The Semi-Irregular July Update

It’s been a while since I sat down and wrote a post here, so I thought I’d write at least something while I have a few minutes of extra time. Quite a bit is happening around me at the moment which would explain my absence from my weblog (and other messengers). I’m just closing up the first part of my training to become better at my primary job. It’s actually nice to get back into it full-time again, but it’s really exhausting. I am also back to shift work which means that I go in tonight, leave, then wake up about 6 hours later to start the process all over again. Not fun, but it comes with the type of work I do, so I can’t complain too much.

People Person

I realised that I probably isolate myself from people a lot more than I should. I think working in IT will do that to a person, especially when they work for themselves and work from home. I would just attend a meeting or two per week, and then that was most of my social interaction. At the same time, my main career was on hold and ignored. I do like what I do, but I think sometimes my anxiety and social anxiety likes to take over at times and it just makes me panic a bit. I’m trying so hard to bust through it so I can live a life where my gut isn’t all messed up all the time, and I can be a bit more of a social person.

New Technology

To support my ongoing work in IT, I decided to get myself one of the 27 inch iMacs (the ones with the 5k display). I haven’t had much time to sit around and mess with it though which is really, really hard for me because I really love getting stuff in the mail, and better yet, I love opening boxes with new computer equipment. I think the first thing I did was install Steam and Starbound. I don’t even think that I bothered updating anything else after I opened it. There really wasn’t too many software updates since this computer is basically a month from being released.

So far, so good. It’s so much easier on my eyes.

I still have my 24 inch iMac sitting on the floor and feel a little sorry for it. He’s 10 years old this year and it still works really well despite having to replace the hard drive and a sometimes-malfunctioning graphics card. I don’t know what to do with it yet. I did sell it to my partner for $150 but it’s nice to have around. I used it for the whole day over the weekend and it was really well-behaved. It made me feel bad that I was replacing him, but 10 years is a really good run, wouldn’t you say?

Upcoming Vacation

My partner and I are heading off to Mornington Peninsula after my training completes. We haven’t had too much time together since he’s been back, so this will be good. I keep getting a little snippy with him because of my workload and the fact that I need to do about 12 things at one time. He’s been really good to me and he’s done a lot even though he’s still a bit sore from his surgery. He takes care of me very well but maybe it’s not working the other way around right now. I expect to get back into the groove of things once things calm down around here.


So for now, that’s it. I still have a while to go, so hopefully I can post sooner. There are a ton of things on my mind which have the unfortunate side effect of knowing not what to say when I have so much to say. It makes it really hard. A lot of those things are just emotions and thoughts about people in general and I guess a little bit about my mental health too. I think sometimes it’s good to get those things out in the open, but right now, I just need to stay calm and collect those thoughts for another day!

An Unfortunate Delay

I’m a little behind with posting at the moment but will be back later in the week. I’ve just been incredibly busy. 

I hope you’re well and you’re taking all your vitamins–not just the gummy ones. 

I’m okay. Like, I’m okay, seriously. 

Frustrated by Silence

One of the downfalls about what I do, workwise, is that I can’t really talk about it here. It frustrates me a bit because there’s a lot of work- and study-related stress in my life right now. That’s why I haven’t really been here, because I’ve had to write in a journal every day as part of it, so by the time I finish, I’m not interested in writing anything here.

What I will say is that people sometimes piss me off. GOD I really wish I could say more here, but ethically and legally, I can’t. I will say that if a family member moves 1000 km away to be closer to you, you should at least look after them when they need it.

I’m going to have to leave it at that because I really want to leave my work life out of this blog. I’ll post something more upbeat soon, I’m sure.

Me vs Assertiveness

For a while, I forgot that I had a weblog! Oops. It’s a good thing because something’s been on my mind lately. And before I start, this isn’t targeting one person, or one situation, but it definitely seems to happen over and over.

Basically, I have a really difficult time being assertive. I think that’s one of those traits that I got from my “sheltered” childhood and my mother’s personality.

When I have to say “no”, this is how it feels.

I have a really hard time telling people things that I know will potentially upset them. So, I end up sacrificing a lot of myself to make other people happy. When I decide to make a decision that goes against what other people want, I end up feeling like shit and it starts to preoccupy my mind in a really bad way.

For example, I’ve known for several months that I will have to do training from Monday to Friday this month for at least 8.5 hours a day. I’m also doing it about 3 km/1.9 miles from my place, so I don’t have to do my usual 160 km/ 100 mile traveling every day. Right now, I am working/studying about 20 hours a week, not including the 10 hours a week (or more) that I spend traveling. What I’ll be doing this month will be quite laborious. A lot of physical work so by the time the weekend comes around, I will, understandably, want to relax and do absolutely nothing.

I know that sounds awful, but I really require some time alone or I’ll go insane. Due to the nature of this training and being in the public, I’m not going to get very much of that.

My partner is also still in India and coming back in less than 10 days (and I haven’t seen him for months), so I need to get my place clean and ready for him. I have to do that over the weekend because it’s my only “free” time. So things are pretty full-on for a while.

So for past week or so, I’ve been re-emphasizing that I’m super busy. I can’t say that it’s easy and I still feel like crap that I can’t do things with and for people this month, but it is what it is. Like yesterday, I had to argue with my friend (for 2 hours) that I can’t help him move more than 1 day this week and why next weekend is off-limits. It was very painful and exhausting.

And see what I’ve done here? I feel like I’ve had to explain my reasons why I’m too busy for the next month!¬†And even when I explain, no one believes me! This is what happens constantly. I end up feeling like a shit head because I am busy or need to look after myself during a time that is going to take me some time to adapt to. All I want is to do really well with my training, and to be able to spend time with my partner who I haven’t seen in a really long time. And this is temporary. It’s just a month-long craziness that I need to concentrate on and not have all this needless guilt in my head.

It’s so much easier said than done. I just lack assertiveness and I’m not sure how to get it without coming across as a total douche.