It's been a few days since I've done a "real" journal entry so I thought I'd start with this one. I can say that I feel mildly better but still feel like I'm more or less stuck here for the holidays. Yeah, a bit bummed out. Not always the best feeling. I also woke up before 7 am this morning due to the huge amount of Mexican food I ate last night. I am way too gassy. You better be glad that you're not here because you will die from farts. Of course, I have more productive things to do when I fart than this. Plus that's a really good way to ruin a perfectly good cake (both what gets done to the cake and the trailer trash girl who's... um, doing her thing. It's a surprise. Watch it.)
I have a bit of an announcement to make but I have to wait about a week to be sure. It doesn't affect you directly but I don't want to say anything without getting everything set up first. (You see what happens when I announce something especially with a date of completion, right?) I'm staying absolutely silent on this.
God I'm tired. But I refuse to be unproductive today.
I said I had things to say but I am thinking that's it. I definitely had to share that link with you.
Oh yes, and I also want to play Animal Crossing for the Wii.
Just a quick one:
Almost 1 year ago (about 10 months really)
And today
Another update. I know my last entry was a bit cryptic and mysterious. You know with the "there are things going on around me" bit. I also said there are times where I wish I had someone to talk to about things.
A lot of my friends here have figured out that I'm not much on expressing myself clearly or at all. I'll admit right here, right now that I do have a problem with that but I want to be up front and express what's going on around me. (I'll probably repeat this is a podcast at some point though.)
As a lot of you know, my relationship with my partner (who reads this sometimes) has gone downhill. And this time, I really have no one really to blame but myself. We have been talking about me returning to the USA and I just don't want to cause any more problems. The things that I did to cause this were very wrong. I can't say too much about it, but sometimes I ask myself what exactly kind of person I am. Am I really this heartless kind of guy who goes around breaking everybody's hearts?
Sadly, I am. And do I see something wrong with that? You bet I do. I really do because people should not be treated the way that I've been treating them. I can be so cruel to people sometimes and sometimes I don't seem to be bothered by it.
I... after a while, I have realized a few things. Well I've brainwashed myself not to have many feelings and to hold them inside. I thought a podcast of my own would help me get those feelings out but I still hold in a lot. I mean, a lot. You can see that because I am not willing to tell you why exactly we have threatened to return me to the USA. And I won't. But yes, I have realized that it's hard to tell my partner what I want and what I expect. I have such a huge fear of rejection that I feel like I need to get approval and attention from everybody else. When I do get rejected, it makes me stand a distance away and distance myself from the people that might care for me most. I've done that with my partner.
I sometimes feel alone where I want to just head back home and pretend like none of this ever happened. But then I know when I return I won't be satisfied. I never am. I'll realize about a week later that I am the weakest individual that gave up a great opportunity. I'll hate myself for it.
You people, especially the people who have started reading and listening to me within the last two years or so, probably think that I have never liked my partner or got along with him well. Well, no that's not fully true.
My partner was once the light of my life and sure, I didn't always listen to his advice. I am stubborn like that. Sometimes that got me into a lot of trouble. But it was more or less the reason why I was still breathing. I never wanted more to be with him and well, I guess we see that it's what brought me here more or less. Over the past while, I have felt a separation between us. And when I try to talk, I feel like I'm not being listened to. I don't feel like an equal anymore but more of a burden and it pushes me away. So I've told myself that he doesn't really care and it has pushed me to do things that I really shouldn't do. No amount of "sorry's" can help that.
The holidays are coming up and I'm bothered to death over what's going on. I miss my family so much. I hate myself for not being able to attend my friends wedding so I'm looking for excuses to go back. Am I willing to completely kill my relationship to do it? Sometimes I wonder. I shouldn't have to do that.
I need to feel like me again. I need to feel like I have some life in these veins of mine and the heart of an angel. As I told one of my friends recently, my spirit has been broken and it's turned me into a very nasty, bitter person and I don't want to do that. I don't want to feel like I have to run into another person's arms to get emotional support though 99.98% of the time it doesn't work anyway. I honestly miss myself. I'm tired of feeling like this hollowed out shell of a human being who is on a never-ending quest to find a heart of gold.
OK, so I got my feelings out. And I hope you enjoyed it. That's not an every day thing. I know it's a long one.
I'm typing this on my iPod so excuse the typos if there are any.
There are things going on around me and I'll have to share that in podcast form. A lot of important changes are coming. And no I don't mean my website. At the moment it's the least of my worries so I'll throw that bad boy on the back burner for now.
Can't say everything that is happening is all his fault this time. But yeah you get the drift.
There are times when I wish I had someone to talk to and I don't. Not with someone that will not have a biased opinion. I get lonely sometimes. Really.
Alright, so the new expansion of World of Warcraft just came out. It's called "Wrath of the Lich King". And as scary as liches are and how addictive WoW can be, I am passing for now. But it's one of those things that I want because I want. I've actually seen how this stupid game can tear holes into people's personal and professional lives. It's sad. And of course, I still want to play it.
As many of you know, I have cancelled my account mostly because I don't see the point of paying $13-15 per month for something that just isn't real. Sure, it eats time but after an hour I'm about 74% brain-dead and there's that 75% chance that I just don't know when to stop and get back to the real world. I think the longest I've sat down and played for about 4 hours in a row and I was like "Shit, look at the time!"
I've probably mentioned it before but every so often I will read WoW Detox which has tens of thousands of sob stories about people's addictions and such. Some of them seem like they're written by 10 year olds, but it's a sad reality that people get addicted to these things. I also think a break can help me focus on things that I need to do besides wasting an hour or two every other day. (I don't play every day.)
Speaking of wasting time, I've come to the semi-concrete decision that I hate most of my redesigned website. I need to work on it longer so I'm not expecting it to be done by the time I do my next podcast episode which will probably be next week instead of 1.5-2 weeks from now. I still plan on taking it easy though. I was going to simply integrate the weblog into the website but um, yeah it's not that simple. It could be done but will take me a long time of sitting in front of the computer playing with lots of code. Having said this, I'll still work on it.
I have also been doing the webcam thing as of late (while testing). You should check it every once in a while here. (Can't link it directly since things will (possibly) change soon.)
That's it from me for now. I hope you all are doing well. :)
Continuing the tradition of posting in my weblogs while my podcast is in "hiatus" for whatever reason (aka laziness), I thought I'd write something here. For some reason today, I am exhausted. I just got a haircut today and I guess that's mellowed me out.
Actually, as the woman was cutting my hair she brushed it back and my first thought was "Wow, where did all my hair go? I'm going bald and going bald fast!"
My initial thoughts on going bald were "Well, it's going to happen anyway so I'll let it." I'm luckier than some have been where it just started creeping up on me in the last year. Now I'm asking myself if I should do something about it.
And I'm laying down in that picture. I haven't gained a triple chin. Not yet at least.
But you know what's funny, I find it amazing that people still find me attractive after all this time. I'm flattered. I know I have physical flaws but still, people tell me that I'm attractive and it sorta makes me smile. I don't believe for a second that I'm "hot" or "sexy". I'll take "cute" any day of the week. I still like my nose and my lips. Not so hot on the dark circles and bags around my eyes. (I have gone through that most of my life because of allergies.)
On the same subject as balding, I wished I looked good with a shaved head. Some guys who are balding or have a shaved head are so sexy. I love a nice receding hairline.
So yes, that's how I am feeling. Balding, yeah. I don't think I'm going to do anything about it because it will happen anyway. But I really, really wish I could either shave it all off or at least have enough to style. I miss my spiky hair. I miss it blonde. That's probably why it's all gone now. :)
Goodnight. I'm having an early night tonight and will hopefully be working on my website a bit tomorrow.
I had written some blog posts before but didn't post them. I made a list of my favorite and unfavorite things at the moment and it just didn't cut it so I deleted it. Some of my favorite things include short, muscular men. I'd show you an example but I think you just have to see them face to face. Funny thing is that I never think muscular men are interested. So I don't bother to look. I end up getting the attention of usually Asian men who are skinnier than I am. Not that there's anything wrong with that either.
I'm not even going to say how much I miss Latinos and Mexicans. And black men. And anybody in between that are in the USA.
Enough of that. It has been long speculated that I was in the market for an iPhone. Here in Australia, I do the pre-paid cell phone thing because I just don't care about the plans here. I was under the impression that my provider, 3, changed their pre-paid plans. They did add some, but they didn't touch the old ones. I thought they did. What's funny is that I barely even use $10 a month to use my phone. They went from $30 for 2 months to $29 a month. Sure you get more value for your money and the regular plans start out at $29/month too. So it's like getting a real plan though you're pre-paid. My money expired today so I recharged with $30 again which sets me until January next year. That means I don't have to get an iPhone until then. But I'm thinking about getting a new phone anyway because this one sucks.
The little black frame around the screen pulls my hair, the sound is full of static and it's just ugly. But I'd say it does pretty good for a phone made in early 2004. I'd just like a new phone that doesn't cause me a lot of grief. Unfortunately, I'd really like an iPhone so I can get rid of this ugly piece of garbage and my iPod Touch.
That is it. I need to gt out of here. Everybody have fun.
I'm in bed right now. I could point a camera at myself if I was a cam whore but I'm not. Not anymore.
It's funny because having a webcam was all the rage like ten years ago. To me it seems like that's not the case anymore.
I remember getting my first one in my Windows days and just how much trouble I had getting the damn thing working. I paid over $100 for it. Kinda like how I paid out the nostrils for Apple's iSight. You know the detachable one which I miss. I still use it as a microphone. For idioPod even.
Funny how ten years ago (probably before now I think about it) I didn't do much naughty stuff using it. I'll admit I DID but not much. I did use it to draw attention to my website but that's it.
Webcams for me these days have lost their fun. I can barely look at myself let alone let dozens look at me.
Will the cam return as a novelty device? Maybe. Or have I stopped caring completely? Probably.
There haven't been many times where I am proud of a podcast episode. This is one of the good ones I've done since doing them with Brandi. It's like the good old days where my podcast episodes were excruciatingly long. I guess it's to make up for all the shorter ones that I've been doing lately. I had a lot to say about my plans for my podcast, website, world news and such.
NOTE: I am taking a break from podcasting for two weeks. I should be back around Thanksgiving, 27 November 2008.
Download idioPod 49 here (45 min 15 sec, 21.6 MB) or subscribe here.
I talk about these things mostly:
Idiologic/idioPod News
- Progress or lack thereof of redesign, still pushing to be done when #50 comes.
- End of the year slowdown and why
- Downscaling idioPod for next year, no immediate plans to quit
- Taking a break 8-23 November 2008 (please stay subscribed!)
- The importance of feedback
- New mobile version of idiologic soon
World News
- Being a proud American again
- Iffy on the future with Barack Obama as President (but still happy)
- Still sad for Hillary
- Anger of outcome of Proposition 8 in California
My Vacation
- Went to Gold Coast for 5 days
- Theme parks, water parks and hot dads
- Water park hell
- Shirtless hairy Ben... did it happen?
- New photos at idiologic.com/gallery.
Upcoming Events
- I'm turning 29 soon
- Cost cutting and selling things
- Please use my local Texas number
- A call for hosting cost donations (if you want to, not required)
- Have questions? Ask them using my regular email form. Make up a name/email if you want.
Questions Answered
- I am handed two envelopes: a red one and a blue one. Regardless of what might be inside, which one would I pick?
- First Aid: How do you control bleeding? (Not gross but can save a life)
- What do I want to know more about?
Skype Me:
I updated the blogging software so if something doesn't work, please for the love of God and all that is holy, let me know. Especially the commenting because that's usually what screws up and no one bothers to tell me.
Right now, I am hard at work (and not working hardly) on the new Idiologic. I'm testing myself and making an iPhone/iPod Touch friendly version which should look awesome on any phone. But it's a prototype just to see if I can do it. This is what it looks like:
First priority is to get this damned thing finished. Tomorrow, I will be creating and posting a new idioPod which I creatively call #49. I have a lot of important announcements regarding the future of idioPod and my web presence. I'm sure we all saw it coming, right? It's not like I didn't warn you. It will be a long one and I don't mean that in a dirty way.
Oh, PS: I'm not quitting.
