This isn’t something that I like to bring up, because I’ve told people that I’d much rather remember someone’s life rather than their death, but about 9 years ago, my father passed away very suddenly, about a week after I went back home to Texas with the intention of moving back to the USA.
There are a few posts on Facebook that made me remember my dad’s passing away. I saw a lot of “memories” where people were posting really sweet and caring messages to me.
During that time of my life, I had been really depressed already and by the time I got to the USA, I was already taking some pretty strong anti-depressants so I wouldn’t be constantly unproductive, sad, and feeling miserable all day. When my father passed away, I appeared to take it quite well, I guess you could say. The medications I had to take kind of numbed everything and made me appear to be mostly unaffected by his passing away. I guess you could say that those medications helped me appear to be strong when my mom and sister were having a really hard time.
Now that I am unmedicated, I think back about how that appeared to people. It’s something I think about a lot. But even before I got off the medications, I made a decision not to mourn constantly over his death, but to remember how well we bonded in my adult life. Yeah, my childhood wasn’t full of pleasantness, but he really made an effort when I was older. He apologised for not being the best dad, and you know what? That’s perfectly fine. I am happy with that.
I do miss the guy a lot. I miss going back home and dealing with t his craziness that I didn’t really get until I was older. He was full of wisdom that I ignored when I was a rebellious teen. You look back and appreciate those things. As I type this, I’m not sad or crying, but I’m appreciative of what I had when he was still around.
I also still dream about him which also makes me happy. There are a few times where I have gotten really sad in my dreams, but the rest of the times that I dream about him, it’s been really nice. I might sound crazy, but that is my way of remembering him and reminding myself that someday, somewhere, and somehow, I’ll see him again. I’m content with that.
That’s what I’m thinking about at the moment. I don’t know it would go if I talked about it in a podcast episode, so I’ll just put it here. I’m just remembering my dad and the good times I’ve had.
I just don’t think that it’s nice to remember death dates. I probably wouldn’t have remembered this if I didn’t look at Facebook today and/or yesterday.