I’m So Sleepy

As always, I usually have a little more to add to my podcast recordings. If you’ve listened to my last podcast episode (or any of them, really), you’ll know that I have a big problem with anxiety. You’ll also know that I’ve been taking some steps to get that managed.

I’m happy now that I can concentrate on things and not feel like I have 200 worrying thoughts enter my head at the same time. I can now remember things a lot better (because before, I’d be so distracted that I couldn’t absorb much at a time). I’ve been getting a lot more done every day. It’s really nice.

Unfortunately, the medication I’m taking is making me incredibly tired. It’s a bit strange. You know how sometimes you wake up during the night and then fall back asleep? I feel like I am doing that, but my body refuses to go to sleep. I’m very, very lightheaded and it seems like it’s getting worse every day. I’m just quite weak.

Like, right now, it’s almost 8:45 am and I feel like I want to go back to sleep but no matter how much I want to, I can’t. I woke up at 7:00 am. I’m still waking up really early even if I don’t really have to.

I knew that this may happen so that is why I’ve taken some leave from work. I didn’t really know it would be this severe though. I really hope my body can get used to the effects of being on a new medication, or I might have to try something else (and have to miss more work).

Birthday Sweetness

Another year has passed. I’m officially at the last year of my 30s and I guess that’s okay. I should be thankful that I have gotten this far in life. Some people don’t even get to this ripe old age.

I usually go crazy around this time with my birthday freebies, but since I live in an isolated town, they’re not available. I’m really going to miss that free burrito and huge margarita. I am not about to travel 5 hours to get free food, so I’m staying in.

My husband makes me stay up until midnight the day before so I played Elder Scrolls Online and Fallout 4 until really late. I spent a lot of my time yesterday in front of a screen so I started to get a really bad headache around 9 pm or so. He made (or assembled) a cake for me while I was busy coding on my podcast software project.

I’ve always liked the cakes that I can pick things off and eat it. He totally gets me in that way. I looked at it and was a bit confused, but he’s really sweet.

I got up this morning and found a card from him that said “husband” on it. I haven’t really gotten anything with that on it yet, so I was a little surprised. It’s mostly because I forget that I got married.

So, today, I’m going to go out in this hot weather (I hate when it’s hot on my birthday…) and do a few things. Here’s hoping for a great year ahead as I head into my 40s. I can’t believe sometimes that I’ve had an internet presence since I was around 16. Incredible!

Disappearing Incompletely

Hi everybody.

You may or may not have listened to the last podcast episode. If you have listened to it, you’ll know and understand why I’ve been away. I have a little more to add to that. If you haven’t listened to it, let me tell you what I’ve been going through for the past few weeks. These posts are always really difficult for me to write, mostly because it sounds extremely close to what I talk about in my podcast.

I’ve been away for a while because I am really struggling with my dangerously high levels of anxiety and starting my new job. I basically cannot function at the level I need to at work to do my job(s) effectively and that scares me quite a lot. I tend to overthink and worry about the smallest things. After one thought finishes making a round in my head, another comes. They never stop lining up. That’s a calm day. The way that my brain has been going lately though, it’s constant and these thoughts (usually very negative ones) and worries come several at a time. It makes concentrating so hard.

I am not just sitting around doing nothing about it. Like I said in TIP #17, I have an initial doctor appointment set up and I’m using an app called Woebot to get rid of some of the negative thoughts and feelings i have which, in my opinion, are leading me to a life of high blood pressure and fear. My partner has been a very big part of my getting better and he’s been awesome. I don’t think there’s anything he wouldn’t do for me. He’s been absolutely fabulous and I’m lucky to have such a supportive and loving husband.

I will get better. I know that for sure. Just by talking about it here and in my podcast is therapy enough. You might have noticed that my demeanour changed slightly from the beginning of it to the end. That’s because I talked about it.

Talking about feelings is probably something that men to do more of because whether we want to accept it or not, we have certain emotional needs and wants. We can’t just ignore them and keep building up all this sadness, anger, stress, etc. We need to get these things out and you know what? Sometimes we need help–and that’s okay. That’s perfectly fine.

I will be stronger and I know that I can do it. It will just take some time, and again, a little extra help.

Take care of yourselves, everybody. 🙂

The title was originally “How to Disappear Completely”, a Radiohead song from Kid A. I don’t want to disappear completely though. I want my anxiety to go away or to be manageable at least.

Off Having Adventures

Hello! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? (My podcast episode posts are usually done in advance, so it’s been a while since I’ve written anything new.)

I’ve gone away for a while and I have a new job, so I’ve been a little preoccupied. I plan on recording new material next week.

I’ll admit that I go silent sometimes when I’m a bit sad or depressed, but lately, I’ve just been off on new adventures. I’ll be telling you about the cool people I’ve been hanging around, the things we do, and the places we go.

As I’ve said before, small town living really isn’t so bad. It’s been pretty cool so far.

New Job!

Hello everybody!

A bit of news from me that you probably won’t get until sometime in November is that I have a new job. I just have to get some administrative stuff done, and then I start. 

I don’t remember if I’ve actually mentioned this in any podcast episodes or not and if I did, you probably wouldn’t hear about it until mid-November.

I don’t really expect there to be many changes to the way I do things here because I live about 10 minutes by walking away from work. If I drive, well, it’s about two minutes away. I might just get lazier with posting or, record a little sooner before I post (which would be a good thing).

I’m looking forward to getting back into what I used to do. Exciting stuff, but first, just need to get some checks done and a medical exam.

See you guys soon!

Remembering Dad Today

This isn’t something that I like to bring up, because I’ve told people that I’d much rather remember someone’s life rather than their death, but about 9 years ago, my father passed away very suddenly, about a week after I went back home to Texas with the intention of moving back to the USA.

There are a few posts on Facebook that made me remember my dad’s passing away. I saw a lot of “memories” where people were posting really sweet and caring messages to me.

During that time of my life, I had been really depressed already and by the time I got to the USA, I was already taking some pretty strong anti-depressants so I wouldn’t be constantly unproductive, sad, and feeling miserable all day. When my father passed away, I appeared to take it quite well, I guess you could say. The medications I had to take kind of numbed everything and made me appear to be mostly unaffected by his passing away. I guess you could say that those medications helped me appear to be strong when my mom and sister were having a really hard time.

Now that I am unmedicated, I think back about how that appeared to people. It’s something I think about a lot. But even before I got off the medications, I made a decision not to mourn constantly over his death, but to remember how well we bonded in my adult life. Yeah, my childhood wasn’t full of pleasantness, but he really made an effort when I was older. He apologised for not being the best dad, and you know what? That’s perfectly fine. I am happy with that.

I do miss the guy a lot. I miss going back home and dealing with t his craziness that I didn’t really get until I was older. He was full of wisdom that I ignored when I was a rebellious teen. You look back and appreciate those things. As I type this, I’m not sad or crying, but I’m appreciative of what I had when he was still around.

I also still dream about him which also makes me happy. There are a few times where I have gotten really sad in my dreams, but the rest of the times that I dream about him, it’s been really nice. I might sound crazy, but that is my way of remembering him and reminding myself that someday, somewhere, and somehow, I’ll see him again. I’m content with that.

That’s what I’m thinking about at the moment. I don’t know it would go if I talked about it in a podcast episode, so I’ll just put it here. I’m just remembering my dad and the good times I’ve had.

I just don’t think that it’s nice to remember death dates. I probably wouldn’t have remembered this if I didn’t look at Facebook today and/or yesterday.

It Will All Be Okay (I Hope)

As you could see, I’m in the middle of moving things around so I haven’t had much time to post here. We’re just waiting for our utilities to get connected before we move, so I’m staying mostly with my partner’s family. I thought that it would be good to get as much of the family living thing as I can get before I move. A lot of you know that I have been struggling to come to terms with the fact that I need to move and with only a few days left in the Melbourne area, I’m starting to really feel it.

I used to complain a lot about the place where I’m living because, really, it’s not in Melbourne. It’s about an hour and a half away from Melbourne and, to me, it’s a little isolated. It’s not too terribly bad but I had lived in Melbourne and it’s suburbs mostly while I’ve been here. I still want to go back and live there, but I think of it this way: I can either be forced to work my ass off to pay for a place to live, or I can live a little further away and have a little extra money to feed my addition to mints and electronics. I haven’t been able to save much while I’ve been away from Melbourne though because I’ve been doing training stuff (which I am not being paid for, may I add). Since I found out where we’re moving to, I started thinking maybe the current city I am living in isn’t really that bad, you know?

I think that living in a rural area will help me save money and appreciate the city more when I get to go there. I will be living walking distance from the place I’ll be working (and my partner will be working at the same place doing a different job). Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), the place we’ll be living is a bit slow and boring. I can’t just jump on a train and go to Melbourne anymore. Melbourne is where all my friends live and I’m not really sure that I will be able to find other people like me (cough cough gay) to relate with where I am moving to.

I only have a few more days until I move away and I don’t think I have all the time to do the things I want to do before I move over 4 hours away. I guess I’ll be fine though, since this is supposed to be a temporary move anyway. I keep trying to tell myself that, but the move where I am currently living, or the place I’m moving from, was supposed to be temporary too and I spent a lot longer there than I expected.

I am a little anxious and scared to go away, but this is stuff we already know. I just need to look at the positives though. I will be saving money from being so bored all the time and work being so close. The rent is cheaper. I won’t be alone. I think I’ll be fine.

Stuff Moving Day

It has begun. Today is the day we have moved all our stuff out of our place. A big truck is bringing all our stuff about 300 km away to the new place as I type this. Through movers were quite nice, friendly, and professional at least.

I’m sitting here in an empty place and it’s just a little sad.

So empty. It’s always a bit depressing when you have to move. It’s extremely depressing when you have no furniture or computers. I know. First world problems.

I might be limited at what I can do until I move next week.

Further Updating

Sorry I haven’t been in touch much while I’ve been gone. You know how it is. I just thought I’d drop a note to let you know that I am doing fine and my vacation is coming to a close soon. I know I’ve said I’ll be gone longer than that, but once I get back home, it’s full-steam ahead to packing the house and moving away. We have a lot to do in the upcoming few weeks. I’m a bit sad thinking about moving and I’m still a bit sad about my dog.

Since I plan on talking about my trip to India in my next podcast episode, I thought that I’d share some feelings here.

I’ve done some searching on Google about where I’m moving to. Let me tell you, there isn’t shit to do. There are no gyms, no pools, no KFC, no nothing. It’s very isolated. I am assuming that I am going to be going to other places a lot. One of my biggest issues is getting my partner to get off his feet and onto hiking paths and stuff. That’s what I like to do but getting him to go for the past three years has been impossible. I wanted to spend some of my time here in India doing that, but no such luck. Maybe next time?

I’m wondering, besides work, how am I going to fill my time? What am I going to do? Where am I going to go? Who am I going to socialise with? How am I going to stop myself from getting any fatter? I should have some answers within the next month. I hope I do, at least.

I haven’t really told people in Melbourne that I am moving even further away. I’ve told some people, but not everybody.

I think mostly that’s what I’m feeling not sadness, but a bit dread. I probably need some positivity (from myself) about moving. We’ll see!

OK, I will go now, and as always, I hope that every single one of you are doing well!

RIP, Andy

I haven’t really said anything for a while but rest assured, I have not accomplished anything much in the last few days. There hasn’t been anything recorded or anything like that. In case you weren’t able to read my Twitter feed, I’ve had a rough week. My MacBook Pro decided that it was going to bite the bullet and stop working. (I think the hard drive finally failed after a really rough run. The thing’s been giving me trouble since I got it.) And secondly, my dachshund in Texas had to be put to sleep over his irreversible health issues. He was suffering a lot by that time, and the last time I saw him, the poor little guy seemed like he was having a lot of issues. I’m just really sad right now about it and it’s put me in a bit of a funk over the week so much that my husband and his family have been asking what’s wrong. I finally told them.

I got a playful dachshund puppy Andy (who I named Andrew–I totally believe in giving dogs people names) in 2003 in the spring. (His birthday on his certificate was 14 March.)

I loved my little puppy so much, really. I went to the farm (it was a real farm, not a puppy farm) to pick up a puppy. I had already picked one of them out but there was this puppy who ran up to me excitedly and brought me a ball. I threw it. He brought it back. I decided that he was the one that I would bring home instead. I got him home and he still wanted to play ball. In fact, he wanted to do this constantly.

I also thought that this would be a dog that wouldn’t sleep in bed with me but I’d put him into his kennel but that never went very well. I let him out and eventually he won that battle. He was always really good to sleep next to. Really warm, really still and when I was ready to get out of bed, he’d be there right with me ready to eat breakfast. (My parents kept this up with him until his last days. As he got older, he’d eat, then head right back to bed.)

This dog loved the water. He loved to swim and my parents had a pool that he’d swim in. You could throw his ball into the pool, and he’d go fetch it. He’d get out, and you’d throw it, and he’d get it. I’d regularly take him swimming when I finished mowing the grass and he loved it.

The bad thing though is that he’d chase his ball until he’d get completely exhausted. When he’d recover, he’d want more.

I got him a toothbrush but he grew to hate that thing for some reason. I would take it and say “here, let me brush your teeth” and he’d move his head out of the way. It was pretty funny.

He ate his fruits and vegetables like a weird dog.

I could bring him places with me and hold him, and he’d behave. He’d let people pet him (and then he’d try his hardest to get them to play ball with him).

I could bring him in the car with me and he’d be well-behaved. He always wanted to sleep on me while I drove. He’d sleep curled up in my lap or with his head on my shoulder. He was so happy to go anywhere. I loved to bring him everywhere with me, if I could. He was well-behaved on the leash as well.

He barely showed any anger towards me at all except when I told him I was going to bite something on him like his ears, legs, feet, or nose. Then he’d make the scariest face and sneeze a billion times. He never bit me though.

I could say “Who is it?” and he’d start barking. Or I would say “bark bark” and he’d start barking. Or “tell me” and he’d bark. He was quite vocal about what he wanted, even when it was mostly for someone to get his ball. We had to keep it out of reach or he would completely exhaust himself or get it caught under something and injure himself.

For most of my early adult life, this dog was one of my best friends (and I’d tell him that, because you know, he should know). When I was about to move to Australia, I was going to bring him with me but I couldn’t face what I’d feel like if I made him fly for 20+ hours and then be stuck in quarantine for a few months. So my parents adopted him. I knew they’d take care of him, though I would get quite upset to see him get fatter when I would come back home.

It was hard seeing him grow old. I just didn’t know whether I would see him for much longer on my last trip so I spent some time making some videos and taking pictures of the little guy.

It’s hard losing a pet and since my mom has had him most of his “adult life” I know making the decision she did wasn’t an easy one. I really feel for her and I was worried that she might think that I’d get upset for her making that decision. I loved Andy a lot but I don’t think I would want to prolong his suffering either. I am sure it took a lot of courage to do it. So, I can’t be mad or upset with her. I’ve had a dog live to be 20 years old and it wasn’t pretty. I wouldn’t wish that on another animal.

I wish pets could live forever but nothing lives forever, and over the years I am understanding that a lot more now. So rest in peace, Andy/Andrew/Mr Weens. I will miss you.

I’m still really sad. I am sadder now that I had to find a picture of him.