Dynamic Family

Over the weekend, I learned new things about my family and in the next podcast episode, I’m going to share them with you! I thought that I’d give myself some time to process a few things. That’s what you get to deal with next. I’m going to try to record today so it’ll be ready for Friday or Saturday. (I might have to start posting new episodes on Saturday, by the way… or at least Friday night.)

I’m just about to head off to drop a few things off at the real estate agent and walk the husband to work (to make sure he actually goes–not really).

Getting older and living overseas sucks (even more)

Getting older is no fun.

I’m really in no mood to be sitting here typing, but I have to keep myself mentally busy. I mentioned that my uncle had passed away, and about a day or two ago, my grandmother passed away. It is the same side of the family so I can’t imagine what they’re going through right now.

I’m still busy thinking about going back home to Texas but talked to my mom and she said that people understand why I don’t go back home for these things. She says not to go, but I’m still considering it. I’d love to go back home, but she said she’d rather have me there for Christmas, so I am also considering that. I don’t know what to do. (The prices to go back home and fly to Houston is pretty good.)

This grandmother was one of the people in the family that was one of my favourites. I loved this lady so very much. She was always very sweet and hardly ever got angry. I don’t think I had ever seen her angry. She was also great company and I loved spending time with her. I was looking forward to seeing her at the end of this year, but I guess that won’t be happening now, sadly. I also would have loved for her to come here too but don’t know if that would have been possible anyway due to her health lately. I probably should have asked her to come 15 years ago, but I guess there’s no sense in thinking what I could have done.

As always, I reflect on my time here in Australia and how this kind of thing drives me crazy because I really want to go back home and maybe someday, to live. I am getting more sad because I think about my mom and my sister a lot and how I’m missing out on their lives and such.

Well, okay. I’ve said what I needed to say. I’m just going to sit back and try to divert my mind from this little topic.

Take good care of yourselves and the people that you love, especially if you’re close to them.

It’s Great to Be in Australia

What kind of person would I be if I didn’t say “Happy Australia Day” to you? Well, I don’t really know. Around this time every year, there is talk about changing the date because this is pretty much “Invasion Day”. I am not really knowledgeable about Australia Day itself, but I know that it’s usually a day for me to be lazy and believe me, I’ve been super lazy today. I pretty much sat in a chair in front of the computer the whole time since lately, my significant other has taken a liking to only talking to me when I’ve done something wrong, when he wants me to do something, or to try to guilt-trip me. I needed a break from it.

Back to Australia Day. I do think that every country needs a day to celebrate, well, being a country. A lot of countries have quite a few nasty spots in their histories, and I guess the way that I’ve heard it, you can’t really celebrate anything because something bad always happens for us to get where we are today.

I’m one of those people who really feels sympathy for Aboriginal Australians. I’ve been lucky enough to have learned a lot of stuff about them over the past year and it is absolutely incredible and unfortunate what they’ve had to go through. I wouldn’t want to celebrate anything like that. I know that things have changed since then, but I still feel like there is a lot more that could be done and I think the ONLY way for good changes to happen is to start conversations with the original owners of this country.

So I’m not really sure where I stand on this whole thing. I think Australia and BEING an Australian is a wonderful thing. I’m so happy, lucky, and fortunate to be able to live in such an amazing place. I’ve said this so many times because I really and truly mean it.

That’s all from me for now.

I guess it’s also India’s Republic Day so I guess we’d be double celebrating if we were talking to each other. lol

Hot, Hot, Hot!!!

I know I’ve said this before, but I really hate summer. Right now, most of Australia is in the middle of a heatwave. The temperature has been near 40ºC/104ºF everyday (43ºC/109ºF today) for a while and I don’t think we’re actually going to get a break from it for a while. I’ve had to step outside once today and I really hope I won’t have to do that again! (I do… I have to water our grass or it will just become a fire hazard and believe me, I don’t want our grass to catch on fire.

I also haven’t been feeling that great lately either. I am getting incredible headaches/migraines every few days. My husband wants me to go to the doctor… in Melbourne since I like that doctor a lot more.

Anyway, I hope everybody is doing well and staying warm if you’re in the middle of winter (and sane if you’re in the USA), and cool (and hydrated) if you’re in Australia! Much love my freezing (or sweating) friends!

Goodbye 2018

Happy New Year (maybe a little early)!

It’s the time of the year when people post about how terrible 2018 was and how they hope that 2019 won’t suck as much. Originally, I was going to put all of this in a podcast episode, but since a few crappy things happened, I decided that maybe it was better to just make a post about it.

So what’s happened this year?

  • I restarted my personal journal podcast again after being disconnected from podcasting for several years. I didn’t think it would last, honestly.
  • I traveled to India for the first time and only barely missed the catastrophic flooding in Kerala. It was a really great experience. I realised that you shouldn’t always listen to the horror stories people tell you before you travel. Your travel experiences differ from anybody else’s and it’s better to go places with a sense of adventure than with terrible expectations.
  • I got married to a guy that, to this day, I’m still happy with. He’s really supportive, loving, and still as sexy as ever. (I’m looking forward to bring this guy home to the USA. He’s never been. This is going to be fun.)
  • I moved to a rural area of Australia and the experience has been interesting, but I know living out in the country isn’t for me. The fear of bush fires happening is a reality almost every day and it’s so different than what I’ve been living in ten years prior.
  • I got a new job that I like. (My partner also got a new job and we work at the same place and for the same organisation… which is why we moved.)
  • I am doing whatever I can to get a handle on my anxiety. It’s been a bit difficult to find out what works best, but I’ll get there eventually. I know that it’s going to improve my quality of life immensely!

What are my hopes and dreams for the new year?

  • I’m focusing on going back to the USA at the end of 2019, hopefully for a few months. I really miss my family and friends back in Texas.
  • I’m hoping to move closer to Melbourne again. You don’t know a good thing you had until it’s no longer there.
  • I’m hoping to get another good job that I like. I’m hoping to save a lot more money as well.
  • I really hope I can get a handle on my self-confidence, especially professional.
  • I need to learn how to say no without feeling incredibly guilty for it.
  • I hope to get my strength back and become healthier. Eating better food? Possibly. Exercising, probably. Starting sometime. I kinda miss my defined chest.

I don’t think that any of my “goals” are unobtainable. I basically just need to look after myself a bit better.

For you guys reading this, I hope that you have a fantastic start of the new year and I hope that your 2018 was interesting and made you into a stronger person!

Being Far Away from Home Sucks Sometimes

Good day to you. I hope everybody is doing well.

I haven’t had the opportunity to say much about this but things have been a bit hectic over the past few weeks. I’ve had two family members back in the USA who were admitted to the hospital and both were in bad condition. I learned this morning that one of them passed away.

I have been talking to my family when I can just to make sure that they’re doing well, processing things, and that they have someone to talk to if they need it. I’ve been giving them some advice on how to relieve the stress in such a tough time.

This is one of the things that I hate about living in Australia. My family is across the world and I would really like to take care of them when I need to. Unfortunately, the distance and time difference makes it very difficult. I tend to start thinking about the time away from my family and how I want to spend time with my immediate family members before they get too old. Though my sister does a good job looking after my mom, I feel a bit limited at what I can do. I also start regretting not making it there for the holidays as well this year. I am making it a priority to go back next year though but I’m looking at another move in about 6 to 9 months from now. I don’t think I can stay away for another year.

Anyway, I am going to skip my next podcast episode for now and just make a new one in a week or two. I don’t think anybody will even notice anyway. I’m just going to focus on my family for a while and see how they’re going with that.

I hope your holidays are going okay. I wish things were going smoother for me, but it is what it is, I guess.

I’m So Sleepy

As always, I usually have a little more to add to my podcast recordings. If you’ve listened to my last podcast episode (or any of them, really), you’ll know that I have a big problem with anxiety. You’ll also know that I’ve been taking some steps to get that managed.

I’m happy now that I can concentrate on things and not feel like I have 200 worrying thoughts enter my head at the same time. I can now remember things a lot better (because before, I’d be so distracted that I couldn’t absorb much at a time). I’ve been getting a lot more done every day. It’s really nice.

Unfortunately, the medication I’m taking is making me incredibly tired. It’s a bit strange. You know how sometimes you wake up during the night and then fall back asleep? I feel like I am doing that, but my body refuses to go to sleep. I’m very, very lightheaded and it seems like it’s getting worse every day. I’m just quite weak.

Like, right now, it’s almost 8:45 am and I feel like I want to go back to sleep but no matter how much I want to, I can’t. I woke up at 7:00 am. I’m still waking up really early even if I don’t really have to.

I knew that this may happen so that is why I’ve taken some leave from work. I didn’t really know it would be this severe though. I really hope my body can get used to the effects of being on a new medication, or I might have to try something else (and have to miss more work).

Birthday Sweetness

Another year has passed. I’m officially at the last year of my 30s and I guess that’s okay. I should be thankful that I have gotten this far in life. Some people don’t even get to this ripe old age.

I usually go crazy around this time with my birthday freebies, but since I live in an isolated town, they’re not available. I’m really going to miss that free burrito and huge margarita. I am not about to travel 5 hours to get free food, so I’m staying in.

My husband makes me stay up until midnight the day before so I played Elder Scrolls Online and Fallout 4 until really late. I spent a lot of my time yesterday in front of a screen so I started to get a really bad headache around 9 pm or so. He made (or assembled) a cake for me while I was busy coding on my podcast software project.

I’ve always liked the cakes that I can pick things off and eat it. He totally gets me in that way. I looked at it and was a bit confused, but he’s really sweet.

I got up this morning and found a card from him that said “husband” on it. I haven’t really gotten anything with that on it yet, so I was a little surprised. It’s mostly because I forget that I got married.

So, today, I’m going to go out in this hot weather (I hate when it’s hot on my birthday…) and do a few things. Here’s hoping for a great year ahead as I head into my 40s. I can’t believe sometimes that I’ve had an internet presence since I was around 16. Incredible!

Disappearing Incompletely

Hi everybody.

You may or may not have listened to the last podcast episode. If you have listened to it, you’ll know and understand why I’ve been away. I have a little more to add to that. If you haven’t listened to it, let me tell you what I’ve been going through for the past few weeks. These posts are always really difficult for me to write, mostly because it sounds extremely close to what I talk about in my podcast.

I’ve been away for a while because I am really struggling with my dangerously high levels of anxiety and starting my new job. I basically cannot function at the level I need to at work to do my job(s) effectively and that scares me quite a lot. I tend to overthink and worry about the smallest things. After one thought finishes making a round in my head, another comes. They never stop lining up. That’s a calm day. The way that my brain has been going lately though, it’s constant and these thoughts (usually very negative ones) and worries come several at a time. It makes concentrating so hard.

I am not just sitting around doing nothing about it. Like I said in TIP #17, I have an initial doctor appointment set up and I’m using an app called Woebot to get rid of some of the negative thoughts and feelings i have which, in my opinion, are leading me to a life of high blood pressure and fear. My partner has been a very big part of my getting better and he’s been awesome. I don’t think there’s anything he wouldn’t do for me. He’s been absolutely fabulous and I’m lucky to have such a supportive and loving husband.

I will get better. I know that for sure. Just by talking about it here and in my podcast is therapy enough. You might have noticed that my demeanour changed slightly from the beginning of it to the end. That’s because I talked about it.

Talking about feelings is probably something that men to do more of because whether we want to accept it or not, we have certain emotional needs and wants. We can’t just ignore them and keep building up all this sadness, anger, stress, etc. We need to get these things out and you know what? Sometimes we need help–and that’s okay. That’s perfectly fine.

I will be stronger and I know that I can do it. It will just take some time, and again, a little extra help.

Take care of yourselves, everybody. 🙂

The title was originally “How to Disappear Completely”, a Radiohead song from Kid A. I don’t want to disappear completely though. I want my anxiety to go away or to be manageable at least.

Off Having Adventures

Hello! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? (My podcast episode posts are usually done in advance, so it’s been a while since I’ve written anything new.)

I’ve gone away for a while and I have a new job, so I’ve been a little preoccupied. I plan on recording new material next week.

I’ll admit that I go silent sometimes when I’m a bit sad or depressed, but lately, I’ve just been off on new adventures. I’ll be telling you about the cool people I’ve been hanging around, the things we do, and the places we go.

As I’ve said before, small town living really isn’t so bad. It’s been pretty cool so far.