March 2008 Archives

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This episode is about little things I miss being in the US and if I go back, some of the things I would miss about being here in Australia. I haven't made a final decision yet whether I'll stay or go. I posted this a week later from when I made it so I don't remember the specifics about what was in it. :)

I guess that's what I get for being lazy with uploading or just not being able to get up as early as I need to. (Remember? Bandwidth issues?)

idioPod 19 is hot on this guy's heels so I should have a new one in the next 3-4 days.

Want to have a listen? Then subscribe here.

Or alternatively listen here:

idioPod 18: What I Miss...

(This file is in M4A format which may cause some issues. If it is problematic for you, please let me know.)

Today I'm going to educate you on cardiac arrest because I feel like my weblog can't only be about me, me, me, me and me. You need to know what to do in circumstances when you can potentially save a life. And I hope I can educate you a little to do that. :)

What is cardiac arrest?

It's the sudden, abrupt loss of heart function. The victim may or may not have diagnosed heart disease. It's also called sudden cardiac arrest or unexpected cardiac arrest. Sudden death can occur within minutes after symptoms appear.

What causes cardiac arrest?

Coronary heart diseases is the most common underlying reason that a person can die of cardiac arrest. Electrocution, drowning, choking or trauma can cause cardiac arrest.

Can cardiac arrest be reversed?

Brain death and permanent death start to occur in just 4-6 minutes after someone first experiences cardiac arrest. It can be reversed if it's treated within a few minutes with an automated external defibrillator (AED) to restore the heartbeat. A person's chance of living is reduced 7-10 percent each minute. Very few attempts to resuscitate are successful after 10 minutes.

What are some warning signs of cardiac arrest?

Do you know the warning signs of cardiac arrest? Knowing them by heart (literally) can really save your life. Cardiac arrest can happen immediately and with absolutely no warning. Here are some warning signs:

• Sudden loss of responsiveness: There is absolutely no sign of response when the person is tapped on the shoulder.
• Irregular breathing: The victim is not taking normal breaths when you tilt the head up and check for five seconds.

If these signs are present, you should immediately call emergency services such as 911 in the US or 000 in Australia. (And did you know, anywhere in the world, you can call 112 with your cell phone to reach emergency services? It is true.) Get an automated external defibrillator (AED) if you can and immediately begin CPR.

If you are alone with an adult who has these signs of cardiac arrest, call emergency services, get an AED (if one is available) before you begin CPR. Use an AED as soon as one arrives.

(Curious to know what an AED is? Check here.)

Insidecardiacarrest.com has very good information and videos to keep you vigilant on what to do if something like this happens to you. Know what to do when a heart attack happens so you can potential save a loved one's life or even a stranger.

A lot of information here came from both the American Heart Association and Insidecardiacarrest.com.

I thought I'd do something a bit different for this post. I know, three posts in a day, I'm on a roll! A lot of people have this Mac vs. PC debate on their minds and needless to say, a lot of the people who come here use Macs. (Still more Windows machines though) In this post, I'm going to explain a few things and you can enjoy reading them if you want to.

Why Did I get a Mac?

There was the disaster of Windows Me: I was getting very frustrated with the machine freezing all the time. At that time of my life, I was doing website design quite extensively and I had freezes at least 10 times a day if not more. Were there viruses on it? No. Me was just a crappy OS. After about 6 months of working on something and having the PC freeze, I said my next computer would be a Mac.

That's when I bought one of the very first iMac G4s and wow were they sexy. I still have mine though I gave it to my nephew. I had really wanted an iMac G3 for a long time because I thought those were cute enough to get attention. The G4 really got me attention. I used it up until Hurricane Rita came and tore our house apart and ruined mostly everything inside. Luckily, my bedroom was untouched and my iMac was still alive though something blew out the ethernet. I was going to get it fixed but it would have been very expensive so I just waited.

My experience with Mac OS X was frustrating at first because I started out at 10.0. The OS had issues, issues and more issues and to me, it was quite limited at what exactly I could do. And also, to me, the thing shouldn't have even been released. The interface was buggy, slow and at best marginally responsive. But still the experience was much better than Windows Me.

So after that, I upgraded to 10.1 which was a little better. It wasn't until 10.2 that I labelled my Mac as a must-have.

In October 2005, before my iMac G4 had its ethernet port fried, I got a Compaq Presario, you know, one of the $700USD ones. I have to say that it was a good computer. Much, much, much better than the earlier laptops but it was heavy, ran hot and I was so used to Mac OS X at the time, I just couldn't get used to it. Using Windows was like a 70 year old person trying to use a computer for the first time. I couldn't find anything and couldn't get anything done. So I sold that about 3 months after I got it if not that long. I sold it to Brandi who has had it sense. She likes it.

Before I sold my Presario, I went ahead and bought an iMac G5 with the built-in iSight. I loved that thing but knew when I got it that I wouldn't be able to bring it with me to Australia. So I let my sister have it and use it while I was away. The thing ran very, very hot and that kind of upset me. My cousin who was working in IT said a lot of them where he was working melted and they were having all kinds of problems with them.

But before I got rid of it, I bought a Powerbook G4 which I still have next to my bed. I didn't really want it to begin with, actually. I wanted a Macbook Pro but they just came out and the lady at the store said a G4 will be fine because my software Photoshop and Dreamweaver weren't Intel-happy yet. So I said, yeah, that's fine and bought it for a price that was almost just as much as a new Macbook Pro.

So yeah, I owned 3 computers at one time. I got made fun of for that too!

So that brings me up until now where I am in Australia and have a new shiny iMac Intel. Owning a Mac has been a pleasurable experience but it wasn't until this Mac that I had migration issues from my Powerbook to here. Most of my software is fixed but there is a lot that just won't run very well. I have 10.4 installed on the Powerbook and 10.5 installed on the iMac.

So in summary, I own a Mac now because that is what I'm used to. Do I feel any superiority over anybody else because I use one? No, not really. Sometimes I do say "well, if you owned a Mac, that kind of thing wouldn't happen." No one really asks me for Windows help anymore. :) Now, for about 4 hours a day, I do Mac support. I like my Mac and I'm so used to the interface that it's been hard (but not impossible) for me to use XP or Vista.

So Why Do I Own an iPod?

I've owned a few MP3 players and found the iPod is the best for the most part. I've owned about 5 of them all together but my favorite so far has been the 1st generation iPod. I never had any problems with it. The one I have now I have developed a love-hate relationship with. I've owned a 2nd generation iPod, a 3rd generation iPod and now a 5th generation iPod. I'm looking to get another one.

iPods integrate nicely with the Mac OS. But having said that, the nano integrates nicely with the Windows version too.

So Why Do I Own a Mac?

I have found that graphics and audio are better on Macs but having said that, I have done much better projects on a PC. I own a Mac now for podcasting, music production and website design. Plus I love the design. So many times people ask me "So, where's the computer" and I pat the back of the monitor and say "It's right there." And then I hear "wow". "Where do the DVDs go?" I point to a slot on the side. "Oh, wow." Classy machinery at its best. When was the last time someone said "wow" about a computer made by eMachines? (Very low cost PCs, folks)

Am I a Mac Elitist?

No, I'm not. I've used PCs since then but as I said it's a little tougher for me to do now. I have to admit that I do like Windows XP. I have used Windows Vista a little bit but I'm honestly not too impressed. Yes, there is a lot of eye candy like what we've had on Macs for years, but it is still a bit clunky. It is pretty but so many people have issues with it. It barely runs on a new laptop my partner bought!

People are free to use whatever they want. At the end of the day, if you get your work done, who cares what kind of computer you use? Use what works for you. Too many times people have told me things like "Macs are just too complicated" thinking that I would argue with them but I'm not going to bother. I just reply, "Well, it took me to learn, I won't lie about that but it can be done." And that's it. I don't mention how much I hate Microsoft because well, I don't. MS Office on Mac is pretty awesome if not the best suite available. Yes, Microsoft forgets we exist, but all in all, they're a company just like anybody else.

Do I Push People to Download Safari (or Other Apple Software) for Windows?

No. People are free to use what browser they want to. I am passionate about web browsers. I still haven't figured that one out yet. My favorites are Flock, Firefox and Opera. I just recently switched to Safari 3.1 as my default browser on my Mac.

I do push people to download iTunes though because I think it's must-have software. I think iTunes is good software. And with iTunes you get Quicktime. (And let me tell you, Quicktime for Mac is much better than on Windows, software-wise.)

To Be Continued...

I don't want this to be a book to read so I will continue this a little later when we'll get to the nitty-gritty. :) So yes, stay tuned and I am hoping you'll be back to read on.

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I'll be honest with you. I have always wanted to be able to print my own labels at home but my home printer never did the professional job that I was expecting. And running out of ink was always a problem. I'd get magenta labels when I really wanted black. And they would print out a page and some wouldn't be in the right area. Such a hassle! These products will definitely help me out in the long-run if I were to get one, and I will heavily consider them. I hope you find this review a helpful one and hope that you give these guys a try!

What kind of person would I be if I didn't tell you that I have already ditched the last layout in favor of a new one? Yeah, that's right, the third version of idiologic in two years is now online and ready. But I forgot to mention that the content isn't there yet. And it being 1:30 am and all, I will just do that later. Work needs done, it really does and I'll work on that in the morning.

What I am a little indifferent about is the hidden updates on every page. Yes, it's compact but it just doesn't cut it. I actually did my very own coding to display the site updates tab. Yes, I wrote the code by hand and figured it all out myself.

Something you should know though is that I have added a "Support" section which isn't really all about me. It's really not. I guess I lack the right word to call it. I have a lot of causes that are close to me such as Parkinson's Disease, Breast Cancer, AIDS Awareness and Immigration Equality. And whether I explicitly state it or not, I am a gay male who has an obligation to educate those around me. Those are the kinds of things you will find there. (And the reason that's bolded is that there isn't anything on the page yet! I have to do some research.)

So say hello to the new layout if you haven't already. And if you have, why not let me know your thoughts on it? Getting people's honest opinions or any feedback at all is like pulling hen's teeth.

That is all I'm saying for now. For some reason I have been coughing my guts up, literally. I got to the point where I threw up dinner tonight and it was a bit red but it could have been something I ate. I threw up on the floor and had to clean it up which was not fun. I don't know what the deal is.

PS: After going to the site, do you miss the poll? Do you miss the music player? Do you miss the Google ads? ;)

I'm going to admit this right now and say that I've been playing World of Warcraft (WoW) way too much. I think I played from about 8 or 9 am until about 6 pm. You know how I bitch and complain about the bandwidth limit (a very low 5 GB between 9 am and 1 am and the other 5 GB the rest of the time)? Well I have already used a bit over 1 GB of transfer in about 3 days. So...

You know, it could be worse. It could be a lot worse. I have been reading some of the stories at WoW Detox which is a site about quitting playing WoW.

This addiction is just as bad as cigarettes and booze because yeah this stuff will definitely rot your brain. Not only that, it will shred apart your interpersonal relationships. It will put a cramp in your finances if you're skipping work to play. Maybe you'll get fired or run out of sick leave when you really need it.

And if you still want to play and don't want to become or get more addicted, I have these suggestions:

1. Set a schedule: Wouldn't you rather be doing something else at certain times of the day? Shouldn't you be?
2. Use WoW account parental controls, for yourself: Have someone you trust like a family member set the account's parental controls to keep you from playing at certain times if it's that bad.
3. Use your computer's parental controls: Again, have someone who you trust limit when you can go online to play or use the program itself. I know this is possible with a Mac but not so sure about Windows.
4. Don't join/create guilds: They just keep you busy. You're more inclined not to play if you're doing mostly everything yourself. Joining a guild is also not a substitute for socializing.
5. Ask yourself what's more important: Is this game more important to you than your friends, family and pets? If it is, you need to seriously stop. Spending some time with other people besides your guildies isn't going to hurt you.

And if you're way too far gone and need to quit, I have these suggestions:

1. Save money: If you quit now, you'll save approximately $15 a month. Find something else to do with the $180 you save per year by taking the family on a day trip or buy yourself a few movies or exercise equipment (and actually USE it).
2. Not only close your account, but uninstall the game: You're much more inclined to sign up for a new account if it is still installed on your computer. So get rid of it. Throw away the CDs if you have to.
3. Get a new hobby: With the time and money you were spending playing this game, you should find a new hobby such as learning Photoshop, PHP, swimming, painting or something else.
4. Give your CDs to a friend to either use or destroy: Don't give it to someone without a strong will. You don't want to pass on addictions.
5. Get professional help: Some people are seriously this far gone and that's depressing. If you're really having that many problems, get counselling.

I'm not going to lie to you. I have actually set up the parental controls on the account to stop me from playing at certain times so I won't use up all the bandwidth. Plus it encourages me to get out and enjoy life a little bit. (And right now I am "allowed" to play but I'm not.) Am I addicted? No. Am I in denial? No. I usually don't get very much value from my money I do pay for it. And I can guarantee you that I won't have this account forever. I play about half the year. And when I'm here in Australia, Gilbert comes in and asks "Are you playing that stupid game?" and I stop or he'll keep complaining about it.

And is this directed at anybody in particular? No, it's really not. It's just sad to see what happens when things take over people's lives whether it's alcohol, drugs or video games. The days that I am bad with it is like yesterday when I don't have much to do. So that is all the advice I have on that.

Hi everybody. This is going to be just a quick post about music. I wanted to just let you know of a website to promote rap artists. The site is central around rap with information about the latest CD releases, top artists, top albums and just about anything you want to know about the rap world. Feel like having a say of your opinion? Just visit the forums and talk away with people just like you who have similar interests. Registration is free and sign-up is quick and easy! Go to rapartists.com right now!

On Easter, yesterday, I announced a redesign of idiologic and today I'm happy to announce that a very early preview of it is available.

Some features:

• Smaller and more compact design: The left side has been totally removed because I feel like there was way too much going on there. The recent entries took way too much space so it was poorly used space to begin with. No need to view things you don't care to see but if you do want to look at it, the world is at your fingertips.
• New Projects section: You'll notice that I sometimes like to work on things ranging from software to personal goals. These things are going to be included here. Also things that can't be filed under any section will go here.
• Webcam status indicator: Tired of checking the webcam to discover that it was updated only 2 months ago? Well, there is a new indicator that tells you whether it is updated in the past week.

So I am working on that. You can take a look at it right here if you're interested. The content isn't there but a very basic skeleton is up and you're more than welcome to view it.

Oh and just to warn you, Safari 3.1 for Mac has some serious problems with it. I'm not so sure about the Windows version that you guys were pretty much forced to download. I did put up a temporary menu for you guys who insist on using Safari but it looks better in Opera or Firefox.

Hello everybody. It's Easter here, so Happy Easter to you. I don't have any plans today really but I think a few of my schoolmates are coming over a bit later. Then I think we might go to the city together or something. I look pretty rugged and scruffy today and wouldn't want to scare any small children so I might not go.

You might be wondering where the boyfriend is right now. Well, he's not here and he won't be here for another 14 days. I talked to him in detail yesterday and didn't realize how depressed he is being so far away all the time. He really is getting depressed and apologized so many times for "not being there" for me. I did tell him before any of this was said that I am heavily considering going back to the USA and it's possible that I won't come back. Then add in that one of our properties is vacant (so it's basically hemorrhaging money) and you have a horrible, depressed guy. I would be too. Renting it out, I haven't had any luck with. He doesn't want me to go back and it puts a lot of pressure on me. Our relationship definitely needs a bit of work as we approach the full 8 year mark. It's weird that I have stayed here as long as I have, honestly.

Ah yes, and today marks idiologic's second birthday so we're going on three years now. I was going to plan something special but I've been way too lazy to bother but I will tell you that I've been working on refreshing the site as a whole. I haven't been working too hard on it and we never know if I will actually post it, but this is what the header looks like:

Of course this is a prototype I guess you could say. Some noticeable quick changes are:

• Weblog Updates, Podcast Updates and Feeds are only available if you want to see them.
• New Projects section will hold all my projects such as software, widgets and the sidebar.

The rest of the pages have not been updated to reflect the new design. The green strip on the left is just part of my desktop. So my focus this year is to reinstate myself as a decent blogger. And any linking to idiologic is appreciated!

Well OK that's it. I just wanted to let you know what's going on around here. I will be back later I hope. :)

A video just for you that Jose posted on my MySpace comments:

And if you have time, watch the SHOES video. This is something that would be typical of me to do years ago, just ask my sister heh heh. :)

Oh yeah, tell her to update her blog!

I've been a little quiet lately, I admit. That's not necessarily always a bad thing, trust me. I have been going around and reading weblogs lately to see what people are saying. I will be the first to admit that my weblog used to be much more entertaining but I sorta closed the door to how I really feel. And it was like when I was in love with Gilbert that I didn't have much things to say. People blog about sex which I don't get enough of anymore. And I'm not about to air out dirty laundry or sound like some kind of sick and twisted porn site. I do admit that I have some sexy ads laying around here and there, but they're going to come off.

Which leads to something else... what exactly IS the point of focusing on sex so much? Are men really that shallow to think about sex every 7 seconds? Or is that just gay men? (And oh yes, that link has some interesting stats on it.) I don't know when the last time I met someone who didn't want to jump in the sack twenty seconds after meeting so I just don't meet new people anymore unless they have a partner or have been castrated. And I know that I've gone on and on about that.

This is a typical conversation that I have with any gay man:

Remodelling is something I'm going to have to do in the near future. I am not sure how many people have seen the state of the kitchen in Bentleigh but yeah, it's pretty creepy. Everything's run down and I mean everything. The floor looks like it's 100 years old, the cabinets look older than that. The sink looks like some sick kind of 1920's disaster. Yeah, I know a room in my old unit that definitely needs remodelled.

So many times I've gone to my friends' houses and saw a kitchen that was 100 times better and wish mine didn't look like something out of a horror movie. Yes, we pulled up the carpet in the other rooms and had a hardwood floor put in but you judge people by their kitchens... at least I do!

American Home Craft would definitely make the process a lot easier. Not only do they do kitchen cabinets and countertops, but they do other things like doors, windows, vinyl siding and texture coats. They offer so many styles, colors, and finishes and allows people who want to remodel to do it without doing a full remodel. You can contact them through an easy form to get a free, no obligation in-home estimate if you're one of my wonderful readers in California. Take some time to take a look through the site if you're interested and I'm sure you'll be happy to. I highly suggest them! :)

So hopefully I'll have a new kitchen soon so that the place can be sold. I feel bad just letting it sit there vacant.

Hola amigos. ¿Qué tal? ¿Usted comió sus tortillas de huevos del queso esta mañana? ¿Va a vomitar? Nadie cocineros para mí tengo que cocinar tan mi alimento mexicano todo solamente. Soy tan triste. :(

No, wait, that's right this is supposed to be in English right? Ooops! Well I hope you all enjoyed my rusty Spanish up there. I am starving for some Mexican food. Mexican food like this:

Well actually that's not 100% Mexican food it's like a fusion thing with Indian food and vegetarian sausage but you know what, sometimes that stuff can actually be pretty darn good. I love when people ask me if I'm hungry for "Mexican" and of course I'm always hungry for Mexican... men or food, it's all good. :) (Why is it that I look for good-looking Mexican men, I get either porn or someone with their wiener flopped out? This is the Innernets, is it?)

I have to admit one of the biggest things I miss in Texas is the Mexican construction workers going into Wal-Mart. I miss the good Mexican food and the beer. Ah yes, the booze. Gotta love that. And oh god I miss cheap margaritas! MAN I miss the cheap margaritas.

I was going to write more but that's going to be in my next podcast which I guess I should tell you guys about. I have not felt 100% lately as you have read so my motivation was gone. It's back. So I can work on that some more. Number 18 will be about what I miss about the USA. And it will be interesting, I promise.

I need more coffee though I've been on the toilet a few times today. My stomach doesn't hurt but when I have to go, I have to GO! And if I don't, then there's gonna be a mess. Too much information, you say? Nah. Everybody loves to hear about bowel movements. Especially my patience. Which oh yes, working in rehab has been totally awesome. I love it. I really renewed my interest in nursing. :)

OK that's it. I need coffee and here's a photo just to prove it: (And by the way these are my favorite kind of mugs, the tall ones. So if you want to buy me one, I adore them.)

When has owning your own home become so difficult? I'm in a household that has not one mortgage to pay but TWO. One property, meant to be an investment property, pretty much is a bucket with holes in it. What I mean by that is that it's been vacant since October 2007. Money is owing on it so that is $1,200 AUD down the toilet monthly. So it's probably going to be sold. The rental rates here are sky-high so you'd think that it's able to be rented out. Well, apparently this is a lot of work.

I know this!

And what's even more sad is that once that property is sold, then next comes the one I'm in and then I move again. Not the best way to handle the situation, I agree but I am pretty much going to be completely broke and poor by the time I retire.

I think this is the time to get some advice. I mean, really bad. Time to get these mortgages under control. Thank goodness there are sites like Earth.co.uk to help me get this stuff together. There are really some helpful information to get people who are supposed to be knowledgeable in finances off their feet. (Those people are me and my partner. heh heh)

So yeah it's high time to restructure and that's what we're doing but of course, no one's consulting me about these things until now. Communication problems. Maybe that's the first way to get out of this rut!

My first day of placement was okay. A bit non-eventful so it was okay. I really didn't want to do much so, um, I didn't. In fact, I went to buy myself something to eat at the Thai/Malaysian/Chinese/Vietnamese place down the road at some point and went to the grocery store. So, yeah, just hope you guys don't have me as your nurse. No, really that's how uneventful it was. I was also hoping for an afternoon shift but got stuck doing mornings. This causes problems. Damned public transportation. The bus in front of my place doesn't go past until 6:15 am and I have to be there at 7:00 am. It takes me about an hour from the train station to get there so yeah, no go. So I said I would be about 30 minutes late everyday. I was told "oh no you're aren't" so I thought that was funny. I said I would try to get there earlier if I can. My classmate said that I shouldn't have said anything and just show up 30 mins late on the first real day which is tomorrow. We're trying to get a day or two to do afternoons/evenings next week.

Rehabilitation looks like it should be a good experience. I am looking forward to it. You know, all the exercising and stuff like that should be good for me to knock down some of this extra weight I have accumulated over the last few months.

Bad thing is that I have developed a nasty cough with horrible sinus drainage. I am coughing like a smoker and some of my classmates are sneezing like it's a fad. Not good.

There are rumours going around that I will probably be selling the Bentleigh property for somewhere between $280,000-320,000 (hopefully). I don't really want to do this but I don't like living where I'm living now. I just realized how inconvenient it is. I knew that before I moved to this place. Funny thing is that I will probably move BACK to Bentleigh to a new place. Not a unit. I've had it with units. It seems like my job as of late is just concentrate on saving Gilbert money. Funny.

We all know that I am a real estate junkie and that I help manage not one but two properties here in the USA. It's all about knowing what to do next. Noveau Riche University offers courses in Short Sales ,Wholesaling, Foreclosures, Buying and Holding and much more. Whether you're a seasoned real estate agent or just starting out, they give an excellent opportunity to make your real estate endeavours much more sucessful. Not only that, they were recently featured in the January 2008 issue of "Your Business at Home" magazine! You can pick up a copy at major retailers such as Barnes and Noble, Borders, Books-a-Million and Staples. And okay, what's the big deal with this? The magazine only features one business per month, so I'd have to say that they have certainly earned it, right?

Take a look at what Noveau Riche University has to offer. You'll be so happy that you did.

Hello everybody. Sometimes I think that I have borderline personality disorder. I feel somewhat OK right now. Not as near as down as I have been but I have a few things bothering me which I haven't told anybody about and I mean no one. It's not really that serious or anything like that. I think it's finally dawning on me that I'm getting older. Older and hairier and balder! I'm okay with the bald part because it's going to happen anyway. But I am wondering if I should do something about it. Hairier, well, my dad is probably the hairiest person I know so... yeah, genetics is always a bitch.

Because I love putting things in point form, these "good" things are happening around me:

• My sister has a new blog here at my website. I read her first entry and she's so much better at this than I am. It's like she tells a story. It makes me miss my sister, nephews and even brother-in-law a lot. We had a really good chat today and it was nice to talk to her again.
• I found a voice recorder laying around at my other property and it works with my Mac! How awesome is that? It was never used so I'm going to try to use it to bring some interestingness to my podcasts when they return.
• I finally have things rolling with getting the other property rented out, so that's awesome. A lot of stress is relieved now.
• Speaking of talking to people in Texas, I got to talk with my best friend.
• I am not in as much pain as before, so that's looking up. I still need to get to the doctor but I was arguing with my friend Peter if I was actually going to go or not.
• And I am simply ecstatic that Hillary won the Texas delegates. Now she's talking about being President and Barack Obama as Vice President. I had a feeling it would come down to this. It does make me think though since they've been down each other's throats lately. I'd definitely vote the other way around too, though that's not my preferred pick.

So that's about it. I'd sit here and type the whole night if I let myself but the fact is that I have to wake up early and begin my third batch of clinical practice. I don't know what to expect and I'm a bit nervous because of it but I'm about 95% sure it will be fine. :)

And now I will share with you a cartoon that I think EVERYBODY should see which makes me say "my anus is bleeding". You'll see why if you watch it!

That is all. :)

For the first time in a long while, I smiled when my dog was outside chasing a white butterfly. That wasn't so bad now, was it?

Of course, this is after he spent the night throwing up in my bed and then crapping in the floor twenty seconds later.

It makes me feel bad that I made him sleep in the laundry room last night and screamed at him. Poor little guy. I wish I had a camera that worked so I can take some pictures of him. But here's one that I yanked off the net:

Isn't that precious? It is, admit it.

Hi everybody, I am here yet again and this time it's not about saving money. I'd love to, hell, I'd love to have some money to do something with. My taxes are due in about a month and I haven't seen my documents I need to file them to get a refund. I really, really need it so I can pay off my credit card in the USA that I use over here.

Improvement on my depressing mood? Not really. I am still in a bit of pain and I hate it. It's not as bad right now probably because I just took some medicine about 30 minutes ago. I am still a bit down though for one reason or another. It's usually when I look in the mirror. I need a haircut. Hey, that would make me feel a little better, don't you think?

Also, this is good news, my web hosting fees are about 90% paid and I have to pay the rest around the 23rd for the year. So that's good news, right? I guess so. I was thinking that I might close it down and the other two also. But if I did that, then I would miss the opportunity to keep my head afloat and get me that iPod Touch I want. Or hell I don't know, pay for these damned train tickets that seem to never give me a damn break.

How funny, I am reading reviews of the iPod and people are so protective of their Apple stuff. It's so funny. Then factor in the people whose world has come crumbling down over the $20 software update and it turns really nasty. Technology evolves people. You can't go to the store back in 2000, buy a 5 GB iPod and bring it back to the store now and say, "Hey, you people ripped me off. Give me another one for free." I do admit that Apple is still pretty expensive compared to the rest of the people, but when they hook people in, they've got a customer for life and... unfortunately, that is what has happened to me. (And I liked the 5 GB iPod... it was the most dependable one I've ever had.)

On that note, I will have a black 30 GB iPod with a black cover for sale in the next few weeks and also I think it's time to tell my Powerbook good bye. The iPod has some issues where it likes to stick but it seems to stick on certain songs and when it does stick, the battery life goes to nothing and the Powerbook has some paint chipping off on the keys. Everything else is fine. I don't think it's that scratched up or anything.

So if you, one of the three readers, is interested that's good. Don't forget I'm also trying to get a place rented out in Bentleigh. :)

That's all for me. I need to get out and about today. I can't sit around all day doing nothing like I have been. Gilbert's here today, he was too busy telling me that I was so lazy yesterday until I spoke up and said "Are you going to keep this up all day today and for the next three months?" Then I told him I had plans to go back home in July. I really think I should anyway.

That's it for now. You people enjoy your weekend or whatever's left of it.

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I know that paying for studying isn't getting any easier in fact, it's getting more and more unaffordable every year. Why not put your brain to use and make a good difference in the world? And if you have already finished, why not go again and expand on what you're already doing? This is a good opportunity for you and Scholarships.com provides a great opportunity for you to do that. I'm going to look into it myself.

I took a short break because well, I haven't been feeling very well lately both physically and mentally so I have been lying low for a while.

First and foremost I want to say that I am truly sorry for those people who have made plans with me only for me to either cancel or not show up. There are a few things going on with me that I'm still trying to come to terms with.

Second, it does look like my options to go back home in July are coming to be a reality. Will I come back? Simply put, no. In the past I have been so indecisive with this, but I've made up my mind that if I do go back in July, I won't be coming back to Australia. I'm going to pitch the idea to my "partner" since my classes will be over.

This is going to sound like I am seeking attention but I'm really not. In fact, let me just say that I just need an outlet for my thoughts and I don't really trust anybody here to tell things to. There is no one really to confide in because I feel like no one understand what I am going through. Anyway, I have been taking the depression tests here and there and they all agree that I am either moderately severe or severely depressed. In fact, I have been really worrying about myself lately which I guess is a step up from being completely depressed and not caring.

A lot of this stems from the fact that my relationship has been horrible and as I said before, if I ask for anything, I end up being the monster. And then I'm suggested to "get over it" and that I am the one that makes all these choices where life is going to suck or if life is going to be good. How can a person be upbeat when everything around them keeps crumbling?

Not only that, I talked to my parents who are really pushing for me to come home. Of course they are. I talked to my dad who was throwing everything he possibly could at me to get my back home. He told me that my grandfather isn't doing well and after I'm finished I should go back home to take care of him since I am qualified. I've always had that obligation to my grandparents. And I honestly don't mind, I wanted to live with them to help them out but... if I do that then I can't live in Houston.

My money issues, well I control that myself. I don't have much, but I do what I can. Then my "partner" tells me to pay his bills so I am screwed... you know, it seems like whatever I do isn't ever good enough. I grew up enough with that from my parents who honestly haven't set the best example in the world. I hate to say that, but it's the truth.

Then there's my weight and oh god it's bothering me. I have lost a little bit of it but I say that before I say I went to KFC last night and ate two Twisters, fries, mashed potatoes and a 7-Up.

So yes, things just aren't going my way. And for some reason I am constantly in pain and I don't want to go to the doctor. I have a lump in my face that really needs to be checked, I guess the size of an olive. I noticed it like 10 years ago when it was smaller and my dentist told me it's just a bundle of nerves. I need to make sure though. That's not WHY I'm sick though. I think it's the time of the year with my sinuses hurting, etc.

Anyway, that is my update. Not much of one, eh? Things will be alright. I hope that I get everything figured out and grow some balls to get some help with my depression.

Hey there everybody. I'm half-awake here but I'm going to try anyway. My sleeping pattern is really screwed up at the moment so I am thinking that I should go see the doctor sometime soon. I hate going, but I think that's going to have to do. And I was thinking wouldn't it be nice to use some of that insurance I paid for last March that I haven't used. One way or another, I'll have to because this sleeping 8 hours only to feel like I slept for five minutes is getting seriously old.

I remember right before I came here from the US that I went to the doctor and optometrist and spent right up to $1,000 getting contacts, glasses, a check-up (x-rays and stuff were involved). I didn't have insurance and sadly, that's the case with a lot of Americans. The medical costs are absolutely crazy there.

So yeah, I think that insurance is actually a good thing to have though I haven't used mine yet. You know, just in case something happens, you have a back-up plan. That's always a good thing to have.

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OK, so I dated this a day later, so sue me. Well, don't because I don't have much. In just a little while ago I talked to Gilbert and I asked him if he would mind giving me some money for my train ticket(s) for the next few weeks. They're about 2.5 times more expensive than what I have to get now so I wouldn't mind the extra help. And of course, I got chewed out up one wall and down another. So as I said yesterday, I am afraid to ask him for anything and I told him that. He said I should be because he doesn't know why I'd ask in the first place.

So much for relationships being about two ways, eh?

The more I think about it, the more I want to go back to Texas where I can get back to my old life and be better at it. It's hard enough being away from my home country but I don't need the extra pressure. Add in that my tax documents still haven't been sent to me so that is a bit of money I am missing. Factor in Dreamhost's screw ups and the fact that I totally forgot to cancel my World of Warcraft account before it renewed, and you have a steamy pile of garbage!

I have been listening to "Put Your Arms Around Me" by Sandra a lot lately. The original is by Sinead O'Connor and don't know which version I like better but anyway. It's about loving yourself and how I wish I could because sometimes I feel like that's all I can do. I sometimes wonder what that would feel like. It all stopped with this guy which, you know, I can't really blame him. (That guy is my ex before my current boyfriend.) I mildly remember being a happy person... well being mostly happy with life until I found myself in relationships. I let the guy knock me down a few levels which I shouldn't have let him do. Sure things were great for a while but then I found myself the center of emotional abuse. Sad really. Definitely left a bitter taste in my mouth. Maybe his intentions were good, but I don't think anybody understands what's going on in this head of mine.

It totally pisses me off that I haven't found a love where I am all giddy around. I am pretty numb at the moment and not because someone didn't give me $100. I'm not bitter about that; I don't care. I'm just feeling sad that I feel alone most of the time, like a person who's single but married if you know what I mean. I don't really feel the love though it is said 20 times a day. I don't feel like I contribute equally to any of my relationships, I really don't. More like a burden than anything and that's a damn shame really.

So what to do, stay here for 2-3 years and feel like shit week after week or go back home and still feel shitty? I feel a bit trapped. I miss home and I miss my family. I miss the loving support from there. Sometimes I wonder if they're even missing me... heh heh, that's crazy of course they do. They love me there and here, well, I don't know what I have here. Nothing makes up for that.

Anyway I'm out of here. I have a fairly big day. Goodnight, oh and here's a picture. I like this one:

A few months ago I posted somewhere that my partner and I were no longer together. And for a while, we weren't. Things had been on the short end of the rope for a while. I won't go as far to say that things are perfect now because I honestly feel like the "perfect relationship" doesn't exist and if it does, I imagine it to be boring and uneventful.

Yes, there are times where I am frustrated. My frustration now lays in the fact that I am actually afraid of my partner. I am afraid to ask him for anything at all so I turn to other people to ask for help when I need it. It's quite disgusting actually. It's why I paid for school and everything myself because I am afraid to ask him for any help. You ask me, "Well, isn't that what partners are supposed to do?"

I think, honestly, it's my American thinking of how the role of the husband is "supposed" to be. I was "programmed" to think that if you're a man, and you're a good husband, then you are the provider. If you don't, no one will want you and you're therefore labelled as a failure. Showing any sign of weakness (in real life) isn't something I like to do. I don't like to show emotion too. I am one of those guys who say "No, it's not OK to cry." What's sad is sometimes I need it. Sometimes I need the reality shift to let myself know that I am a human being and we're not all "programmed" the same way.

I think these days, I'm just a little tiny fraction of who I used to be. I don't know whether it's because I want to be with my family and friends in the USA or just my self-esteem is pretty much at rock bottom. I do feel more comfortable being here in Australia, so that's a plus but I'm still down most of the time.

Gilbert has been gone for months. He's been gone since November and I've seen him about a week total since then, maybe more. I have two places to take care of, a dog, class and about everything else. I would appreciate the help, but I'm too afraid to ask for it because I know if I do, he'll see me as weak. None of my fears or needs are warranted. It's quite sad.

So why do I stay? Because I find myself uninterested in finding anybody else. After seven years (8 years next month), it's hard to take a step back and be interested in someone else fully. I have tried and it doesn't work. People think that I'm with my partner for financial reasons and they say, "well, I know I won't be able to buy two places," etc... It's not that. I value my boyfriend's strong work ethic, I do but as I tell him, sometimes he needs to just "sit back and chill the fuck out." Doesn't do any good or I wouldn't be in this huge city more or less by myself.

I have a good partner though, don't get me wrong. I'm appreciative of the things he does like let me stay here. He brings me my favourite (damn Australian dictionary) pizzas when he's here. He brings me to the beach and takes millions of photos. He calls me just to see what is going on. He tells me that he loves me at night when he thinks I'm asleep. He makes me laugh because he makes fun of himself for being "so Chinese about everything". He makes really good fried rice. He buys me stuff he knows isn't good for me, but tells me he does it because he loves me. BUT he just works way too much. It's so aggravating.

He'll be back for good next week so that's good news. We have a lot of work to do, it's time to play with immigration a little bit more. I hope it goes a lot more smoothly this time around.

And how can you not like a face like this?

Tonight was a night full of drinking Kahlua (though believe it or not, I wasn't the one drinking it), watching movies and playing with the dog. A few of my schoolmates came over and I cooked scrambled eggs with cheese for them and jam drop cookies. It was kind of like the good old times when I would go over Brandi's and eat her out of house and home. (And that sounds really, really dirty but it's not meant to be.)

These people have ended up being some really good friends. They don't know that I like guys and I'm sure if they knew they wouldn't care. I do end up talking about Gilbert a lot and how cranky he makes me sometimes. One of my friends that stayed a month or so with me came over earlier too and I ended up doing a personality test. I scored as an INTJ personality. I hadn't seen him in a month or longer, so it was great to see him. We walked a lot today and I did manage to teach my dog how to play fetch. He's pretty good at it too. Now to get the damn thing toilet trained!

So I have to admit that it was the first Friday in a long time that I enjoyed myself. Nothing in the world beats scrambled eggs and cookies! We were supposed to have spaghetti but I am not sure what happened with that - I think it's because I only had one package of meat which happened to be lamb. I don't eat lamb.

Anyway it's like 1:35 am and my neighbours are being Chatty Patty next door. So I couldn't sleep right away. But I think I should be good to sleep now.

PS: Chatty Patty was a doll my sister had back in the '80s. My dog back then was scared shitless of it. As far as I know, my sister still has it. If I only had a Chatty Patty to scare this dog with, then the world be perfect.