People have been telling me that they’re worried about me and I’m not so sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I haven’t exactly been the most social butterfly lately and I think people link that with being depressed or something. I’ve complained lately that I’ve been so busy, I’ve been getting a bit more sick lately, but it doesn’t mean I’m depressed or anything. I just make myself a lot busier than I really should be. I have told people that if I’m not this busy and inflicting some kind of pain on myself, then I feel like something is “off”.

That’s probably not the best, or healthiest, way to think.

If people don’t hear from me in a while, this is what they think. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Since I’ve moved out of Melbourne, it’s been a bit hard to catch up with people as often as I used to. It takes me a while to know people (I’d rather be around friends rather than acquaintances). I don’t think I’ve got trust issues, but I’m one of those people who just don’t require to be around people all the time. I’d rather have a few really good friends than a lot. I’m totally happy with my alone time (most of the time) though it can sometimes be excessive. I don’t really notice it too much though a lot of other people do.

I also get incredibly anxious in social situations. You know how people have this invisible bubble around them where they get super uncomfortable when someone’s in it? Some people’s invisible bubble is really small. Mine’s pretty big. I don’t like people who are that close to me and during the photo shoot the other weekend, it was even super hard to have my partner that close to me (but at the same time, it was nice because we don’t get that close very often).

Seriously, I’m good. I am not unhappy, depressed, or anything of the sort. I’m just a bit busy and trying so hard to keep that culled a little bit. I am thinking of ways that I can de-stress myself, even if it means giving up some of the things I do to keep myself busy.

When you don’t totally hate what you do…

Hi. I’m waiting for my phone to charge. Yeah, technology is fun sometimes.

Hooray! I don’t hate what I do.

I mentioned the other day that I had a few busy weeks ahead of me, but the first week has finished, and you know what? I really enjoyed it. I’m looking forward to going back next week. I didn’t work much in this field for a while (which is why I am doing this again) and it is so nice to get back to it, even full-time. I told myself when I first started over 10 years ago that I would never work in this field full-time. I do like the flexibility of working casually and being able to take (unpaid) leave when I need to, but as I get older, I need to make more money and I need to work a lot harder before I am forced to work when I’m 85 years old.

It’s really nice rediscovering why exactly I do what I did/do. It’s very invigorating and it feels great going back home at the end of the day, knowing that I enjoy what I’m doing, like, seriously.

It’s hard to explain this without mentioning what I actually do, so hopefully you get what I’m saying. lol

Anyway, I hope I can maintain this excitement past next week and I’m pretty sure that it will just get better. I’m almost totally done with this re-training stuff.

Month-long Sporadic Posting in My Weblog

Hey there. I think I forgot to mention that my posts here will be a bit sporadic for the next month. Oops. It’s just that busy time of the year right now, so I tend to forget to post here. Without saying too terribly much, I’m doing full-time training for the next month and I am absolutely knackered at the end of the day. I pretty much come home and fall asleep. I get up for a bit to eat, and then go back to sleep and get a half-assed night of sleep. There’s just too much going through my head right now and it’s preventing me from getting good quality sleep.

Over the weekend, we took our pre-wedding photos and I’ve seen some of them. The pictures are okay and I don’t really think I’m going to share any of them here on my weblog, but if you’re interested for some strange reason, just message me and you can see some (assuming I know you).

I have just been really tired, and at the same time, pretty anxious about everything. I think that’s what is wearing my energy thin. As small and simple as things are sometimes, I always feel the need to over think everything. It’s one of the things about myself that really irritates me. The frequent trips to the bathroom, the always-looking-like-I-just-saw-a-ghost look, the trembling like a leaf, it is all a bit irritating.

Anyway, I don’t want to keep dwelling on these things, so I’m heading off. I’ll see you guys a few times over the next month. ๐Ÿ™‚

Our Wedding’s Coming Up

Hi! I’m finally starting to feel a bit better now so I thought I’d give you an update of sorts. I know I haven’t said much about my wedding day lately, so I wanted to tell you that it’s still on. I’ve had to move the date around a little bit because it turned out that my partner’s mother was heading back home on the day that we were supposed to get married, so we moved it sooner by a week.

I haven’t said much about what’s happening on the day yet because we’re not doing anything huge for it. I’m okay with that because I think I would be more worried about the unwanted attention more than the marriage itself. (It’s the reason why I never went to any of my graduations.) Even my citizenship ceremony made me really ill. I remember standing there focused on how anxious I’ll be walking in front of everybody. We’re just going to have a few people there that I think will compromise mostly of his family and a friend or two of mine. I would have loved to have some family members here, but I don’t think that it’s practical for a really small ceremony like this. As a result, I will do a small thing when I get to the USA, I guess.

I originally made a website with all the details, pictures, videos, and such for it, but then I realised that it’s probably overkill, so I don’t think I’m going to use it. We’re keeping most of it private, so it would have been behind a username and password login. It’s actually up now, but I’m just going to incorporate it into another project instead or use it later for when I am planning the events after. (We’re not doing anything big on the day of our wedding either.)

Yeeeehaw - redneck wedding
This is how I imagined my wedding and I’m a little sad that it’s not going to happen, but I will let it go because I get to wear Indian clothes! ๐Ÿ™‚

I don’t know about you, but I really hate planning. I’ve discovered that I really dislike planning stuff like this so I’m just letting things go as minimal as possible. I think ongoing celebrations are better and it’s also a little bit better for us because we don’t really know where we’ll be at that point of time either and what we’ll do in the future.

As far as married life goes, I don’t feel negative about it. I just accept it. I’m not extremely excited either because I think these kinds of relationships can be sustained by love and respect, but if someone won’t marry me now, will I feel regretful later? Who knows!

Cough Cough

The past week has been kinda crappy for me. I’ve been sick for most of it and finally started taking antibiotics after I noticed I was coughing up bright yellow and green mucus. At least I can breathe a little better now. I started feeling pretty good, until 30 minutes ago, I burnt the hell out of my tongue from drinking hot soup.

It just hasn’t been that fun.

I guess that’s why I’ve been so boring and disconnected lately though, if you’re curious why I have been saying much for a while. That’s probably why I’m not going to say much this time either.

Maybe I’ll be back soon…

About My Last Deleted Post

Yesterday, I posted something about a certain group of people and I really shouldn’t have typed it. Even before I pressed the “publish” button, I knew that I shouldn’t single out a group of people based on where they’re from. It is not nice and it’s never a good idea. It’s even worse judgement on my part for taking the step of publishing terrible stereotypical garbage. I will be a little more careful in the future.

I know that I don’t have a free pass to say mean things about people of my partner’s cultural background. I know for a fact that everybody isn’t the same, and it the way I wrote what I wrote made it sound like I was making a point to bring out the negatives. Bad, Ben! Bad!

If you read it before I deleted it (because I left it up for about 8 hours), I am sorry for being so dumb and for being an asshole.

A general of mine is to be nice to everybody, regardless of where they’re from, what they believe in, etc. I moved away from the place I grew up in to get away from that. I shouldn’t become what I don’t like. (I do give people back home a hard time for being morons though, but if you went there, you’d see what I mean!)

It’s one of those times that I’m glad more people don’t read this. ๐Ÿ™‚

Anyway! What’s happening? I’m still sick. My throat is hurting a lot more. I’m coughing a lot more. I took a Benadryl about an hour ago. I really wish I could sleep this off. I’m being forced to be productive and I’m in a time period where I have no choice but to work through the pain and illness. I’ll be back soon with some better stuff. Much love to you all.