No Longer Needed?

What I want to write about today is a perfect reason why I didn’t kill off my weblog, or why I have one in the first place.

I’m frustrated. I’m extremely frustrated.

code

It’s a long story, but I’m going to tell you the short version of it. For quite a while, I have been working on what’s considered as a major IT project, alone. I wasn’t being paid for the work I was doing because I said that I would keep 49% of the project since it was something that I believed would generate monthly income for me. I think that was pretty generous. I put a huge amount of time, energy, and money into getting it operational and a few times, the project had become stalled. I worked on it anyway because I wanted it to work. That’s fine. I didn’t mind that.

Time has passed and the project is being passed around and is probably going to be sold today. Unfortunately, it’s the concept itself and not the software. I was told over the weekend to stop working on it immediately. I went to a meeting with the feeling that I am just an extra person that no one knows what to do with anymore since the company wanted his own developers to write the software. I left pissed off. Then the other person working on it talked to someone else about selling the concept to someone else. I became even more pissed off about that.

I know that I am not a founder, so it’s really not up to me. He’s not a businessperson and I have offered to bring someone onboard who knows what he’s doing, but that didn’t work. Though I’ve done a lot of extensive work on this stuff and have been around since the beginning, I am not consulted on anything, and I’m not being consulted on IT matters anymore.

I’m just mad and will probably bring it up next time, but have to wait until after a meeting today (one that I am not going to).

Oh well, I’m just going to have to get over it, I guess. The uncertainty is exactly what has caused me to focus more on my previous career. It’s not sitting in front of a computer all the time at least. 🙂

Right? Right. It’s just going to take time for me to get rid of this rage. This is probably the first step in doing just that!

Hello, Again

Isn’t it frustrating when someone says they’re going away, but ends up not actually going away? Or maybe it’s a pleasant surprise?

Well there are a few reasons why I’m back:

I need to vent and I need to vent in a place where I am in control of the content. I know that I can post anything I want here (and really, I don’t have the problem of wanting to say things that are illegal). You see, I am the ultimate moderator of what gets published and kept here. I have no “boss”. I don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing and have someone report it. It’s free speech really, and thankfully my web host really likes free speech.

As I’ve said before, I use my weblog as a “free” type of therapy. By nature, I’m not outgoing and I don’t like to open up to people about the problems that  I have. For some reason, I see that as weak. I’ve really tried to change my mindset but it’s difficult. I don’t write for attention. Well, okay, a little bit of attention is fine, but I don’t expect a ton of sympathy for anything. I see it as maybe the things that I post will help people think about their own situation. That’s why I would post things about my mental state and things, so hopefully people will see it and say “You know what? I feel the same way. I’m not alone.” Mental health is something very close and important to me.

My domain registration was about to expire and I knew I wasn’t going to let it expire, so why have a domain name if I’m not going to use it, right? All of my usernames match this domain name. Why let them go to waste. I hope this makes sense. 😉

I feel a bit stupid because I said “Goodbye” only to come back a few days later. Apparently, I didn’t think things over very well. I do know that my partner told me a week or two again that he’s going to stop reading what I type here because the sweet stuff isn’t any good if I don’t act. He’s right about that. It was one of the reasons why I wanted to stop, so I can communicate with him a little more. Do you remember what I wrote up there about having a hard time to open up to people how I feel? Yeah, I thought by quitting this weblog, I might be able to talk to him more and share my feelings. For the last 20 years, people have been wanting me to do that and it hasn’t happened yet.

I didn’t say that I was leaving for attention or to mislead anybody. I really had intentions of stopping and just going to Twitter or something. I can’t limit my online chatter to 140 letters. I also really hate when people post 8 Twitter updates in a row.

So here I am again. No more threats. I promise. Maybe a few more breaks from posting though when I’m super busy. I’ve lived my life in blog form too long. It’s harder to say goodbye than I thought (or think) it is.