India in June?

I’ve already made the obligatory Easter post, but I guess I’ll just say “Happy Easter” again. So, Happy Easter… again.


Before I accidentally ruined the database for my weblog, I had talked a little bit about going to India sometime this year and didn’t think I would be able to go. I’m going to do my very best to go in a few months for about a week and a half. I wanted to go and stay for a bit longer than that, but I can see that it’s really important for my partner if I go, plus he’s having some surgery done while he’s there and I don’t want him to be “alone” for it.

I thought that it’s only fair since I am dragging him to Texas next year, but this is the big trip. I’m not moving back to the USA then, but it’s when I am planning our marriage (assuming that it’s still legal, because you know the people who make the laws are scared of change and I’m ruining so many marriages between two opposite sex people).

I keep thinking about how I want it to go. I know that we’re both simple we don’t want something too extravagant when it comes to the ceremony. We talked about having a big party afterwards. I kind of want to incorporate some of his culture into it since we’ll be in Texas and I’ll be exposing him to a nauseatingly amount of my culture to him while we’re there. I see pictures of the big weddings between two men (and one is Indian) and I kind of want that, but then again, I’m not much on being the centre of attention for anything (unless I’m drunk and I’m not going to be drunk for my wedding).

Before I know it, it’ll be here but I thought maybe I should go to India before I head home and do this big thing. I still have to meet his dad who I’m not really sure is too excited that his son is marrying me. I haven’t really had much interaction with him, it’s mostly been his mother who is a really, really sweet woman and who has shown me incredible amounts of kindness and love since I’ve been with my partner.

It’s important that I go there, if I can. There are a few things I need to do before I book the tickets. I have always wanted to go to India. I have to keep telling people that this isn’t a forced trip. I want to go and I am excited (and a little nervous/anxious) to go for the first time. I really want to go, but it’s a big question of if I can go since I have had to take a lot of sick days over the past few months. I’ll do my best because I think this is really a way for me to gain some kind of appreciation towards my partner’s culture. Plus, I want to eat a lot of food. 🙂

Kathakali performer, Thekkady, Kerala, India.

That’s what’s on my mind now. I’m wanting to go to India in June and want to start planning for a nice wedding reception. We’ll see. 🙂

As Much as I Want to Be Lazy…

Random photo. I have no idea why.

This is one of those mornings that it’s hard to start. I would normally be tempted to take the day off, but hooray for me, I have a doctor’s appointment (for immunization boosters and a flu shot) in a few hours which takes me a few hours to travel to, so I guess that’s what I’m going to do. It’s also right next to the place where I study, so I guess I’m going to pull myself up and go to both.

I’m lucky to be in a country where Easter is a 4 day thing (and a big deal), so I have a long weekend to look forward to and my regularly scheduled day off is tomorrow, so not a bad deal right? I mean, I might as well “get off my ass and on my feet”, as my dad used to say when he’d attempt to wake me up in the mornings.

This one is going to be shorter than usually because I’ll have to leave soon. Sorry for the last weird post. I feel a bit weird posting something like that but I guess it’s one of those things about sharing things about my personal life, right? It’s not why I’m gay, by the way. I am just who I am.

That picture animation is from this animation.

Creepy Uncle

Is it just me, or does every family have that creepy family member who, I don’t know, as a kid kinda made you sick to your stomach? Mine was my uncle on my dad’s side. He isn’t blood-related though. It was a match made in marriage.

Now, let me say first, because it’s a little important that this is an uncle who is very vocal against me being gay, living in a different country, and eventually marrying someone of the same sex. The last time I heard him talk about “the queer in the family” was at an aunt’s funeral. Yes, he said that at a funeral. I choose not to talk to him anymore, and to his wife for not speaking up about her brother’s son.

Yesterday, I was wasting time and watching YouTube videos and for some reason, a two-part episode of Diff’rent Strokes about the bicycle man and the overall grossness of pedophilia. This is kind of weird because I didn’t watch that show (I was too young) and Gary Coleman always irritated the piss out of me. Anyway, as I watched it, I noticed that the pedophile had quite a lot in common with my uncle. I’ve known for a long time that my uncle is a gross-ass fuck because of the sick shit he used to tell my sister.  He basically told her that he’d fuck her if she wasn’t his niece. Yeah… We hardly stayed over there after that.

For some unknown reason, he made it a point to have chats about sex with us. I mean, most of it was just the birds and the bees kind of stuff (as far as I can remember) but I distinctly remember him telling me that if I stick my penis anywhere besides a vagina, it’s called “queer man sex”. I also lied and said that I have done it–with a girl when I was like 14 or something like that so I wouldn’t look lame. Though I didn’t have sex with a girl (came close a lot of times, but didn’t), I didn’t do anything sexually until I was 19. He was always curious about how often I rubbed one out and junk.

What was creepy though is that this man would act creepy all the time. He might have thought I was gay, but he had no problem catching me in the pool, grabbing my swimming trunks, and throwing them outside the pool to make me get them. He would kinda just lean on the side of the pool and watch. God knows what he was doing over there and in fact, I didn’t know. He did that to me and some cousins of mine. The other cousins told their mom what a creep he was and they never went over there again overnight.

When he’d get out of the pool, he’d walk around with his dick tucked between his legs, again, not something you’d do in front of a 13 or 14 year old, especially one that you’re related to.

There were other things that he’d say or do that were pretty gross too, but I can’t remember what it was. Whatever he said (and says, I hear) is totally inappropriate and usually disgusting. I didn’t see him on my last 3 month trip to Texas, and I’m totally okay with that. I love my aunt, but I think she knows and knew what he was like but ignored it. I really feel sorry for his kids growing up because even one of them said some really fucked up things too which I won’t go into here since one of them is lawyer now.

Growing up and with my sister having kids of her own, I would never, ever, EVER want them to be put in any situation like that. You know, I didn’t want them to get to that point where they hate their uncle because of what a sick fuck he is. Kids shouldn’t be treated that way. No one, especially my sister, shouldn’t have to go through that kind of thing and in hindsight, I wished that my sister and I would have spoken up to our parents and police about it. We eventually told our parents about it much later which made them both hate my uncle even more and even to this day.

My childhood was a calm one except for this. I did like going over there before I became wiser because it was always a lot of fun being able to do whatever I wanted, but still…

I didn’t want to write about this just for attention or anything, but just looking back, there are a few things I wished I would have done to prevent the sick stuff that would happen. I can’t remember if anything more disgusting happened, but I don’t think it did. That’s not me trying to block it out, but I honestly don’t think he went that far. I think he probably could have, but he didn’t, thank God. Still, when you’re pulling swimming trunks off a boy and throwing them out, and being told to go get them, what the hell am I supposed to think???

I know I linked to the video above, but here it is embedded:

Blood, Needles, and an Irritable Bowel

Sorry for the lack of updates lately on anything “meaningful”. I’ve been a bit busy and my gut is doing some really nonsensical things as well. I’ve been blessed with a really sensitive stomach and I can’t tell you how many times that I say, sometimes aloud, that I wish I could just sell my gastrointestinal track on eBay or something or trade it for something that actually works.

From when I was around 5 years old, I remember having a problem with my gut. I’d be sent to the school nurse so many times in the mornings because my stomach constantly got cramps. Their solution was just sitting on the toilet until I pooped. I that’s when I realized that I had a really big phobia with public toilets.

Then, all through my childhood and adolescence, I had the exact same problem. Most mornings, I’d have a big pain in the gut almost every single day. Fast forward to my adult life, and it still happens. Except now it gets really, really bad before job interviews or meetings in general. Hell, it happens even before I go to work, a lot. I take a lot of medicines just to keep it calmed down so I don’t have to live sitting on the toilet. I try not to take that much medication, but finally bit the bullet and talked to my doctor today who gave me a prescription for a medication for irritable bowel syndrome. Hopefully that will quash it when I need it. However, if it doesn’t work, I’m supposed to go back and try something else because I can’t live my life everyday with a stressed stomach. I’m pretty upset that I’ve gone this far without doing something about it.

I honestly think that I let stress get to me so that’s why it happens. Stress though, for me, is what most people take for granted. I can totally stress myself out over the most trivial things like what I’ll have for breakfast the next morning or the possibility of me being late to ANYTHING. It doesn’t matter what it is, even if there’s like a 0.03% chance of it happening.

Totally not me. I don’t wear a tie unless I’m forced to.

You can imagine what I am like before blood test results. Hell, you can imagine what I’m like after I get blood taken and have to WAIT for those results. It’s really irritating. (It’s even worse when the doctor’s office loses those blood test results, like what happened today.)

Good news is that my HIV check was clear. There was actually no reason for me to worry about that, but of course I stressed myself overthinking that. (Even with my first test when I had never had sex, I stressed over it. Of course, I told the doctor that I liked men so that automatically warranted an HIV check, even though I told him I liked men, but didn’t have sex. He did tell me thanks for telling him that. And I was like, yeah sure. I’ve always been totally honest and upfront with my doctors.)

Facing a Fear Out of Desperation

Do you have those days where you’re afraid to move because you have a feeling that everything that can go wrong will go wrong? That’s the best explanation of my day so far.

I woke up this morning (at 4 am) with a bit of stomach pain so I was like well, what the heck, I can fix this. I took some medicine for stomach cramps, drank peppermint tea, and took peppermint oil capsules just so it would stop. It was still nagging by the time I left. So I walked to the train station, which takes me about 20 minutes, got on the train and sat down.

Stomach continued to give me trouble.

I got to the next station and told myself that it’s not too late to go back now. I could still make it back home without much effort. No, can’t do that because I have important stuff to do and it really wasn’t that bad. The train arrived to the next station and my gut was bothering me even more. Fabulous. I think I was starting to look pretty terrible because a lady kept looking at me. Finally, I got to the point where I couldn’t handle it anymore and…

…went to the restroom. The restroom on the train.

Anybody who knows me knows that I have a really big fear of public toilets. Like, I would rather explode than sit on a toilet. But it was either travel for the next hour smelling like shit (either way), or stink up the restroom. My mind was racing and I just had to put that aside because, yeah, it wasn’t going to wait.

I pretty much spent the whole morning on the toilet–on a public toilet. I still feel incredibly violated. Scarred for life. But most of all, I felt very dirty. I still feel dirty.

Because my immunisations and blood tests need a little bit of love, I thought I’d pass the doctor’s office and get a blood serology to see what exactly immunisations I need. She said – oh, we can do this today if you want. I was like, um, I’m a bit busy this morning. She suggested the afternoon. So, I said yes. Right now I am waiting for that.

So I haven’t really eaten much and I feel dehydrated still after drinking a bottle of water. I’m not really in a mood to be poked with needles, not that I ever am in the mood, but it has to be done. After this, I am going back home and I’m crawling into bed. J had a super early morning too (but I had to wake up earlier). Maybe I’ll have some company by the time I get back.

So that’s my shitty morning and I’m afraid to see what the rest of the day has planned for me. I really wish now that I didn’t live an hour and a half away from where I have to work and study. I’m just too tired to deal with it today.

Oh, and by the way, I not only stunk up one restroom, I stunk up two of them. That’s okay though because it was worth it.