Pain

I had planned to write a long post today but my body decided it would react badly to a vaccination. My back, neck, and shoulders are really sore. My joints are all hurting too. I have a headache and can barely move around. It hasn’t been fun and have been spending my off days feeling awful.

My body has never liked this particular vaccine. I seem to get every single side effect from it. It gave me problems when I was kid, and the last time that I had it. And assuming I’m going to India, I’m going to have to get even more. I feel like a pin cushion lately.

So… this is a short one. I am typing through the pain and probably shouldn’t be so I’ll go now.

Happy Easter

I’m not sure whether I am going to have a chance to post for a few days, so I wanted to say Happy Easter to you. I’m not really big on major holidays I used to do with my family in the USA.

Easter in Australia is a huge thing and we get a full 4 days for Easter. Unfortunately, that means a lot of places are closed for the whole 4 days. Grocery stores are closed today (Good Friday) and everything goes at a snail’s pace.

What’s funny is that my immediate family never did the whole hiding egg thing for my sister and me. We’d usually do that over my grandmother’s house. Easter morning was like Santa Clause Lite. That’s when I’d usually get Nintendo games and a TON of chocolate (something I can’t do anymore).

We’d hunt either plastic hollow eggs or boiled eggs. I don’t really remember anything being in the hollow eggs (mostly because I didn’t really care) but as I got older, I started stuffing them full of candy, cat food, and other gross stuff.

Here in Australia, the kids hunt chocolate eggs (like what’s in the picture). I never really saw that as a good thing. I’m not entirely sure why. I think mostly I’d be a little grossed out with all the bugs crawling all over them. Go figure…

Anyway, may your zombie Jesus day be fun and exciting! I need to get dressed and head to the city soon. Have a great weekend.

The Mood Project

And so, over a day or two, my little project has progressed. It’s working but haven’t merged it yet. There are a few user interface things that I need to work on.

I’ve also decided that once I get it working with WordPress, I’m (hopefully) going to make it into a mental health tool.

It’s coming along. Obviously, it’s not called MoodOS. It was the first thing that popped into my head. That’s also not what it’s going to “be” either. Cut me some slack! 

As some of you may know, I’m very passionate about mental health. It’s always been hard for me to communicate certain things about myself to other people, especially about how I may be feeling. Honestly, I hide my overall mental health from people closest to me: my mother, my sister, my partner, and my closest friends. It’s not that I don’t trust them, but I just don’t want them to worry about me but at the same time, I don’t want to get myself backed down into a hole where it’s really hard to get out.

As I’ve explained before, one of the biggest reasons I’ve started this project is because I want to keep a close watch on my mood and my general well-being. I want to see whether I am improving, or if I need a little extra help from someone, whether it’s from a health professional or from someone close to me. I want to see visually how my ups and downs are going, because I couldn’t really tell you how I was feeling 2 months ago, let alone 2 weeks ago. I can barely remember how I was feeling 2 days ago!

I am quite stubborn. I got that from my father. I find it really hard to openly discuss things with people I know because I don’t want to worry them. I don’t want to bore them. I don’t want to seem like I’m overly dramatic. Though some people have assured me that I can speak to them when I need to, it’s super hard to make that first step.

Now, how does this all fall together? I think that it’s nice to have something, an app possibly, to record these moods and feelings and analyze them and make little suggestions like “It might be a good time to have a chat with someone.” There’s a list of people who you consider your closest friends and family that can be pushed a little intro message of some sort. Not a super serious message, but something to push for communication. Something that says “I’d really like to have a chat about what’s going on lately.” Of course, nothing would get sent without the OK to do it. It can suggest places to go to get more help, if it’s needed. Something informational. Something where you can just open up the communication lines with someone, no matter who it is.

Sure, it’s even hard to start that very first step even: to download an app or sign up for a service. I don’t expect to be able to reach everybody who I would love to reach, but it’s a start.

This is just the beginning though. I’m going to have a chat with a few health professionals in the next week to see if it’s feasible to do and if there is a real need. Of course, to be funded would be great, but I’m not expecting that right now.

I am still going to develop it and use it for myself because I really like the thought of me being totally open and honest. I’ve gotten the databases and a lot of code already done, and it’s running (except I need to make the widget match my site). The pic I’ve included here is just the very start of it. No, it’s not chatting. It looks like it, but it’s kinda grabbing from my chat styling.

Unnamed, self-controlled Twitter clone that may morph into a mental health tool. More research needs done! (Ignore the updates. They’re not real, of course. No new chickens here. Added trivia: I call my cockatiel a “chicken”.)

I thought since my packing orders from the last thing I was working on, this is a natural thing to do. I need to keep my IT stuff up to scratch.

That’s all for now. I’m fine, really.

Engage

If you haven’t looked at my “About Ben” page yet or in a long time, there’s something new on there. If you don’t want to go check it out, then that’s really fine. No problem because I’m going to have a little chat about that now. Basically, I’ve been holding a secret for a long time and I’m ready to write something about it here. (Of course, if you prefer the tl;dr approach, just read my profile page.)

The tl;dr version of it is that I am engaged and have been for over a year.

It happened while I was in the USA and it was on Valentine’s Day in the USA (so it was 15 Feb 2016 here). It was also 9 months after we started dating. To me, at the time, that was a bit quick and I was also quite scared at the prospect that I would be a married man eventually. I believe that once it happens, it’s final. I don’t want to be one of those people who gets married and then divorces four times over the course of my life if it’s not really that necessary. So it was a major thing and I had to think about it for a day or so. (We had talked about it from the beginning saying that it was something we both were looking for in a partner.)

Eventually, I said “yes” and we moved in together permanently. I met his family here in Australia and I met his mother when she came to Australia. They’re all really nice to me and from what I gather, they like me. J and I have some rough spots sometimes and I know he talks to them, but hopefully it’s not all bad.

Since same-sex marriage here isn’t legal yet, we talked about going to New Zealand to do it, where it is legal. Then I said “Hey, let’s go to Hawaii instead.” From there, I asked myself why I would go to the USA like that and not go closer to my hometown where my friends and family could go. So, I decided that’s what I would do. I planned to do that at the end of this year, but then started another course of study. Then, I settled at the end of next year, 2018.

To me, that’s kind of putting a bit of a buffer period between engagement and marriage, something I think, psychologically, I need. That would give my partner some time to run away screaming at some point if he wanted to. Indirectly, that applied to me too! It also gives me time to plan something nice when I go there. Also, I’d love for my family to be involved too.

I don’t expect and never expected something extravagant because I feel like that money can be put to better use. I’m not a huge fan of big weddings. My idea is just to do it, get it done, and then have fun with everybody afterwards. Obviously, I’m not interested in going into a church of any kind to do it because religion doesn’t play an important part of my life and I wouldn’t want anybody to catch the gay. I’m just kidding about that. There are religious people out there who are kind and who don’t self-destruct over two people of the same sex getting married.

I see those nice marriage ceremonies with people dressed up in traditional Indian clothes and I’d love to do that, but I will have my chance! Ha ha.

Yes, it was a very quick engagement which I think a lot of people didn’t understand. The way that I think about it is that if other people in other cultures can meet and be married in a month (then have totally happy lives together), then I think I can do this. I am happy with this guy. Sure, I bitch and complain about him sometimes and getting used to his culture is taking time, but all in all, I am happy and I’m happy being with him.

And so with that, my secret is out. Now, I just have to hope that Trump doesn’t fuck everybody over. Here’s hoping for the best! 🙂

No Longer Needed?

What I want to write about today is a perfect reason why I didn’t kill off my weblog, or why I have one in the first place.

I’m frustrated. I’m extremely frustrated.

code

It’s a long story, but I’m going to tell you the short version of it. For quite a while, I have been working on what’s considered as a major IT project, alone. I wasn’t being paid for the work I was doing because I said that I would keep 49% of the project since it was something that I believed would generate monthly income for me. I think that was pretty generous. I put a huge amount of time, energy, and money into getting it operational and a few times, the project had become stalled. I worked on it anyway because I wanted it to work. That’s fine. I didn’t mind that.

Time has passed and the project is being passed around and is probably going to be sold today. Unfortunately, it’s the concept itself and not the software. I was told over the weekend to stop working on it immediately. I went to a meeting with the feeling that I am just an extra person that no one knows what to do with anymore since the company wanted his own developers to write the software. I left pissed off. Then the other person working on it talked to someone else about selling the concept to someone else. I became even more pissed off about that.

I know that I am not a founder, so it’s really not up to me. He’s not a businessperson and I have offered to bring someone onboard who knows what he’s doing, but that didn’t work. Though I’ve done a lot of extensive work on this stuff and have been around since the beginning, I am not consulted on anything, and I’m not being consulted on IT matters anymore.

I’m just mad and will probably bring it up next time, but have to wait until after a meeting today (one that I am not going to).

Oh well, I’m just going to have to get over it, I guess. The uncertainty is exactly what has caused me to focus more on my previous career. It’s not sitting in front of a computer all the time at least. 🙂

Right? Right. It’s just going to take time for me to get rid of this rage. This is probably the first step in doing just that!

Hello, Again

Isn’t it frustrating when someone says they’re going away, but ends up not actually going away? Or maybe it’s a pleasant surprise?

Well there are a few reasons why I’m back:

I need to vent and I need to vent in a place where I am in control of the content. I know that I can post anything I want here (and really, I don’t have the problem of wanting to say things that are illegal). You see, I am the ultimate moderator of what gets published and kept here. I have no “boss”. I don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing and have someone report it. It’s free speech really, and thankfully my web host really likes free speech.

As I’ve said before, I use my weblog as a “free” type of therapy. By nature, I’m not outgoing and I don’t like to open up to people about the problems that  I have. For some reason, I see that as weak. I’ve really tried to change my mindset but it’s difficult. I don’t write for attention. Well, okay, a little bit of attention is fine, but I don’t expect a ton of sympathy for anything. I see it as maybe the things that I post will help people think about their own situation. That’s why I would post things about my mental state and things, so hopefully people will see it and say “You know what? I feel the same way. I’m not alone.” Mental health is something very close and important to me.

My domain registration was about to expire and I knew I wasn’t going to let it expire, so why have a domain name if I’m not going to use it, right? All of my usernames match this domain name. Why let them go to waste. I hope this makes sense. 😉

I feel a bit stupid because I said “Goodbye” only to come back a few days later. Apparently, I didn’t think things over very well. I do know that my partner told me a week or two again that he’s going to stop reading what I type here because the sweet stuff isn’t any good if I don’t act. He’s right about that. It was one of the reasons why I wanted to stop, so I can communicate with him a little more. Do you remember what I wrote up there about having a hard time to open up to people how I feel? Yeah, I thought by quitting this weblog, I might be able to talk to him more and share my feelings. For the last 20 years, people have been wanting me to do that and it hasn’t happened yet.

I didn’t say that I was leaving for attention or to mislead anybody. I really had intentions of stopping and just going to Twitter or something. I can’t limit my online chatter to 140 letters. I also really hate when people post 8 Twitter updates in a row.

So here I am again. No more threats. I promise. Maybe a few more breaks from posting though when I’m super busy. I’ve lived my life in blog form too long. It’s harder to say goodbye than I thought (or think) it is.