Facing a Fear Out of Desperation

Do you have those days where you’re afraid to move because you have a feeling that everything that can go wrong will go wrong? That’s the best explanation of my day so far.

I woke up this morning (at 4 am) with a bit of stomach pain so I was like well, what the heck, I can fix this. I took some medicine for stomach cramps, drank peppermint tea, and took peppermint oil capsules just so it would stop. It was still nagging by the time I left. So I walked to the train station, which takes me about 20 minutes, got on the train and sat down.

Stomach continued to give me trouble.

I got to the next station and told myself that it’s not too late to go back now. I could still make it back home without much effort. No, can’t do that because I have important stuff to do and it really wasn’t that bad. The train arrived to the next station and my gut was bothering me even more. Fabulous. I think I was starting to look pretty terrible because a lady kept looking at me. Finally, I got to the point where I couldn’t handle it anymore and…

…went to the restroom. The restroom on the train.

Anybody who knows me knows that I have a really big fear of public toilets. Like, I would rather explode than sit on a toilet. But it was either travel for the next hour smelling like shit (either way), or stink up the restroom. My mind was racing and I just had to put that aside because, yeah, it wasn’t going to wait.

I pretty much spent the whole morning on the toilet–on a public toilet. I still feel incredibly violated. Scarred for life. But most of all, I felt very dirty. I still feel dirty.

Because my immunisations and blood tests need a little bit of love, I thought I’d pass the doctor’s office and get a blood serology to see what exactly immunisations I need. She said – oh, we can do this today if you want. I was like, um, I’m a bit busy this morning. She suggested the afternoon. So, I said yes. Right now I am waiting for that.

So I haven’t really eaten much and I feel dehydrated still after drinking a bottle of water. I’m not really in a mood to be poked with needles, not that I ever am in the mood, but it has to be done. After this, I am going back home and I’m crawling into bed. J had a super early morning too (but I had to wake up earlier). Maybe I’ll have some company by the time I get back.

So that’s my shitty morning and I’m afraid to see what the rest of the day has planned for me. I really wish now that I didn’t live an hour and a half away from where I have to work and study. I’m just too tired to deal with it today.

Oh, and by the way, I not only stunk up one restroom, I stunk up two of them. That’s okay though because it was worth it.

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