Frustrated by Silence

One of the downfalls about what I do, workwise, is that I can’t really talk about it here. It frustrates me a bit because there’s a lot of work- and study-related stress in my life right now. That’s why I haven’t really been here, because I’ve had to write in a journal every day as part of it, so by the time I finish, I’m not interested in writing anything here.

What I will say is that people sometimes piss me off. GOD I really wish I could say more here, but ethically and legally, I can’t. I will say that if a family member moves 1000 km away to be closer to you, you should at least look after them when they need it.

I’m going to have to leave it at that because I really want to leave my work life out of this blog. I’ll post something more upbeat soon, I’m sure.

Me vs Assertiveness

For a while, I forgot that I had a weblog! Oops. It’s a good thing because something’s been on my mind lately. And before I start, this isn’t targeting one person, or one situation, but it definitely seems to happen over and over.

Basically, I have a really difficult time being assertive. I think that’s one of those traits that I got from my “sheltered” childhood and my mother’s personality.

When I have to say “no”, this is how it feels.

I have a really hard time telling people things that I know will potentially upset them. So, I end up sacrificing a lot of myself to make other people happy. When I decide to make a decision that goes against what other people want, I end up feeling like shit and it starts to preoccupy my mind in a really bad way.

For example, I’ve known for several months that I will have to do training from Monday to Friday this month for at least 8.5 hours a day. I’m also doing it about 3 km/1.9 miles from my place, so I don’t have to do my usual 160 km/ 100 mile traveling every day. Right now, I am working/studying about 20 hours a week, not including the 10 hours a week (or more) that I spend traveling. What I’ll be doing this month will be quite laborious. A lot of physical work so by the time the weekend comes around, I will, understandably, want to relax and do absolutely nothing.

I know that sounds awful, but I really require some time alone or I’ll go insane. Due to the nature of this training and being in the public, I’m not going to get very much of that.

My partner is also still in India and coming back in less than 10 days (and I haven’t seen him for months), so I need to get my place clean and ready for him. I have to do that over the weekend because it’s my only “free” time. So things are pretty full-on for a while.

So for past week or so, I’ve been re-emphasizing that I’m super busy. I can’t say that it’s easy and I still feel like crap that I can’t do things with and for people this month, but it is what it is. Like yesterday, I had to argue with my friend (for 2 hours) that I can’t help him move more than 1 day this week and why next weekend is off-limits. It was very painful and exhausting.

And see what I’ve done here? I feel like I’ve had to explain my reasons why I’m too busy for the next month! And even when I explain, no one believes me! This is what happens constantly. I end up feeling like a shit head because I am busy or need to look after myself during a time that is going to take me some time to adapt to. All I want is to do really well with my training, and to be able to spend time with my partner who I haven’t seen in a really long time. And this is temporary. It’s just a month-long craziness that I need to concentrate on and not have all this needless guilt in my head.

It’s so much easier said than done. I just lack assertiveness and I’m not sure how to get it without coming across as a total douche.

High School Reunion? No Thanks.

Can you believe it? My 20 year high school reunion is coming up next year. I’m actually shocked that it’s happening since the people in my graduating class are so incredibly lazy. (We didn’t have the usual reunions. I think our first one was like 12 years or something like that, and it was some kind of bumpkin hoedown that someone threw together in their back yard, I hear.)

You want to know something else? I don’t really care. I’m not going to go, even if I was next door to where it was being held.

Apparently, where I grew up, if you don’t look like this, it’s a reason for someone to be an asshole towards you.

Why, you ask? It wasn’t because I was bullied every day. There were maybe two or three people who would go out of their way to give me a hard time for, get this, being skinny. That wasn’t every day though. Some people picked up on the asexual/bisexual/gay thing, but no one gave me a hard time about it. Now, there were people who would get teased all the time, but I escaped that for the most part. My “problem” was that I kept to myself a lot. I enjoyed and enjoy my solitude. I had good friends, but they seemed to always be somewhere else at the time.

I don’t go to these things because my high school years were boring. My parents barely let me do anything. I stayed grounded about 95% of the time because I could barely get As and Bs. I’d always come home with a high C, and that was enough to ground me. If I did make As and Bs, then my parents would go out of their way to ground me a day or two later over something trivial. I’m not lying, I got grounded for six weeks for not picking up a sock in the floor. They just didn’t let me do anything. When I played soccer (which I loved, by the way), they’d look for excuses why I couldn’t keep playing. It was just boring.

My teenage years in a nutshell.

So basically, I didn’t have many friends then. I didn’t appreciate how incredibly stupid, racist, and bigoted people could be either. I didn’t smoke. I didn’t drink. I didn’t do any drugs. I didn’t sneak out of the house. I was actually a really good kid. I didn’t/couldn’t do anything so people just didn’t want to have much to do with me. So why would I bother talking to people who I haven’t talked to in over 20 years?

Why would I go to a place where people didn’t bother to try to get to know me? What are the chances that they’d even remember me? How would people react if I showed up with my same-sex partner who’s from a different part of the world? Yeah, I don’t want to risk that. I don’t think people would give him any problems and I would actually love to see the look on their faces. I’d also love to see people surprised that I’m with a man.

They hold these things at incredibly weird times of the year too so that people living in a 30 minute driving radius could make it. They ask me for my input and I basically say, every time, that I don’t go to the USA at other times of the year than November/December. It’s when a lot of people overseas go back home, but they can’t manage that.

And I will never go back home for something as dumb and insignificant as a reunion when I don’t like the area, didn’t like school, and didn’t like the people (except for a handful).

If people want to see me, they’ll have to catch me when I plan to be there, for the most important reason I even go back there: family and my extra special friends who I consider to be my family.

Freedom and Openness

How much freedom do I give my partner and past partners and what are my thoughts on open relationships?

This is a topic that I’ve tried to write about several other times before but haven’t been successful yet. That’s mostly because I didn’t want to come across looking like a total wanker or someone who enjoys being walked all over or someone who just puts up with anything.

Before I continue, if gay people having sex bothers you or you don’t want to know details, stop reading and go do something else.

Whoever dates me or becomes my partner is lucky because I rarely get jealous. I haven’t ever been a jealous person because, to me, that takes too much energy and time. I already get anxious about something simple like what’s for dinner tonight and stuff, so this would just add to my anxiety. I usually have a lot of trust where I assume my partner knows what’s right and wrong. I have the talk with him about if he’s unsure, think about if I did the same thing, would he be upset? That’s what I do now, and that’s probably why I cherish the relationship I’m in now more.

What am I okay with?

As long as my partner tells people up-front that he’s in a relationship, mostly everything is good. If he tells someone he’s single, then I would understandably get upset. This is one of the few things that would make me mad. Basically, he shouldn’t lie about his relationship status.

My partner and I still have personal profiles on sites and we link to each other when possible. Again, as long as he doesn’t pretend like I don’t exist, I’m good. (I do the same.)

I don’t mind if my partner meets other gay guys for dinner, catching up, going to the movies, clubs, and stuff like that. I don’t mind if these guys are exes, old friends, or new guys.

A kiss or touch isn’t really a big deal to me. It’s not something that I’m going to spend too long thinking about.

Sexually, I’ve been in open relationships most of my adult life. This kind of thing doesn’t surprise me anymore because it’s really common. With my current relationship though, I’ve moved away from that and I like having this guy to myself right now. Even if it was an open relationship, I don’t think I’d want to be told about it or asked about it every time. Honestly, it’s a bit of a turn on for me. With my ex, I used to ask him what he’s done and he’d tell me and well, it would lead to us having sex. (That relationship was mostly sexual anyway and we both knew this, so yeah.)

On the subject of open relationships, they work for some people (almost half of gay men have had an open relationship). For most people, I’d like to think, they don’t. That’s okay. Couples that mutually agree to opening their relationship to other sex partners are fine. It’s just when one person of the couple doesn’t know about it that the problem starts. It’s also a problem when deep feelings start to develop for someone (and they do, but I learned to ignore it).

At the end of the day, it’s up to my partner to do the right thing. I trust that he will do the right thing at the right time, especially this guy I’m with now.

My Gaming History: Scramble

I remember when I was a little kid, I’d go over to my grandparents’ house after my grandmother would go to garage sales and buy toys for me, my sister, and cousins. Every so often, she’d pick up some pretty cool things (things I wished I still had).

For some reason, today, I was thinking about one of those games that she got me one time and couldn’t remember what it was called. I knew that it was orange. I knew it was the 80’s. And I knew that it was about spaceships. I searched for all those things and finally came up with the TomyTronic Scramble tabletop game.

This is it, TomyTronic Scramble:

My favorite was when the batteries would start dying and it would do some really incredibly weird things. It would beep, and make a lot of crazy noises when the batteries were dying.

I always thought the missiles and oil tanks were clowns though. They just looked like clowns to me.

Anyway, I really miss going to my grandparents’ house. I miss being a kid sometimes. I kinda wished that I spent more time with my family in general, but you know how it is. Love called. I answered. I’m still here.

Push Up Hell

I am not well. My body is not happy.

push-up
All the muscles that have been sore for the past two days. This isn’t even all of them.

I’m going to sound very whiny for a little bit. Of course, I’m going to be whiny because I am in a huge amount of muscular pain.

You see, last week I decided that it would be a good idea for me to get into shape for pictures that I need to take in August/September. I could really stand to get a bit of my chest definition back as well as reduce my belly fat. (I’ll post more about this soon.)

I told myself that my goal until then is to do at least 100 push ups, sit ups, lunges, etc every day and every other day, go swim at my gym.

The first day, I did 40 of each. I did push ups basically until I felt like I couldn’t anymore because if I push myself, I have a big possibility of doing some incredible amounts of damage to my body. I can’t really do that right now, so I stopped. Day 2, I did about 10 of each because I was really sore too. Like, I would lift my arm and it would be a bit sore. Today, I am actually hurting even more. I should take some ibuprofen or something. I should know when to do these things.

I’m supposed to swim this morning, but can’t since I’m expecting a phone delivery. It would have done me a lot of good too. I guess all hope isn’t lost though.

I always hate these first few days of exercise. I get so worked up doing these things that it’s such a bummer when I have to skip a day or two. I could take ibuprofen before I start but if I do that, I will risk working past the pain and can potentially do some really terrible damage to my muscle.

So… okay. Here I am waiting for a phone delivery so that I can go swim or something. I really would love to go today. The hydrotherapy would be perfect on days like this.

Smaller and Newer is Better

My Sony Xperia Z3 is about to get retired/fired/trashed/recycled and I’m really glad. I grew to really hate that thing. The phone had lost its water-proofing failed a few months after I got it because the front cover started to pop off. I wasn’t really rough with it. I just carried it around in my pocket mostly. I didn’t really notice that the water-proofing failed until I tried to take a picture and it came out cloudy. I looked at the lens, and noticed that there was condensation in it. Fun.

The speaker on it started to sound like it was busted. The vibration on it stopped a LONG time ago. The sound from the headphone jack is awful. There are two piss yellow stains on the display. The damned thing’s charging port is on the left side which prevents me from closing it when I charge (totally my fault for not thinking those things over before I buy the cover). Oh, and if you drop it and the screen cracks, it’s totally worthless and expensive to replace.

I got sick of Sony updating the software for it a year after a new Android version was released. (Sony said they weren’t going to update Android anymore a year after I got it.)

Android, however, isn’t bad. I liked seeing widgets on my home screen. I liked to be able to do more with it. I liked how Android felt and operated.

I am done with it.

My two-year contract with my Xperia finished this month. I ended my contract early because the cover/touchscreen is about to pop off for the third time.

Before I had the Xperia, I had an iPhone and looking back, it was a pretty stable, reliable phone. I didn’t have any major problems with it like I did with the Sony phone. I mean, the phone started swelling, so that’s why I ditched it. Come to find out, it just needed a new battery. I gave it to my ex and he’s still using it.

I decided to get an iPhone again, but it’s not one that people would expect. One of the annoying things about the phone I have now is that it’s an uncomfortable size. I can’t really use it with one hand (and before anybody thinks something naughty, there are plenty of times I needed to pick my nose with the other hand). I’m getting the iPhone SE. I’m getting the 128 GB sized one.

I am wanting to get less obsessed with my phone. I look around now on the trains, trams, and buses and see people with their heads down. People are going to dinner with their eyes fixed on a phone. I figure that a smaller phone will make me look at it a lot less. I feel like it will improve my relationships with other people because I know that I’m guilty at playing with my phone in social settings.

The front camera on it is horrible though but I don’t care.

It’s also over $20 cheaper per month than what I had before. That saved money can go towards bulking powder or pizza.

I’m also hoping to get one of the new 27″ iMacs and I know that having both a Mac and iPhone is a nice pair. I refuse to use that thing with a Windows PC.

Happy Pride

I know half the month has already passed, but I wanted to say Happy Pride Month to you! I don’t hear much about a pride month here in Australia. I don’t know why and I could be wrong. There’s a lot of stuff that I don’t know. If you have read any of my previous posts, you’ll know that by now.

Anyway, I thought I would go into story-telling mode for this one.

The Background

I grew up in a town in Texas that has a population of around 10,000 people. A lot of, if not all of, the people living there are insanely religious. So basically, their way of life is superior to anybody else’s. It was basically a place where you didn’t want to be openly gay. You especially didn’t want to be caught in an interracial relationship. These two things, if I stayed there long-term, would have made my life miserable. I don’t think I would ever get to do the things that I’ve done if I stayed there. I just had to get out of there as soon as I could. It took me a little while, but I finally left.

Figuring Out Who I Was

I’m not one of those people where I can say that I realized that I liked other men when I was a kid. I know some people can say that they knew when they were gay when they were 8 or something like that. I don’t think that’s really possible, but okay. I think growing up, I just didn’t really care. Like, seriously. I didn’t care up until my final year of high school. I had girlfriends, but I only had them because all the other guys did. I didn’t put much effort into them. At the same time, I didn’t secretly lust over any guys either or have any guy crushes.

It kind of clicked for me when one of my friends who was on the football team used to show me his legs. He was really muscular and he’d shave his legs. After he shaved them, he’d tell me to feel how smooth they were. Of course, I did. That was probably my first crush. I realized that there was a possibility that I liked guys, but I largely ignored it. My friend would invite me over to hang out and stuff, but I didn’t do it because I was just a little afraid that this crush would make me fall in love with him (and in a way, I think I did).

I stopped fighting it when I was around 17 and said to myself “It’s possible that I like guys.” In my last few weeks of high school, I started “dating” someone, again, who played football. He went around telling everybody that we were a “happy” couple. It was very brave for a football player in high school to admit that he liked guys, especially in a small town. Since I only had a few more weeks left of high school, I didn’t give a crap. I pretty much knew that I was getting the hell out of my hometown the first chance I got so I could live in peace.

Thankfully, I was never bullied that much. No one wanted to beat my ass and no one threatened me. No one said much, even after that “boyfriend” I had told everybody. Sure, some people would say things every so often because I was a tall, skinny guy. If you didn’t look like you were corn-fed and have a gut, that meant that you were probably into men. I just took care of myself, that’s all.

My Sexuality

I’ve never had any dislike or disgust with women or their parts. I just don’t see that happening. Even while I lived here, I talked to them and dated, but I didn’t push anything. I was a very gentlemanly guy to date.

I just don’t go out of my way to find women. I haven’t for a while. I just don’t think it would be fair for me to be with anybody, male or female, and have someone else on the side. An example: getting married to a woman, but having a relationship with a guy. It’s a pick one or the other kind of thing. My choice for a long time has been men. If that makes think I’m only gay, fine. If it makes me bisexual, whatever. I am who I am.

I’m basically not going to wake up tomorrow morning with an undying need to be with a woman. I’m okay with this. I’m not going to regret getting married to a man.

Why Pride?

Having pride is about spreading hope. It’s a way to celebrate things getting better and improving, but at the same time, remembering what people in the past have done and the lives that were lost to get to this point. I feel like a same-sex marriage rights are there because of gay pride. It’s about accepting myself as who I am and not feeling like a monster for it (of course, that depends where you are and how vocal people around you are).

It’s taken time to realize who I am and to be okay with it. I don’t think I could have done that in my small little hometown. I don’t think I would ever been able to come so far in my life like this. I basically just feel like it’s not my problem if someone doesn’t like me if I like other men and will marry one some day. Life is too short to be worrying about if someone’s going to marry someone of the same sex.

Concluding

Yeah, I had to add this little section because a few seconds ago, I was thinking about what this post is about. I think I went all over the place. Oops. Well, it gives you a little more information about how I feel about being gay (or whatever). I hope one day people are treated equally and it becomes illegal in the USA, in all states, to discriminate against people just for who they love. (You can still get fired in Texas if your employer finds out your gay. Seriously. I don’t think it would happen often, but I’m sure it does… and that’s stupid.)

So Happy Pride Month, folks!

Meeting Nice, Gay Couples Isn’t Easy

I have a bit of downtime so I thought that I would write a little something here. Before we go any further, I have to say happy birthday to the queen because if it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t be having a day off. So thanks for existing, queen.

One of the things, as a couple, my relationship lacks is good friendly people who are also in relationships. That’s always been a weak spot of my relationships. I think it’s a good idea to build friendships with other couples. It just never really happens for some reason. I jump on gay dating websites looking for couples who are just looking for friendships, but as you can imagine, that’s not as easy to do as you’d think. You have to really ask yourself why they’re on there. Hell, I could ask myself why exactly I’m on there.

I find other couples, but it seems like one of them isn’t very happy with each other or one complains a lot about a boring sex life. That’s when I usually disengage from talking to them. The focus, on the other side, goes from making friends with a gay couple to one guy acting like he hasn’t had sex in 15 years. It’s like they’re super desperate or something.

Every so often, you find a genuine, happy couple who just want to get to know other couples and I think that’s great. I have been talking to a couple who lives about an hour away from us who are in a similar relationship as us: one guy is Caucasian, and one is South Asian. We’ve been chatting about what life’s like for all of us, travel, and stuff. It’s actually really nice. I’m hoping that we can meet up sometimes and do something outdoorsy. I love outdoorsy stuff.

I guess it is possible to meet nice couples and thinking back, I do have some friends who are couples but my partner and I haven’t met them. Our schedules are just too out of whack and we live in the middle of nowhere now. Hopefully that changes, but I don’t have a good idea of when anymore. I am just required to travel 3 hours a day, 3-4 times a week for the next year. I think I can handle that.

Until then, it’ll be nice to meet some guys who similar to us. I just hope it doesn’t get crazy, but I’m sure it won’t. 🙂

My Happy Place: New York

I figured that last post I made about all the useless crap would amuse people for a day or two. I went the safe route and decided to wait 5 days!

One of those questions asked me about when I felt happiest and I said that it was when I lived in New York. I have to say that these days, I am more happy than sad/upset/depressed. I have a lot going on in my head, but overall, I am pretty content. It doesn’t mean that I am unhappy now, it’s just that being in and living in New York was incredible. It was a great experience.

I met some really nice people there and was around a friend of mine who basically did a lot to make me happy. I moved in with him and his place was one of the dirtiest places I’ve been in, so I cleaned up his whole house for him and he was really grateful for that. He had come from a different country and grew up having people who did that stuff for him, so understandably, it was a mess. I helped him past that and once I cleaned it up, it never got messy again!

He was also the first person I ever met that was Muslim too. He was fairly religious and I gave up pork products and alcohol while I lived with him out of respect. He was just an incredibly friendly guy and was really supportive with me leaving Texas the way I did. (I moved to New York right after high school and I did it suddenly. I stuck around for about 2-3 years. I met my friend on AOL (I think) and one day decided to move. Yeah… not a smart thing to do for anybody these days.) That is exactly why I will never be anti-Muslim, plus I see it as a complete waste of time, energy, and IQ.

I remember going to NYC on the weekends which was really scary at first because I grew up in such a small place. I learned to start loving the city and haven’t really been interested in living in a small town since then.

It was New York where I learned what love was and what it was like to be in love with someone regardless of where he might have been on Earth.

It was the first place I had been where it actually snowed enough so that I can make real snowmen. I remember how excited I was when it snowed a few inches. Then, because I had to clean my apartment, I learned to hate when the snow melted or when people walked through snow. Dirt would get all over the floor.

When I moved, it was the first time I had flown in a commercial aircraft for hours. I was so nervous and told the people checking me in that. They were really nice about it.

During the winter, the tree leaves would change colors and it was beautiful. I lived a little upstate, so I did have trees around. I had always heard stories about how beautiful autumn was in the northeast.

It was a calming time for me and it gave me time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and it also allowed me to be somewhat independent. I don’t know whether I used that independence wisely, though.

New York in general was a really great experience. I loved it. I experienced a lot of firsts there. I’d consider moving back there if I could, but I haven’t made a decision yet where I’m going to go and even when. I still have time to decide. I think being older would make everything very very different now, but I think I’d enjoy it.