This is one of those mornings that it’s hard to start. I would normally be tempted to take the day off, but hooray for me, I have a doctor’s appointment (for immunization boosters and a flu shot) in a few hours which takes me a few hours to travel to, so I guess that’s what I’m going to do. It’s also right next to the place where I study, so I guess I’m going to pull myself up and go to both.
I’m lucky to be in a country where Easter is a 4 day thing (and a big deal), so I have a long weekend to look forward to and my regularly scheduled day off is tomorrow, so not a bad deal right? I mean, I might as well “get off my ass and on my feet”, as my dad used to say when he’d attempt to wake me up in the mornings.
This one is going to be shorter than usually because I’ll have to leave soon. Sorry for the last weird post. I feel a bit weird posting something like that but I guess it’s one of those things about sharing things about my personal life, right? It’s not why I’m gay, by the way. I am just who I am.
Is it just me, or does every family have that creepy family member who, I don’t know, as a kid kinda made you sick to your stomach? Mine was my uncle on my dad’s side. He isn’t blood-related though. It was a match made in marriage.
Now, let me say first, because it’s a little important that this is an uncle who is very vocal against me being gay, living in a different country, and eventually marrying someone of the same sex. The last time I heard him talk about “the queer in the family” was at an aunt’s funeral. Yes, he said that at a funeral. I choose not to talk to him anymore, and to his wife for not speaking up about her brother’s son.
Yesterday, I was wasting time and watching YouTube videos and for some reason, a two-part episode of Diff’rent Strokes about the bicycle man and the overall grossness of pedophilia. This is kind of weird because I didn’t watch that show (I was too young) and Gary Coleman always irritated the piss out of me. Anyway, as I watched it, I noticed that the pedophile had quite a lot in common with my uncle. I’ve known for a long time that my uncle is a gross-ass fuck because of the sick shit he used to tell my sister. He basically told her that he’d fuck her if she wasn’t his niece. Yeah… We hardly stayed over there after that.
For some unknown reason, he made it a point to have chats about sex with us. I mean, most of it was just the birds and the bees kind of stuff (as far as I can remember) but I distinctly remember him telling me that if I stick my penis anywhere besides a vagina, it’s called “queer man sex”. I also lied and said that I have done it–with a girl when I was like 14 or something like that so I wouldn’t look lame. Though I didn’t have sex with a girl (came close a lot of times, but didn’t), I didn’t do anything sexually until I was 19. He was always curious about how often I rubbed one out and junk.
What was creepy though is that this man would act creepy all the time. He might have thought I was gay, but he had no problem catching me in the pool, grabbing my swimming trunks, and throwing them outside the pool to make me get them. He would kinda just lean on the side of the pool and watch. God knows what he was doing over there and in fact, I didn’t know. He did that to me and some cousins of mine. The other cousins told their mom what a creep he was and they never went over there again overnight.
When he’d get out of the pool, he’d walk around with his dick tucked between his legs, again, not something you’d do in front of a 13 or 14 year old, especially one that you’re related to.
There were other things that he’d say or do that were pretty gross too, but I can’t remember what it was. Whatever he said (and says, I hear) is totally inappropriate and usually disgusting. I didn’t see him on my last 3 month trip to Texas, and I’m totally okay with that. I love my aunt, but I think she knows and knew what he was like but ignored it. I really feel sorry for his kids growing up because even one of them said some really fucked up things too which I won’t go into here since one of them is lawyer now.
Growing up and with my sister having kids of her own, I would never, ever, EVER want them to be put in any situation like that. You know, I didn’t want them to get to that point where they hate their uncle because of what a sick fuck he is. Kids shouldn’t be treated that way. No one, especially my sister, shouldn’t have to go through that kind of thing and in hindsight, I wished that my sister and I would have spoken up to our parents and police about it. We eventually told our parents about it much later which made them both hate my uncle even more and even to this day.
My childhood was a calm one except for this. I did like going over there before I became wiser because it was always a lot of fun being able to do whatever I wanted, but still…
I didn’t want to write about this just for attention or anything, but just looking back, there are a few things I wished I would have done to prevent the sick stuff that would happen. I can’t remember if anything more disgusting happened, but I don’t think it did. That’s not me trying to block it out, but I honestly don’t think he went that far. I think he probably could have, but he didn’t, thank God. Still, when you’re pulling swimming trunks off a boy and throwing them out, and being told to go get them, what the hell am I supposed to think???
I know I linked to the video above, but here it is embedded:
In the closest men’s restroom at the place where I spend my weekdays (aka work and study), it seems like the men like to spit their gum into the urinals. There are three of them and today, one was blocked and almost running over with piss (because for some reason, that doesn’t stop a guy from pissing somewhere and everywhere.) So, that wasn’t very fun for someone who hates walking in there. There were about 10 pieces of gum floating around in it, and the other two urinals had about 5 pieces of gum in each.
I don’t really understand why guys feel like they have to spit their gum in there. What happened to putting it on some paper and throwing it in the rubbish bin?
“Chewing gum is gross; chewing gum I hate the most.” Looking at this makes me want to puke.
In case you’re wondering, the thought of gum makes me sick too. Chewing it so that it just gathers spit and all the gunk from your teeth. I don’t like it and never have. I was a chronic gum swallower when I was a kid, and I still am to a much lesser extent. That might explain why my gut is so messed up now, now that I think about it.
Men’s restrooms are just gross. No one can aim–most of the piss is on the floor or wall. No one can flush the toilets after taking a dump. No one can find a better place for their chewed up gum. If you’re a woman and ever wanted to just see what it’s like, don’t. It smells disgusting. That’s because it IS disgusting. Men are disgusting creatures with terrible aim.
That picture of the gum is disgusting. I can’t even look at it.
Isn’t it amazing how certain smells can trigger certain memories?
When I pass by loaves of raisin bread, it takes me back to when I first moved to Melbourne. My ex knew how much I liked raisin bread, so my house constantly smelled like raisin bread. I think those were some of the happier times.
Wedding Day Candle
As strange as it sounds, there’s a candle that reminds me of my mom. I’m not sure if it’s the perfume she’d wear in the mornings, but it reminds me of her. I actually took the candle that I got from here and brought it over there. I’ve always been a momma’s boy and one of my biggest fears is something is going to happen to her while I am over here. It’s very unnerving. Originally, I thought the candle was something called “clean cotton” and was about to say that it’s probably because she always washed my clothes. But what’s funny is that she still does it when I go visit her. I miss my mom a lot.
My Grandfather’s Cologne
What’s a little more sad is that I have the cologne that I sprayed on my grandfather at the hospital before he passed away. It’s called Xeryus Rouge and every so often, I just smell it from the bottle. It kinda kicks my memories awake a bit. As odd as it sounds, it’s not the memory of him being in the hospital, but just him in general. It reminds me of what a hard worker he was and how he was always helping people. He was just a generally good guy.
Melon and Cucumbers
Then there is the smell of melon or cucumber that instantly triggers a gag reflex because of how much Midori I used to drink straight out of the bottle. In fact, a lot of alcohol makes me feel that way because I am a lightweight. Ask anybody who’s been unfortunate enough to witness my drunken antics!
My mom learned that making muffins for me in the mornings made my day at least 78% better. In the mornings, even when I go to Texas for a visit, she makes me apple muffins. What was nice is that she would make them for me in the morning before she left for work. Her mornings were always so busy, but she’d make time to cook me some of my most favorite breakfast foods. The smell of muffins reminds me of my mom and how the little things she did really made me happy.
Vanilla makes me think back when I first moved out of my parents’ house because every single thing I had was vanilla. Vanilla shampoo, conditioner, room deodorizers, carpet cleaning dust, all of it was vanilla. I don’t know whether that time of my life was the best, but it was pretty fun at times. The smell of vanilla now makes me miss my best friend in Texas.
Smoked meats reminds me of my dad. My dad really loved grilling and looking back, I really wish that I paid more attention to him when he was trying to make me a little more masculine. His BBQ was always really good and I have to admit that I really miss his cooking at times. No one has been able to replicate that. I always loved when he would tell me to get the stuff to make smoked chicken. Mmm.
I’m realizing that it’s making me a little sad to even talk about some of these things, so I’ll go for now.
And here we all thought that I was going to type something gross, right? 😉
Sorry for the lack of updates lately on anything “meaningful”. I’ve been a bit busy and my gut is doing some really nonsensical things as well. I’ve been blessed with a really sensitive stomach and I can’t tell you how many times that I say, sometimes aloud, that I wish I could just sell my gastrointestinal track on eBay or something or trade it for something that actually works.
Then, all through my childhood and adolescence, I had the exact same problem. Most mornings, I’d have a big pain in the gut almost every single day. Fast forward to my adult life, and it still happens. Except now it gets really, really bad before job interviews or meetings in general. Hell, it happens even before I go to work, a lot. I take a lot of medicines just to keep it calmed down so I don’t have to live sitting on the toilet. I try not to take that much medication, but finally bit the bullet and talked to my doctor today who gave me a prescription for a medication for irritable bowel syndrome. Hopefully that will quash it when I need it. However, if it doesn’t work, I’m supposed to go back and try something else because I can’t live my life everyday with a stressed stomach. I’m pretty upset that I’ve gone this far without doing something about it.
I honestly think that I let stress get to me so that’s why it happens. Stress though, for me, is what most people take for granted. I can totally stress myself out over the most trivial things like what I’ll have for breakfast the next morning or the possibility of me being late to ANYTHING. It doesn’t matter what it is, even if there’s like a 0.03% chance of it happening.
Totally not me. I don’t wear a tie unless I’m forced to.
You can imagine what I am like before blood test results. Hell, you can imagine what I’m like after I get blood taken and have to WAIT for those results. It’s really irritating. (It’s even worse when the doctor’s office loses those blood test results, like what happened today.)
Good news is that my HIV check was clear. There was actually no reason for me to worry about that, but of course I stressed myself overthinking that. (Even with my first test when I had never had sex, I stressed over it. Of course, I told the doctor that I liked men so that automatically warranted an HIV check, even though I told him I liked men, but didn’t have sex. He did tell me thanks for telling him that. And I was like, yeah sure. I’ve always been totally honest and upfront with my doctors.)
And so, over a day or two, my little project has progressed. It’s working but haven’t merged it yet. There are a few user interface things that I need to work on.
I’ve also decided that once I get it working with WordPress, I’m (hopefully) going to make it into a mental health tool.
It’s coming along. Obviously, it’s not called MoodOS. It was the first thing that popped into my head. That’s also not what it’s going to “be” either. Cut me some slack!
As some of you may know, I’m very passionate about mental health. It’s always been hard for me to communicate certain things about myself to other people, especially about how I may be feeling. Honestly, I hide my overall mental health from people closest to me: my mother, my sister, my partner, and my closest friends. It’s not that I don’t trust them, but I just don’t want them to worry about me but at the same time, I don’t want to get myself backed down into a hole where it’s really hard to get out.
As I’ve explained before, one of the biggest reasons I’ve started this project is because I want to keep a close watch on my mood and my general well-being. I want to see whether I am improving, or if I need a little extra help from someone, whether it’s from a health professional or from someone close to me. I want to see visually how my ups and downs are going, because I couldn’t really tell you how I was feeling 2 months ago, let alone 2 weeks ago. I can barely remember how I was feeling 2 days ago!
I am quite stubborn. I got that from my father. I find it really hard to openly discuss things with people I know because I don’t want to worry them. I don’t want to bore them. I don’t want to seem like I’m overly dramatic. Though some people have assured me that I can speak to them when I need to, it’s super hard to make that first step.
Now, how does this all fall together? I think that it’s nice to have something, an app possibly, to record these moods and feelings and analyze them and make little suggestions like “It might be a good time to have a chat with someone.” There’s a list of people who you consider your closest friends and family that can be pushed a little intro message of some sort. Not a super serious message, but something to push for communication. Something that says “I’d really like to have a chat about what’s going on lately.” Of course, nothing would get sent without the OK to do it. It can suggest places to go to get more help, if it’s needed. Something informational. Something where you can just open up the communication lines with someone, no matter who it is.
Sure, it’s even hard to start that very first step even: to download an app or sign up for a service. I don’t expect to be able to reach everybody who I would love to reach, but it’s a start.
This is just the beginning though. I’m going to have a chat with a few health professionals in the next week to see if it’s feasible to do and if there is a real need. Of course, to be funded would be great, but I’m not expecting that right now.
I am still going to develop it and use it for myself because I really like the thought of me being totally open and honest. I’ve gotten the databases and a lot of code already done, and it’s running (except I need to make the widget match my site). The pic I’ve included here is just the very start of it. No, it’s not chatting. It looks like it, but it’s kinda grabbing from my chat styling.
Unnamed, self-controlled Twitter clone that may morph into a mental health tool. More research needs done! (Ignore the updates. They’re not real, of course. No new chickens here. Added trivia: I call my cockatiel a “chicken”.)
Yesterday, a project I’m working on for my weblog, took up most of my time. I spent most of it uploading files and installing server software, only to realize that I didn’t even really need it. At least I got a bit of coding done.
So what is it? I don’t know if any of you remember it or not, but there was a big thing about people posting their mood on the internet, you know, whether they were sad, happy, confused, or other emotions like that. It was simply a face with a word next to it. I used a service called imood to change my mood.
You can post your own or see how the internet’s mood is in general. Right now it’s feeling . So that’s about it. I also had a friend who made his own little system like this a while back and it was pretty good too.
One of the things I didn’t like is that I could feel a certain way, but couldn’t really elaborate on it and as far as I knew, I didn’t have a history of how I am feeling. I kind of like statistics and how my mood fluctuates over time and show it as a graph or something like that. Some of it is done. I’m using emoticons from Emoji One.
I don’t know whether it’s necessary or not, but I’m building it for myself and I’ll be posting the result here. Additionally, if I do a good enough job, I’m going to try to make a WordPress plug-in. We will see how it goes.
And yes, I’m fully capable of doing it. This isn’t one of those things where I say something like “Surfing? Looks easy. I can do that.” I can actually do it. Since my audience here is quite small, I don’t really expect people to find out about it through here.
Again, this is another thing I’m going to make so I can control it, post whatever, and maintain it however I want. If other people see value in it, that’s a bonus.
It’s unnamed right now. I’ll have to think about that.
“Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, but socially dead.” — Moral #5, Animaniacs
For some reason, it seems like I do so much better when I wake up early in the mornings. That has the unfortunate side effect of not being able to sleep late when I can. My parents were always going to sleep early and waking up very, very early. I actually used that to my advantage during the summer months when I didn’t have to go to school. I’d be awake by the time my mom woke up, and once I heard her car leave, I’d get up and watch cartoons or play games. To me, it always felt like I was getting a lot more out of my summer vacation that way. It had that slight side effect of wanting to go to bed early though, but that was fine. I learned pretty early that if you are noisy at night, my dad would wake me up even EARLIER and force me to stay up. That’s when I hated it.
I think I just hate/hated having someone else wake me up!
These days, J and I have really weird sleeping schedules. I try to go to sleep around 10:00 to 10:30 but since he doesn’t go to sleep sometimes until around 2:00 am, I end up going to sleep, but not getting enough rest, if that makes sense. Then all I hear is clicking of the keyboard on his phone, and I see the light from it and it takes all my willpower not to say “You do know that I have to wake up in 2 hours, right?” He’s always been that way. He likes sleeping late and waking up late. I like going to sleep earlier and waking up early. Even on my days off, I wake up a bit early. Not 4:00 am early, but about 2 or 3 hours later.
I don’t even attempt to wake him up before 10:00 am anymore. As for me, if I sleep after 10:00 am, I feel like I’ve wasted the entire day. Probably psychological, but hey, it’s kinda stuck with me over the years. I use it as an excuse to be lazy!
Do you have those days where you’re afraid to move because you have a feeling that everything that can go wrong will go wrong? That’s the best explanation of my day so far.
I woke up this morning (at 4 am) with a bit of stomach pain so I was like well, what the heck, I can fix this. I took some medicine for stomach cramps, drank peppermint tea, and took peppermint oil capsules just so it would stop. It was still nagging by the time I left. So I walked to the train station, which takes me about 20 minutes, got on the train and sat down.
Stomach continued to give me trouble.
I got to the next station and told myself that it’s not too late to go back now. I could still make it back home without much effort. No, can’t do that because I have important stuff to do and it really wasn’t that bad. The train arrived to the next station and my gut was bothering me even more. Fabulous. I think I was starting to look pretty terrible because a lady kept looking at me. Finally, I got to the point where I couldn’t handle it anymore and…
…went to the restroom. The restroom on the train.
Anybody who knows me knows that I have a really big fear of public toilets. Like, I would rather explode than sit on a toilet. But it was either travel for the next hour smelling like shit (either way), or stink up the restroom. My mind was racing and I just had to put that aside because, yeah, it wasn’t going to wait.
I pretty much spent the whole morning on the toilet–on a public toilet. I still feel incredibly violated. Scarred for life. But most of all, I felt very dirty. I still feel dirty.
Because my immunisations and blood tests need a little bit of love, I thought I’d pass the doctor’s office and get a blood serology to see what exactly immunisations I need. She said – oh, we can do this today if you want. I was like, um, I’m a bit busy this morning. She suggested the afternoon. So, I said yes. Right now I am waiting for that.
So I haven’t really eaten much and I feel dehydrated still after drinking a bottle of water. I’m not really in a mood to be poked with needles, not that I ever am in the mood, but it has to be done. After this, I am going back home and I’m crawling into bed. J had a super early morning too (but I had to wake up earlier). Maybe I’ll have some company by the time I get back.
So that’s my shitty morning and I’m afraid to see what the rest of the day has planned for me. I really wish now that I didn’t live an hour and a half away from where I have to work and study. I’m just too tired to deal with it today.
Oh, and by the way, I not only stunk up one restroom, I stunk up two of them. That’s okay though because it was worth it.