Feelings Spilling Over

Another update. I know my last entry was a bit cryptic and mysterious. You know with the "there are things going on around me" bit. I also said there are times where I wish I had someone to talk to about things.

A lot of my friends here have figured out that I'm not much on expressing myself clearly or at all. I'll admit right here, right now that I do have a problem with that but I want to be up front and express what's going on around me. (I'll probably repeat this is a podcast at some point though.)

As a lot of you know, my relationship with my partner (who reads this sometimes) has gone downhill. And this time, I really have no one really to blame but myself. We have been talking about me returning to the USA and I just don't want to cause any more problems. The things that I did to cause this were very wrong. I can't say too much about it, but sometimes I ask myself what exactly kind of person I am. Am I really this heartless kind of guy who goes around breaking everybody's hearts?

Sadly, I am. And do I see something wrong with that? You bet I do. I really do because people should not be treated the way that I've been treating them. I can be so cruel to people sometimes and sometimes I don't seem to be bothered by it.

I... after a while, I have realized a few things. Well I've brainwashed myself not to have many feelings and to hold them inside. I thought a podcast of my own would help me get those feelings out but I still hold in a lot. I mean, a lot. You can see that because I am not willing to tell you why exactly we have threatened to return me to the USA. And I won't. But yes, I have realized that it's hard to tell my partner what I want and what I expect. I have such a huge fear of rejection that I feel like I need to get approval and attention from everybody else. When I do get rejected, it makes me stand a distance away and distance myself from the people that might care for me most. I've done that with my partner.

I sometimes feel alone where I want to just head back home and pretend like none of this ever happened. But then I know when I return I won't be satisfied. I never am. I'll realize about a week later that I am the weakest individual that gave up a great opportunity. I'll hate myself for it.

You people, especially the people who have started reading and listening to me within the last two years or so, probably think that I have never liked my partner or got along with him well. Well, no that's not fully true.

My partner was once the light of my life and sure, I didn't always listen to his advice. I am stubborn like that. Sometimes that got me into a lot of trouble. But it was more or less the reason why I was still breathing. I never wanted more to be with him and well, I guess we see that it's what brought me here more or less. Over the past while, I have felt a separation between us. And when I try to talk, I feel like I'm not being listened to. I don't feel like an equal anymore but more of a burden and it pushes me away. So I've told myself that he doesn't really care and it has pushed me to do things that I really shouldn't do. No amount of "sorry's" can help that.

The holidays are coming up and I'm bothered to death over what's going on. I miss my family so much. I hate myself for not being able to attend my friends wedding so I'm looking for excuses to go back. Am I willing to completely kill my relationship to do it? Sometimes I wonder. I shouldn't have to do that.

I need to feel like me again. I need to feel like I have some life in these veins of mine and the heart of an angel. As I told one of my friends recently, my spirit has been broken and it's turned me into a very nasty, bitter person and I don't want to do that. I don't want to feel like I have to run into another person's arms to get emotional support though 99.98% of the time it doesn't work anyway. I honestly miss myself. I'm tired of feeling like this hollowed out shell of a human being who is on a never-ending quest to find a heart of gold.

OK, so I got my feelings out. And I hope you enjoyed it. That's not an every day thing. I know it's a long one.