Gay Money

I posted a pretty interesting question on Twitter yesterday that said:

...does the USA or Texas deserve my gay foreign money?

gaymoneySomething that you probably already know is that I, like 64% of Americans, hate the current direction of US politics. We have an ineffective leader who is more interested in keeping his own interests afloat and making those with the inability to distinguish the difference between church and state happy. We have a man who is too busy making himself look good rather than making our country look good in control, something that I never thought would happen. We have a man who claims to be a LGBT+ ally, yet disrespects people in our community every chance he gets.

One of the things I am most afraid of is planning my wedding there and some religious nut job getting his way where it can’t happen. He’s already attacking trans people and trying to dismantle my right to marry the man I love.

I don’t like this feeling. 

I’m rethinking whether I want to get married in Texas or not because I don’t agree with our hateful politicians. The services and goods I purchase there (plus the taxes I pay) go back to paying this never-ending cycle of hate. I don’t really want to be a part of that. It’s a bit sad because I wanted to do it locally for my family, but I am not confident in the USA (or Texas) anymore. I just don’t.

Why should I give more of my money to them if I can avoid it completely? (As a US citizen, I’m still required to pay tax on foreign earned income.)

I don’t see things getting better. I see them getting worse–a lot worse. So I’m going to back away with caution for now and either wait for marriage equality here in Australia, or jump across to New Zealand and do it there. Maybe then, I can go to the USA with some Oreos from here (proudly made in China) and have a cookies and water party.

I’d much rather spend money in a country that has laws protecting the people of my community. Though I can’t get married here, I still have more legal protections here than I would in the USA, simply because of who I love.

My Stuff, Delivered. Or Not.

Let me preface this by saying that I hate having anything delivered in Australia. There’s so much I can complain and bitch about right now. Late last week, I ordered some office furniture because my iMac is sitting on something that resembles a little cart you’d put a microwave on. It has wheels. It’s quite convenient, but I am a little afraid that I’ll wheel it somewhere and BAM, it will fall to the ground. It’s not something I really want to happen.

So yes, I ordered 3 desks knowing that I would be away from home most of the next week. I thought my stuff would arrive on Friday. Well, over the weekend I got an email saying that it was being prepared for shipping, so I thought they’d get to it on Tuesday or something. Well, no, they sent it from the warehouse on Monday morning. The warehouse is really close too, so they tried delivering it on Monday. That was okay, the worst they can do is leave one of those cards that say “WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?”. They tried again on Tuesday. I called them that day and said, that I wasn’t expecting it to be delivered so early and needed it delivered Friday. They said they made a note of it. Well, they tried to deliver it again on Wednesday so finally I said fuck it and came home to wait for them to drop it all off. So here I am.

During this process, I would check my orders with the company I bought it from online and discovered that my order wasn’t found in the system 90% of the time. My account said that I had no orders. I was worrying whether I’d ever see my furniture or not.

I am just pissed that these companies don’t really communicate with you. They tell you a week, and you expect a week, so you plan on leaving the area until then. I mean, if I were at home, that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. It would be nice to get your stuff early. Not this time. I get to sit around again waiting for it to show up.

So maybe tomorrow I’ll be assembling desks. Or maybe not. Who the hell knows what’s happening anymore?

KFC Ruins My Day Again

kfc-cartman

Screw you guys, I’m going home… and then getting KFC because I like to suffer.

The last few weeks were hectic and my last day of training (for now) has come and gone. Unfortunately, my last day didn’t go as well as I expected. You see, I have a certain love for a certain fast-food restaurant in Australia called KFC. Yes, that’s Kentucky Fried Chicken. It’s a really gross habit, but for some reason, I love it. To make matters even worse, it’s a 2 minute walk away from where I live, so there is really easy access. The night before, I decided that I was going to eat it knowing that sometimes it upsets my stomach. (I have a really sensitive stomach. I always have had one.) So I ended up filling my belly full of grease the night before and starting at 3 am, my gastrointestinal tract was in full payback mode. I was throwing up and on the toilet most of the morning. I didn’t have any cramps or fever, but my body was just rejecting what I ate the night before.

I got to my training place feeling completely drained (literally) and told someonee I wasn’t feeling that great. They asked me why and I told them what my morning was like and that I was really, really tired. They told me to leave, so I did. I spent my morning trying to get that under control, trying to book a doctor’s appointment nearby (my usual doctor is about an hour and a half away), and just running around. I wasn’t having any major problems at all. The doctor told me that I cannot go back for 24 hours, so that was that. I was really upset because the hours I miss, I have to make up.

Everybody at the place I went to thought I had gastroenteritis (some people call it a stomach flu) but I pretty much knew that it was just a mix of eating the wrong thing the night before and my anxiety of finally getting to the end of this part of my training. So yeah, I was pretty bummed out for the whole day and it carried over until today. My belly is okay but still a bit grumbly.

So yeah, it’s time for me to relax a little bit and start the long, boring process of getting my paperwork together and finally getting to use my new iMac. Guys, the resolution on this thing is simply incredible! It’s good to go back to Mac.

It’s good to be able to spend some time with my partner too, though I’ve been glued to this screen. He’s a good sport.

I still love you, KFC. Don’t worry, we’ll always be together. 5ever.

The Semi-Irregular July Update

It’s been a while since I sat down and wrote a post here, so I thought I’d write at least something while I have a few minutes of extra time. Quite a bit is happening around me at the moment which would explain my absence from my weblog (and other messengers). I’m just closing up the first part of my training to become better at my primary job. It’s actually nice to get back into it full-time again, but it’s really exhausting. I am also back to shift work which means that I go in tonight, leave, then wake up about 6 hours later to start the process all over again. Not fun, but it comes with the type of work I do, so I can’t complain too much.

People Person

I realised that I probably isolate myself from people a lot more than I should. I think working in IT will do that to a person, especially when they work for themselves and work from home. I would just attend a meeting or two per week, and then that was most of my social interaction. At the same time, my main career was on hold and ignored. I do like what I do, but I think sometimes my anxiety and social anxiety likes to take over at times and it just makes me panic a bit. I’m trying so hard to bust through it so I can live a life where my gut isn’t all messed up all the time, and I can be a bit more of a social person.

New Technology

To support my ongoing work in IT, I decided to get myself one of the 27 inch iMacs (the ones with the 5k display). I haven’t had much time to sit around and mess with it though which is really, really hard for me because I really love getting stuff in the mail, and better yet, I love opening boxes with new computer equipment. I think the first thing I did was install Steam and Starbound. I don’t even think that I bothered updating anything else after I opened it. There really wasn’t too many software updates since this computer is basically a month from being released.

So far, so good. It’s so much easier on my eyes.

I still have my 24 inch iMac sitting on the floor and feel a little sorry for it. He’s 10 years old this year and it still works really well despite having to replace the hard drive and a sometimes-malfunctioning graphics card. I don’t know what to do with it yet. I did sell it to my partner for $150 but it’s nice to have around. I used it for the whole day over the weekend and it was really well-behaved. It made me feel bad that I was replacing him, but 10 years is a really good run, wouldn’t you say?

Upcoming Vacation

My partner and I are heading off to Mornington Peninsula after my training completes. We haven’t had too much time together since he’s been back, so this will be good. I keep getting a little snippy with him because of my workload and the fact that I need to do about 12 things at one time. He’s been really good to me and he’s done a lot even though he’s still a bit sore from his surgery. He takes care of me very well but maybe it’s not working the other way around right now. I expect to get back into the groove of things once things calm down around here.


So for now, that’s it. I still have a while to go, so hopefully I can post sooner. There are a ton of things on my mind which have the unfortunate side effect of knowing not what to say when I have so much to say. It makes it really hard. A lot of those things are just emotions and thoughts about people in general and I guess a little bit about my mental health too. I think sometimes it’s good to get those things out in the open, but right now, I just need to stay calm and collect those thoughts for another day!

An Unfortunate Delay

I’m a little behind with posting at the moment but will be back later in the week. I’ve just been incredibly busy. 

I hope you’re well and you’re taking all your vitamins–not just the gummy ones. 

I’m okay. Like, I’m okay, seriously. 

Frustrated by Silence

One of the downfalls about what I do, workwise, is that I can’t really talk about it here. It frustrates me a bit because there’s a lot of work- and study-related stress in my life right now. That’s why I haven’t really been here, because I’ve had to write in a journal every day as part of it, so by the time I finish, I’m not interested in writing anything here.

What I will say is that people sometimes piss me off. GOD I really wish I could say more here, but ethically and legally, I can’t. I will say that if a family member moves 1000 km away to be closer to you, you should at least look after them when they need it.

I’m going to have to leave it at that because I really want to leave my work life out of this blog. I’ll post something more upbeat soon, I’m sure.

Me vs Assertiveness

For a while, I forgot that I had a weblog! Oops. It’s a good thing because something’s been on my mind lately. And before I start, this isn’t targeting one person, or one situation, but it definitely seems to happen over and over.

Basically, I have a really difficult time being assertive. I think that’s one of those traits that I got from my “sheltered” childhood and my mother’s personality.

When I have to say “no”, this is how it feels.

I have a really hard time telling people things that I know will potentially upset them. So, I end up sacrificing a lot of myself to make other people happy. When I decide to make a decision that goes against what other people want, I end up feeling like shit and it starts to preoccupy my mind in a really bad way.

For example, I’ve known for several months that I will have to do training from Monday to Friday this month for at least 8.5 hours a day. I’m also doing it about 3 km/1.9 miles from my place, so I don’t have to do my usual 160 km/ 100 mile traveling every day. Right now, I am working/studying about 20 hours a week, not including the 10 hours a week (or more) that I spend traveling. What I’ll be doing this month will be quite laborious. A lot of physical work so by the time the weekend comes around, I will, understandably, want to relax and do absolutely nothing.

I know that sounds awful, but I really require some time alone or I’ll go insane. Due to the nature of this training and being in the public, I’m not going to get very much of that.

My partner is also still in India and coming back in less than 10 days (and I haven’t seen him for months), so I need to get my place clean and ready for him. I have to do that over the weekend because it’s my only “free” time. So things are pretty full-on for a while.

So for past week or so, I’ve been re-emphasizing that I’m super busy. I can’t say that it’s easy and I still feel like crap that I can’t do things with and for people this month, but it is what it is. Like yesterday, I had to argue with my friend (for 2 hours) that I can’t help him move more than 1 day this week and why next weekend is off-limits. It was very painful and exhausting.

And see what I’ve done here? I feel like I’ve had to explain my reasons why I’m too busy for the next month! And even when I explain, no one believes me! This is what happens constantly. I end up feeling like a shit head because I am busy or need to look after myself during a time that is going to take me some time to adapt to. All I want is to do really well with my training, and to be able to spend time with my partner who I haven’t seen in a really long time. And this is temporary. It’s just a month-long craziness that I need to concentrate on and not have all this needless guilt in my head.

It’s so much easier said than done. I just lack assertiveness and I’m not sure how to get it without coming across as a total douche.

High School Reunion? No Thanks.

Can you believe it? My 20 year high school reunion is coming up next year. I’m actually shocked that it’s happening since the people in my graduating class are so incredibly lazy. (We didn’t have the usual reunions. I think our first one was like 12 years or something like that, and it was some kind of bumpkin hoedown that someone threw together in their back yard, I hear.)

You want to know something else? I don’t really care. I’m not going to go, even if I was next door to where it was being held.

Apparently, where I grew up, if you don’t look like this, it’s a reason for someone to be an asshole towards you.

Why, you ask? It wasn’t because I was bullied every day. There were maybe two or three people who would go out of their way to give me a hard time for, get this, being skinny. That wasn’t every day though. Some people picked up on the asexual/bisexual/gay thing, but no one gave me a hard time about it. Now, there were people who would get teased all the time, but I escaped that for the most part. My “problem” was that I kept to myself a lot. I enjoyed and enjoy my solitude. I had good friends, but they seemed to always be somewhere else at the time.

I don’t go to these things because my high school years were boring. My parents barely let me do anything. I stayed grounded about 95% of the time because I could barely get As and Bs. I’d always come home with a high C, and that was enough to ground me. If I did make As and Bs, then my parents would go out of their way to ground me a day or two later over something trivial. I’m not lying, I got grounded for six weeks for not picking up a sock in the floor. They just didn’t let me do anything. When I played soccer (which I loved, by the way), they’d look for excuses why I couldn’t keep playing. It was just boring.

My teenage years in a nutshell.

So basically, I didn’t have many friends then. I didn’t appreciate how incredibly stupid, racist, and bigoted people could be either. I didn’t smoke. I didn’t drink. I didn’t do any drugs. I didn’t sneak out of the house. I was actually a really good kid. I didn’t/couldn’t do anything so people just didn’t want to have much to do with me. So why would I bother talking to people who I haven’t talked to in over 20 years?

Why would I go to a place where people didn’t bother to try to get to know me? What are the chances that they’d even remember me? How would people react if I showed up with my same-sex partner who’s from a different part of the world? Yeah, I don’t want to risk that. I don’t think people would give him any problems and I would actually love to see the look on their faces. I’d also love to see people surprised that I’m with a man.

They hold these things at incredibly weird times of the year too so that people living in a 30 minute driving radius could make it. They ask me for my input and I basically say, every time, that I don’t go to the USA at other times of the year than November/December. It’s when a lot of people overseas go back home, but they can’t manage that.

And I will never go back home for something as dumb and insignificant as a reunion when I don’t like the area, didn’t like school, and didn’t like the people (except for a handful).

If people want to see me, they’ll have to catch me when I plan to be there, for the most important reason I even go back there: family and my extra special friends who I consider to be my family.

Freedom and Openness

How much freedom do I give my partner and past partners and what are my thoughts on open relationships?

This is a topic that I’ve tried to write about several other times before but haven’t been successful yet. That’s mostly because I didn’t want to come across looking like a total wanker or someone who enjoys being walked all over or someone who just puts up with anything.

Before I continue, if gay people having sex bothers you or you don’t want to know details, stop reading and go do something else.

Whoever dates me or becomes my partner is lucky because I rarely get jealous. I haven’t ever been a jealous person because, to me, that takes too much energy and time. I already get anxious about something simple like what’s for dinner tonight and stuff, so this would just add to my anxiety. I usually have a lot of trust where I assume my partner knows what’s right and wrong. I have the talk with him about if he’s unsure, think about if I did the same thing, would he be upset? That’s what I do now, and that’s probably why I cherish the relationship I’m in now more.

What am I okay with?

As long as my partner tells people up-front that he’s in a relationship, mostly everything is good. If he tells someone he’s single, then I would understandably get upset. This is one of the few things that would make me mad. Basically, he shouldn’t lie about his relationship status.

My partner and I still have personal profiles on sites and we link to each other when possible. Again, as long as he doesn’t pretend like I don’t exist, I’m good. (I do the same.)

I don’t mind if my partner meets other gay guys for dinner, catching up, going to the movies, clubs, and stuff like that. I don’t mind if these guys are exes, old friends, or new guys.

A kiss or touch isn’t really a big deal to me. It’s not something that I’m going to spend too long thinking about.

Sexually, I’ve been in open relationships most of my adult life. This kind of thing doesn’t surprise me anymore because it’s really common. With my current relationship though, I’ve moved away from that and I like having this guy to myself right now. Even if it was an open relationship, I don’t think I’d want to be told about it or asked about it every time. Honestly, it’s a bit of a turn on for me. With my ex, I used to ask him what he’s done and he’d tell me and well, it would lead to us having sex. (That relationship was mostly sexual anyway and we both knew this, so yeah.)

On the subject of open relationships, they work for some people (almost half of gay men have had an open relationship). For most people, I’d like to think, they don’t. That’s okay. Couples that mutually agree to opening their relationship to other sex partners are fine. It’s just when one person of the couple doesn’t know about it that the problem starts. It’s also a problem when deep feelings start to develop for someone (and they do, but I learned to ignore it).

At the end of the day, it’s up to my partner to do the right thing. I trust that he will do the right thing at the right time, especially this guy I’m with now.

My Gaming History: Scramble

I remember when I was a little kid, I’d go over to my grandparents’ house after my grandmother would go to garage sales and buy toys for me, my sister, and cousins. Every so often, she’d pick up some pretty cool things (things I wished I still had).

For some reason, today, I was thinking about one of those games that she got me one time and couldn’t remember what it was called. I knew that it was orange. I knew it was the 80’s. And I knew that it was about spaceships. I searched for all those things and finally came up with the TomyTronic Scramble tabletop game.

This is it, TomyTronic Scramble:

My favorite was when the batteries would start dying and it would do some really incredibly weird things. It would beep, and make a lot of crazy noises when the batteries were dying.

I always thought the missiles and oil tanks were clowns though. They just looked like clowns to me.

Anyway, I really miss going to my grandparents’ house. I miss being a kid sometimes. I kinda wished that I spent more time with my family in general, but you know how it is. Love called. I answered. I’m still here.