Hot, Hot, Hot!!!

I know I’ve said this before, but I really hate summer. Right now, most of Australia is in the middle of a heatwave. The temperature has been near 40ºC/104ºF everyday (43ºC/109ºF today) for a while and I don’t think we’re actually going to get a break from it for a while. I’ve had to step outside once today and I really hope I won’t have to do that again! (I do… I have to water our grass or it will just become a fire hazard and believe me, I don’t want our grass to catch on fire.

I also haven’t been feeling that great lately either. I am getting incredible headaches/migraines every few days. My husband wants me to go to the doctor… in Melbourne since I like that doctor a lot more.

Anyway, I hope everybody is doing well and staying warm if you’re in the middle of winter (and sane if you’re in the USA), and cool (and hydrated) if you’re in Australia! Much love my freezing (or sweating) friends!

Goodbye 2018

Happy New Year (maybe a little early)!

It’s the time of the year when people post about how terrible 2018 was and how they hope that 2019 won’t suck as much. Originally, I was going to put all of this in a podcast episode, but since a few crappy things happened, I decided that maybe it was better to just make a post about it.

So what’s happened this year?

  • I restarted my personal journal podcast again after being disconnected from podcasting for several years. I didn’t think it would last, honestly.
  • I traveled to India for the first time and only barely missed the catastrophic flooding in Kerala. It was a really great experience. I realised that you shouldn’t always listen to the horror stories people tell you before you travel. Your travel experiences differ from anybody else’s and it’s better to go places with a sense of adventure than with terrible expectations.
  • I got married to a guy that, to this day, I’m still happy with. He’s really supportive, loving, and still as sexy as ever. (I’m looking forward to bring this guy home to the USA. He’s never been. This is going to be fun.)
  • I moved to a rural area of Australia and the experience has been interesting, but I know living out in the country isn’t for me. The fear of bush fires happening is a reality almost every day and it’s so different than what I’ve been living in ten years prior.
  • I got a new job that I like. (My partner also got a new job and we work at the same place and for the same organisation… which is why we moved.)
  • I am doing whatever I can to get a handle on my anxiety. It’s been a bit difficult to find out what works best, but I’ll get there eventually. I know that it’s going to improve my quality of life immensely!

What are my hopes and dreams for the new year?

  • I’m focusing on going back to the USA at the end of 2019, hopefully for a few months. I really miss my family and friends back in Texas.
  • I’m hoping to move closer to Melbourne again. You don’t know a good thing you had until it’s no longer there.
  • I’m hoping to get another good job that I like. I’m hoping to save a lot more money as well.
  • I really hope I can get a handle on my self-confidence, especially professional.
  • I need to learn how to say no without feeling incredibly guilty for it.
  • I hope to get my strength back and become healthier. Eating better food? Possibly. Exercising, probably. Starting sometime. I kinda miss my defined chest.

I don’t think that any of my “goals” are unobtainable. I basically just need to look after myself a bit better.

For you guys reading this, I hope that you have a fantastic start of the new year and I hope that your 2018 was interesting and made you into a stronger person!

Being Far Away from Home Sucks Sometimes

Good day to you. I hope everybody is doing well.

I haven’t had the opportunity to say much about this but things have been a bit hectic over the past few weeks. I’ve had two family members back in the USA who were admitted to the hospital and both were in bad condition. I learned this morning that one of them passed away.

I have been talking to my family when I can just to make sure that they’re doing well, processing things, and that they have someone to talk to if they need it. I’ve been giving them some advice on how to relieve the stress in such a tough time.

This is one of the things that I hate about living in Australia. My family is across the world and I would really like to take care of them when I need to. Unfortunately, the distance and time difference makes it very difficult. I tend to start thinking about the time away from my family and how I want to spend time with my immediate family members before they get too old. Though my sister does a good job looking after my mom, I feel a bit limited at what I can do. I also start regretting not making it there for the holidays as well this year. I am making it a priority to go back next year though but I’m looking at another move in about 6 to 9 months from now. I don’t think I can stay away for another year.

Anyway, I am going to skip my next podcast episode for now and just make a new one in a week or two. I don’t think anybody will even notice anyway. I’m just going to focus on my family for a while and see how they’re going with that.

I hope your holidays are going okay. I wish things were going smoother for me, but it is what it is, I guess.

I’m So Sleepy

As always, I usually have a little more to add to my podcast recordings. If you’ve listened to my last podcast episode (or any of them, really), you’ll know that I have a big problem with anxiety. You’ll also know that I’ve been taking some steps to get that managed.

I’m happy now that I can concentrate on things and not feel like I have 200 worrying thoughts enter my head at the same time. I can now remember things a lot better (because before, I’d be so distracted that I couldn’t absorb much at a time). I’ve been getting a lot more done every day. It’s really nice.

Unfortunately, the medication I’m taking is making me incredibly tired. It’s a bit strange. You know how sometimes you wake up during the night and then fall back asleep? I feel like I am doing that, but my body refuses to go to sleep. I’m very, very lightheaded and it seems like it’s getting worse every day. I’m just quite weak.

Like, right now, it’s almost 8:45 am and I feel like I want to go back to sleep but no matter how much I want to, I can’t. I woke up at 7:00 am. I’m still waking up really early even if I don’t really have to.

I knew that this may happen so that is why I’ve taken some leave from work. I didn’t really know it would be this severe though. I really hope my body can get used to the effects of being on a new medication, or I might have to try something else (and have to miss more work).

Birthday Sweetness

Another year has passed. I’m officially at the last year of my 30s and I guess that’s okay. I should be thankful that I have gotten this far in life. Some people don’t even get to this ripe old age.

I usually go crazy around this time with my birthday freebies, but since I live in an isolated town, they’re not available. I’m really going to miss that free burrito and huge margarita. I am not about to travel 5 hours to get free food, so I’m staying in.

My husband makes me stay up until midnight the day before so I played Elder Scrolls Online and Fallout 4 until really late. I spent a lot of my time yesterday in front of a screen so I started to get a really bad headache around 9 pm or so. He made (or assembled) a cake for me while I was busy coding on my podcast software project.

I’ve always liked the cakes that I can pick things off and eat it. He totally gets me in that way. I looked at it and was a bit confused, but he’s really sweet.

I got up this morning and found a card from him that said “husband” on it. I haven’t really gotten anything with that on it yet, so I was a little surprised. It’s mostly because I forget that I got married.

So, today, I’m going to go out in this hot weather (I hate when it’s hot on my birthday…) and do a few things. Here’s hoping for a great year ahead as I head into my 40s. I can’t believe sometimes that I’ve had an internet presence since I was around 16. Incredible!

Disappearing Incompletely

Hi everybody.

You may or may not have listened to the last podcast episode. If you have listened to it, you’ll know and understand why I’ve been away. I have a little more to add to that. If you haven’t listened to it, let me tell you what I’ve been going through for the past few weeks. These posts are always really difficult for me to write, mostly because it sounds extremely close to what I talk about in my podcast.

I’ve been away for a while because I am really struggling with my dangerously high levels of anxiety and starting my new job. I basically cannot function at the level I need to at work to do my job(s) effectively and that scares me quite a lot. I tend to overthink and worry about the smallest things. After one thought finishes making a round in my head, another comes. They never stop lining up. That’s a calm day. The way that my brain has been going lately though, it’s constant and these thoughts (usually very negative ones) and worries come several at a time. It makes concentrating so hard.

I am not just sitting around doing nothing about it. Like I said in TIP #17, I have an initial doctor appointment set up and I’m using an app called Woebot to get rid of some of the negative thoughts and feelings i have which, in my opinion, are leading me to a life of high blood pressure and fear. My partner has been a very big part of my getting better and he’s been awesome. I don’t think there’s anything he wouldn’t do for me. He’s been absolutely fabulous and I’m lucky to have such a supportive and loving husband.

I will get better. I know that for sure. Just by talking about it here and in my podcast is therapy enough. You might have noticed that my demeanour changed slightly from the beginning of it to the end. That’s because I talked about it.

Talking about feelings is probably something that men to do more of because whether we want to accept it or not, we have certain emotional needs and wants. We can’t just ignore them and keep building up all this sadness, anger, stress, etc. We need to get these things out and you know what? Sometimes we need help–and that’s okay. That’s perfectly fine.

I will be stronger and I know that I can do it. It will just take some time, and again, a little extra help.

Take care of yourselves, everybody. 🙂

The title was originally “How to Disappear Completely”, a Radiohead song from Kid A. I don’t want to disappear completely though. I want my anxiety to go away or to be manageable at least.

Off Having Adventures

Hello! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? (My podcast episode posts are usually done in advance, so it’s been a while since I’ve written anything new.)

I’ve gone away for a while and I have a new job, so I’ve been a little preoccupied. I plan on recording new material next week.

I’ll admit that I go silent sometimes when I’m a bit sad or depressed, but lately, I’ve just been off on new adventures. I’ll be telling you about the cool people I’ve been hanging around, the things we do, and the places we go.

As I’ve said before, small town living really isn’t so bad. It’s been pretty cool so far.

New Job!

Hello everybody!

A bit of news from me that you probably won’t get until sometime in November is that I have a new job. I just have to get some administrative stuff done, and then I start. 

I don’t remember if I’ve actually mentioned this in any podcast episodes or not and if I did, you probably wouldn’t hear about it until mid-November.

I don’t really expect there to be many changes to the way I do things here because I live about 10 minutes by walking away from work. If I drive, well, it’s about two minutes away. I might just get lazier with posting or, record a little sooner before I post (which would be a good thing).

I’m looking forward to getting back into what I used to do. Exciting stuff, but first, just need to get some checks done and a medical exam.

See you guys soon!

Remembering Dad Today

This isn’t something that I like to bring up, because I’ve told people that I’d much rather remember someone’s life rather than their death, but about 9 years ago, my father passed away very suddenly, about a week after I went back home to Texas with the intention of moving back to the USA.

There are a few posts on Facebook that made me remember my dad’s passing away. I saw a lot of “memories” where people were posting really sweet and caring messages to me.

During that time of my life, I had been really depressed already and by the time I got to the USA, I was already taking some pretty strong anti-depressants so I wouldn’t be constantly unproductive, sad, and feeling miserable all day. When my father passed away, I appeared to take it quite well, I guess you could say. The medications I had to take kind of numbed everything and made me appear to be mostly unaffected by his passing away. I guess you could say that those medications helped me appear to be strong when my mom and sister were having a really hard time.

Now that I am unmedicated, I think back about how that appeared to people. It’s something I think about a lot. But even before I got off the medications, I made a decision not to mourn constantly over his death, but to remember how well we bonded in my adult life. Yeah, my childhood wasn’t full of pleasantness, but he really made an effort when I was older. He apologised for not being the best dad, and you know what? That’s perfectly fine. I am happy with that.

I do miss the guy a lot. I miss going back home and dealing with t his craziness that I didn’t really get until I was older. He was full of wisdom that I ignored when I was a rebellious teen. You look back and appreciate those things. As I type this, I’m not sad or crying, but I’m appreciative of what I had when he was still around.

I also still dream about him which also makes me happy. There are a few times where I have gotten really sad in my dreams, but the rest of the times that I dream about him, it’s been really nice. I might sound crazy, but that is my way of remembering him and reminding myself that someday, somewhere, and somehow, I’ll see him again. I’m content with that.

That’s what I’m thinking about at the moment. I don’t know it would go if I talked about it in a podcast episode, so I’ll just put it here. I’m just remembering my dad and the good times I’ve had.

I just don’t think that it’s nice to remember death dates. I probably wouldn’t have remembered this if I didn’t look at Facebook today and/or yesterday.

It Will All Be Okay (I Hope)

As you could see, I’m in the middle of moving things around so I haven’t had much time to post here. We’re just waiting for our utilities to get connected before we move, so I’m staying mostly with my partner’s family. I thought that it would be good to get as much of the family living thing as I can get before I move. A lot of you know that I have been struggling to come to terms with the fact that I need to move and with only a few days left in the Melbourne area, I’m starting to really feel it.

I used to complain a lot about the place where I’m living because, really, it’s not in Melbourne. It’s about an hour and a half away from Melbourne and, to me, it’s a little isolated. It’s not too terribly bad but I had lived in Melbourne and it’s suburbs mostly while I’ve been here. I still want to go back and live there, but I think of it this way: I can either be forced to work my ass off to pay for a place to live, or I can live a little further away and have a little extra money to feed my addition to mints and electronics. I haven’t been able to save much while I’ve been away from Melbourne though because I’ve been doing training stuff (which I am not being paid for, may I add). Since I found out where we’re moving to, I started thinking maybe the current city I am living in isn’t really that bad, you know?

I think that living in a rural area will help me save money and appreciate the city more when I get to go there. I will be living walking distance from the place I’ll be working (and my partner will be working at the same place doing a different job). Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), the place we’ll be living is a bit slow and boring. I can’t just jump on a train and go to Melbourne anymore. Melbourne is where all my friends live and I’m not really sure that I will be able to find other people like me (cough cough gay) to relate with where I am moving to.

I only have a few more days until I move away and I don’t think I have all the time to do the things I want to do before I move over 4 hours away. I guess I’ll be fine though, since this is supposed to be a temporary move anyway. I keep trying to tell myself that, but the move where I am currently living, or the place I’m moving from, was supposed to be temporary too and I spent a lot longer there than I expected.

I am a little anxious and scared to go away, but this is stuff we already know. I just need to look at the positives though. I will be saving money from being so bored all the time and work being so close. The rent is cheaper. I won’t be alone. I think I’ll be fine.