Is it Fear of Commitment or Married Life?

Hi, weekend!

I’ve been spending time with friends in Melbourne because I don’t get much time to be social with them. Since I’ve moved, my time interacting with people over there have been quite limited. I met up with a friend of mine that I haven’t seen in a really long time and it was really nice. I was telling him about my upcoming plans for 2018 and how I’m supposed to get married mid-year.

Regardless of how sick I get that day, I’ll be there. (I’ve always had this really deep sadness for Miss Havisham. That lady got seriously mentally fucked by being left at the alter.)

He’s completing a degree in psychology, so it was pretty fun for him. He had me come by because he wasn’t sure if he was going to complete it or not and needed some feedback. After hearing about my “issues” he decided he’s going to finish it. I am a bit honoured but I’m also laughing at myself at the same time.

He said it appears that I get overly anxious when I talk about our wedding. I am, because I still don’t know what I’m doing, and the marriage thing is something that I want to do right the first time, and hopefully not have it fall apart. That’s the thing though, I feel like my relationships will fall apart. It’s not that they can fall apart, but they will fall apart, so I ask myself why should I do it or put a lot of effort into it? I am an odd one.

I think about 10 years ago, I accepted that something like this would never happen to me and my gay life was destined to be drifting from person to person (not in a slutty way though). The thought of being with someone who I love for the rest of my life appeals to me. I like that and I love this guy, of course. (It’s hard for me to say the word “love” to anybody, including my family, so that’s major.)

In so many ways I’m looking forward to it but in a few ways, I am dreading it. Some people who I know personally probably don’t believe this, but I absolutely hate being the centre of attention. It caused me a lot of grief when I even did my citizenship ceremony. It’s why I didn’t attend any of my graduations. It’s why I don’t do birthday parties. A wedding where I have several people looking at me? It has horror written all over it.

I have been getting really panicky about it. What’s more interesting is that it’s more than half a year away! I’m already dreading something that is so far away. This is what I deal with internally over just about everything. It makes me very tired, but it also makes me very sad. I haven’t been able to deal with this very well. I do make attempts to put myself in situations where I get what I consider unwanted attention. It is so hard to do, but I do it because I want this to get a bit better.

That’s why I get so anxious about it. I’m scared of the “ceremony” (EVEN if it’s just signing documents), not the results (the being married part).

I guess that’s what’s bothering me right now. A few times, I have just been on the very edge of really panicking. It’s really stopping things getting planned, I think.

I’m really not wanting to sound like some Tumblr drama queen or anything with 130+ problems. This is just something that I continuously struggle with. I hate it and shouldn’t focus on it, but it’s a real emotion that I think a lot of people struggle with.

So basically, it’s not a fear of commitment nor is it a fear of married life. It’s just the attention on the day–something I’m going to be thinking about constantly until it happens. I’m going to just try to deal with it though. He’s not going to be a jilted lover, meaning that I’m not going to show up. I’ll be there, but I’ll probably be barfing my guts up that morning. Some of the last words that my friend said that night was “Don’t you dare leave him at the alter or cancel at the last second.” That won’t happen. I do love the guy and I’ll work through the “pain” for him.

End of the Year Wrap-Up

Can you believe it? The year is almost done and 2018 is right around the corner. What a great time to make promises of stuff I’ll do, but probably break 2 weeks into the year? I’ve always been a big fan of making my goals so broad that they can definitely be accomplished, but rarely do I actually remember the checklist. My plans for 2017 included improving my main career branch, and I accomplished a lot. I’m quite proud of myself. 

What’s next year going to compromise of? Well, I have a lot going on next year. As many of you already know, the next year is when my wedding day will be. I actually have a date now which is good. It’s at a time when more of my partner’s family will be in Australia. Unfortunately, I know that it’s hard, if not impossible, for my friends and family to fly to Australia, so I am planning to do something special for them at the end of the year (assuming that my partner goes to the USA with me), or if that is too uncertain, I will just do an online thing (but still go to the USA at the end of the year, by myself). It’s not really what I want, but my partner’s year looks to be even busier and more expensive than mine. He’s starting new jobs, starting his PhD, and a few other things, so I’ll be a bit more understanding of his situation.

So when? I’ve added a countdown in the left column of my website. If you’re on a mobile device, it should be near the bottom.

The online stuff I am doing will be quite controlled, so if you know me well, and you want to see it, you’ll be able to request access to it when it becomes available. More about that later. (I’m building software that I need to do some testing for anyway.)

So what is my focus on next year? I think I just need to be better at my job. I want to be better, so I’m going to focus even more on what I want to do. I have some mental hurdles to jump over, but I have a bit more confidence that I can do it. That makes me feel a lot better knowing that I can do it. The training I’m going through at the moment is showing me that I can do a great job and connect better with people in a professional way.

I also need to love some of this gut fat. Over the past month or two, I’ve put on a lot of weight. Sometimes I think my partner likes to see that happen. I’ve been teasing him about his gut, but he seems to be content with it. Who knows. My gym membership needs reactivated, but will that really make me go back? (Hint: No.)

Merry Christmas to Everybody

I know I’ve said a dozen times that the holiday spirit isn’t something I do very well over here, but if you do the Christmas thing, I really hope that your holidays are full of love, blessings, Jesus, God, Santa Claus, unicorns, cheesecake, and all the other good stuff you like.

But anyway, Merry Christmas to you and your family. (I wouldn’t want to say “Happy Holidays” and get people’s panties in a knot.)

And no, I didn’t go outside and take the picture. It’s a picture of Christmas lanterns in The Philippines. I am not a Filipino (obviously), but I was in Manila one year right before Christmas and saw all the shops selling parol (Christmas lanterns) and it was really beautiful. Unfortunately, I don’t have any surviving photos of my trip there, so I “borrowed” this one. Sometimes, it’s really nice to see how excited Filipinos get about Christmas. I don’t know many here any

Communication is Key

I’m supposed to be doing stuff this morning, but as usual, my mornings are full of distractions (like my blog). I was talking to one of my best friends here yesterday, complaining about how flattened I feel, and just how exhausted I feel though I haven’t really done much to warrant that exhaustion. It’s a bit weird.

A lot of what’s bothering me is that the wedding’s happening next year. I tell people that I am a little apprehensive about it and really, I think that’s a normal thing. For every little argument that my partner and I have, I think “Gee, is this something I want to deal with later?” To me, the little arguments we have aren’t worth the fuss. It’s probably fair to say that I am very into the conflict avoidance thing. I just don’t see the point of wasting the time and energy arguing about things. I’m more about acknowledging what’s being argued about, compromising or admission that something isn’t right, then moving on. My partner, well, he’s argumentative. I’d really hate to say it, but he argues a lot with people but when he argues, his listening shuts off. It’s like he believes that the louder a person speaks, or the longer a person speaks, they will win the argument. I’m not so interested in the winning part. I’m basically interested in fixing problems part. He does come back after a while being more sensible but he really needs to just take the time, as soon as possible, to think things through and ask himself “Is this really worth it?” It takes a lot of energy dealing with this and lately, the energy wasted doesn’t even involve me! It’s with other people! He does this with other people, it’s not just me. He really needs to work on this because it’s extremely maddening and it’s not a good quality. To me, this is a major problem.

It sounds like I’m just having a go at him and complaining about it, but it’s more about communicating better. The communication can’t happen when the other person can’t get a word in, feels ignored, or feels like they’re not being listened to in the first place. Relationships aren’t perfect. I’m not perfect. He’s not perfect. I know all of this. Being able to communicate is important though, there’s no doubt about that.

We probably both need to work on communicating better. Don’t get me wrong, we do communicate but it’s just when he argues (with anybody), he shuts everything down and let his mouth run the show. I hope he’ll see that one day.

Holiday Spirit Struggles

Christmas in the summer makes me feel like decorating my tree like this. (My partner redid it…)

It’s getting closer to Christmas, and again, I don’t have that holiday spirit. Other than missing my family, I just don’t think much about Christmas in general. Summertime Christmases just aren’t my thing. It’s not especially hot around here or anything, but it’s just not here. If I had family around, it would probably be a bit different. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t even have a Christmas tree. I find it amusing that the only reason I have one is that my Hindu partner put one up in my house. Go figure that one out. I get a little more Christmas spirit in Australia around July which is a little incompatible with people here, so I get a bit down then. I’m sure people would put me in a mental institution for putting up a Christmas tree in July. Since I don’t get my Christmas in winters anymore, that’s when I’m planning my wedding events. (More on that at the beginning of the year.)

No amount of wrapped presents, food, or Christmas lights can change my feelings. If my family here, it would be better, but I’m sure I’d feel the same because of the heat.

I probably said all of this a billion times, actually. My birthday and Christmas in winter is a huge thing for me. I’m stubborn, so any deviation from that throws my brain off a bit. It doesn’t really hit me that it’s Christmastime here until everything closes for a week.

People are also assuming that I am in the USA right now for some reason. I guess it makes sense that I’d go back home, but I’ve noticed that going back home every year can get expensive and a little boring as well. Next year, my partner’s going with me and he’s never been. I’m a bit excited to show him redneck Christian country so he can understand why I am not that interested in living in that area anymore. It should be interesting to see how people react to him since there aren’t many South Asians there. It’ll be even more fun to explain that we’re married and that he doesn’t work at a convenience store. (Yeah, people hold on to racial stereotypes really badly there. They believe that all Asians are the same and work at the town’s Chinese buffet and there’s no chance they’ll be doctors, nurses, or anything else.) I don’t think it’ll be a huge problem though.

I’m a bit behind with my postings this month and there probably won’t be many. It’s just that time of the year. Nothing much is happening.


I wrote stuff this week but didn’t post it. And here it is Saturday and I still don’t have much to say. I’m just a bit busy trying to get things done by Christmas, but it’s not looking very good.

I will say that I hate summer.

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well, and I’ll be back with some random thought in my head.

Perpetual Angst

Ah, what a lazy Sunday, or at least it’s supposed to be. I have to do some training stuff this week which I dread. That starts tomorrow. With just about everything new (not really new, just in a new place), my brain is working overtime and my stomach is in knots. My relaxing weekend wasn’t that relaxing and it passed really, really quick. I’m not even sure if I’m going to be able to sleep tonight, but I really hope so. I keep downplaying this anxiety, but it’s only working minimally. At any rate, I’ll do a good job.

The Scream by Edvard Munch, painted in 1893 (and my best friend’s favourite painting). Kinda how I feel in public sometimes.

The smallest, most insignificant things tend to stress me. When I was a kid, I swear to you I would have stomach aches almost every morning. I’d go to the school nurse who would just explain that I probably needed to use the toilet. I never went and I think that might have started my fear of public toilets. I don’t know. I just remember it being really annoying.

When I was older, it started happening almost every day of school. Then it hit me at college/university and threatened to stop me from going because it was getting so bad. It followed me into my work life where I take a lot of sick days because of that fear of the unknown. Sometimes I can ignore it and get on with my life, sometimes, I can’t and it’s really embarrassing when I’m somewhere and I’m shaking so bad and people start asking me why. I have to explain that I’m just really nervous and anxious. I hate that part of me. I hate not being able to write sometimes because I’m fogged over in this fear that I can’t explain. It really sucks.

Instead of focusing on that though, I have to say that I am doing better with it in a few ways. I am pushing myself to do more things, you know, like getting in front of people and talking. People tend to like my presentations and such because I make people laugh. I like that. What they don’t know though is how much will-power it takes to do it.

Last week, I had to get a blood serology done. I put it off for weeks because I absolutely hate getting blood drawn. I can’t stand it. My partner said he’d go with me the next week and I said okay. A few minutes later, I had a pep talk with myself and said to stop procrastinating. I went to do it a few minutes later. I still hated it and the decision to do it was exhausting, but hey, I did it… and I’m still alive.

I think I just need to go a little bit easier on myself because at the end of the day, I’m not a bad person. I don’t do anything illegal, I don’t be mean for the sake of being mean, and I don’t harm myself or anybody else. So I need to give myself credit for being someone who does good things. I just have that problem where I care for other people more than myself, and even then that goes very, very wrong.

So, yeah, I’d love to get rid of my anxieties and fears. I wish I could have enjoyed life without them because I want to do so much more and I’m regretful that I haven’t, but I can start now, am I right?

That’s what is in my head at the moment. I should look forward to tomorrow, being in a new environment and given a new set of problems to solve. I can do this. I will do this. I have to find a way to break the cycle.

Why Being Gay in Australia is Better than the USA

I don’t really intend to make this a weblog about marriage equality, but the excitement is still lingering for me and many other Australians. I was thinking about something though about being gay in the United States. The lawmakers in many states (and probably nationwide) are constantly thinking of many creative ways how they can make marriage equality a little less equal and etch discrimination into the laws to make it a lot less meaningful. They essentially think like “well, we have to live with it, but let’s make it as hard as possible for them, so we can still believe that our marriages are still superior”. So, you have all these lawmakers scrambling to allow states to remove benefits for same-sex couples and how to make it harder to get weddings done. I’ve already explained my stance on that, which is basically if someone isn’t going to put their whole heart and energy into my plans (because of who I’m with) then someone else will. Again, let me iterate that I don’t think that’s nice and under most circumstances, it shouldn’t be legal to withhold products and services from someone just because you don’t like them or agree with them.

Anyway, the point of this is that here in Australia, I don’t think I will be seeing much of the “waaaaah, I have to bake cookies for a newlywed gay couple” stuff like there is in the USA. But, I’ve also told many, many, many people here that whether they realise it or not, the USA (its people and laws) is deeply entrenched in religion. You don’t really see that until you’re American and go somewhere else that 100% guarantees freedom from religion (which I think is GREAT). (Even during Christmas, may I add: no one is whining about red cups. No one is bitching about people saying Happy Christmas or Happy Holidays. Do you know why? Because people have better things to do.) Also, people in the USA, or at least where I am originally from, are really eager to gag and choke others with their religion.

You can understand why it’s so difficult for me to want to go and live in the USA where a few years later, people still aren’t over the fact that people of the same sex can marry. The laws that the state governments and federal government make or change proves that. I don’t need to have my feet on US soil to see that. I hear it directly from people, not from “fake news” websites. It’s really sad.

Australia’s discrimination laws are so much better than the USA. You can’t do half of what some of the states in the USA can get away with. No one gives two shits about trans people using restrooms (tee-hee). No one can discriminate, COUNTRY-WIDE, based on sexual preference, gender identity, religion, etc. It’s all been law basically since I’ve been here. That’s because people don’t get their knickers in a twist. That’s why I love Australia. The marriage equality, which is law now, meaning people could get married today if they could, is just the icing on the gay cake baked by someone who doesn’t care who they bake a cake for. It’s just another reason why I love my adopted country like I do and always will.

I do think that there will be some “protections” happening in Australia at some point, but at least the government is actually looking into how things stand at the moment or in the distant future before any of those “protections” become law. (Discriminatory laws DO NOT AND WILL NOT PASS here, Americans.)

It’s kind of hilarious because people think I have this real hatred towards the USA. I’m always making points why life is so much better over here than here, but seriously, it is a great place to live and I’m honestly a lot more happier here, but home is where my family is and I don’t hate it. I dislike quite a few things about it right now, but when I have a chance to move back, I will. (I really wish I could just move everybody here.) The USA has given me a lot of great opportunities in the past and it was all I knew until I first came here. I’ve seen the other side of the fence and love it, that’s all. I wish the USA was more progressive and really wish that people would stop latching on to all their fears to vote in inexperienced, weak leaders who want to spend more time telling people what they can’t do to make themselves feel better. Oh well, hopefully one day people there will wake up.

Marriage Equality: Now in Australia!

Finally! Marriage equality has been passed in Australia. I’ve been telling people who I would be extremely surprised if it was legalised by Christmas like they promised. I thought that the debate in Parliament would have been much nastier and full of delays, but colour me surprised!

At the end, they were trying to push through amendments (some had no possibility of passing) but all were voted down. This included things that included civil celebrants (not the people in the church) to object marrying based on their religious beliefs and personal beliefs.

I’m a little split on my feelings about that. I wouldn’t really expect someone with strong religious beliefs to marry me with another man if they weren’t comfortable with it. I wouldn’t a fuss or go to Facebook and leave them really nasty messages. I’d let it go. What one person won’t do, someone else will. I think courtesy goes a long way. If someone isn’t going to make me a cake, then well, they just lost a sale and as long as they’re not nasty about it, it’s all good. I don’t want to be called names or feel like a terrible person when I’m wedding cake shopping. I don’t think religion should allow people to be assholes, which I am afraid would happen with some of the amendments.

So what’s in store for me regarding this? I’ve been waiting for this result for a while to determine what will happen in 2018 and have made a decision that I will most likely marry in Australia and celebrate it in the USA. Two separate events but I don’t know how big and/or small they will be. I have to work on that during my time off.

I’m still mentally processing what this means because I haven’t been in a country long enough where it’s legal. It scares me a little bit. There’s a lot of uncertainty (in my head) surrounding marriage. It’s something we’ve been chatting about lately. Every time something changes, I get a little more confused! Haha.

Anyway, HUGE congratulations for the win to the whole Australian LGBTI community.


Under the Tree

Totally not my tree… or presents…

Tonight, my partner’s working late, so I left the Christmas tree on for him to be able to see his way around. But you know something? It took me about 10 minutes to decide that I was going to do that. It was either the Christmas tree or a floor lamp in the corner. I kept going back and forth between the two.

I noticed something though. When the Christmas tree’s lights are turned on, it makes me think back when I was a kid and I’d fall asleep under the tree (and believe it or not, I never once knocked it over). I’d build houses out of the presents (never opened any, even on accident) and play with my toys. Those were some simpler times then. Now, I think about my mom, being back at her house, and just the general sadness I feel because I am not there spending the holidays with her.

I do miss her at this time of the year a lot and on my birthday, it hit me really hard. I was quite the depressed one so I slept for most of it. My partner was irritated with me because I didn’t decide where I wanted to go to eat during the day, so I just stayed home and slept. I was a sad guy and just hid from everybody for the night. The weather was garbage and I just wasn’t feeling it.

I’ve never been big on the Christmas holidays here. It hardly feels like Christmas to me. I remember one year, I just boiled some sausages/weenies and made hotdogs then played games. It wasn’t too bad. Other years, I just went to work.

In the USA, it’s always a really nice feeling on Christmas Eve and Christmas. I get sad when it’s over though, but it’s still nice. Then, New Year’s Eve comes and it’s like a party all over again! Even now, I’m getting homesick so I probably should stop. This is probably why I am always thinking of going back home to stay for good at this time of the year.