February 2009 Archives

I have been getting emails and comments from people about yesterday's post which yeah I was a bit emotional there. It doesn't happen often. After I headed to work, I was going through all the stages you typically go through when something like that happens. I was sad and depressed at first. I was thinking to myself "Why can't I be good enough?" Then that moved to disgust as in "How could I put myself through this and still want to wake up in the morning?" Then came the feeling of anger and revenge. That's when things got ugly. I had been talking with a friend and told him I didn't really care what happens with Gilbert. I would much rather him just go away and never come back. I was plotting against him and thought, "Hey, that credit card that's in both of our names, I'm going to run it up to the credit limit and just disappear. I can get that iPhone I've been thinking I want. Pre-paid even." But then after that, I overlapped anger with my planning and came to the conclusion that yes, I should work more. Not for him, but for me. After all, I am in a jam over things. Not in a good jam though, more like a rancid garlic and onion mustard jam. I need to find something more permanent.

I have issues people. My self-esteem and confidence are pretty much hovering over the floor. That's no one's fault but my own. I'm not happy with my progress in life so far nor am I happy with my looks. Yes, there are days that I'd love to do myself, but that's besides the point. And I see all these blogs about people and how they have x, y and z (insert emotional or mental excuses, I mean problems there) and that's why they have to hate themselves, be scared of going out in public and junk. Excuses basically. I might be ugly and broke, but damn it, life's too short to be sitting on my bum doing nothing.

Moving on, I was actually going to do my top 10 video games today or record a podcast. I'll leave the podcast creation until Monday and probably post the video game thing this weekend. Have you read the first part of it? It's here.

I've been watching the Australian version of The Biggest Loser and it's really making an impact on what I eat. I think it's making an impact on what other people eat too. I went out to eat at an Italian restaurant and totally made a pig out of myself. (Did you know that the last time I watched, they had a temptation thing with Italian food and there was some kind of dish people eat that has all the calories you're supposed to have in ONE day?!) I am actually paying for it today because I've got the worst case of indigestion possible. I can't sleep because of it. Oh anyway, I had a half serving of lasagne and about 1/4 of a large pizza. That's pretty damn good considering I used to eat about 3/4 of a pizza (or a whole one) here from Pizza Hut. La Porchetta has good pizzas I have to admit. Not wild about their ravioli but their pizzas are good. Very good. I also made another discovery while reading the nutrition facts on peanut M&Ms! Eating the whole bag will give you like 110% of the carbs you're supposed to have and 150% of the sugar you're supposed to have in one day. Geez. Why can't I ever find a food I like that won't rot your insides?!

ALSO, before I forget. My co-country podcaster Twitter-friend and listener Scott from Brisbane has started his own podcast called "Little Aussie Battler". If you want to have a listen, you can from his site. He's away in Indonesia now and his feeds are kind of screwed up at the moment, so hang in there.

And if you're curious what an Aussie Battler is, I will send you here.

Today's just going to be one of those days I'm afraid. I'm kind of feeling a bit bummed out and upset with a few things. There are times like these that I really need someone to talk to which I don't feel I really have here. Apparently that's what partners are for. Unfortunately, mine's not very supportive in anything I do, say or think. A majority of our conversation revolves around money and how I never do enough. If I work 40 hours, I didn't work enough. Why didn't I do 50 or 60? Not that it ever happens but honestly, nothing's good.

So I wake up after a night of complaining, walk into the living room to let the dog out and he says "Come here, look at this." And I look at it and it's some kind of thing to go on a vacation. I just walked away from that. Usually if he wants me to go on a vacation it's not because he wants to spend time with me, it's because if I go, he'll save 50%. So I just walked away, went to pee and brought the dog in. Then went right to bed and waited for him to go to work. After he leaves, I get back out of bed.

Weekends are horrible for me and I usually take the weekends off so I can spend time with him. But maybe I should be working on weekends or just spend some time away. It's a really sad time when you do whatever you can to avoid the person you've been with for the past several years.

A big part of me just wants to get my nursing stuff done and over with so I can just stay here on my own two feet without someone hovering over me saying one day "Give me $50/week" which in a few days turns into "Give me $120/week". He seems to forget who it was that left his home country, paid for school out of his own pockets, cleans the house and cooks for him. And I've said it before, he is making roughly 4-5 times as much as I do working full-time... on my best day. If there is a way to profit from something, he'll definitely take that route.

His money-loving personality is going to be his downfall. I'm already to the point where I am unhappy in the relationship and have no say-so or respect in that relationship. So honestly, why bother? I'm already pushed aside most of the time I've been here and barely get any affection whatsoever. So I'm in a hard spot right now.

I'm also not the best partner either and hoard my money so I can pay for the things I need to because if I didn't, I wouldn't get any support from him. It seems like if I put money into our joint account he takes it and doesn't let me know until much later that he took it. Like it's up to me to figure out where it went. I've lost about $1,000 that way so I stopped putting money there. I guess that has him furious that he doesn't have that income anymore. A lot of people tell me that he should be obligated to be more of the financial provider in this relationship and I agree. He doesn't because his money is precious and he needs it all.

Anyway I need to stop bitching and get on with life so I'm going to do something for myself. Even if it is going to work. You people take good care of yourselves and I hope you feel better than I do.

Initially, I wasn't going to make a weblog entry about this but I thought I should. If you go to the main page of Idiologic, you'll realize that it's gone back to the blue theme. I have removed the daily changing theme and I'll let you pick your own. At the bottom of the main page (and a few other pages) there is a thing that looks like this:

All you have to do is click one of the colored squares and there you go. It's a new theme for you. No more avoiding my website on Thursdays because it's yellow but if you want yellow, you can have yellow. I'll be updating some of them with better themes at some point. I honestly just wanted to see if I could do it!

The changes you make to the color theme will stay for 180 days unless you have cookies disabled. If you don't have cookies enabled, then you'll see the blue theme every time. I'll re-enable the changing theme at some point as an option, but not now. It can be done quite easily but I'm burnt out on website editing today.

I also made a few other changes like:

• Mobile version removal: With mobile web browsers being able to display full websites now, I have decided to cancel making a new mobile version.
• Weblog links are now one-click: Click the weblog links and go to the weblog. It's that simple.
• Rogue text fixed: No more letters and stuff on the webcam if you're viewing my site with a small screen.
• FAQ changes: The FAQ page now reflects the color theme changes. You can even change it from there if you want, but don't expect immediate results.

Also, I thought this was worth mentioning. I am seriously thinking about saving myself $150 a year and closing shop. I have a few more weeks to decide what I'm going to do. So if I disappear, that's why. :) Do you have me added to your friends at Facebook?

I've been taking a back seat to my journal posting as of late and I guess for a good reason. There's not much going on. So that's why I'm going to do something a little different and share with you some of my most favorite games ever from the games when I was a very little kid (and even before that).

When I was around 5 or 6 years old, my parents shelled out the money for the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) and it came with the R.O.B. who I still love to this day (though my mom broke him when I was younger and I had to put him in the garbage). It was really hard to part with him. Then of course, after that, I had everything that Nintendo made as far as the gaming consoles go. You know, except for that crappy Virtual Boy. Thanks, but no thanks that thing was a downright piece of crap.

So here I go on a list of, um, let's say 20. If you're looking for the top 10, you can go here.

20. Super Mario Brothers 2

I had to put this somewhere. I loved to play as Toad. A lot though really he sucked. Of course, I was pretty pissed off when I found out it was all a dream. I really hate getting screwed out of endings. I also loved how Luigi would kick his legs when he jumped and the Princess floated for a few seconds. Let's just say that I played this game waaaaay too much. Such a departure from the first one. What a shame. (That one didn't make the list... it just wasn't amusing enough.) Link

19. Final Fantasy IX (Playstation)

Yes, I had a Playstation for a very, very short time and the only game I had for it was Final Fantasy IX so I'm a little bit biased. It had some of the most interesting characters, good music and gameplay. The reason that it's #19 is pretty much because I found out there's a lot of games that I like. I loved

18. Duke Nukem 3D

I played DN3D way too much when I was younger. I especially liked making half-assed maps and could only play with the God Mode enabled so yeah, I'm a bit of a cheater. What I don't like is Duke's crappy attitude. Flashing strippers are always fun though. You can't have a good game without blowing up strippers, right?

17. Doom II

Doom II got tons of gameplay over the years. Several years after it was released in fact. Again, I made maps like crazy just for experimentation I guess because they all sucked. Things here got a little creepy when there was a big monster thing going around shooting missles. I played this during a time when I was actually super scared to play this stuff at night. Doom 3 came along and, well, I played it and it was cool but still prefer the old school stuff.

16. Super Mario 64 (N64 and DS)

This is definitely one of the hardest games I ever played but you know what? There was a lot to find in Super Mario 64. I actually picked up my Nintendo 64 and this game with a credit card I somehow got when I was 17. I still wonder how it happened that I could go spend money I didn't have. That was my first lesson in spending. I actually like the DS version more but well... it's all OK.

15. Bezerk

Growing up, some of the best games I played was for the Atari. And this is a game that I somehow found hours and hours of fun in playing. You know, except when that bouncing happy face would come along for taking too long. I think what I liked about this game was the sound the robots made (yes, those ARE robots) when they'd shoot. It sounded like some kind of robotic cat.

14. The Simpsons Arcade Game

I went to one of those children's pizza places up until I was around 15 and would play this game. I never got very far because it was so damn hard but I liked playing as Marge. For some reason I thought it was cool to hit things with a vacuum cleaner. Well I thought it was cool when Marge did it. It was my game of choice at the pizza place. It was funny because all of my aunts and uncles would be more excited to go than their kids it seemed but it was a nice way to spend time with them.

13. Pro Wrestling

I loved playing Pro Wrestling. I was always the black guy whose name was Giant Panther. I liked how he grabbed people by the face. And I liked the referee guy in the ring. He looks like he lacks emotion or hates his job. But anyway, this game brings back a memory of when I "found" about $80 and put it in my pocket only to get caught later. I said I thought it was mine. I remember someone had given me some money to crawl under the house to get something so I used that as my excuse for taking it. Also one of the guys there that had to be about 8 years older than me at the time really wanted me to stay over that night. I didn't. That's Texas for you.

12. Metroid (NES)

Ah good old Metroid. You'll see a few of these games up here because I'm a major fan of the Metroid series. I'm a major weenie for the music on games and this has to be one of my all-time favorites. I think I just really liked games that I had lots of places to explore. What I hated though was the password system. I mean honestly, who wants to spend 10 minutes putting in a password? Still, pretty darn fun stuff here.

11. Zelda II: The Adventure of Link (NES)

Not my favorite Zelda game but I still loved playing. I think I finished Zelda 2 about twice in my life and probably one time was by entering in a Game Genie code. It was definitely a change from the first one but yeah, still pretty fun. I liked to find all the secrets because I knew that when I walked somewhere and the screen flashed, I didn't know what was coming up. I was like "Oh, cool." Then the next day I'd tell all my friends about it. Then I'd hear all the lies about how they've already finished it.

And of course, 10 til 1 is coming on a later date. Probably on Friday. This entry is already a lot to absorb so I'm not going to overdo it. My next 10 have newer stuff in it. I hope you liked this one. It was hard to put together and I know I didn't put it together very well. It's not supposed to be a professional list or anything. :)

Update: If you want to read the top 10, you can go here to read that after you're done here.

Alright, here we go. For some reason, all the batteries in my Wii when I got back home from the USA were dead. I'm not really sure why or how they all ran out of juice, but they did. So I used about 8 AA batteries to bring them to life. So that was great. (Actually the Wii Balance Board just got it's batteries today... like 2 weeks late.)

I had promised myself that I would get on a better diet when I got back to Australia. But the horror stories I heard was that my partner's mother piles on the food. And lord, she does. So I thought I would wait until she's gone. She hasn't left yet, but I wanted to see exactly how much work I needed to do. So I fired up my friend Wii Fit which I haven't turned on in MONTHS.

I stood on the scale and weighed myself. I knew I gained weight but not that much. I had gained 4.9 kg which is almost 11 pounds in a few months. That is BAD.

So that's why I am going to reinstate my diet I should have started months ago. And I am hoping I can get back to a decent weight. I am RIGHT on the edge of being overweight, did you know that? My Body Mass Index is like 24.37 and when you hit 25, you're overweight. NEVER in my life have I been overweight. NEVER.

So it's time for a dietary change. I'll see if that works because to me, exercising sucks.

It was always my intention of showing you guys that it doesn't cost money to lose weight besides the costs it takes to buy better food. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take pictures later about how fat I am and post them up for the world to see. And I hope it only gets better.

I am going to try to lose about 1 kg every 2 weeks which is about 2 pounds a week for a while. So in about a month and a little more, I should be able to lose what I gained. Let's hope so. Whether I like it or not, I'll have to exercise and I'll try to document what I've done here.

Crisis at my house finding papers, so I have to go. Have fun.

Oh God I've been suffering for the past few days. Yes that's right. I am still sick with the flu. Something tells me (and I'm sure my employer will be too) to just get a freakin' flu shot every year. I mean honestly I really should. My sister was sick with something and I think it took about 3 weeks for me to finally get it. Surprisingly, my partner's mom hasn't gotten sick yet but I hear her cough sometimes.

Today, and thank goodness I got my podcast done yesterday, I have no voice. Well it sounds just like I did in one of my podcasts where I was sick and did a podcast episode anyway. Yes, folks, that's idioPod #9 Part 2: I'm Really Sick. This time around, I sound like the guy who sings "Chocolate Rain". Wonderful fun. It's always fun to see what a sore throat can do to me. I've tried to keep myself quiet today to give my throat some time to rest.

I have a lot of work to do tomorrow so I need to get my ass to bed methinks. That's all. Really.

Wow, Delta is going to start flying to Sydney for like $499. Awesome. Some of you people fly your asses over here.

How can you love and hate something at the same time? Especially food?

In this podcast, I am sick but I am still dedicated damn it.

Very hot on the heels of idioPod 57 is idioPod 58. It's been a while since I've been able to do one a week so I thought I'd treat you guys to a podcast in case you like care and stuff. I also have a few questions that I'll answer.

Ooooh, a topic list? Of what? Well, here it is:

• Continued from idioPod 57: I'm officially sick
• My dream last night about my partner's step father (who doesn't exist), grabbing private parts
• Bushfire arrest and his ugly ex-girlfriend who looks like the "Queen of the Trailer Park" (not much details, just info from the news)
• How I hate Milo (the drink) and love Milo cereal
• Questions regarding:
• • Valentine's Day plans and my opinion
  • My relationship's glue or the lack thereof
  • Irresponsible parents
  • Good first impressions with online dating
  • My biggest flaws
• Go to idiologic.com and send in your questions, comment and stuff. I'll love you at least 3 times more if you do.

This podcast episode is 21 minutes 56 seconds and weighs around 10 MB.

Comment with a question or two! Download "idioPod 58: Love and Hate for Milo" here or listen below.

Subscribe here.

It's Sunday and I feel like crap. You remember how I sounded on my last podcast? I feel about 11 times worse now. I'm afraid my sinuses are getting infected. I have to breathe through my mouth which is never a good thing. On Valentine's Day, I went out on my own to meet a friend of mine. We sat around eating noodles but still it was a pretty good day.

Immigration has asked for more evidence of Gilbert's and my relationship and it's harder than I thought it would be. A bit of a headache on top of the headache I already have. I mean, when you live together it's kind of hard to send them letters and stuff we write. I don't bother when we're physically together. And because I was studying, he was paying for almost everything. It's not fun at all.

That's all I have to say for now. Bye.

Happy 31st Birthday to Gilbert!

First, I'd like to say that I am doing fine despite the bushfires and such.

I'm actually shocked that I got this done today. I woke up feeling really sick because it was cool last night and the fan was on. (I like the noise). So of course I sound sick. Right now as I type this, it's gone away which figure. I made a list of things to chat about so I have a nice short list of topics I cover.

Ooooh, a topic list? Of what? Well, here it is:

• My partner's birthday, his super special gift and him being unorganized* as hell
• The bushfires here in the great state of Victoria (Consider making a donation to the Australian Red Cross or even a local charity to help out those in need.)
• Possibly (75% sure) heading back to school to continue my coursework
• Changes in temperature (from one extreme to the next) and other idle chit-chat

This podcast episode is 20 minutes 57 seconds and weighs around 9.6 MB. * - I'm American. I can spell with Z's.

Comment with a question or two! Download "idioPod 57: A Taste of China" here or listen below.

Subscribe here.

This will be insanely short but I know I have said the next episode is coming but sadly it's not ready yet because of all the commotion here. So I'm thinking it might have to wait until next week. Thanks to you guys who are hanging in there and waiting. I appreciate it.

I forgot to mention that Victoria is on fire as we speak. Luckily, I am not that affected except for the bad air. And a lot of people are losing their houses and more importantly, their lives. To help my fellow Aussies out, please consider donating to Australian Red Cross.

I am okay though. I haven't really looked outside today but yesterday it looked like it was going to rain all day. In fact it did, but I think a lot of the "clouds" were clouds of smoke.

Take care of yourselves.

Hi there. This isn't going to be that exciting as far as an update goes but I did want you to know that I have been working in the shadows making improvements to my main website. Probably nothing that you can see right now but I am working on or will be working on these things:

• Easier to Contact Me: No more annoying window on top of the webpage for contacts. In the past you had to click about 3 or 4 times to send me an email. I've reduced that to two. Now it's more easier than ever to get your message sent to me in any way you want whether it is by email or by instant messaging.
• PLANNED COSMETIC CHANGE - Problems with Email Form and Webcam: I know that if you try to view the email form or webcam with the iPhone (Safari), iPod Touch (Safari), Opera for DS and Opera for Wii, you'll get text and graphics where you really don't want graphics. So I'm going to be working on that soon. This IS on the to-do list so it will be done.
• PLANNED - Color Preferences: I've decided to go ahead and implement theme changes for those who want it. The default theme will still be dynamic though, meaning that it will change from day to day. But if you go to the preferences and change the color, it will stay that color until you delete the site cookie or tell the preferences to do something new. The color choices will be blue, red, green, orange, yellow, purple and brown.

Right now that is what is planned. So I know there are some issues and I plan to fix them. I'm also going to tell you that I'll be working on a new idioPod tomorrow. idioPod 57 will be called "A Taste of China" and I'll divulge some of what's going on in my relationships and such and a few hints of backhanded good news. So be looking for it anytime between Friday and Tuesday. :)

Yeah I know, this is so unlike me posting things like this... but I just couldn't help myself. I don't know about you, but I would be super embarrassed if I was associated with this story.

Man thrown over 4-metre balcony by protective lover (The Age)

The best way to stop that from happening? Don't have group sex, period. And don't binge drink. And don't smoke pot. And don't have unprotected sex. It's so easy like that.

I am so tired so I'm heading to bed. I was just reading news and such before I head to bed, so good night to you all.

Welcome back to Australia, Ben!

idioPod is back to Australia. This is the first episode that was done after I (Ben) have returned to Australia and you'd really think that I was going to be more chatty about things, but I'm not. The fact of the matter is that my partner's mother is asleep in the other room so I had to use a lower volume inside voice. I am pretty much whispering in this one which causes some throat problems, namely coughing. Needless to say, I missed this country and it's great to be back.

What do I talk about in this episode? Random things. Very random things like:

• Why I must be quiet
• Back in Australia, love for the country, people and my future plans
• Where is my partner, his birthday this Saturday and he'll be turning the big 3-1
• Catching up on podcasts like Ongline Podcast and Nick Thomas's Podcast
• Severe weather changes cause me to feel like absolute crap
• Downright hatred for Auckland's (New Zealand) International Airport, Customs and passport issues
• Thinking: Slash idioPod.com next year and beginning the transition this year
• Weenie dog talk with a soundbite of my dog in the USA (Andy) growling for trying to move him
• Go to idiologic.com for the latest weblog entries and ask questions!

This podcast episode is 17 minutes 30 seconds and weighs a little over 8 MB.

Comment with a question or two! Download "idioPod 56: Must Be Quiet" here or listen below.

Subscribe here.

The heat wave is now over and I can again step outside. Well I kind of have to go to work. I'm still not doing full-time for a while but heavily considering it. Why because there are too many things I want. And for me to get the things I want, there is this thing called money that I'm already short of. But I'm not going to bitch about that. Not now anyway.

Things are going fine with Gilbert's mom and me. I mean it probably is or in the back of her head she might think I'm lazy because I never cook. I don't really. She cooks most of the time and I figure it's a good thing to let her. You see, I have a mildly "weird" way to look at treating older people and that's to let them do what they're capable of. No one likes to lose their independence so I give them as much as I can. I'm not like "Here, walk down these 8 flights of stairs if you can." No, I meant simple things. She loves cooking and I don't want to take that away from her. And I won't but I will be there when she needs me.

Gilbert's birthday is on Saturday so I have to figure out what I want to get him. He's usually gone on business or something on his birthday so this will be one of the few times we've spent his birthday together. His mom will be here so nothing naughty.

So having that said, I want to tell you that idioPod 56 is coming soon probably before Gilbert gets back. And it wouldn't be posted until Wednesday afternoon. One afternoon at least which will be late in the night in the USA.

So having all this said and out in the open, I must leave you now. I have to use the toilet.

Every so often I like to take a look to see what people are searching for when they want to come to my site. And do I have a list for you! This is the latest search term list:

peg pelvis pete and "oh my god it's peg pelvis pete"

Maybe you're looking for this video? It's from Ren and Stimpy and it's my favorite episode when they make their own cartoon. Funny as hell back when Ren and Stimpy was funny and not so gay if you know what I mean.

idiologic

Sometimes people are just lazy to type in the whole web address, so they do it in the search bar instead. Like me.

site:www.idiologic.com home

Apparently people are looking for the front page quite a bit.

pubes

Yes, I have them but not so fond of them. That's why I keep them nicely trimmed. It's called manscaping and it's not such a bad thing. Gay and straight guys both do this. It's OK.

going bald fast and going bald how fast

Definitely happening to me, but you know what? It's nature's way. I say let nature takes its course. Plus some balding or shaved men can be sexy to both guys and girls. I lost a majority of mine in the past 3 years but I won't try to stop it. I don't really know anybody who has tried to stop it but people tell me Rogaine is the way to go.

hurricane ike

Hurricane Ike totally sucked for my family. I wasn't there but of course, seeing how I just returned from the area, it's still a wreck. A lot of the trees were poisoned with salt water and it's just not the same. I hate hurricanes now.

sexy naked guy picture

If you're looking for naked photos, you're looking in the wrong place. Especially if you're looking for naked pictures of me. This is the last place I keep them.

men shirless [shirtless] and sexy muscular men

You must be looking for this post. Or if you're looking for a picture of me shirtless, you'll find that in this weblog post. But I warn you, it's not pretty. I am going to start a new diet this year though so hopefully I can get myself managed.

weenie dogs

Yes, I have two dachshunds. They're called weenie dogs or sausage dogs. One is here in Australia (named Felix) and the other is in the USA with my parents and he's named Andy.

jello shot cake

I've never heard of this so let's try to find a recipe for it. Here you go and it's even got some rum in it.

photofun erotic and sexsi photofun

As I said, you're most likely not going to find that here.

googl

This is misspelled and I don't think that I'd misspell something like Google.

how can i tell i'm going bald?

I was going to group this with the balding one, but here. You know you're going bald because when you take a shower, you see hairballs on the drain. No seriously, people go bald in different ways. If you think you're going bald and want to get a head start on it, as I said, grab some Rogaine and/or stop bleaching/coloring your hair!

interdependency visa quota

I've searched for this myself but I definitely know there's a quota. The interdependency visa is a tough visa to get and I submitted my second application in August 2008. They're getting to the ending stages of it now. There are a lot of great resources for this and one of them is yanksdownunder.net if you want to check that out. It's especially useful for people in my position: those from the US wanting to migrate to Australia for any reason.

conversation heart

Yeah, you might be thinking about the mean things I did to a girl in the 8th grade. My podcast number 37 called "Conversation Hearts" tells you the very, very mean thing I did to her with conversation hearts. Not my nicest moment, but here you go.

i hate my life so much

You shouldn't hate your life. Count your blessings. You might not see the blessings now, but you have to dig deep within yourself to find out what makes you special. Things may not be working out right now, but you'll make it. I promise. If you need someone to talk to, I am here and I'll give you straight-to-the-point advice. Just email me. (If you are ever considering suicide, you really need to tell someone close to you and get some help. It doesn't make you a bad person to get help for this... we all have moments in our lives where our coping mechanisms are out of whack. You'll appreciate it later.)