One of the most bothersome things I have to deal with is when someone reads my weblog and then uses every little bit of information I put here against me in some way. I’ve had so many arguments with people because of things that I write here (and sometimes, the things I don’t put here).
Let me just say this, you’ve all read about my problems and you’ve seen that I don’t really process things the best way sometimes. I am told that I paint a picture of me doing no wrong, while everybody else irritates the piss out of me. The last time I checked, I’m really hard on myself. If you think the extent of the abuse of my self-esteem stops with this weblog, you’re incredibly wrong. Let’s just say that I nag myself constantly for not being this perfect person that I think I should be (because I feel like it’s what other people want). Yes, I’m still working through that.
I do say negative things about my partner sometimes. I tend to point out things that bother me, because being nice is, um, quite difficult for me to do. Who wants to read a personal journal that’s full of cupcakes, rainbows, unicorns, and smiley faces? No one does because that’s not how life works. I can’t think of anybody I know that has a perfect life. Shit falls apart all the time. People annoy me. I annoy myself. I annoy others. That’s just life.
Basically, my partner reads my weblog sometimes. He says that I go crazy with all the terrible things about him, which isn’t really that true. I’ve told him so many times that this is a therapy for me and without it, my brain would explode for suppressing all these feelings.
I’d rather type my feelings than talk about them and if it doesn’t have an audience, that’s fine. I don’t mind that. At least I’m psychologically punching a punching bag. I need that.
At times like that, I second guess keeping this thing. I probably could keep a private journal, but I think I feel a little better knowing that there are people like me out there who can read this and be like “This sounds like me.” and they don’t feel so different. I mean, with what happens in my head and the constant abuse I put myself through then see what I’m doing about it. I know, I lack a bit of the “what I’m doing about it” part. I’ve improved over the years. I’m a work in progress!
I guess what I’m saying is that if you’re going to read this and base everything about me based on my constant bitching about stuff on here, it’s probably not a good thing to do. My partner’s not that bad. He irritates me sometimes and likewise, I irritate him too. I know I do, but how do I write about the things that I personally irritate him with? I told him to start a weblog and take shots at me if he wants. I’ve offered to set him up with one, and if he really wanted to be an author on this thing, he’s free to do that too. I always wanted to do the collaborative thing.