Hi folks! Just a note that I am going to stop posting every weblog post as a tweet on my @idiologic account. Notice how I said every weblog post? There are some that I will still post, but they’ll be important posts only.
Instead, I am going to post them to the @IdiologicDotCom account so feel free to follow me on that account. (You can go ahead and follow because I have started tweeting from that account now and you won’t have to get approval to follow.)
The really mean thing to do would be to do this immediately, so I’m going to end posting these posts to my private account starting next year (changed).
Updated: 1 Nov 2017 with new starting date. I haven’t moved many people to my new account which kinda worries me.
When I was a kid, a lot of my friends/classmates would have these parties at restaurants and skating rinks. I’d get invited to go, but I wouldn’t actually go. My parents never (except once or twice) let me go anyway, but you know something? That was okay for me. I never really liked big gatherings of people and that’s true up to now. I never really liked being the centre of attention or have that feeling that everybody’s looking at me.
At the same time, my birthday parties were usually family only. There were only a few times when my friends would come by and that was when I was an adult. I just didn’t really see a need because as I said, I hated the attention.
You’d think that I would be mad, upset, or regretful that I didn’t do any of that. My childhood was quite lonely except I had a sister and we’d basically just hang out with each other. What bothered me though is when she grew up and moved on from wanting to hang around her little brother. After that, I was a bit alone, but as I’ve said, that was okay. Now this is going to sound pretty shitty, but I wished that my dad had done more with me. He was always too busy hanging out with his best friend. He’d go over there after work, drink, then come back home (usually drunk). I think that he knew more about his best friend’s son than me, which is sad. He did more with his best friend’s son than me which yeah, didn’t feel that great. That’s why I was more of a momma’s boy. My mom seemed to stay in this depression. I’m not really sure how you describe it, but I’m sure she felt the same way where she was tired of my dad being away all the time and more or less, being unsupportive. Looking back at it now and the way she is today, no wonder I am not more social than I am. I just thought that being by yourself and doing your own thing all the time was normal behaviour. It’s come to haunt me a lot in my adult life. (And I don’t want to paint my dad as a monster either. He actually got a LOT better when I was in my late teens, but the damage had already been done.)
I think that’s why I am contemplating my age right now because I think that if I had been more social, outgoing, and all, life would be so much different. My jobs require me to be extremely social and it’s extremely hard for me. I have to really struggle to not let my stunted social upbringing bother me. It takes a huge amount of energy just to get through some days because it’s hard for me to actually TALK to people. Does that make sense?
I find myself getting jealous that people can be so social with other people. I really wish that I could somehow be them and be less shy, closed, and quiet.
But you know something else? I am quite a caring guy. I’m nice and kind (mostly). I do actually care about people’s feelings. I like to see the good in all people (until they severely fuck that up). I don’t hate any person, people in general, or hate being around people. I do need some social interaction. But… it’s hard sometimes. Hopefully, this makes a bit of sense.
I know lately I have been talking a lot about this sort of thing, but I do use this weblog as a type of therapy. I think it’s a good thing for me to do. I had started this as a post about my childhood and not going to or having parties and how I’m okay with that, but it kinda morphed into something else. Oops! Reflecting on bits and pieces of my childhood and adult life is really helping me understand who I am and why I am. I think that’s a really good result!
NOW! I need to go out and do something for myself which consist of me getting off my rump, going to the gym, and then going shopping for food. Gotta utilise these days off to their full potential!
Another start of the week and a new month. Exciting stuff, isn’t it?
In a few more months, I will turn another year older. For some reason lately, that’s been bothering me a little bit. I know that it’s going to happen and no amount of skin cream, magic pills, diets, or anything can stop it. So, like with my baldness, I have no choice but to let it happen as gracefully or ungracefully as it wants. What I can do though is to take better care of myself in the meantime. (You know, like cut out more KFC from my life.)
There are times that I think about my life if I didn’t take the risks that I took. What if I never left Texas and was happy living in my hometown? What if I found love there instead of somewhere else? What if I never moved to New York and NYC? Where would I be if I never moved to Australia? Would any of this make me a better person? How about a worse person?
It’s really hard to say and I guess it’s not very healthy to think about it. One of the things that I think about is how my relationship improved with my parents when I moved away. I don’t think either one of them thought that I would move across the world. Hell, I didn’t think I would either, but I did.
But having moved, I’ve missed out on a lot of things. I have missed being around my family as they got older and I’ve missed out on a lot of major life-changing events for them (like the last hurricane). Not only that, I feel like I’ve abandoned my best friend that I’ve had since I was 13 or 14. I miss her a lot and miss the late nights we’ve had playing games and stuff. I still need that sometimes because as far as games go, here, I’m doing on my own. It’s not fun when everybody around you sees gaming as a colossal waste of time and money. (And yes, I’m this old and still love playing video games.)
Also, I think about my refusal to grow up. I still think like someone who’s 20 years younger. I still want to hide in the clothes racks in clothing stores. I still run from place to place while people who are younger than me probably think “what a weirdo”. I still don’t like paying bills, having most of my day taken up by working, and just being responsible. I think out of my weaknesses, that has to be the worse. I can be responsible though. I can save money. I can work 3 jobs at one time. There’s a lot that I have done and can do.
There are things that I feel like I’m missing out on, but that’s a completely different post. I probably make myself look a little crazy here. I probably am though. Anyway, if I stikc around I will just ramble more–so I’m outta here!
I’m pretty sure this is what my neighbour does on every day off he has (or with 100% of his free time)… for like 18 hours… outside my front door. Exactly like the GIF above… non-stop. I get so fucking tired of listening to it.
Every so often, people message me asking about Nick Thomas. They ask me whether I’ve talked to him or have seen him online, and well, I haven’t really interacted with him in a long time. Every so often, I just check back to see if anything has been updated on his site or podcast site and I was surprised this morning to see that he’s back to podcasting.
In one of his podcast episodes he talked about coming back to podcasting (everybody needs a break) and about Hurricane Irma. So if you’ve missed him, make sure you catch up. I will admit that I haven’t. I hardly listen to any podcasts anymore because I don’t have much time for them, but eventually I will get around to it.
If you haven’t listened to him before, Nick pretty much tells it how it is. It’s basically a personal journal type podcast about his life as a gay man in Alabama. Things can get a little, um, “exciting” if you know what I mean.
If you come across this, Nick, I just want to say hello! Welcome back, mate.
Even if I was straight, I’d answer it the same way because, seriously, how would it affect me and my relationships? The answer is that it wouldn’t.
I’ve seen some posts about how this is a slippery slope. Who says that it wouldn’t lead to any of these things:
Someone wanting to marry their toaster, microwave, cake mixer, refrigerator, pasta machine, or any other kitchen appliance.
Someone wanting to marry their cat, dog, ferret, a pear tree, or the neighbour’s chinchilla, or some other living thing.
Someone wanting to marry their dad, mom, brother, sister, cousin, aunt, uncle, or some other blood relative.
Someone wanting to marry 12 people at the same time to partake in Hot Pocket- and Mountain Dew-fueled orgies every second night–okay, every night.
Someone wanting to marry someone underage.
Someone else getting married to someone of the same sex is against my religion. I’ll be forced to marry someone of the same sex.
Let’s think about that list a little bit, shall we? First off, objects, places, and things can’t sign the required documents for it to happen. Plus, that sounds really boring. Who would they argue with? Siri isn’t an option. She’s not interested. I’ve asked.
Animals also can’t sign documents unless they’re really talented. They can’t consent either. What would people say? “Lick my face if you want to get married, chew off my face if you don’t.”
Relatives? Gross. There are a few moral and ethical issues here; issues that I shouldn’t really have to explain. Yes, some people have questionable morality and ethical reasoning and want to do this, but it shouldn’t be legal.
Polygamy? Having multiple boyfriends/girlfriends is hard enough. Having multiple husbands/wives would be much, much harder. Not worth the effort. Not worth the jealousy. Just not worth fighting for. (Hot Pockets sound good though. I like the ham and cheese ones. I haven’t had one in a long time.)
Underage… that one came up quite often. Not only is this dumb, it’s also stupid. Most people know that morally and ethically this isn’t something you do. Plus, you can’t enter in a legal contract with someone who doesn’t have the capacity to do so. You can’t get consent to do something like this from someone that’s not a legal age. Plus… why would this be equated to someone wanting to be with someone of the same sex for the rest of their life?
So, what I’m saying is that same-sex couples aren’t looking for any of these things. They’re just two consenting adults who want their relationship validated legally so they have the same protections as someone who is married. Nothing more, nothing less. I’m not asking for a second birthday or my own island. I just want to be with someone for the rest of their lives. I want to be able to make important medical decisions (if it comes to that) in the case they can’t. I want to be able to call my relationship a marriage when and if it gets to that point. I just want equality, really.
Now, there are people who say “no” for religious reasons. That’s okay. I totally get that the Bible can be translated and interpreted any way that suits them. However, it’s my firm belief that religion and religious teachings shouldn’t be shoved down people’s throats because not everybody follows the same religion or even has a religious affiliation. I firmly believe of a total separation of church and state. It’s sad that the states in the USA don’t really believe in something so silly. If you don’t want to marry someone of the same sex, you don’t have to. Just don’t think about it.
Basically, I think if two adults love each other in a deeply romantic way and they both want to marry each other, they should be allowed to marry. Religion has nothing to do with it.
Let me add that this survey feels like one of those “vote for your favourite” on a reality TV show. It’s really dumb and it’s a huge waste of money.
I’m back. I’d love to say that I am refreshed after getting some time to myself, but I’m feeling a bit drowsy today. Yesterday, I had an allergic reaction to something that I put on my hands. They started swelling, getting bumpy, and was very itchy. It happened to be the day that I didn’t have any Benadryl with me too, so I had burning, itchy hands all day. I do know that my hands look like they’ve aged 20 years from yesterday and it’s really sad because I have nice skin on my hands. Oh well, first world problems, right?
A few of you have reached out to me over my last post, and I really thank you for that. It was a rough week that week. It was a little bit better after that thankfully. I think that’s because I slept at home instead. I think the feeling of being in your own space with someone you care about makes things a lot better. The going to bed at 8 pm so I can wake up at 4 am thing really sucked though. I did get to sleep in today though. I woke up at 6 this morning, even with Benadryl.
It’s unfortunate that I don’t want to can’t say what I was up to over the past few weeks but I will say this: if you’re teaching people new to the field to do something, and they make small mistakes, huffing and puffing isn’t a good way to motivate them. I worked with someone like this and it was really irritating. It wasn’t directed at me, but it’s really hard to see someone try to train someone when they get so pissy over the smallest things. I had to get out of my passiveness and have a little chat with this person. I basically said that they needed an attitude adjustment and they’re supposed to mentor other students, not scare them off. (Hopefully this all makes a little sense. I have to be careful about what I say.)
That’s what infuriated me most this week. Impatience when patience is what’s needed. Oh, and the moodiness. Not a good combination.
Regardless, I chug ahead.
This week marked 8 years that my dad passed away. I try not to think of it much because I don’t think it’s necessarily good to acknowledge anniversaries of deaths. I think about my dad every day. I think about how difficult it is not being able to chat with him when I want. He was always really good at giving practical advice. I miss that. I wished he would have looked after his health a lot better though. Anyway, I’m sure I’ll “see” him again sometime. How, when, where? Who knows? (My dreams about him keep me from getting too sad about it. His memory is still alive. That’s the important thing.)
I hope you all are doing well. As I said, it feels good to recharge my battery. It’s good not to have to set an alarm. It’s nice to be able to drink coffee without the fear of rushing to a bathroom suddenly. It was nice playing with my XBox. It’s also good to have time to be in front of a computer too. I missed the little things!
I think I failed to mention that my posts will be sporadic for a while. Or maybe I mentioned it somewhere… I can’t really be bothered looking for it. That’s the problem. I can’t be bothered. The last week for me hasn’t been that great for me.
Sometimes I mention that I don’t always look after myself the best I can. I can be quite abusive towards myself and what I mean by that is that I really have a problem telling myself that I am doing a good job, that I’m a good person, that the lasagna I made a few weeks ago was really good, or that I am a good partner. That’s what I mean when I say that I abuse myself. I’m not harming myself physically, it’s just all done mentally and emotionally.
All of this self-doubt really has a huge toll on my overall health. When your brain is telling you that you suck at everything you do, sometimes it’s hard getting up in the mornings. Sometimes, it’s just really hard to function and I’ve experienced that over the last week. It seemed to be a lot worse than it has been, and that’s mostly because I’m in the middle of a two week training session. That’s probably the best way to put it since I want my main career to remain private. I’ve had to spend a lot of time away from home and my partner because I’m having to stay closer to where I am training. It takes about 2 hours travelling one-way going from home, and I just can’t see myself spending 4 hours a day travelling on top of an 8 hour workday. I’ve been staying with friends, but I still really miss my partner a lot.
I have said that I like our time apart, but I think I just need really small doses of that. A day is good. Weeks aren’t.
Going back to my health, if you can imagine seeing someone after they give up smoking in one day after they’ve smoked for 25 years, that’s what I am like. Four or five days of the week, my gut is upset. Let’s just say that I stay in a dehydrated state. My blood pressure is going higher. I feel like I am 30 years older than I really am. When things are really bad, I get migraines. This usually happens before assessments, exams, job interviews, work shifts, when I know I’m going to have to be in front of a large group of people, when I have to go to the store to get groceries, you name it.
Mid-week, one of my contacts tore and silly me didn’t bring a replacement, so my partner brought me some replacements. It doesn’t end there, but he wasn’t feeling well, yet he still spent the time to travel more than 3 hours to bring me what I needed. Then, he got me pizza. I really have a great guy and I’m lucky to have him. I’m even happier because I got to spend some of my weekend with him. I really needed that. By Friday, my mood was just abysmal. I missed a day, went to the doctor to explain how I’m feeling and how sick and tired I am being so anxious all the time because it’s not a good fit for what I’m doing. It really makes me sad. I like what I do but the anxiety really gets in my way of doing my job well (or more often).
I stop myself a lot from posting things like this because I don’t want to be one of those people online who list and brag about all their medical diagnoses, issues and problems. I don’t do this for attention. Sometimes I just need to get this stuff out, and if someone happens to come across something that I write that helps them understand what’s going on with them, I think that’s a good thing.
I choose not to smoke, drink (much), or do any drugs though I know they can have a calming effect. I just need to find another way to get my brain to relax. I haven’t found that yet though. (Actually, I think I have, but it’s extremely temporary.)
I guess that’s what’s happening. It’s why I’ve been in hiding… some of it is because I refuse to write these on a tablet since it takes me 10 times longer, but yeah, the mental bit has turned me off completely from wanting to do much. I’ll be back once this week is done. This is my last training thing for the rest of the year (except two days).
Do you remember that marriage equality survey I was telling you about? You remember, right, the one that is wasting $122,000,000 of taxpayer money? Well, it’s going ahead. I’m still disgusted by this survey and I really, really wish that the money was being used for something else like healthcare, education, or actually helping the Australian community rather than dividing it.
If the older generation get their way (on anything), nothing will change. Ever. These are the people whose lives are just about over and they aren’t going to have to live with the results. The younger generation, yes. They have every reason to do this because it is going to affect them (and their family and friends) for a lot longer. It really shouldn’t even be up to an opinion poll about whether this should be done because it doesn’t affect anybody else except the two consenting adults that get married.
I don’t care if churches can refuse to marry people of the same sex. I, personally, wouldn’t care because when I get married, it’s not a religious issue. It’s basically being with the person you want to be with and the legal benefits of being married. So if the religious groups want to say they won’t do it, then fine. They don’t have to. It’s super simple and that’s how it works in almost every country that it’s legalised in. No big deal.
It makes me think, if the US Supreme Court didn’t vote for marriage equality (directly or indirectly), would it be a reality now? I mean, if it were up to the people of the USA to vote for it, I don’t think it would be. I’m curious to know what you think with a short little poll.
Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment.
Have you noticed that a lot of times when I refer to my boyfriend, I say partner? I’ve been doing that a lot more since I’ve moved to this country because it’s what everybody else does. At first, when people told me anything about their “partner” I just assumed that they were either gay or lesbian. In my head, I was thinking “Wow, there sure are a lot of gay people here.” Then they’d actually mean someone of the opposite gender. For some reason, I started doing the same thing.
You see, I come from a place where people can absolutely fall in love with you, love everything about you, but when it comes to your romantic relationship, you say that you’re with someone of the same sex and then all of a sudden they hate you. You know, forget the fact that you’ve single-handedly saved a bus full of drowning children or dogs, they’ll still hate your guts. All the good stuff they loved about you is all now forgotten. (If you’re lucky enough, you’ll get lectured how their religion is the only “right” religion and everybody’s supposed to live the same way they do.)
Telling people I have a partner here is basically not putting an emphasis on who I’m with. It doesn’t mean that I am ashamed of who I am, because I’m not. It’s just habit. I usually don’t have to build on that unless someone asks or if I mention it. Then, it’s no big deal. The great thing about living here is that most people don’t give a damn. I like to think it’s because people here just aren’t that religious or they’ve gotten past the part where you’re supposed to hate other people based on the fact they’re in a loving, happy relationship with someone of the same sex.
I still don’t really understand why people who are against marriage equality are so against it when it’s really not something that affects them directly. (As I say, it’s a non-issue and not worth making a huge deal about.) But, of course, and yet again, I am drifting to some other topic…
Partner has become habit. People who know me totally get it and it allows me to talk really openly in front of groups of people who get their feelings hurt by marriage equality. But, there’s only so much shielding from their feelings I’ll do too. People change. Society changes. If you’re not ready to adapt to a changing society, then you need to lock yourself up in a room and watch The Andy Griffith Show reruns or something and keep voting for people who are scared of happy people.
Um, hopefully, that explains it. It’s just habit now. It doesn’t really emphasise that my relationship is unequal or inadequate in any way because it’s not. I’d like to think that people, as a whole, will come to accept that gay people exist and they can lead happy lives together, one day. Or my preference is that they just don’t really care. That’s my favorite. 🙂 (It’s what I wanted when I came out to my family.)