One of the reasons I have been able to post so much lately is because I am taking some time off right now. I am also pretty bored, so a lot of thoughts enter into my head. If everything I thought about came out as a post, I think I would drive you good people crazy and I try not to do that.
It’s no secret, my birthday is coming up and like every year, I think about how old I am getting and how next year will be my 20 year anniversary of graduating high school. I think about how much has changed since then and how different my life has turned out. In so many ways, I still feel like that 17- or 18-year-old who just left high school. I still want to go places and do things. I’m not young anymore though, so it’s a lot harder.
But again, something always comes back to haunt me and that’s about my future. Where am I going to end up? One of the hardest things about living away from the country you were born and raised in is the fact that though you don’t always speak highly of it, you still want to go back sometimes. That is where my family is, after all. I don’t know if I will ever live in my hometown again, but I am pretty sure I want to try to give New York another go. I do miss New York. I think that it will be much less likely to chew me up and spit me out. (Not that it happened in the first place. I loved living there. It was hard, but it was exciting and fun.)
Every so often, I think about this. It doesn’t mean that I am going to pack my bags and leave tomorrow but I think at some point I will. I’ll get there and then realise how much I miss Australia, and come back here. Then I’ll go to the USA. It’s just so hard because I honestly love Australia so much. I am pretty happy here but I also wished that I had my family a little closer. That’s what bothers me the most and as I get older, I am wanting to spend more time with them, but right now, I can’t. It’s incredibly frustrating.
I just don’t know when any of this is going to happen yet. It’s also a little bit harder when I have a partner who may or may not want to stay in the USA just in case. I haven’t really discussed it much. Where we are is closer to his family in India, and really closer to his family living in Australia (who live in the same suburb as we do, and who he visits often). I know what it feels like missing my nephews growing up and because my sister won’t be having anymore (that I know of), I won’t have that opportunity anymore.
It’s just something to think about. I want to make us both happy but we have a lot of planning to do and I’m sure we’ll have a lot of compromising to do which might actually veer towards some uncomfortable consequences. I don’t know that though. We will see though.
Is this a normal part of ageing, by the way? My sister told me the other day that this is the age where she really started thinking about things and how she’s probably more than halfway to her death. Yeah, we’re a morbid family.