Nothing

I wrote stuff this week but didn’t post it. And here it is Saturday and I still don’t have much to say. I’m just a bit busy trying to get things done by Christmas, but it’s not looking very good.

I will say that I hate summer.

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well, and I’ll be back with some random thought in my head.

Perpetual Angst

Ah, what a lazy Sunday, or at least it’s supposed to be. I have to do some training stuff this week which I dread. That starts tomorrow. With just about everything new (not really new, just in a new place), my brain is working overtime and my stomach is in knots. My relaxing weekend wasn’t that relaxing and it passed really, really quick. I’m not even sure if I’m going to be able to sleep tonight, but I really hope so. I keep downplaying this anxiety, but it’s only working minimally. At any rate, I’ll do a good job.

The Scream by Edvard Munch, painted in 1893 (and my best friend’s favourite painting). Kinda how I feel in public sometimes.

The smallest, most insignificant things tend to stress me. When I was a kid, I swear to you I would have stomach aches almost every morning. I’d go to the school nurse who would just explain that I probably needed to use the toilet. I never went and I think that might have started my fear of public toilets. I don’t know. I just remember it being really annoying.

When I was older, it started happening almost every day of school. Then it hit me at college/university and threatened to stop me from going because it was getting so bad. It followed me into my work life where I take a lot of sick days because of that fear of the unknown. Sometimes I can ignore it and get on with my life, sometimes, I can’t and it’s really embarrassing when I’m somewhere and I’m shaking so bad and people start asking me why. I have to explain that I’m just really nervous and anxious. I hate that part of me. I hate not being able to write sometimes because I’m fogged over in this fear that I can’t explain. It really sucks.

Instead of focusing on that though, I have to say that I am doing better with it in a few ways. I am pushing myself to do more things, you know, like getting in front of people and talking. People tend to like my presentations and such because I make people laugh. I like that. What they don’t know though is how much will-power it takes to do it.

Last week, I had to get a blood serology done. I put it off for weeks because I absolutely hate getting blood drawn. I can’t stand it. My partner said he’d go with me the next week and I said okay. A few minutes later, I had a pep talk with myself and said to stop procrastinating. I went to do it a few minutes later. I still hated it and the decision to do it was exhausting, but hey, I did it… and I’m still alive.

I think I just need to go a little bit easier on myself because at the end of the day, I’m not a bad person. I don’t do anything illegal, I don’t be mean for the sake of being mean, and I don’t harm myself or anybody else. So I need to give myself credit for being someone who does good things. I just have that problem where I care for other people more than myself, and even then that goes very, very wrong.

So, yeah, I’d love to get rid of my anxieties and fears. I wish I could have enjoyed life without them because I want to do so much more and I’m regretful that I haven’t, but I can start now, am I right?

That’s what is in my head at the moment. I should look forward to tomorrow, being in a new environment and given a new set of problems to solve. I can do this. I will do this. I have to find a way to break the cycle.

Why Being Gay in Australia is Better than the USA

I don’t really intend to make this a weblog about marriage equality, but the excitement is still lingering for me and many other Australians. I was thinking about something though about being gay in the United States. The lawmakers in many states (and probably nationwide) are constantly thinking of many creative ways how they can make marriage equality a little less equal and etch discrimination into the laws to make it a lot less meaningful. They essentially think like “well, we have to live with it, but let’s make it as hard as possible for them, so we can still believe that our marriages are still superior”. So, you have all these lawmakers scrambling to allow states to remove benefits for same-sex couples and how to make it harder to get weddings done. I’ve already explained my stance on that, which is basically if someone isn’t going to put their whole heart and energy into my plans (because of who I’m with) then someone else will. Again, let me iterate that I don’t think that’s nice and under most circumstances, it shouldn’t be legal to withhold products and services from someone just because you don’t like them or agree with them.

Anyway, the point of this is that here in Australia, I don’t think I will be seeing much of the “waaaaah, I have to bake cookies for a newlywed gay couple” stuff like there is in the USA. But, I’ve also told many, many, many people here that whether they realise it or not, the USA (its people and laws) is deeply entrenched in religion. You don’t really see that until you’re American and go somewhere else that 100% guarantees freedom from religion (which I think is GREAT). (Even during Christmas, may I add: no one is whining about red cups. No one is bitching about people saying Happy Christmas or Happy Holidays. Do you know why? Because people have better things to do.) Also, people in the USA, or at least where I am originally from, are really eager to gag and choke others with their religion.

You can understand why it’s so difficult for me to want to go and live in the USA where a few years later, people still aren’t over the fact that people of the same sex can marry. The laws that the state governments and federal government make or change proves that. I don’t need to have my feet on US soil to see that. I hear it directly from people, not from “fake news” websites. It’s really sad.

Australia’s discrimination laws are so much better than the USA. You can’t do half of what some of the states in the USA can get away with. No one gives two shits about trans people using restrooms (tee-hee). No one can discriminate, COUNTRY-WIDE, based on sexual preference, gender identity, religion, etc. It’s all been law basically since I’ve been here. That’s because people don’t get their knickers in a twist. That’s why I love Australia. The marriage equality, which is law now, meaning people could get married today if they could, is just the icing on the gay cake baked by someone who doesn’t care who they bake a cake for. It’s just another reason why I love my adopted country like I do and always will.

I do think that there will be some “protections” happening in Australia at some point, but at least the government is actually looking into how things stand at the moment or in the distant future before any of those “protections” become law. (Discriminatory laws DO NOT AND WILL NOT PASS here, Americans.)

It’s kind of hilarious because people think I have this real hatred towards the USA. I’m always making points why life is so much better over here than here, but seriously, it is a great place to live and I’m honestly a lot more happier here, but home is where my family is and I don’t hate it. I dislike quite a few things about it right now, but when I have a chance to move back, I will. (I really wish I could just move everybody here.) The USA has given me a lot of great opportunities in the past and it was all I knew until I first came here. I’ve seen the other side of the fence and love it, that’s all. I wish the USA was more progressive and really wish that people would stop latching on to all their fears to vote in inexperienced, weak leaders who want to spend more time telling people what they can’t do to make themselves feel better. Oh well, hopefully one day people there will wake up.

Marriage Equality: Now in Australia!

Finally! Marriage equality has been passed in Australia. I’ve been telling people who I would be extremely surprised if it was legalised by Christmas like they promised. I thought that the debate in Parliament would have been much nastier and full of delays, but colour me surprised!

At the end, they were trying to push through amendments (some had no possibility of passing) but all were voted down. This included things that included civil celebrants (not the people in the church) to object marrying based on their religious beliefs and personal beliefs.

I’m a little split on my feelings about that. I wouldn’t really expect someone with strong religious beliefs to marry me with another man if they weren’t comfortable with it. I wouldn’t a fuss or go to Facebook and leave them really nasty messages. I’d let it go. What one person won’t do, someone else will. I think courtesy goes a long way. If someone isn’t going to make me a cake, then well, they just lost a sale and as long as they’re not nasty about it, it’s all good. I don’t want to be called names or feel like a terrible person when I’m wedding cake shopping. I don’t think religion should allow people to be assholes, which I am afraid would happen with some of the amendments.

So what’s in store for me regarding this? I’ve been waiting for this result for a while to determine what will happen in 2018 and have made a decision that I will most likely marry in Australia and celebrate it in the USA. Two separate events but I don’t know how big and/or small they will be. I have to work on that during my time off.

I’m still mentally processing what this means because I haven’t been in a country long enough where it’s legal. It scares me a little bit. There’s a lot of uncertainty (in my head) surrounding marriage. It’s something we’ve been chatting about lately. Every time something changes, I get a little more confused! Haha.

Anyway, HUGE congratulations for the win to the whole Australian LGBTI community.

 

Under the Tree

Totally not my tree… or presents…

Tonight, my partner’s working late, so I left the Christmas tree on for him to be able to see his way around. But you know something? It took me about 10 minutes to decide that I was going to do that. It was either the Christmas tree or a floor lamp in the corner. I kept going back and forth between the two.

I noticed something though. When the Christmas tree’s lights are turned on, it makes me think back when I was a kid and I’d fall asleep under the tree (and believe it or not, I never once knocked it over). I’d build houses out of the presents (never opened any, even on accident) and play with my toys. Those were some simpler times then. Now, I think about my mom, being back at her house, and just the general sadness I feel because I am not there spending the holidays with her.

I do miss her at this time of the year a lot and on my birthday, it hit me really hard. I was quite the depressed one so I slept for most of it. My partner was irritated with me because I didn’t decide where I wanted to go to eat during the day, so I just stayed home and slept. I was a sad guy and just hid from everybody for the night. The weather was garbage and I just wasn’t feeling it.

I’ve never been big on the Christmas holidays here. It hardly feels like Christmas to me. I remember one year, I just boiled some sausages/weenies and made hotdogs then played games. It wasn’t too bad. Other years, I just went to work.

In the USA, it’s always a really nice feeling on Christmas Eve and Christmas. I get sad when it’s over though, but it’s still nice. Then, New Year’s Eve comes and it’s like a party all over again! Even now, I’m getting homesick so I probably should stop. This is probably why I am always thinking of going back home to stay for good at this time of the year.

My Birthday is Wet and Tame

Another year rolls on over on the good old birthday clock today. Today’s my birthday and it’s really a crappy day as far as the weather goes. The weather in Melbourne is supposed to be really awful today. Luckily, I live about 50 miles (or 80 kilometers) away from Melbourne, so the rain hasn’t been that bad. It makes me feel a little bad because I’ve cancelled all my plans to go into the city and I don’t even think it’s raining here. However, I looked at the news and it’s already pretty gross, so I guess I’ll be attempting to be productive from home today. It’s been so hot lately that getting anything done has been really difficult and it has cooled off, so why not?

Something I feel is interesting is how my partner makes me stay up until midnight the day before my birthday. I’m usually in bed around 10 pm, so staying up isn’t a pleasant experience for me. I’ve always just waited until the day of my birthday around 6 pm to do the whole cake thing, but not here. It’s sweet, regardless. He acts more excited about it than me. Haha.

My mom is always reminding me that it’s not really my birthday today. I mean, well, right this second it’s still considered November 30th. She’s always quick to tell me that if I want to do it right, I’m going to have to wait until 5 pm later today (when it’s midnight in Texas) to start celebrating.

You know how I said I cancelled my plans? Well I am not doing much today. Part of the birthday present to myself is supposed to arrive today. I got myself some American peanut butter (it’s Jif… the American part is important since I don’t like the peanut butter here), grape jelly, and sugar-free strawberry banana Jello. The sugar-free part is important. I’ve always liked the sugar-free versions of Jello a bit more than I liked the regular Jello. I’m not sure why. I got it for $1 a box which is a really good deal in this country.

My partner had gotten me a Google Home Mini for my birthday which is really sweet. I really like that thing. It’s really handy. I didn’t name it Mini Willy. I think that it has a name like “Bedroom Speaker” or something which isn’t really true since I moved it out of my bedroom. I miss it being in my bedroom though.

So that’s it from me at the moment. I’m approaching the big 4-0 soon and getting back to the USA is nagging at me. I hope that I can get there soon, but as usual, it has to wait a bit. I am just not sure I can live away from Australia anymore. It’s a very hard decision.