrating so much on the app and sitting at a laptop most of my days, that I’ve ignored one of the most important people in my life. He brought that up the other day and I think he was at his breaking point. It’s kind of weird because I thought he was too busy for me, and he thought I was too busy for him. As a result, things have veered into dangerous territory. That’s not a good thing.

I keep things a bit quiet over here on this weblog about my relationship with him. I mean, I don’t really emphasise the good things about him. I come here to complain about a lot of things, and I think I’ve complained a few times about him.

100% handsome.

I’ve been trying to make it a point over the last few days to tell him that he’s a great guy but I probably should have been doing this over the last few months. Sure, I think he’s a really great guy in my head and love him to bits (I really do), but I tend to keep that all inside and don’t do enough to show him. So, why not go through and talk about all the wonderful things about him?

He’s got a great heart. I don’t think he’s ever done anything to intentionally make me upset. He does have this thing where he argues about small things to make them seem like a lot bigger problems, but I think his heart is in the right place. He is always putting me over his own needs, and I don’t do that for him very often. He’s very selfless. I do like that, but I am really sure that he wishes I’d do the same for him more often. He’s always treating people well and I hardly hear him say anything mean about anybody.

He’s a great cook. I won’t lie. I let him do most of the cooking because most of what I can make is just simple American and Mexican foods. He’s always saying how good it is, but it feels like if I can only make a few things, I tend to make them over and over again and I don’t want to be boring. I made him Indian food one time, something I had never been comfortable with–making people food from their country–and he said he liked it. He’s quite good at making stuff out of the things we have already. If I can’t find something that I need, I just either go crazy or let him cook. I think he likes cooking, but I’m sure he doesn’t like doing it all the time. Plus, I love Indian food.

I think he’s a very cute and handsome guy. He doesn’t think so, but I think he is. I can pick things that I like about him. He’s got nice eyes (I’m not good with eye contact, so…). I like his nose too. He’s got a nice nose. He’s got really cute lips too. He has a really nice hairy chest too. He’s beautiful to me, but again, I don’t tell him as often as I should. He also looks so handsome in a business suit. 😉

He’s smart. He’s quite the intelligent guy. He’s good at what he does. He puts in a lot more effort into things that require a lot of thinking than I do. I never see myself as a really intelligent guy, but I know I’m not dumb either. I think if I actually talked to him, and if I were good with conversation, I would be amused for hours.

He’s very loving. It always makes me happy to have him give me any physical attention though I brush it off sometimes because I’m in the middle of doing something which happens a lot. I think that’s a terrible thing though. I probably should take more breaks to be affectionate.

He accepts me for my faults. I’m not romantic. I’m not always nice. I have bad skin. I have a really crooked smile with rings around my eyes. I get the hiccups every time I drink something with bubbles. I leave my clothes in piles on the floor. I don’t dress for success. I’m basically a slob. I talk constantly to a bird with the IQ of a peanut. I can’t cook well. He has a problem with a few of these things, but overall, he is okay with it. I know that it drives him crazy that I am happy throwing on a T-shirt and the same shorts I wore for the last two days. But still, he’s there beside me.

Those are just a few of the reasons why I am in love with this man and have been for almost two years now. He’s pretty awesome and I don’t give him much credit for that but I’m going to try to do better because I love him and though sometimes I have really bad days, I am still in love with him.

Hopefully, there will be more to this love story. I don’t want to mess this up by not being the decent boyfriend I can be. I haven’t done a great job for a while. I think I need to step up and try harder. He made that very clear over the weekend. I think I needed to hear that because I need him and I want him. He’s too much of a precious gem to let go of.

I still wish he’d get a haircut though.

Sorry, But Calling Me a Liberal Isn’t an Insult.

Welcome February! I had a really weak January as far as posts go, but sometimes that’s not such a bad thing. It means that I’ve been busy making things a little better for myself. After all, this is the year of improvement, and I have a few more years to improve myself before I reconsider moving back to the USA. The bad thing is that a major improvement hasn’t started, but the good thing is that I’ll get on that next week. Mid-year is when all the fun really begins. It’s a huge shame that I can’t (mostly won’t) reveal what it is here but it will push me towards being one of the best in the country.

The extra comma in the second bit bothers me, but oh well. I guess it’s better than the picture of the burning US passport I was going to post, right?

One of the things I haven’t really understood lately is how people think calling me a “liberal” is a bad thing. By the way, this is “liberal” in the USA sense. You know, the total opposite of conservative? The people who think I am a pot-smoking, pro-universal health caring, abortion-loving, gay-marrying, Muslim-loving, feminist-loving hippie? Yeah, them. These are the same people who managed to stick Americans with a terrible, racist president. These people are the same people who elect politicians who don’t understand the difference between church and state, and who come up with the most restrictive laws for people they totally don’t understand because they won’t take the time to actually talk to people who these dumb laws will affect.

You see, when you’re from and in Texas, any time you say or do something that isn’t Republican or isn’t “okay” in the eyes of God or Jesus, you’re labeled a liberal.

I won’t lie, my family is full of conservatives. I am pretty sure that my mom may have been, but I think she doesn’t care anymore. My dad was a Republican and he had convinced me to register as a Republican voter. It only took a little while for me to realize what they stood for, so I registered as a Democrat. I do believe that people should work hard and be able to look after themselves as much as they can, however, I believe that some people do need assistance sometimes. I think there should be a pathway out of these assistance programs where people do not rely on these assistance programs their whole lives. (For example, I think there should be a program to help the unemployed, but that should mean that the people who are able to work get assistance to find suitable work.) I believe that healthcare should be a universal right and I am happy to pay more to help support people who can’t afford it. I believe people should be able to marry a non-related adult of whoever they choose, regardless of gender. I believe that people of different ethnic backgrounds should be treated equally and with respect. I believe that laws should be made to apply to everyone, not just certain religions. I am quite harsh when it comes to immigration though, I’ll admit. I’ve been part of the immigration process to another country and after going through what I have had to go through to get here, I believe the procedures put in place to limit immigration to any country is just. I believe if people want to stay in a country, they should go through the same legal process as everyone else. I don’t believe that people who enter in a country illegally should be able to stay. I think they should be sent back to their home country and detained there. HOWEVER, I believe that taking refugees in from war-torn countries should be allowed. It’s the human and humane thing to do. I know it’s not always possible to do this risk-free security-wise. I do believe that if they come into a country, they should be located to an area which would benefit from a boost of population, for examples, towns where the population is shrinking and has a problem with underemployment. Abortion and euthanasia is a personal decision though from my perspective, I believe that counseling (not religious brainwashing) should be required or other options should be considered. I don’t think it’s appropriate for a woman to be forced to carry a child that is unwanted through a full pregnancy in the cases of rape or violence. I don’t think a woman should be forced to have a child if she (and her family) knows that the child will be a huge financial strain on the family. (This is the part where I don’t understand conservatives. They don’t want mothers to have abortions, but they don’t want to take any kind of responsibility for the child when it’s born. It’s more like “Oh well, shouldn’t have gotten raped or she should have prayed more.” I’m a bit biased on the gay marriage thing, but even if I was straight, who the hell cares? Other people getting married doesn’t affect me in any way–gay or straight. So see, I’m not as far liberal as people might think.

I guess if caring about people rather than money and business makes me a liberal, that’s fine. It’s certainly not an insult. It just shows that I put a lot more care into society as a whole with less religious restrictions.

I guess in a nutshell, this is why I don’t want to live in Texas anymore. The people who live there are mostly zealots who are too busy being angry at people who aren’t like them. If I go back, I’ll go to a more livable area where thinking outside the box isn’t looked down on. Bring on 2020. I’m so ready for it already after 2 weeks of one of the worst presidencies in US history. Elizabeth Warren and Bernie, I’m looking at you!

A Week Later…

I’ve tried posting here a few times this week but haven’t been successful. I’m still pondering whether I should keep doing this or not, but I’ll probably end up keeping this site/weblog because, well, it doesn’t hurt to have it in case I want to do something else with it. I don’t know what that would be though. I’m not sure.

I’ve taken a week’s break away from posting here and a few things have been happening:

“What you doin’, chicken?”

Pico is doing well. Lately he’s been a bit grouchier than usual for some reason and super loud in the mornings. I’ve noticed that he’s making new sounds lately. He doesn’t do it often, but I ask him “what you doin’?” about 100 times per day so he might be trying to mock that. He does it in a sequence of three. Cockatiels aren’t great talkers, so I’m not sure whether he’s attempting to talk or what. It’s fun to hear him though. I really like when he’s “chatty” but I could do without the ear-splitting noises in the mornings.

I’ve finally enrolled to upgrade my skills and of course, ever since then, I have been feeling my stomach going crazy. It is all connected to this anxiety I have that constantly builds up over the smallest things. I am excited to do it, but wish I wasn’t so nervous about it. I’m not sure what I can do to stop myself from being so tremulous. I really don’t want to go back to being medicated for my anxiety but I would honestly love to find something that works.

I’m obviously still really angry that we, as Americans, let this terrible man be president. I’m so sick and tired of looking at him. I’m tired of going to read the news and 9/10 articles are about him, and almost every single one of them is about how he’s pushing the USA more and more into the past. Same goes for Texas and its shit for brains politicians. What happened to having a leader that looks out for his or her people? Now the USA is being run by a guy who’s only interest is to help himself and his billionaire buddies. Sick.

I’m desperately trying to get an app done before I go back to study. That’s the main reason why I haven’t posted. It’s not because I’m sad, depressed, angry (okay, I am, but you just read about that), or anything like that. I am just way too busy and I’m not sure how I am going to be able to finish this thing myself. I’m kind of ignoring any requests to do anything from other clients and have been staying away from my friends until it’s done. This week coming up is my last free week for the next two years but I say that very loosely: though this upcoming week is “free” I still have a shit-tonne of work to be doing.

With that being said, I hope your 2017 is going well. I’m getting there. Though I just bitched about it, I am okay with how things are going but I’m already being run ragged. I can do this though. I will do this!

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Around this time of the year, I think about discontinuing my weblog. Every year, I say to myself, let’s see how the year goes as far as what I have to say, what I’m not saying, and how often. A few times, my posts here have caused some uncomfortable friction between other people and me.

I stopped checking my statistics daily years ago (though I find them really interesting). Every so often, I take a look at them. It’s interesting that my monthly views now are what I was getting in a day around ten years ago. What’s a bit sad is that a lot of the views now are done by me. (I have to look at my posts when I publish them to make sure they look good.)

I think there are a few things I can blame this all on. First of all, I’m no longer the young-looking, skinny, mostly hairless, 18-25 year old guy I used to be. People just aren’t interested in my life now that I’ve aged. My life has stopped being interesting. Secondly, documenting my romantic relationships has really lost most of its appeal. Next, Facebook has really taken out the need or appeal to visit weblogs or for people to have their personal websites. I also stopped “advertising” my website on other sites (mostly because they don’t exist anymore).

I’m always really torn whether I should continue this thing. In some ways, I would be really upset if I didn’t because as I’ve said a billion times, this is my very own therapy here. I come here and complain about a lot of things that are happening in my life. It has an unfortunate side effect of coming back to bite me on the ass though. I used to talk it out in the podcasts that I did, but I don’t see that ever coming back. The further away I get from that time-wise, the more at peace I am that I don’t bother with it anymore. Plus, so many other people did it way better. You know, they’d buy the equipment and do some editing.

I guess I’m at a standstill as far as what I want to do but I have another month to think about it. I have other websites that are purely work-related. That stuff keeps me quite busy and it looks like it’s going to keep me busier. So yeah, I’m not sure what to do with Idiologic, but if I let it go, I’ll announce it in about a month.

Work It

This is going to be a quick one before I head off to a meeting and then the gym. I actually haven’t been going very often to the gym lately, so I guess I’d make an attempt to go today. Why not, right? I’ve been paying for it but haven’t been going so I thought maybe I’d join the other 25 million people who start the gym in January only to give up by March. Since I’m going to be a whole lot busier and live an hour and a half away from where I am supposed to work and study, I think that I might have to approach things from a different angle. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to keep it up, but let’s put in an attempt, yeah?

J said he would go with me but a few problems have prevented him to do so. I’m pretty much on my own again. I can’t really fault him for not going because it’s medically related. I have yet to be with someone who likes being as active as I really want to be. I don’t like to go places by myself, but I guess that’s probably what it’s gonna take.

I probably should start getting ready to go. It might be a morning where I have to eat breakfast in the shower since I’m running late. (Yes, I actually eat in the shower sometimes, but not like bacon and eggs or a bowl of cereal. It’s usually something like fruit. I love fruit in the mornings.)

And so, my day begins like any other day. I can feel a big feeling of sadness and disappointment because of the upcoming inauguration. I am still in disbelief that a terrible person like that is going to become president. Thank Jesus, Baby Jesus, Nice God, and Not-So-Nice God for my Australian passport and citizenship!!! At least my documents say I’m not an American. My voice and accent? That’s completely different.

Anxiety Makes Me Busy

Buzz!!!

Usually when people don’t show their sorry faces around weblogs, it means that something exciting is happening. Or maybe they’re bored with it. Or maybe they’re bored with making people bored. If something like that works, then yeah, sure.

With all the changes that I’ve made happen, I’ve been busy trying to get things finished before I move to my next thing. As usual, I’m quite nervous about it. I usually seem to think that if I push myself to do things, I’ll eventually get over my general fear of the unknown. It doesn’t seem to work very well because almost every day I have an upset stomach. My personal relationships with people are starting to crumble. I don’t like that but I’m just getting extremely worn down from this unwarranted fear. It’s oddly disguised excitement, I guess you could say. I’m excited, but at the same time, I’m absolutely terrified. I want to be this great person, but so much anxiety comes into play. I hate it and want to do something about it, but my “cure” isn’t really a cure. It’s called taking medications that further ruin my kidneys and make me not care about anything. It basically turns me into a zombie. And I get fat. I’m not willing to go through that again.

As I write this, that bee looks so happy. He looks so carefree. I’m a bit jealous of this thing that’s not even real. I wish he’d blink his eyes or something though because his eyes must be really dry. Anyway…

That’s what’s happening with me. I don’t feel like I can truly rest right now. Something’s always sitting in my brain, stressing me out and what’s funny is that if I told you half of what I worry about, you’d think I’m insane!

I spend a lot of time worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet. My brain is occupied with “telling” me how bad I’m going to fail with everything. It likes to tell me what people are thinking about me whether it is right or wrong. I feel like maybe I set myself up for failure. I’m too old to let myself keep knocking me down. It’s easier said than done. I try to focus on the positives on a lot of things so I don’t get too down. I seem to do this a lot better/more when it’s giving advice to someone else though.

Having said that, I am pretty good at going into things with a positive attitude. Sure, I am nervous as hell and 8/10 times, my stomach’s ready to give me a hard time, but I think it’s good to start. A positive attitude is a requirement to any good day. If you focus on something terrible like how much you hate your job or how much you hate a person you have to unavoidably see, then you’re most likely going to have a really terrible day/time. Even though you hate it, you have to tell yourself that regardless how much you hate these things, you’re not going to let it bother you. That’s why no one really hears me complain about work. Coding, sure because it gets frustrating but I don’t hate it. I have to work with some really awful people, but I don’t hate what I do because of it. Hating is a waste of energy.

God, this post is so random. I probably should just stop while I can and get back to work. I needed the break anyway! And so, I’m off! Take care of yourselves. Thanks for reading/listening/whatever. (And see, I feel better after typing all this stuff out. It’s one of the reasons why this weblog exists.) (Not jealous about the carefree bee anymore. That’s progress, but I am hungry for honey now.)

Yes, I’m a Heliophobe

I think last night was one of the warmest nights this summer. Something about 31C/88F temperatures just isn’t conducive for sleeping. Naturally, I slept at 1 am and woke up around 7 am. The temperature tonight is supposed to be around 17F/63F so that’s a lot better. I’d like for it to be colder, but it’s summer so obviously that’s not going to happen. (Knowing the Melbourne area though, it’s not entirely impossible.)

Australia, I love you, but I hate the sun here.

I didn’t realize that this place I’m living in didn’t have an air conditioner until after I signed the lease for a year. I kind of thought that if I got one of those portable air conditioners, I’d be fine and I probably would be if I went out and bought one but I’ve been doing fine without one, so I will probably just wait out the summer.

This summer has been a bit disappointing here, speaking about the temperatures. There hasn’t been many good beach days so I haven’t really gone to any beaches. I’m also a little afraid to get out in the sun too. (One of the reasons I don’t like my picture to be taken is because I’m super, ghostly white. It’s one of the reasons I like naturally dark/darker skin. It makes me a bit jealous. White gay guys are jealous over things like that. Well, this white gay guy is.)

There are a few reasons why I don’t like the sun that much or haven’t been in the sun for long periods in 20 years.

  • I burn easily. The sun almost immediately cooks my skin and turns me as red as a lobster. This is usually due to me forgetting to apply sunscreen before I go out. A word of advice if you’re visiting Australia: Make buying sunscreen one of your first things you do! The sun here is brutal.
  • My first boyfriend, rest his soul, told me he didn’t want me to be darker, so I stayed out of the sun. It’s weird, the things you do to make people happy. He wanted me to be as pale as I could be because he said it looked better. He was Filipino-Norwegian and he was very pale in color too. I kinda noticed that the Filipinos I dated wanted me to be as white as possible. Strange, that. For some reason, some people have an idea that whiter is better. It’s not. Be proud and happy about what you look like! I guess it’s kind of stuck with me now for some reason.
  • My family members are skin cancer magnets. This is probably one of the biggest reasons that I don’t do bad things to my skin. Skin cancer can be genetic. (So are all the other things that I have a greater chance of having, like diabetes.)
  • I really hate the sun. Sun usually equals heat. I hate being hot. I hate being sweaty. I’d just rather not be out in it. My favorite weather is light rain (but even that gets old after a few days), cool, and overcast.

I said that I was heliophobic (which, if you haven’t gathered, is a fear of the sun) but that’s not really the case. I’m not a vampire (like my sister’s ex husband thought he was–moron). I am not overly scared to get out of it. I’m not going to cancel my plans to leave the house because it’s a sunny day outside. Well, okay, if it’s insufferably hot, I might do that. I just don’t like getting out in it.

That’s it for me. I’m trying to write more of these because it’s back to a study/work schedule for me in a few weeks.