Self-Love, Self-Care

Just a quick one to let everybody know what’s going on. I’ll still incredibly busy and won’t have much breathing space for a while, but hey, I’ll come here when I can. Well, someone’s in the bathroom and I can’t accomplish much until they get out (I need to leave home soon). I have been in a rough spot for the last few days, but think I managed to pull myself out of it, mostly.

A few people have pointed out that I am really critical of myself, that I’ve been withdrawing, that it looks like I don’t have that many friends around, and that I am just looking sad and down. I guess it’s pretty bad when people are pointing this out to me.

I spend a lot of time worrying. I worry about what’s going to happen next week. I worry about what’s going to happen tomorrow. I worry about what’s going to happen for the rest of the day. At lunch time, I worry about what I am going to be eating for dinner. I spend a lot of time worrying and I spend a lot of time worrying about other people rather than myself. I’m always worrying about what people think about me (though they probably don’t care). I just worry a lot and I think that takes its toll on my health. It really does.

I had someone yesterday ask me what good worrying about everything is going to accomplish. Am I going to gain anything from being so stressed all the time? Am I going to lose anything from it? I’ve been seeing the effects from it now.

The same person also told me that I need to think more positively about myself, which is true. Probably in this post, I’ve said some pretty negative things. I need to get out of that habit and I guess probably make a better attempt to give myself more credit where credit is due. Deep down, I know I’m not an awful person. I really do but I’m always wanting to be that better person. I just have a hard time accepting that I am not perfect, don’t have all the answers, and can’t save the world. I need to just accept things how they are, do what I can, and move forward, and at the same time, give myself more love than I am giving myself now.

Pretty good advice, right? Now, I just need to follow it, I think. I guess I need to put his plan into action and just having the chat with the person yesterday, I’m feeling a bit better which is the reason why I’m here now writing this. I forget sometimes how important it is to talk things through, especially with someone I don’t know on a really personal level.

About the having friends part, I will admit that I don’t have many friends. I have some and that’s okay. I’m not the kind of person who will walk into work and make friends automatically or even try to attempt making new friends. I’d rather have a few close friendships than many distant friends. I wasn’t really aware that this is a problem though. I’ve been a loner most of the time anyway. I don’t think that it’s because I’m unlikable, but rather it’s because I only have so much friendship to go around. And sometimes, I even neglect the friends I do have! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Getting Lost in the City

I’m back in the place where my Australia story began: Sydney. I am not feeling so great today* so I’m sitting back working on a presentation and video for next week, well, at least that’s what I’m supposed to be doing. I haven’t been successful actually starting the research yet. I probably should get on that–after I type this.

So, Sydney. A few of you who have known me over the years know that this was the first place I came to and lived when I reached Australia. I distinctly remember how horrified I was when I couldn’t understand anybody because I was so used to my then-boyfriend’s Hong Kong English accent. I just assumed everybody would sound just like him and I was a bit nervous when I discovered that the accent wasn’t the same. I didn’t leave the house for several weeks because I was so afraid that I would get lost. After my boyfriend locked me out of the apartment to get me to explore a little bit (and I do appreciate that he did it), I got lost a time or two, calling him frantically. This was in the time period when people didn’t have smart phones and you actually had to walk up to people and ask for directions or pick up a paper map or something. He would meet me somewhere and gently remind me that I needed to pay more attention to where I was going. That’s a good point. I was so timid and shy that I wouldn’t dare to get on a train, bus, or tram because I was afraid I’d get lost, have to talk to someone and admit that I’m an idiot.

Even during these days, I still get lost (or would get lost) out here. I don’t venture out much for that reason, but at least now, 15 years later, I wouldn’t get too lost with a smart phone. I still have that fear of not being able to find my way where I’m going, though the last few times I was here, I jumped on a train to see a few friends I have kept in touch with while I’ve lived in Australia.

Sydney still has this “vibe” to me where I know that I lived here as a young adult and for the most part, I was a pretty happy guy back then. It makes me a little sad because of that and so much has changed to the point where I have no idea where I am most of the time. I feel like I like Melbourne better. I like the unpredictably colder (or warmer), wetter (or drier) weather there. I like the people there (because I feel like they’re less rude in Melbourne). Being in Sydney makes me miss New York and New York City when I lived over there.

I will have to say that Sydney has some really good food though. Coffee, Melbourne does better for some reason. The food I’ve had over here so far is really good. When I lived here the first time, I remember how good the Thai food was (when I could taste it or wasn’t complaining that I wanted American food instead).

It’s just really weird. I like Sydney and I’d probably live here again, just further out of the city. When I lived here I lived very close to Central Station, like walking distance from it. I think that if I could get out of the hustle and bustle, it would be a little better.

My options are open though and work-wise, I will always be a sought-after commodity. I can work in pretty much any Commonwealth country if I want to, unfortunately that doesn’t include the USA. I am going to have a chat with someone tomorrow about the requirements to get my license to practice in Texas, at least. Will I go there? I’m not sure. I think it will be a hard sell to my husband-to-be because obviously, it’s not like I can leave him behind. At any rate, I need to have a talk with him to see what we’re doing, where we’re going and why we’re doing it. He’s been talking to me about transitioning to a related-yet-different career path (same as mine, in a way) which I do support, but feel like it would benefit him more to do it in the USA.

Lots of thinking to do! Anyway, so yes, it’s good to come back to your roots every so often, I think. I like Sydney but prefer Melbourne.

That’s all from me now, I need to get this research stuff done between visits to the toilet. *Gut issues again. Bye for now, folks.

End-of-Year Flights

There’s been a lot on my mind lately. There seems not to be enough hours of the day for me to do everything I need to do. I’ve cut down on a few things, but I’m still not getting time to do things that I want to do.

flying plane gif

I’m starting to shop for tickets back home for the holidays but there are a few issues I need to work out. Since I don’t spend much time in Texas, I want to spend a sufficient amount of time there but I don’t want to stay too long because I still have to pay bills here. I have parameters when I am checking for tickets:

I like being home for the holidays. That means I’d prefer being home for Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, and New Year’s Day. They’re all lumped “together”. When I say that, I mean that they all happen within a 6 week period. I think 6 weeks is a reasonable time to be home.

Flying any day in December (especially from Australia and the USA) gets super expensive. Each day that passes after Thanksgiving, the fares get more expensive. That’s both flying there AND back. Ticket prices back to Australia doesn’t get more reasonable until late January.

I really, really hate long layovers. There are tickets available that are under $1,000 AUD. Unfortunately, these options bring me to countries that I have never been to and don’t speak the language. A 20-24 hour total layover/flying time turns into over 60 hours. I am happy to pay an extra $300 not to have to do that. Call me spoiled, I don’t know.

I prefer to book all the way through, but I don’t do that all the time. If I don’t, I usually get my flight from LA to Texas separately BUT I pay the extra fees for flight flexibility – changes if I need them in case my international flight is delayed. It’s not advisable to do that because if I do this, I have to pay extra for luggage. I try not to bring much with me anyway.

Thinking about going home always stresses me quite a lot. I don’t know if it will even be possible right now. I usually wait until August to start shopping anyway. I don’t know why I’m looking so early. I also might have to start on the next chapter of my life in November but won’t know until later. It’s just making me feel uneasy. The next two months are going to be really, really busy too. Marriage is coming up, but more about that later.

Hope all is well.

Reappearing Past

It figures that months before I get married, the guys I like are coming back to me and asking me whether I am single or not. I am always completely honest and tell people that I’m in a relationship and happy in it. With a little more prodding, I say that I am getting married to someone in a few months.

I’d like to think the ghosts of my past look like this. They could also take shape of men.

I find it interesting that people who I met several years ago don’t chat with me for 3 or 4 years, then suddenly message me to ask if I am dating someone. It happens quite often. The last time this happened was just the other day and I chatted with him while I was getting ready to sleep, and next to my partner.

Even if I did end up dating the guy, I don’t think that we would have lasted very long mostly because he seemed to be very arrogant. I still think he is. I slept with him a few times and it was never really that good. It was one-sided. He is handsome and successful, but just needed to work on himself.

On the other hand, he was a little bossy which is something I can appreciate. I really like my partner’s bossiness in a way (but he goes overboard sometimes). I basically just like for someone to make decisions sometimes, if that makes sense. I can’t handle being bossed around all the time and I wouldn’t do very well in one of those weird, fetish-like relationships. That’s just not me.

How’s that for a little too much information?

I feel like when I am seeing someone, all these people who showed no interest in dating suddenly appear. Some are hard to say no to but eventually I do because I’m really happy with who I am. Some were a big no back then and they’re a bigger no now.

The way I see it is that these are all tests and no doubt they’ll start happening more since the wedding is only a few months away now. I guess that’s life though.

Patting Myself on the Back

Busy, busy, busy! I haven’t had much time to come here and write anything lately. I did warn you that I would be a bit busy, didn’t I? So, really, it’s not unexpected.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. It has gone by so fast and it’s been so nice to get back to an area of my career that I have been ignoring for so long. It’s solidified the fact that I do love what I do and makes me question why I ever really started giving it a quarter-assed effort. I am still not much of a people person, but I think it’s getting better. I feel like that’s one of my flaws. I love people in general, but I’m just not that great interacting with them. I have so many face palms happening in my head when I try to talk to people. It just takes some practice I think. I’ll get there. I kinda wished that my parents would have let me socialise a lot more than I did, or they at least encouraged it. (They didn’t really encourage or push me to do anything. They just expected good results from everything and if I didn’t meet their expectations, they’d get angry… then ground me. I hate blaming them for this, but I feel like kids benefit from good social interactions.)

I don’t want to beat and belittle myself in this post, really because I am pretty proud of myself for doing a really good job. As with everything I do though, I feel as if I can or could do a bit better. That’s not negative, but I feel like people should try to improve themselves every day, for as long as they can. No one knows everything, and when you’re in the field that I’m in (which I’m still keeping secret), things are changing all the time.

So that’s where I am at the moment. Enjoying myself and not having to travel 3 hours a day is really nice. I’ll have to do that for a few more months at least though.

I will say that I’m quite excited for my future. I just need to take a few deep breaths, and keep telling myself that I can do whatever I put my mind to because I’ve shown myself time and time again that I can do it.

Month-long Sporadic Posting in My Weblog

Hey there. I think I forgot to mention that my posts here will be a bit sporadic for the next month. Oops. It’s just that busy time of the year right now, so I tend to forget to post here. Without saying too terribly much, I’m doing full-time training for the next month and I am absolutely knackered at the end of the day. I pretty much come home and fall asleep. I get up for a bit to eat, and then go back to sleep and get a half-assed night of sleep. There’s just too much going through my head right now and it’s preventing me from getting good quality sleep.

Over the weekend, we took our pre-wedding photos and I’ve seen some of them. The pictures are okay and I don’t really think I’m going to share any of them here on my weblog, but if you’re interested for some strange reason, just message me and you can see some (assuming I know you).

I have just been really tired, and at the same time, pretty anxious about everything. I think that’s what is wearing my energy thin. As small and simple as things are sometimes, I always feel the need to over think everything. It’s one of the things about myself that really irritates me. The frequent trips to the bathroom, the always-looking-like-I-just-saw-a-ghost look, the trembling like a leaf, it is all a bit irritating.

Anyway, I don’t want to keep dwelling on these things, so I’m heading off. I’ll see you guys a few times over the next month. ๐Ÿ™‚

Our Wedding’s Coming Up

Hi! I’m finally starting to feel a bit better now so I thought I’d give you an update of sorts. I know I haven’t said much about my wedding day lately, so I wanted to tell you that it’s still on. I’ve had to move the date around a little bit because it turned out that my partner’s mother was heading back home on the day that we were supposed to get married, so we moved it sooner by a week.

I haven’t said much about what’s happening on the day yet because we’re not doing anything huge for it. I’m okay with that because I think I would be more worried about the unwanted attention more than the marriage itself. (It’s the reason why I never went to any of my graduations.) Even my citizenship ceremony made me really ill. I remember standing there focused on how anxious I’ll be walking in front of everybody. We’re just going to have a few people there that I think will compromise mostly of his family and a friend or two of mine. I would have loved to have some family members here, but I don’t think that it’s practical for a really small ceremony like this. As a result, I will do a small thing when I get to the USA, I guess.

I originally made a website with all the details, pictures, videos, and such for it, but then I realised that it’s probably overkill, so I don’t think I’m going to use it. We’re keeping most of it private, so it would have been behind a username and password login. It’s actually up now, but I’m just going to incorporate it into another project instead or use it later for when I am planning the events after. (We’re not doing anything big on the day of our wedding either.)

Yeeeehaw - redneck wedding
This is how I imagined my wedding and I’m a little sad that it’s not going to happen, but I will let it go because I get to wear Indian clothes! ๐Ÿ™‚

I don’t know about you, but I really hate planning. I’ve discovered that I really dislike planning stuff like this so I’m just letting things go as minimal as possible. I think ongoing celebrations are better and it’s also a little bit better for us because we don’t really know where we’ll be at that point of time either and what we’ll do in the future.

As far as married life goes, I don’t feel negative about it. I just accept it. I’m not extremely excited either because I think these kinds of relationships can be sustained by love and respect, but if someone won’t marry me now, will I feel regretful later? Who knows!

Cough Cough

The past week has been kinda crappy for me. I’ve been sick for most of it and finally started taking antibiotics after I noticed I was coughing up bright yellow and green mucus. At least I can breathe a little better now. I started feeling pretty good, until 30 minutes ago, I burnt the hell out of my tongue from drinking hot soup.

It just hasn’t been that fun.

I guess that’s why I’ve been so boring and disconnected lately though, if you’re curious why I have been saying much for a while. That’s probably why I’m not going to say much this time either.

Maybe I’ll be back soon…

About My Last Deleted Post

Yesterday, I posted something about a certain group of people and I really shouldn’t have typed it. Even before I pressed the “publish” button, I knew that I shouldn’t single out a group of people based on where they’re from. It is not nice and it’s never a good idea. It’s even worse judgement on my part for taking the step of publishing terrible stereotypical garbage. I will be a little more careful in the future.

I know that I don’t have a free pass to say mean things about people of my partner’s cultural background. I know for a fact that everybody isn’t the same, and it the way I wrote what I wrote made it sound like I was making a point to bring out the negatives. Bad, Ben! Bad!

If you read it before I deleted it (because I left it up for about 8 hours), I am sorry for being so dumb and for being an asshole.

A general of mine is to be nice to everybody, regardless of where they’re from, what they believe in, etc. I moved away from the place I grew up in to get away from that. I shouldn’t become what I don’t like. (I do give people back home a hard time for being morons though, but if you went there, you’d see what I mean!)

It’s one of those times that I’m glad more people don’t read this. ๐Ÿ™‚

Anyway! What’s happening? I’m still sick. My throat is hurting a lot more. I’m coughing a lot more. I took a Benadryl about an hour ago. I really wish I could sleep this off. I’m being forced to be productive and I’m in a time period where I have no choice but to work through the pain and illness. I’ll be back soon with some better stuff. Much love to you all.

Disillusionment

It’s not a good day for me. I have a sore throat and feel like I’ve got 4 gallons of snot (18 liters of mucus) in my head and none of it will come out. I didn’t sleep very well last night too. I think that I can put it down to all the stressful crap I’m having to deal with lately. I just feel really run down.

I might as well order this cake for my wedding.

The photo shoot we’re doing in few weeks is driving me insane. Something that I expected to cost a certain amount is going to end up costing about 3.5-4x more than I originally thought. The locations I choose aren’t good enough, so I just stopped thinking about where to do it. I have a nice relationship with nature. Of course, nature to me isn’t really 100% beach. I need forests and mountains. Even fields would be okay. Wedding pictures at beaches are way too overdone, but I guess this is what happens when I lose all creative control over something I was initially so excited about.

My wedding plans also keep getting watered down and downgraded as well. I’ve moved the dates around so often to suit my partner’s needs that I lost a lot of planning time. I’m’ not impressed yet. I need more time but he’s not going to agree with that, so here I am, almost 140 days away from when it’s supposed to happen and I am so unexcited, so exhausted, and unimpressed with the whole thing. I don’t think that’s a good thing.

The whole thing feels rushed, but the engagement has been floating over my head for the past two years and I really feel as if I’ve “overstayed my welcome”, so it’s probably my own fault for not being so proactive. Who knows.