I think I failed to mention that my posts will be sporadic for a while. Or maybe I mentioned it somewhere… I can’t really be bothered looking for it. That’s the problem. I can’t be bothered. The last week for me hasn’t been that great for me.
Sometimes I mention that I don’t always look after myself the best I can. I can be quite abusive towards myself and what I mean by that is that I really have a problem telling myself that I am doing a good job, that I’m a good person, that the lasagna I made a few weeks ago was really good, or that I am a good partner. That’s what I mean when I say that I abuse myself. I’m not harming myself physically, it’s just all done mentally and emotionally.
All of this self-doubt really has a huge toll on my overall health. When your brain is telling you that you suck at everything you do, sometimes it’s hard getting up in the mornings. Sometimes, it’s just really hard to function and I’ve experienced that over the last week. It seemed to be a lot worse than it has been, and that’s mostly because I’m in the middle of a two week training session. That’s probably the best way to put it since I want my main career to remain private. I’ve had to spend a lot of time away from home and my partner because I’m having to stay closer to where I am training. It takes about 2 hours travelling one-way going from home, and I just can’t see myself spending 4 hours a day travelling on top of an 8 hour workday. I’ve been staying with friends, but I still really miss my partner a lot.
I have said that I like our time apart, but I think I just need really small doses of that. A day is good. Weeks aren’t.
Going back to my health, if you can imagine seeing someone after they give up smoking in one day after they’ve smoked for 25 years, that’s what I am like. Four or five days of the week, my gut is upset. Let’s just say that I stay in a dehydrated state. My blood pressure is going higher. I feel like I am 30 years older than I really am. When things are really bad, I get migraines. This usually happens before assessments, exams, job interviews, work shifts, when I know I’m going to have to be in front of a large group of people, when I have to go to the store to get groceries, you name it.
Mid-week, one of my contacts tore and silly me didn’t bring a replacement, so my partner brought me some replacements. It doesn’t end there, but he wasn’t feeling well, yet he still spent the time to travel more than 3 hours to bring me what I needed. Then, he got me pizza. I really have a great guy and I’m lucky to have him. I’m even happier because I got to spend some of my weekend with him. I really needed that. By Friday, my mood was just abysmal. I missed a day, went to the doctor to explain how I’m feeling and how sick and tired I am being so anxious all the time because it’s not a good fit for what I’m doing. It really makes me sad. I like what I do but the anxiety really gets in my way of doing my job well (or more often).
I stop myself a lot from posting things like this because I don’t want to be one of those people online who list and brag about all their medical diagnoses, issues and problems. I don’t do this for attention. Sometimes I just need to get this stuff out, and if someone happens to come across something that I write that helps them understand what’s going on with them, I think that’s a good thing.
I choose not to smoke, drink (much), or do any drugs though I know they can have a calming effect. I just need to find another way to get my brain to relax. I haven’t found that yet though. (Actually, I think I have, but it’s extremely temporary.)
I guess that’s what’s happening. It’s why I’ve been in hiding… some of it is because I refuse to write these on a tablet since it takes me 10 times longer, but yeah, the mental bit has turned me off completely from wanting to do much. I’ll be back once this week is done. This is my last training thing for the rest of the year (except two days).
Bye for now.