Cheap Shots?

Everybody who knows me and reads this weblog be like “What did you say about me?!”

One of the most bothersome things I have to deal with is when someone reads my weblog and then uses every little bit of information I put here against me in some way. I’ve had so many arguments with people because of things that I write here (and sometimes, the things I don’t put here).

Let me just say this, you’ve all read about my problems and you’ve seen that I don’t really process things the best way sometimes. I am told that I paint a picture of me doing no wrong, while everybody else irritates the piss out of me. The last time I checked, I’m really hard on myself. If you think the extent of the abuse of my self-esteem stops with this weblog, you’re incredibly wrong. Let’s just say that I nag myself constantly for not being this perfect person that I think I should be (because I feel like it’s what other people want). Yes, I’m still working through that.

I do say negative things about my partner sometimes. I tend to point out things that bother me, because being nice is, um, quite difficult for me to do. Who wants to read a personal journal that’s full of cupcakes, rainbows, unicorns, and smiley faces? No one does because that’s not how life works. I can’t think of anybody I know that has a perfect life. Shit falls apart all the time. People annoy me. I annoy myself. I annoy others. That’s just life.

Basically, my partner reads my weblog sometimes. He says that I go crazy with all the terrible things about him, which isn’t really that true. I’ve told him so many times that this is a therapy for me and without it, my brain would explode for suppressing all these feelings.

I’d rather type my feelings than talk about them and if it doesn’t have an audience, that’s fine. I don’t mind that. At least I’m psychologically punching a punching bag. I need that.

At times like that, I second guess keeping this thing. I probably could keep a private journal, but I think I feel a little better knowing that there are people like me out there who can read this and be like “This sounds like me.” and they don’t feel so different. I mean, with what happens in my head and the constant abuse I put myself through then see what I’m doing about it. I know, I lack a bit of the “what I’m doing about it” part. I’ve improved over the years. I’m a work in progress!

I guess what I’m saying is that if you’re going to read this and base everything about me based on my constant bitching about stuff on here, it’s probably not a good thing to do. My partner’s not that bad. He irritates me sometimes and likewise, I irritate him too. I know I do, but how do I write about the things that I personally irritate him with? I told him to start a weblog and take shots at me if he wants. I’ve offered to set him up with one, and if he really wanted to be an author on this thing, he’s free to do that too. I always wanted to do the collaborative thing.

Mmmmm… cupcakes.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!

May your 2018 be everything you hope for, full of nice surprises, love, prosperity, and magical weight loss coffee that doesn’t require you to watch what you eat or go to the gym! (Yeah, someone’s been peddling this crap on my Facebook lately: Today’s version of the snake oil man.)

I am going to continue my journey to better my career and hopefully do something about my recent weight gain before it gets to the point where I can’t do anything about it.

No one really knows what the future holds for us, but no matter what, we can make it good by focusing on the good things (as small as they might be) or we can can make it terrible by focusing on the horrible things that happen. We can always find some good in any situation even if we have to be really creative about it.

So, 2018, bring it on.

Edit: Oops. Meant to post this at 5 pm here so that it’s midnight in Texas.

Is it Fear of Commitment or Married Life?

Hi, weekend!

I’ve been spending time with friends in Melbourne because I don’t get much time to be social with them. Since I’ve moved, my time interacting with people over there have been quite limited. I met up with a friend of mine that I haven’t seen in a really long time and it was really nice. I was telling him about my upcoming plans for 2018 and how I’m supposed to get married mid-year.

Regardless of how sick I get that day, I’ll be there. (I’ve always had this really deep sadness for Miss Havisham. That lady got seriously mentally fucked by being left at the alter.)

He’s completing a degree in psychology, so it was pretty fun for him. He had me come by because he wasn’t sure if he was going to complete it or not and needed some feedback. After hearing about my “issues” he decided he’s going to finish it. I am a bit honoured but I’m also laughing at myself at the same time.

He said it appears that I get overly anxious when I talk about our wedding. I am, because I still don’t know what I’m doing, and the marriage thing is something that I want to do right the first time, and hopefully not have it fall apart. That’s the thing though, I feel like my relationships will fall apart. It’s not that they can fall apart, but they will fall apart, so I ask myself why should I do it or put a lot of effort into it? I am an odd one.

I think about 10 years ago, I accepted that something like this would never happen to me and my gay life was destined to be drifting from person to person (not in a slutty way though). The thought of being with someone who I love for the rest of my life appeals to me. I like that and I love this guy, of course. (It’s hard for me to say the word “love” to anybody, including my family, so that’s major.)

In so many ways I’m looking forward to it but in a few ways, I am dreading it. Some people who I know personally probably don’t believe this, but I absolutely hate being the centre of attention. It caused me a lot of grief when I even did my citizenship ceremony. It’s why I didn’t attend any of my graduations. It’s why I don’t do birthday parties. A wedding where I have several people looking at me? It has horror written all over it.

I have been getting really panicky about it. What’s more interesting is that it’s more than half a year away! I’m already dreading something that is so far away. This is what I deal with internally over just about everything. It makes me very tired, but it also makes me very sad. I haven’t been able to deal with this very well. I do make attempts to put myself in situations where I get what I consider unwanted attention. It is so hard to do, but I do it because I want this to get a bit better.

That’s why I get so anxious about it. I’m scared of the “ceremony” (EVEN if it’s just signing documents), not the results (the being married part).

I guess that’s what’s bothering me right now. A few times, I have just been on the very edge of really panicking. It’s really stopping things getting planned, I think.

I’m really not wanting to sound like some Tumblr drama queen or anything with 130+ problems. This is just something that I continuously struggle with. I hate it and shouldn’t focus on it, but it’s a real emotion that I think a lot of people struggle with.

So basically, it’s not a fear of commitment nor is it a fear of married life. It’s just the attention on the day–something I’m going to be thinking about constantly until it happens. I’m going to just try to deal with it though. He’s not going to be a jilted lover, meaning that I’m not going to show up. I’ll be there, but I’ll probably be barfing my guts up that morning. Some of the last words that my friend said that night was “Don’t you dare leave him at the alter or cancel at the last second.” That won’t happen. I do love the guy and I’ll work through the “pain” for him.

End of the Year Wrap-Up

Can you believe it? The year is almost done and 2018 is right around the corner. What a great time to make promises of stuff I’ll do, but probably break 2 weeks into the year? I’ve always been a big fan of making my goals so broad that they can definitely be accomplished, but rarely do I actually remember the checklist. My plans for 2017 included improving my main career branch, and I accomplished a lot. I’m quite proud of myself. 

What’s next year going to compromise of? Well, I have a lot going on next year. As many of you already know, the next year is when my wedding day will be. I actually have a date now which is good. It’s at a time when more of my partner’s family will be in Australia. Unfortunately, I know that it’s hard, if not impossible, for my friends and family to fly to Australia, so I am planning to do something special for them at the end of the year (assuming that my partner goes to the USA with me), or if that is too uncertain, I will just do an online thing (but still go to the USA at the end of the year, by myself). It’s not really what I want, but my partner’s year looks to be even busier and more expensive than mine. He’s starting new jobs, starting his PhD, and a few other things, so I’ll be a bit more understanding of his situation.

So when? I’ve added a countdown in the left column of my website. If you’re on a mobile device, it should be near the bottom.

The online stuff I am doing will be quite controlled, so if you know me well, and you want to see it, you’ll be able to request access to it when it becomes available. More about that later. (I’m building software that I need to do some testing for anyway.)

So what is my focus on next year? I think I just need to be better at my job. I want to be better, so I’m going to focus even more on what I want to do. I have some mental hurdles to jump over, but I have a bit more confidence that I can do it. That makes me feel a lot better knowing that I can do it. The training I’m going through at the moment is showing me that I can do a great job and connect better with people in a professional way.

I also need to love some of this gut fat. Over the past month or two, I’ve put on a lot of weight. Sometimes I think my partner likes to see that happen. I’ve been teasing him about his gut, but he seems to be content with it. Who knows. My gym membership needs reactivated, but will that really make me go back? (Hint: No.)

Merry Christmas to Everybody

I know I’ve said a dozen times that the holiday spirit isn’t something I do very well over here, but if you do the Christmas thing, I really hope that your holidays are full of love, blessings, Jesus, God, Santa Claus, unicorns, cheesecake, and all the other good stuff you like.

But anyway, Merry Christmas to you and your family. (I wouldn’t want to say “Happy Holidays” and get people’s panties in a knot.)

And no, I didn’t go outside and take the picture. It’s a picture of Christmas lanterns in The Philippines. I am not a Filipino (obviously), but I was in Manila one year right before Christmas and saw all the shops selling parol (Christmas lanterns) and it was really beautiful. Unfortunately, I don’t have any surviving photos of my trip there, so I “borrowed” this one. Sometimes, it’s really nice to see how excited Filipinos get about Christmas. I don’t know many here any

Communication is Key

I’m supposed to be doing stuff this morning, but as usual, my mornings are full of distractions (like my blog). I was talking to one of my best friends here yesterday, complaining about how flattened I feel, and just how exhausted I feel though I haven’t really done much to warrant that exhaustion. It’s a bit weird.

A lot of what’s bothering me is that the wedding’s happening next year. I tell people that I am a little apprehensive about it and really, I think that’s a normal thing. For every little argument that my partner and I have, I think “Gee, is this something I want to deal with later?” To me, the little arguments we have aren’t worth the fuss. It’s probably fair to say that I am very into the conflict avoidance thing. I just don’t see the point of wasting the time and energy arguing about things. I’m more about acknowledging what’s being argued about, compromising or admission that something isn’t right, then moving on. My partner, well, he’s argumentative. I’d really hate to say it, but he argues a lot with people but when he argues, his listening shuts off. It’s like he believes that the louder a person speaks, or the longer a person speaks, they will win the argument. I’m not so interested in the winning part. I’m basically interested in fixing problems part. He does come back after a while being more sensible but he really needs to just take the time, as soon as possible, to think things through and ask himself “Is this really worth it?” It takes a lot of energy dealing with this and lately, the energy wasted doesn’t even involve me! It’s with other people! He does this with other people, it’s not just me. He really needs to work on this because it’s extremely maddening and it’s not a good quality. To me, this is a major problem.

It sounds like I’m just having a go at him and complaining about it, but it’s more about communicating better. The communication can’t happen when the other person can’t get a word in, feels ignored, or feels like they’re not being listened to in the first place. Relationships aren’t perfect. I’m not perfect. He’s not perfect. I know all of this. Being able to communicate is important though, there’s no doubt about that.

We probably both need to work on communicating better. Don’t get me wrong, we do communicate but it’s just when he argues (with anybody), he shuts everything down and let his mouth run the show. I hope he’ll see that one day.

Holiday Spirit Struggles

Christmas in the summer makes me feel like decorating my tree like this. (My partner redid it…)

It’s getting closer to Christmas, and again, I don’t have that holiday spirit. Other than missing my family, I just don’t think much about Christmas in general. Summertime Christmases just aren’t my thing. It’s not especially hot around here or anything, but it’s just not here. If I had family around, it would probably be a bit different. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t even have a Christmas tree. I find it amusing that the only reason I have one is that my Hindu partner put one up in my house. Go figure that one out. I get a little more Christmas spirit in Australia around July which is a little incompatible with people here, so I get a bit down then. I’m sure people would put me in a mental institution for putting up a Christmas tree in July. Since I don’t get my Christmas in winters anymore, that’s when I’m planning my wedding events. (More on that at the beginning of the year.)

No amount of wrapped presents, food, or Christmas lights can change my feelings. If my family here, it would be better, but I’m sure I’d feel the same because of the heat.

I probably said all of this a billion times, actually. My birthday and Christmas in winter is a huge thing for me. I’m stubborn, so any deviation from that throws my brain off a bit. It doesn’t really hit me that it’s Christmastime here until everything closes for a week.

People are also assuming that I am in the USA right now for some reason. I guess it makes sense that I’d go back home, but I’ve noticed that going back home every year can get expensive and a little boring as well. Next year, my partner’s going with me and he’s never been. I’m a bit excited to show him redneck Christian country so he can understand why I am not that interested in living in that area anymore. It should be interesting to see how people react to him since there aren’t many South Asians there. It’ll be even more fun to explain that we’re married and that he doesn’t work at a convenience store. (Yeah, people hold on to racial stereotypes really badly there. They believe that all Asians are the same and work at the town’s Chinese buffet and there’s no chance they’ll be doctors, nurses, or anything else.) I don’t think it’ll be a huge problem though.

I’m a bit behind with my postings this month and there probably won’t be many. It’s just that time of the year. Nothing much is happening.

Nothing

I wrote stuff this week but didn’t post it. And here it is Saturday and I still don’t have much to say. I’m just a bit busy trying to get things done by Christmas, but it’s not looking very good.

I will say that I hate summer.

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well, and I’ll be back with some random thought in my head.

Perpetual Angst

Ah, what a lazy Sunday, or at least it’s supposed to be. I have to do some training stuff this week which I dread. That starts tomorrow. With just about everything new (not really new, just in a new place), my brain is working overtime and my stomach is in knots. My relaxing weekend wasn’t that relaxing and it passed really, really quick. I’m not even sure if I’m going to be able to sleep tonight, but I really hope so. I keep downplaying this anxiety, but it’s only working minimally. At any rate, I’ll do a good job.

The Scream by Edvard Munch, painted in 1893 (and my best friend’s favourite painting). Kinda how I feel in public sometimes.

The smallest, most insignificant things tend to stress me. When I was a kid, I swear to you I would have stomach aches almost every morning. I’d go to the school nurse who would just explain that I probably needed to use the toilet. I never went and I think that might have started my fear of public toilets. I don’t know. I just remember it being really annoying.

When I was older, it started happening almost every day of school. Then it hit me at college/university and threatened to stop me from going because it was getting so bad. It followed me into my work life where I take a lot of sick days because of that fear of the unknown. Sometimes I can ignore it and get on with my life, sometimes, I can’t and it’s really embarrassing when I’m somewhere and I’m shaking so bad and people start asking me why. I have to explain that I’m just really nervous and anxious. I hate that part of me. I hate not being able to write sometimes because I’m fogged over in this fear that I can’t explain. It really sucks.

Instead of focusing on that though, I have to say that I am doing better with it in a few ways. I am pushing myself to do more things, you know, like getting in front of people and talking. People tend to like my presentations and such because I make people laugh. I like that. What they don’t know though is how much will-power it takes to do it.

Last week, I had to get a blood serology done. I put it off for weeks because I absolutely hate getting blood drawn. I can’t stand it. My partner said he’d go with me the next week and I said okay. A few minutes later, I had a pep talk with myself and said to stop procrastinating. I went to do it a few minutes later. I still hated it and the decision to do it was exhausting, but hey, I did it… and I’m still alive.

I think I just need to go a little bit easier on myself because at the end of the day, I’m not a bad person. I don’t do anything illegal, I don’t be mean for the sake of being mean, and I don’t harm myself or anybody else. So I need to give myself credit for being someone who does good things. I just have that problem where I care for other people more than myself, and even then that goes very, very wrong.

So, yeah, I’d love to get rid of my anxieties and fears. I wish I could have enjoyed life without them because I want to do so much more and I’m regretful that I haven’t, but I can start now, am I right?

That’s what is in my head at the moment. I should look forward to tomorrow, being in a new environment and given a new set of problems to solve. I can do this. I will do this. I have to find a way to break the cycle.

Why Being Gay in Australia is Better than the USA

I don’t really intend to make this a weblog about marriage equality, but the excitement is still lingering for me and many other Australians. I was thinking about something though about being gay in the United States. The lawmakers in many states (and probably nationwide) are constantly thinking of many creative ways how they can make marriage equality a little less equal and etch discrimination into the laws to make it a lot less meaningful. They essentially think like “well, we have to live with it, but let’s make it as hard as possible for them, so we can still believe that our marriages are still superior”. So, you have all these lawmakers scrambling to allow states to remove benefits for same-sex couples and how to make it harder to get weddings done. I’ve already explained my stance on that, which is basically if someone isn’t going to put their whole heart and energy into my plans (because of who I’m with) then someone else will. Again, let me iterate that I don’t think that’s nice and under most circumstances, it shouldn’t be legal to withhold products and services from someone just because you don’t like them or agree with them.

Anyway, the point of this is that here in Australia, I don’t think I will be seeing much of the “waaaaah, I have to bake cookies for a newlywed gay couple” stuff like there is in the USA. But, I’ve also told many, many, many people here that whether they realise it or not, the USA (its people and laws) is deeply entrenched in religion. You don’t really see that until you’re American and go somewhere else that 100% guarantees freedom from religion (which I think is GREAT). (Even during Christmas, may I add: no one is whining about red cups. No one is bitching about people saying Happy Christmas or Happy Holidays. Do you know why? Because people have better things to do.) Also, people in the USA, or at least where I am originally from, are really eager to gag and choke others with their religion.

You can understand why it’s so difficult for me to want to go and live in the USA where a few years later, people still aren’t over the fact that people of the same sex can marry. The laws that the state governments and federal government make or change proves that. I don’t need to have my feet on US soil to see that. I hear it directly from people, not from “fake news” websites. It’s really sad.

Australia’s discrimination laws are so much better than the USA. You can’t do half of what some of the states in the USA can get away with. No one gives two shits about trans people using restrooms (tee-hee). No one can discriminate, COUNTRY-WIDE, based on sexual preference, gender identity, religion, etc. It’s all been law basically since I’ve been here. That’s because people don’t get their knickers in a twist. That’s why I love Australia. The marriage equality, which is law now, meaning people could get married today if they could, is just the icing on the gay cake baked by someone who doesn’t care who they bake a cake for. It’s just another reason why I love my adopted country like I do and always will.

I do think that there will be some “protections” happening in Australia at some point, but at least the government is actually looking into how things stand at the moment or in the distant future before any of those “protections” become law. (Discriminatory laws DO NOT AND WILL NOT PASS here, Americans.)

It’s kind of hilarious because people think I have this real hatred towards the USA. I’m always making points why life is so much better over here than here, but seriously, it is a great place to live and I’m honestly a lot more happier here, but home is where my family is and I don’t hate it. I dislike quite a few things about it right now, but when I have a chance to move back, I will. (I really wish I could just move everybody here.) The USA has given me a lot of great opportunities in the past and it was all I knew until I first came here. I’ve seen the other side of the fence and love it, that’s all. I wish the USA was more progressive and really wish that people would stop latching on to all their fears to vote in inexperienced, weak leaders who want to spend more time telling people what they can’t do to make themselves feel better. Oh well, hopefully one day people there will wake up.