If you haven’t looked at my “About Ben” page yet or in a long time, there’s something new on there. If you don’t want to go check it out, then that’s really fine. No problem because I’m going to have a little chat about that now. Basically, I’ve been holding a secret for a long time and I’m ready to write something about it here. (Of course, if you prefer the tl;dr approach, just read my profile page.)

The tl;dr version of it is that I am engaged and have been for over a year.

It happened while I was in the USA and it was on Valentine’s Day in the USA (so it was 15 Feb 2016 here). It was also 9 months after we started dating. To me, at the time, that was a bit quick and I was also quite scared at the prospect that I would be a married man eventually. I believe that once it happens, it’s final. I don’t want to be one of those people who gets married and then divorces four times over the course of my life if it’s not really that necessary. So it was a major thing and I had to think about it for a day or so. (We had talked about it from the beginning saying that it was something we both were looking for in a partner.)

Eventually, I said “yes” and we moved in together permanently. I met his family here in Australia and I met his mother when she came to Australia. They’re all really nice to me and from what I gather, they like me. J and I have some rough spots sometimes and I know he talks to them, but hopefully it’s not all bad.

Since same-sex marriage here isn’t legal yet, we talked about going to New Zealand to do it, where it is legal. Then I said “Hey, let’s go to Hawaii instead.” From there, I asked myself why I would go to the USA like that and not go closer to my hometown where my friends and family could go. So, I decided that’s what I would do. I planned to do that at the end of this year, but then started another course of study. Then, I settled at the end of next year, 2018.

To me, that’s kind of putting a bit of a buffer period between engagement and marriage, something I think, psychologically, I need. That would give my partner some time to run away screaming at some point if he wanted to. Indirectly, that applied to me too! It also gives me time to plan something nice when I go there. Also, I’d love for my family to be involved too.

I don’t expect and never expected something extravagant because I feel like that money can be put to better use. I’m not a huge fan of big weddings. My idea is just to do it, get it done, and then have fun with everybody afterwards. Obviously, I’m not interested in going into a church of any kind to do it because religion doesn’t play an important part of my life and I wouldn’t want anybody to catch the gay. I’m just kidding about that. There are religious people out there who are kind and who don’t self-destruct over two people of the same sex getting married.

I see those nice marriage ceremonies with people dressed up in traditional Indian clothes and I’d love to do that, but I will have my chance! Ha ha.

Yes, it was a very quick engagement which I think a lot of people didn’t understand. The way that I think about it is that if other people in other cultures can meet and be married in a month (then have totally happy lives together), then I think I can do this. I am happy with this guy. Sure, I bitch and complain about him sometimes and getting used to his culture is taking time, but all in all, I am happy and I’m happy being with him.

And so with that, my secret is out. Now, I just have to hope that Trump doesn’t fuck everybody over. Here’s hoping for the best! 🙂

No Longer Needed?

What I want to write about today is a perfect reason why I didn’t kill off my weblog, or why I have one in the first place.

I’m frustrated. I’m extremely frustrated.


It’s a long story, but I’m going to tell you the short version of it. For quite a while, I have been working on what’s considered as a major IT project, alone. I wasn’t being paid for the work I was doing because I said that I would keep 49% of the project since it was something that I believed would generate monthly income for me. I think that was pretty generous. I put a huge amount of time, energy, and money into getting it operational and a few times, the project had become stalled. I worked on it anyway because I wanted it to work. That’s fine. I didn’t mind that.

Time has passed and the project is being passed around and is probably going to be sold today. Unfortunately, it’s the concept itself and not the software. I was told over the weekend to stop working on it immediately. I went to a meeting with the feeling that I am just an extra person that no one knows what to do with anymore since the company wanted his own developers to write the software. I left pissed off. Then the other person working on it talked to someone else about selling the concept to someone else. I became even more pissed off about that.

I know that I am not a founder, so it’s really not up to me. He’s not a businessperson and I have offered to bring someone onboard who knows what he’s doing, but that didn’t work. Though I’ve done a lot of extensive work on this stuff and have been around since the beginning, I am not consulted on anything, and I’m not being consulted on IT matters anymore.

I’m just mad and will probably bring it up next time, but have to wait until after a meeting today (one that I am not going to).

Oh well, I’m just going to have to get over it, I guess. The uncertainty is exactly what has caused me to focus more on my previous career. It’s not sitting in front of a computer all the time at least. 🙂

Right? Right. It’s just going to take time for me to get rid of this rage. This is probably the first step in doing just that!

Hello, Again

Isn’t it frustrating when someone says they’re going away, but ends up not actually going away? Or maybe it’s a pleasant surprise?

Well there are a few reasons why I’m back:

I need to vent and I need to vent in a place where I am in control of the content. I know that I can post anything I want here (and really, I don’t have the problem of wanting to say things that are illegal). You see, I am the ultimate moderator of what gets published and kept here. I have no “boss”. I don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing and have someone report it. It’s free speech really, and thankfully my web host really likes free speech.

As I’ve said before, I use my weblog as a “free” type of therapy. By nature, I’m not outgoing and I don’t like to open up to people about the problems that  I have. For some reason, I see that as weak. I’ve really tried to change my mindset but it’s difficult. I don’t write for attention. Well, okay, a little bit of attention is fine, but I don’t expect a ton of sympathy for anything. I see it as maybe the things that I post will help people think about their own situation. That’s why I would post things about my mental state and things, so hopefully people will see it and say “You know what? I feel the same way. I’m not alone.” Mental health is something very close and important to me.

My domain registration was about to expire and I knew I wasn’t going to let it expire, so why have a domain name if I’m not going to use it, right? All of my usernames match this domain name. Why let them go to waste. I hope this makes sense. 😉

I feel a bit stupid because I said “Goodbye” only to come back a few days later. Apparently, I didn’t think things over very well. I do know that my partner told me a week or two again that he’s going to stop reading what I type here because the sweet stuff isn’t any good if I don’t act. He’s right about that. It was one of the reasons why I wanted to stop, so I can communicate with him a little more. Do you remember what I wrote up there about having a hard time to open up to people how I feel? Yeah, I thought by quitting this weblog, I might be able to talk to him more and share my feelings. For the last 20 years, people have been wanting me to do that and it hasn’t happened yet.

I didn’t say that I was leaving for attention or to mislead anybody. I really had intentions of stopping and just going to Twitter or something. I can’t limit my online chatter to 140 letters. I also really hate when people post 8 Twitter updates in a row.

So here I am again. No more threats. I promise. Maybe a few more breaks from posting though when I’m super busy. I’ve lived my life in blog form too long. It’s harder to say goodbye than I thought (or think) it is.