Hello everybody! How was the Mother's Day weekend? I hope that you told someone special that you loved them over the weekend. I miss my mom a lot. Especially since I'm not close to her in distance. I called her and my grandmother's today so it was nice to talk to them. I'm in better spirits since I did that.
I have a favor to ask of you. And I don't normally do things like this, but can you take a moment or two to push my site up a list at QueerListing? I actually signed up with them a while back but haven't put the form on a prominent area of my site, so here it is:
And if you did that, thank you. I'm not going to tell you to vote it as excellent or good, especially if it's really not. But before you vote it as "Fair" or "Poor" can you at least let me know why? If you would be so kind, I'd appreciate you dropping a note about how bad I suck to my email address.
Alright, I don't really suck that much and I put a lot more work into the website than I really should. I used to spend hours on hours making it "pretty" but I stopped that. People used to (and still do) come to my website wondering why it looks professional. Well, I can't have a website up that looks like this. Just can't do it. So I feel like I need to put a bit of work into it.
It really bums me out when people don't look at it. It's not an ego thing. I could care less about being famous and having all the sexy women (or men... or hell, in a perfect world, both). Then I think there are people out there who are like "Ha ha ha ha ha" when I get bummed out about it. Hell, I probably would. :)
I guess, honestly, since I am brutally honest in my weblog... Brandi told me last week that she's gonna get married. I'm still trying to absorb it. It's a little strange for me I guess in a way. I can't say that I wouldn't expect it to happen. She's a really lovely woman and I wanted her to be with the best possible and compared to who she was dating, this guy is awesome.
I guess now the flame is lit underneath me and I'm realizing how bad it sucks missing out on a lot of things. No marriage. No kids. No full-time partner. No kissing in public without someone telling me that God is going to kill me for doing what I just did. I was feeling the effect on Mother's Day when the fathers were bringing their kids shopping or something to give the moms a day off. (Or at least the morning). I asked myself, "Why can't that be me?"
Last night I dreamt I had a son which was a little weird. His name was Justin and he was always a bit sad. Not sure why, exactly. I don't know if it means anything or not.
But I guess I am just feeling a bit sad because of all this. Brandi will get to experience things like this before I will. Her partner is around whereas mine is somewhere in Taiwan or Thailand right now negotiating with suppliers which is way more important than maintaining a relationship.
I said it before... yeah, I'm jealous. I'm jealous that she has more than I have in 1 year than I've gotten in 8. My heart has continuously bled a little bit every day but it looks like it will never heal. I forgot what it feels like to feel or show a significant amount of love. Sometimes it makes me want to cry. My heart sticks with this person who neglects me like a red-headed stepchild. I know I'm putting myself through so much pain by staying, so why do I do it?
Because it's all I know. I wouldn't be able to date a woman (properly) to get anywhere. I forgot what a "real" date is like too. I just don't know where to start or when to end so when push comes to shove, I'm more or less screwed.
So I've bummed myself out even more. But it's just being bummed out, I'm not depressed or sad. Sorta just... blah I guess.
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