Is it Fear of Commitment or Married Life?

Hi, weekend!

I’ve been spending time with friends in Melbourne because I don’t get much time to be social with them. Since I’ve moved, my time interacting with people over there have been quite limited. I met up with a friend of mine that I haven’t seen in a really long time and it was really nice. I was telling him about my upcoming plans for 2018 and how I’m supposed to get married mid-year.

Regardless of how sick I get that day, I’ll be there. (I’ve always had this really deep sadness for Miss Havisham. That lady got seriously mentally fucked by being left at the alter.)

He’s completing a degree in psychology, so it was pretty fun for him. He had me come by because he wasn’t sure if he was going to complete it or not and needed some feedback. After hearing about my “issues” he decided he’s going to finish it. I am a bit honoured but I’m also laughing at myself at the same time.

He said it appears that I get overly anxious when I talk about our wedding. I am, because I still don’t know what I’m doing, and the marriage thing is something that I want to do right the first time, and hopefully not have it fall apart. That’s the thing though, I feel like my relationships will fall apart. It’s not that they can fall apart, but they will fall apart, so I ask myself why should I do it or put a lot of effort into it? I am an odd one.

I think about 10 years ago, I accepted that something like this would never happen to me and my gay life was destined to be drifting from person to person (not in a slutty way though). The thought of being with someone who I love for the rest of my life appeals to me. I like that and I love this guy, of course. (It’s hard for me to say the word “love” to anybody, including my family, so that’s major.)

In so many ways I’m looking forward to it but in a few ways, I am dreading it. Some people who I know personally probably don’t believe this, but I absolutely hate being the centre of attention. It caused me a lot of grief when I even did my citizenship ceremony. It’s why I didn’t attend any of my graduations. It’s why I don’t do birthday parties. A wedding where I have several people looking at me? It has horror written all over it.

I have been getting really panicky about it. What’s more interesting is that it’s more than half a year away! I’m already dreading something that is so far away. This is what I deal with internally over just about everything. It makes me very tired, but it also makes me very sad. I haven’t been able to deal with this very well. I do make attempts to put myself in situations where I get what I consider unwanted attention. It is so hard to do, but I do it because I want this to get a bit better.

That’s why I get so anxious about it. I’m scared of the “ceremony” (EVEN if it’s just signing documents), not the results (the being married part).

I guess that’s what’s bothering me right now. A few times, I have just been on the very edge of really panicking. It’s really stopping things getting planned, I think.

I’m really not wanting to sound like some Tumblr drama queen or anything with 130+ problems. This is just something that I continuously struggle with. I hate it and shouldn’t focus on it, but it’s a real emotion that I think a lot of people struggle with.

So basically, it’s not a fear of commitment nor is it a fear of married life. It’s just the attention on the day–something I’m going to be thinking about constantly until it happens. I’m going to just try to deal with it though. He’s not going to be a jilted lover, meaning that I’m not going to show up. I’ll be there, but I’ll probably be barfing my guts up that morning. Some of the last words that my friend said that night was “Don’t you dare leave him at the alter or cancel at the last second.” That won’t happen. I do love the guy and I’ll work through the “pain” for him.

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