Disappearing Incompletely

Hi everybody.

You may or may not have listened to the last podcast episode. If you have listened to it, you’ll know and understand why I’ve been away. I have a little more to add to that. If you haven’t listened to it, let me tell you what I’ve been going through for the past few weeks. These posts are always really difficult for me to write, mostly because it sounds extremely close to what I talk about in my podcast.

I’ve been away for a while because I am really struggling with my dangerously high levels of anxiety and starting my new job. I basically cannot function at the level I need to at work to do my job(s) effectively and that scares me quite a lot. I tend to overthink and worry about the smallest things. After one thought finishes making a round in my head, another comes. They never stop lining up. That’s a calm day. The way that my brain has been going lately though, it’s constant and these thoughts (usually very negative ones) and worries come several at a time. It makes concentrating so hard.

I am not just sitting around doing nothing about it. Like I said in TIP #17, I have an initial doctor appointment set up and I’m using an app called Woebot to get rid of some of the negative thoughts and feelings i have which, in my opinion, are leading me to a life of high blood pressure and fear. My partner has been a very big part of my getting better and he’s been awesome. I don’t think there’s anything he wouldn’t do for me. He’s been absolutely fabulous and I’m lucky to have such a supportive and loving husband.

I will get better. I know that for sure. Just by talking about it here and in my podcast is therapy enough. You might have noticed that my demeanour changed slightly from the beginning of it to the end. That’s because I talked about it.

Talking about feelings is probably something that men to do more of because whether we want to accept it or not, we have certain emotional needs and wants. We can’t just ignore them and keep building up all this sadness, anger, stress, etc. We need to get these things out and you know what? Sometimes we need help–and that’s okay. That’s perfectly fine.

I will be stronger and I know that I can do it. It will just take some time, and again, a little extra help.

Take care of yourselves, everybody. 🙂

The title was originally “How to Disappear Completely”, a Radiohead song from Kid A. I don’t want to disappear completely though. I want my anxiety to go away or to be manageable at least.

TIP #17: Therapeutic

This was supposed to be my “Happy Thanksgiving” episode, but I’ve been in a bit of a rough spot lately. I talk about a few of the problems I’m having, how I’m struggling to deal with those problems mentally and emotionally, how I’m planning to deal with these problems, and also, to say a few thanks. I get a little bit emotional during this.

As of this posting, I’m doing okay. Not incredibly great, but talking over things helped a bit. I just want to say a big thank you to those of you who have been listening. Really, I thank you.

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Emergency! This is the Point of No Return!!!

It’s a real emergency, you guyz.

I don’t even know why I blurred this guy’s username and photo, honestly. I really don’t. I don’t even know where to start with this guy.

My partner and I have profiles at a certain dating website. Our profiles are linked so it’s not really a “secret” that I’m with someone. This website lets me know who has visited my profile and this guy looked at my profile like a dozen times in one day.

So this little charmer started chatting with me. I figured, he’s not really good looking and probably doesn’t get to chat with a lot of people, so I’ll make some polite conversation with him. Oh geez, what a mistake. He started asking really weird questions like am I into wrestling. Do I like piggy back rides? Do I like dressing up like a ghost and running through poorly lit cemeteries? Okay, that last one wasn’t real, but I am really surprised he didn’t. It was just really weird. Some involved bodily fluids. Let’s just say… gross. My replies start going hours apart. Doesn’t phase him any–he keeps going.

He pushes it into high gear trying to make moves on me, asking me to meet him, what I like to do in bed, you know, the typical gay men chatter. If you didn’t know, this is what 70% of conversations are like. I said “Dude, you do know that I have a partner, don’t you?” And he actually said no! I don’t really get what he’s doing looking at my profile so much because he’s obviously not paying attention that I am partnered.

For the next several days he keeps messaging me those “hi”, “what r u doing”, or “hey” messages. I don’t reply to them. Then I finally get this one and have to admit it really made me laugh. Since when is getting a Steam gift card (gaming distributor) an emergency? And by today?! I mean, I could probably still make the deadline, but… what the fuck? This guy needs to grow a brain and get his priorities in order.

Oh, and he’s totally not my type too. He’s definitely not good-looking. If I was available and single, I would have rather died bitter, desperate, and alone rather than put up with someone with the IQ of a tablespoon of applesauce.

The experience from wanting to be nice was horrid and I wish it would just end. I guess I’m going to finally just have to tell the guy to fuck off. Maybe someone else will put up with his dumb ass, but I’m not. Not even for a chat.

Oh, and as I type this, he sent me another identical message. I will go now.