Self-realisation

me

“Can you make everybody happy all the time, Ben?”

I wrote almost 7,000 words yesterday on my self-perceived weaknesses. I think I finished it, but decided this morning that I am probably not going to post it. It’s not because it’s too negative because it’s not. Sometimes seeing your own weaknesses can be a good thing because it can give you a good indication of what you can improve on to increase the quality of your life.

After I finished posting that, a few days later, I was going to post something about all the strengths I have to kind of negate the negativity, though I don’t really see it as negativity.

Something interesting and sad about me is that I can be really hard on myself. I think this comes to the surface a lot on my web blog and on Twitter. I’ve been trying not to do it so much lately and really, I think that I’ve done a good job. In reality, I know that I’m not a bad person, but at the same time, I don’t think that I’m a great person.

Why would I say such things? I know that I could be better but, to me, that takes a lot of energy. What “great” means to me is that I can solve everybody’s problems. I can make everybody happy all the time. I can put the maximise the time and energy into my personal relationships. All these things, I feel like I either don’t do well or fail on. It comes from this nagging feeling that everything I do or try to do is inadequate. A lot of times this inadequacy stops me from attempting to do things in fear that the end product won’t be good enough. That would explain all the projects that I start but don’t finish because I know that the end result won’t be that impressive. Sounds like I’m a perfectionist and with some things, I am, but mostly I’m not. I am afraid, even upset, at disapproval from others but I am my own harshest critic. I feel like I have to make everybody happy all the time. (I think I posted about this before.)

It’s just one of those not-so-great qualities about me. I think that summed up what I was trying to say in my last unpublished post.

It’s incredibly frustrating that I don’t have more time in the day. It’s also frustrating that the time I do have is filled with inadequacy too. I work hard (usually) at what I do, but the end result is never what I want… then I take it out on myself.

What does make me great is that I’m usually a very nice, thoughtful person. I’m not bitchy. I’m not mean (most of the time). I’m not racist. I don’t intentionally want to hurt people or their feelings. I try to be a source of support, but this is probably what exhausts me most and I still need to manage this. It’s something I have to provide to a lot of people each day so at the end of the day, I’m just mentally tired.

I always end these things badly (and again, the reoccuring theme pops up of this POST not being good enough), but I guess that can give you a better explanation of why I have over 40 unposted web blog drafts sitting around or why I can barely get any project out the door. It explains why I don’t do podcasting anymore. It explains why I was going to quit this web blog. It just explains a lot. But at the end of the day, I don’t see myself as horrible. Not even bad. I think I’m okay, you know, hovering over that 50% mark somewhere.

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