A Break in Silence

Good morning to all of you.

I have been a bit quiet on all fronts lately. I haven’t posted anything here. I haven’t recorded any new podcast episodes for a while. I haven’t done much of anything on my side projects for a while. I’ve been mentally preoccupied with work-related stuff and honestly, it’s not good.

There are times where I just think I should just stop doing things because I’m no good at it. My writing is horrible now. My podcast quality, to me, has never really been of great quality and it isn’t that interesting. The Complicated Noise website has been giving me headaches lately and I’m tired of working on it. That’s a bad thing because I’m supposed to move this journal over at some point. I thought about getting started, but it’s just not going well. I am having a really hard time getting started. I think I just don’t care. That’s not good.

I thought about streaming retro game play this month but didn’t do that. Again, no interest. I’m playing some games, but not live streaming it because it’s just hard to care enough.

There’s a lot that I’m neglecting and I think that all this self-isolation has a lot to do with it. Even my medications aren’t helping me cope as well anymore. I’m back to being really sick of my job and wanting a change. My studying is going nowhere because I’m finding that online study isn’t something that I’m finding doable. There’s just a ton of stuff happening and I’m struggling to cope with it all.

I’m sure I’ll get to a place where I can cope though. I’m not at the hopeless point. I doubt I’ll ever get to that point. I just need to rethink things. I would say that I need more socialisation but… it doesn’t change the fact that I can only handle small doses of chat and I don’t like talking on the phone.

Anyway, my whining session is almost over. I’m not quitting any of these things, but just taking it slow while I get my brain back into working order.

Everybody take care of yourselves! I’ll do my best to do the same.

Double 20

Ah, 2020 is upon us and here I am celebrating my 40 years on this planet. I haven’t been feeling that great so my husband and I haven’t been able to spend any close time together (because I don’t want to get him sick). I have been really absent on social media, and well, that’s okay.

Again, this year is going to be spent doing some serious self-improvement, career-wise.

I’ve been thinking about what changes I’m going to make in order to make that happen, and there a few things swirling around in my head. I keep thinking that this will likely be the last year of my weblog. I was thinking about letting everything go, and a few days before my hosting and domains expired, I renewed it all.

I thought about streaming games for a while, but I am questioning whether I even want to do that. I’ll give it a go, but if I find that I don’t have the time to do that and my podcasting junk, then I’ll just let them go.

Sad to start off the new year with such thoughts, but it’s what’s happening in my head. I’m just at a state of disinterest. I have been for a few months.

Things can change though, and sometimes they do, but I don’t think Idiologic is going to survive post-2020.

Anyway, I hope that everyone has a fabulous 2020! Make it great!

Midpoint

I’m about halfway through my vacation in the USA now. Time passes by so fast and in so many ways, that’s pretty scary. Incredibly, I am not really sick of being here yet. I know in my podcast, I say some pretty terrible things about where I was raised, but it has a bit of charm about it and my family here as well, and that’s what’s most important to me. I just want to be around and spend a bit of time with them while I can.

If x = the date I arrived, and y = the date I’m leaving, then we’re approaching the midpoint…

It’s been nice so far. My husband arrives in a few days for a few weeks so I think that will be pretty exciting in itself and maybe when he’ll leave, I’ll be ready to return to Australia, but I’m not so sure this time. It feels like every time I come back, it’s harder to go back to Australia however I know if I stay here, I will start to miss the charm of Australia. So, it’s a no-win situation.

When you’re a dual citizen or live so far from where you grew up, It’s a bit hard because you want to be here, but at the same time, you want to be in the place where your life is. It’s hard. It’s always been hard. Even if the people around here bug the crap out of me sometimes, I think it would be doable.

Some of my time has been spent thinking about sticking around but because I’m married and settled in Australia, it just complicates things ever so slightly.

Two Years of Marriage Equality in Australia

Two years ago, on this date… well, not really because I’m about 17 hours behind or something, marriage equality was made law in Australia. Time sure does fly. I thought I’d reflect on that a little bit and share a little bit of a story with you about my marriage.

One of the things that my partner and I made clear is that we didn’t want to end up in something that would run its course in a month or two, then fade away. I told him that I was still a little jaded by a certain previous relationship and I think it would take some time for me to come to the realisation that I would ultimately want something long term. I still have an aching feeling of mistrust sometimes and it’s not because of who he is, but what I’ve gone through in that particular relationship.

When we first got together, it was great and I found myself to be pretty happy and wanting to be with or around this person all the time. One of the things we realised is that we attended the same university and so we’d sneak in lunches and things together when we could. I also told him that he’s welcome to stay with me on his early days because he was living about an hour and a half away from the university, whereas I was about 2 or 3 suburbs over from the university.

I guess things were pretty solid. Then, while I was here in the USA, I got a video of him proposing to me (on Valentine’s Day–too predictable if you ask me). I watched it and thought about it for a few days. I told my closest family members and my friends and I had to explain that it was about 8 months after we met and I am a little weirded out about getting married so early.

I eventually said yes, but to buy myself time, I said that we probably should wait a while and test the water a bit before we dive in. That wait ended up being a few years. Because…

I finally realised that I was getting older and who knows if this opportunity of a lifetime would happen again. I think that my family members probably didn’t want to see me alone and well, I didn’t want to be alone. Being single has it perks, but sometimes I just crave someone to lay my head on at night. I also told him that we’d go to New Zealand, where, at the time, same-sex marriage was legal. I started thinking that I don’t have an emotional attachment to NZ, so if I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t do it there. Then, I said we would do it when we go to the USA together. (I time my visits every 3 years now, so it would have been a wait, but at least I could get people to attend.) I know my partner was starting to get a little impatient and I think he was thinking that I was just going to disappear one day. Then, I finally said, let’s do it in Australia if and when it becomes legal. When it does, and we haven’t done it yet, we’ll get married in Australia.

Well, the debates were getting hot and it looked like it was going to happen. I had to have other people surveyed to see whether my relationship was valid enough to get married or not. Well, the Australian people spoke and said ‘yes’. A few months later, we were taking our wedding photos and planning for a very small ceremony in Melbourne.

In July 2017, it happened. And it’s been great. I am so incredibly happy and proud of the man I married and even happier because I got to do it in the country I love. (I love the USA too in its own way, don’t get me wrong, but my life had almost entirely shifted to Australia.)

And so, we’re going on two years of marriage now and about 5 years of being a couple. It’s been a great few years. My mental health is a lot better being with this guy who, strangely is a mental health warrior. Every day I feel so lucky being with someone who I don’t fully ‘get’ all the time, but he’s been an adorable, wonderful guy regardless. I freakin’ love him to bits and can’t wait until he’s here on US soil.

So yes, two years of it being law. I hope anybody who reads this who fought for the right to marry someone of the same sex in Australia knows how extremely thankful I am for the opportunity and for working so incredibly hard to make it happen.

Birthday

Another birthday has come and gone. I’m officially the big 40 now so I feel like this is probably the best time for me to rethink what I’m doing with my life–where I am now, and where I want to be going later. I feel like maybe now is the time to finally start acting like a mature adult instead of a forever-struggling 20 year old. It’s just incredible that I made it this far, honestly. For a while there, I thought I’d never age. Getting older is unavoidable.

I don’t want to go into too much detail about how my party went because I try to save that stuff for podcasting. I haven’t recorded it just yet.

It’s really nice being back home at this time of the year. I love the holidays back in Texas. I just recently got over my jet lag so I’m trying to get out a bit more now. I still don’t want to drive during the day because I’m still in Australia-mode driving-wise. I tried driving on the wrong side of the road and then realised what I was doing. That’s the bad thing when the traffic isn’t so bad. You don’t have any hints of where you’re supposed to be on the road.

I also took a short little trip around the university that I used to go to here. A lot has changed.

Anyway, I hope everyone reading this is doing well. 🙂 Take good care of yourselves. I’m going to try to post more this month. There are a lot of things in my head–a few of them I can’t post here or anywhere for that matter. Nothing gross or creepy, but just feelings.

Bye for now! 🙂

Watching Rings

Hi there, everybody. I’ve been incredibly busy lately so I haven’t been very active on here or any other social media account. I can assure you that I’m alive. Last week, I even recorded a really interesting podcast episode. In one of those very rare instances where I go back and listen to it, I’ve noticed that there was some really awful static in some places so I’ve decided to hide it from the general public. I’ll record a new one either tomorrow or Thursday.

Since we’ve chatted, I’ve been trying to work a bit more. I know this sounds awful, but for me to pay for the things I want, to pay my bills while I’m in the USA, and to pay bills… now, I need to work at least two days per week. I’ve been trying to go beyond that when I can, just in case. With a few of my extra days I’ve worked, I’ve bought myself a shiny new Series 4 Apple Watch and I’ve been pretty happy with it so far. I didn’t see a need to talk about it on an episode.

One of the things I said a long time ago is that if I got one, it would encourage me to exercise more. Well, it’s hasn’t really had that effect. I do move around a bit more to shut it up and to stop it nagging me. I figure once I move away from where I’m living, I’ll head back to the gym. (There isn’t one in the town I live in, so it makes things really difficult. I know I can exercise, but I’m so much more inclined to do so at a proper gym.)

I end up closing 2/3 rings. I close the stand up for a minute every hour ring and the burn kilo Joules/calories ring. Exercise? Not so much.

I also decided to not get the one with cellular service because sometimes I don’t really want to be contacted. When work calls, I sometimes don’t want to know. I’ll watch them call and leave a message. Then I anxiously listen to my voicemail or call them back and they’re like “Can you come to work in 30 minutes?” Sometimes I just don’t want to go to work. I haven’t passed up many opportunities to stay home lately, but sometimes I need a break. (Today’s one of those days. I go back tomorrow.)

That’s what’s happening now. Just working. It’s oddly strange not to be struggling. I like it. I’m looking forward to my time off at the end of the year, but also dreading it as well.

I’ll be back in a few days! Take care, all.

Hi, July!

July this year is going to be rough. If you’ve been listening to my podcast episodes lately, you’ll know that I’m going to be packing up my house for the next two weeks. I am trying to be moved by or on the 20th and I’m pretty sure I can make that deadline.

Unfortunately, with moves, it means that there’s a potential for gaps without internet access at home (and sometimes, without electricity, like last time). It means that I’ll be a little busier than usual so the podcast episode schedule I have might need to be altered.

Something else exciting is happening this month (actually, in a few days). My partner and I are going to be celebrating our first anniversary of being married. I wanted to talk about that in one of my upcoming episodes and I’m hoping that I can get him to chat with you as well. I don’t know whether I’ll be successful at that, but gosh darn it, I’ll try!

One of the things I’ve been wanting to talk about is what it’s like being with someone with a very different culture than mine and my observations so far. I haven’t said much about it because I don’t want to come across as ignorant because let’s face it, I don’t know everything about Indian culture and sometimes I come across as very naive about a few things. I find arranged marriages fascinating and like to hear stories about them. As the years have passed, it’s something that I understand a little better.

So, happy anniversary to my love. I still love you lots! I miss you too. (He’s in India right now and coming back at the end of the week.)

I’ve gotten through rough times before and it’s been so much easier with such a supportive guy next to me. I can and will do this!

I’ll catch you guys and girls later. I might move the next episode to be earlier since I’ll be busy the day that it’s going to be posted. We’ll see. Keep an eyeball out on the episode guide to see what’s coming up!

Happy Easter

duck.jpg
Have I ever mentioned how much I love ducks?

I know I’ve already said it before, but I hope everybody is having a pleasant Easter break. Mine’s been pretty tame and quiet with the husband being gone. I still miss the guy a lot though. I haven’t been sleeping that well without him here, but it’s nice taking up the whole bed and sleeping diagonally on it.

Tomorrow is still a holiday, so things will be calm today and tomorrow which is a good thing.

Anyway, again, I hope you have a Happy Easter with whoever you’re spending it with! (And if you’re by yourself like I am, enjoy being with yourself!)

Dynamic Family

Over the weekend, I learned new things about my family and in the next podcast episode, I’m going to share them with you! I thought that I’d give myself some time to process a few things. That’s what you get to deal with next. I’m going to try to record today so it’ll be ready for Friday or Saturday. (I might have to start posting new episodes on Saturday, by the way… or at least Friday night.)

I’m just about to head off to drop a few things off at the real estate agent and walk the husband to work (to make sure he actually goes–not really).

Getting older and living overseas sucks (even more)

Getting older is no fun.

I’m really in no mood to be sitting here typing, but I have to keep myself mentally busy. I mentioned that my uncle had passed away, and about a day or two ago, my grandmother passed away. It is the same side of the family so I can’t imagine what they’re going through right now.

I’m still busy thinking about going back home to Texas but talked to my mom and she said that people understand why I don’t go back home for these things. She says not to go, but I’m still considering it. I’d love to go back home, but she said she’d rather have me there for Christmas, so I am also considering that. I don’t know what to do. (The prices to go back home and fly to Houston is pretty good.)

This grandmother was one of the people in the family that was one of my favourites. I loved this lady so very much. She was always very sweet and hardly ever got angry. I don’t think I had ever seen her angry. She was also great company and I loved spending time with her. I was looking forward to seeing her at the end of this year, but I guess that won’t be happening now, sadly. I also would have loved for her to come here too but don’t know if that would have been possible anyway due to her health lately. I probably should have asked her to come 15 years ago, but I guess there’s no sense in thinking what I could have done.

As always, I reflect on my time here in Australia and how this kind of thing drives me crazy because I really want to go back home and maybe someday, to live. I am getting more sad because I think about my mom and my sister a lot and how I’m missing out on their lives and such.

Well, okay. I’ve said what I needed to say. I’m just going to sit back and try to divert my mind from this little topic.

Take good care of yourselves and the people that you love, especially if you’re close to them.