January 2008 Archives

Hello everybody. This is actually a real weblog entry. My last few have really been bumming me out (in the Willy Wonka way). And that is why I added a new category called "Good Stuff". It's a general category where my sponsored and general shopping stuff will go. That way no one gets crazy from reading the stuff they don't want to. I mean, really, it is up to you what you want to read.

Secondly, idioPod 15 is delayed due to some... issues. What issues, I'm not sure. But trust me, there are issues. I went back to school this week so I have been preparing that. And I have been too damn busy keeping other people amused. I keep saying it's going to be the death of me. So if I told you I would do something with you and uh, haven't, then I'm sorry (yes, really). I'm so busy lately and I hate it.

I did get the call today to let me know that I can go pick up my new baby weenie dog tomorrow but I'm going to pick him up this weekend. And I'm going to smother him with pictures and kisses. Then I'm going to bring him to the park so he can bark at all the children. I'm excited but at the same time I keep asking myself, "What have I done?"

I decided I do like my sidebar idea (for Firefox). I realized just how handy it is. I am Twittering a lot lately too so it makes reading it quite interesting. I was in my first day of my mental health class and I'm afraid that I might have some mental issues. Maybe I'm a hypochondriac. Yeah, that's it!

Since I don't have much of anything to say really... I'm going to leave you with a picture of something I miss from the USA. Today's picture is: Tootsie Rolls. It's chocolate but chewy chocolate. Good stuff, honestly. But I know if I ate any now, I'd complain that it's too sweet. Well here's a photo b/c I'm going to sleep in a little bit.

Have I mentioned that I got myself a puppy here? Okay, so he's not here at the moment. As we all know, he's a smooth, short-haired dachshund. He's black and brown like my other dog but he doesn't have silver/gray on him. I do feel like a complete jerk getting another one but it's impossible for me to bring Andy here... I'd have to steal him from my parents. :) They adopted him. Of course, without telling me about it! Heh heh!

I haven't picked him up yet. He's a little under 6 weeks old and will be brought to the vet this week for his check-up, immunizations and stuff. I'm excited and I hope I have the time to take care of him like I should. :) I think I am going to name him Kabuki from Animal Crossing. I might get him in a week or two.

On that note, I wanted to tell you about my favorite kinds of dogs like Yorkie puppies which are really cute. Kennels that are USDA certified like Salt Creek Kennels in Oklahoma (about 30 miles east of Tulsa) pride themselves and uphold the highest breeding standars and care. They breed and raise Yorkies, Maltese puppies, English bulldogs and French bulldogs.

If you're in the area, in Texas or Oklahoma, you should take a look at what they have to offer. :) Happy puppy shopping. I only wish it could have been this easy for me to find a dachshund here. They're not easy to find, at all!

That's it for me. Happy shopping. :)

I don't think I deserve most of the things I get. I've realized over the past few days that I am one of the most materialistic people in the world. I've learned that having the world doesn't mean that I'll always be genuinely happy.

I'm still mad at myself for locking a contract in to be here for the next year or so. My parents want me back so bad. I don't blame them.

I should be asleep but I can't. I have to get up early in the morning but I doubt I will. I have so much swimming around in that skull of mine that it feels like it wants to explode. I'll honestly admit that I am missing Gilbert and I wonder why he doesn't make a better effort to do the things he should. I wish he'd come back to be with me but I know it's always money over matter.

Not really too much to say. I should try to sleep. Those are some thoughts for you. I can't really describe how I am feeling too well though. Read between the lines and you might figure it out. Maybe one day I will grow a backbone and stop feeling so sorry for everybody.

I miss my life in Texas I admit but the show must go on. It always does.

Wow, yeah, I know. Three posts in one day, two real. Who would have thunk it? I don't really plan to ramble on about things you don't care about right now. So you're safe for now. The whole PayPerPost thing is beginning to bug me a little bit. In the beginning, I signed up and it took me about three months to have a sponsored post because I didn't want to clutter my site up with advertisements and things like that. I mean, if they're done nicely, why not? I did buy ecto3 with my money I got from PPP. I think it's pretty damn cool software actually.

I know I've apologized about a million times for you guys having to weed out the real posts from the sponsored ones. In a way, they're all real because I will honestly not post something I don't care about or have a genuine opinion about. If it fits my mood, I say go for it. I do need to relax. I am pissed about the communication hurdles. I do have student loans to think about. I do have experience in the financial field... but I'll admit that one was not something I'm proud of. When I update the sidebar, I will make it clear on there what's what.

I never really thought I'd say this but I'm happy that school is restarting next week. It will be good to get back into the "learning" mind frame. This semester I have to do really awesome with my grades. When winter comes around here, I am sure I will be feeling 90% better. So tired of the heat and I love winter anyway.

For some reason, winter has always symbolized a sense of peacefulness. There were days when I would walk into the forests while the cold air rushed through the trees and it was just so quiet. I didn't have to listen to the traffic, the phone ringing, the IM noises or anything. I could look up into the cloudy sky and feel a sense of relief and finally be able to relax. It was like when I left the house, all my problems dropped and I became part of the environment. I could sing, laugh and think about what's going on around me all in the quietness. I remember those days in Texas and I miss them a lot. I had always grown up near the trees and beach. Unfortunately, a lot of the trees are now missing. I still try to get away with as much as I can.

Thinking about this, I miss my spiritual side. I realized that I have left him behind somewhere. My spirit is constantly broken and shattered into pieces. Since I've been here in Melbourne I am so sensitive and the person who I thought loved me broke my spirit into pieces. But one shatter was never enough. The pieces got smaller and smaller and it will take something big to piece them all together.

I am not sure if anybody knew this but I used to affiliate myself with one of the nature religions like Wicca. I was never devout with it. Never went on the offensive about my beliefs or anybody else's because I felt like that kind of thing was one of those private things about me. And you know what? I was much happier then. I was never depressed. I loved being alive. I loved the world around me. Somewhere between then and now, I lost that. I still love my family and friends unconditionally (usually). But there is a time when my self-esteem was crushed and I still struggle to grasp it and put it back together. It's like it's covered with dishwashing soap and it always slips away and hits the floor with a thud.

I have a lot of work to do. Maybe I should do a little more soul searching to see what is best for me so I can love everything around me again. It would be so nice. And no people, I am doing fine. I'm not depressed. It's odd that I reflect on this now though. I have a lot of work to do. Oh yes, and I used to be Mormon for an added bonus.

In my last podcast episode, I was complaining how much I hate the cost to stay in touch with people here or internationally. I actually have a really big opinion about that. It really frustrates me that this country charges people to do just about anything and takes advantage of international students especially. I do know that there is a major university campus on a train line and right before that stop, the travel zone stops meaning that if you live in the city, you have to pay an extra $5 per day for one stop. The train company is also pretty damn good about raising their prices. I think since I've been here it's been 3 times.

But anyway, there is some good news. As I said before, the costs to make calls are absolute madness. I think I pay $1.50/minute to call another mobile phone here if it's not on my network. The best way to get by is just to find a landline phone (those still exist here though it is like a pay phone where you pay per call) and buy international calling cards to call home. Home is the USA for me. This is just temporary home.

Things to Remember When You Buy a Calling Card

Some cards, usually the ones that charge $0.03/minute up to about $0.10/minute usually have all these fees associated with them like a connection fee (you pay for each time you call the calling card company to connect). You can usually make up for this by calling whoever you know during that one phone call. Then there is the lovely "maintenance fees" where I guess it costs a lot of money to leave some information in a database for over a week. Some other companies charge a "tax or fee" just for the hell of it. There are other little snags like the amount of months that the card is good for. You don't want to buy something you can't use a month later if you haven't used all your credit.

A Suggestion, If I May

Cards like the Chopin Phone Card, to me, is a decent deal because there are none of those fees and it has 1 second rounding. You end up paying about $0.11/minute, but in the long run that's better than paying for three minutes when you only use one or paying these outrageous fees just for buying their product. So it's not really that bad. So that would be my suggestion. $3.00 for 26 minutes really isn't that much of a "great" deal but at least it will appear that it lasts longer.

To Make it Easy

So things really don't have to be that difficult when calling overseas. You might want to use one of the links above to take a look at what you can get to call your home country. I know a lot of you reading here in Australia are away from your home country so it might be worth a look. It's really up to you. I hope this did help you out. :)

This episode, at least, has a little more energy than the last one.  For some reason, I start to make these and I think about going home sometimes.  I'm really trying not to think too much and to work towards this goal I have made for myself.  Oh, that's not in this episode, that's just random thinking. :)

In this episode I talk about (in no certain order):

• Talk about staying here in Australia for about 6-9 more months.
• Site changes (Twitter added) but there is also a ticker on the podcast page that I added after I made this).
• My grades for the last semester and how I could have done better. :)
• The run-around with immigration happening again soon.
• The crazy costs of staying connected to the outside world in Australia.
• I got a new iMac but not many details about this.
• More stuff that I forgot about.
• I need feedback if you want to give it. :)

Have a listen here:  idioPod 14 and/or subscribe here.

For some reason, I like to refer to these things as podcasts themselves when I really mean episodes.  Has anybody really picked that up yet?

Finally, a decent connection. I won't be too long here but wanted to apologize for all the sponsored ads lately. I don't like them either. I especially don't like the last one but I need to offset some of my web hosting costs. The Dreamhost payments I've been getting are getting slower and slower lately so I have to make up the rest. I also need to make 4 more posts before I add them to my other site.

I woke up so early this morning. Around 6 and I guess I'm not ready for that because I want to go back to sleep so bad. I'll have to. Gilbert came in late last night and is already gone again so he can fly to China for business. My friend who's staying here has been skipping school a lot so I have to make sure he goes today. He's homesick.

I definitely need some memory for my new iMac. My Powerbook has more memory than it does. And why I'm saying this I don't know. I'm delirious.

I need sleep so that's where I'll go. I know this hasn't been very interesting, but hey. Oh yeah, I'll probably do a new podcast today or tomorrow and post it on Fri.

Are you having issues saving money? Well, the good thing is that you're definitely not alone. I know that I have so many problems saving money that it's not even funny. Maybe I should try harder to get some first. Yeah, yeah, I know... way easier said than done.

FinancialGenius can give you access to the resources you really need regarding Auto, Mortgages, Credit, Insurance, Student Loans, and Budgeting solutions. Also, find information about Home Owner Insurance Quotes while you're at it.

I don't know about you, but any kind of free information I can get about budgeting is always helpful. I am glad that all this is available at one convenient place. And I'm actually semi-qualified to give financial advice too, so how's that? :)

I say let's all go reward ourselves for planning properly and go out and get a new iMac or... um, an iPod Touch (for me of course).

Yes, it's been a few days. I went over the bandwidth limit by about 500 MB which will cost about $90. What a rip-off when in the US I was getting unlimited broadband for half the cost easily. So I'm back on dial-up which means that I won't be able to get a podcast out until Friday at the earliest. So that's the bad news.

Good news is that I did get a new computer. I'm tired of my Powerbook (PB) burning me. I thought I was after the 20 inch version but got the 24 inch instead. I'm not used to it, in fact, I'm not even using it now because it doesn't have the phone jack in it. So it's a good thing I kept my PB. Hooray for old technology for people like me who goes over small bandwidth limits!

Bad news, yeah, there's more. Now my Dreamweaver and Photoshop doesn't want to work on it, so what to do? I like Photoshop 7. I could keep it on here, well both of them. So we'll see what happens. I could run out and buy one or the other.

Well onward to other things. A lot of you know that my friend is staying here with me. He's been getting really homesick so I've been trying to make him feel better. He has shown me a lot of things about his home country, India. I've been listening to the music for the past few weeks mostly because he plays it so loud. But I don't mind. It's fine.

On Sunday night I did have the chance to sit down and watch a few videos and found one that I really liked. It's really pretty. The woman starts off by not wearing any make-up (I think) and goes to wearing all her jewellery and makeup. He said, "isn't she so much prettier now?" And I said, "She was beautiful to start with." And she was. It shows you that people can be beautiful by just being themselves. That's the important thing.

I will stress one more time how important it is for people to get to know and appreciate each other. I guess here I don't have to preach this so much, but in the US there still is a lot of fear due to "the unknown". I've learned over the past several years that people can be beautiful no matter what color, what race, what religious beliefs or anything. I'll be the first one to admit even I had some racial prejudices at first. I really believe that was the environment I was raised in then. After high school, I realized that I can't go into the big world thinking that way. I headed to New York for that reason. And I've learned so much since then!

So the video I was telling you about, it's here at the end of this entry. It took me forever to find until I looked at my friend's YouTube profile here. So I'll post that. You might not understand it but her voice, to me, is really nice. So I will leave you with that. Her name is Sowmya Raoh . Bye for now.

Hi everybody. I drank waaaaaaay too much Friday night so naturally I felt like complete crap yesterday. One day I'll learn that drinking so much isn't a cool thing to do, especially when I make a complete ass in front of my friends. I am telling you I don't even want to LOOK at any more booze for a long, long time.

I was supposed to clean the place in Bentleigh yesterday which didn't get done. Instead, I headed over to Chelsea and ate a late lunch. It was alright but I couldn't eat much because I felt like I would barf. So that didn't go over very well. I did get to eat at about 11 pm last night. It was left-over, cold Chinese food. (Yeah, I don't have a microwave that works. It's too much trouble to heat it up.)

My friend called me about an hour ago to leave and I am still in bed. I probably stink and need to bathe/shower. The smoke alarm is running low on batteries and it's irritating me too. It's like beeping every 30 seconds. I just changed the batteries in it not even a month ago. And I just bought the freakin' battery too.

You know, I came here thinking I had something to talk about and I don't. And I'm not going to post anything about how bad I need to get a massage, go to Florida or anything today so don't worry. I do admit that I'd love to go back to Florida though, honestly. And a massaging chair would be great... but anyway. I could be blogging about lamp shades, mortgages or something. So there!

One of the things I have realized, I need to go out a bit more. Maybe I should work harder to do that. I am getting tired of doing the same crap day after day. I was supposed to go somewhere over the weekend but didn't because of my hangover.

Oh, and I know this is totally unrelated to anything, but I really am considering getting that iMac that I want. I really want one. Screw the Macbook Air, I want an iMac. Much better value for my money there. I want a lot of things but I think it's more of a "tough shit" kind of thing unless someone loves me enough to get me one.

I also want to say that though I enjoy being single, I think things will do what they usually do and I'll end up with my ex again. A little bit of a break is good. Oh and sex too would be nice.

G'day people. And how are we all doing? I'll give you 30 seconds of silence here to answer... (are you telling me?) Oh good, I'm so happy that you're doing fabulously spectacular! That's absolutely wonderful!

Just so you guys know, I'm doing well. Very well in fact. I have erased most of my negative thoughts and I am feeling a lot better. Much better.

I have to admit that I have really liked my posts about the music that either bums me out or cheers me up. I love making lists like that for some reason for people to get a view of who I really am on the inside. It's not often that happens.

Today I am supposed to make a 2 hour trip to school and then to the city, then to the beach. I haven't taken a shower or anything yet, so I will have to do that pretty soon. I am getting things together for 2009 just in case I do come back to Australia. I have to prepare for all possibilities. As miserable as I sound here, it's not so bad. I have talked to a few people about my feelings and I guess, honestly, that I am no different than other people who come here to study. I miss my family, friends and my dog, but I will see them again soon. And things may not be wonderful in my personal life, but hey, who wants a perfect life? That's boring!

This post is pretty generic and I'll cover a few things. First, and foremost, I thought that I would mention Ron's site that I have been going to regularly. It's a personal blog (which in my opinion is 100 times more uplifting than this) and it's pretty awesome. Ron's a nice guy though I've met him only once. And from what I remember, he had a shaved head and that's always sexy. So you should go to what he calls "A Migrant's Tale". It's definitely a great read.

And also I wanted to mention about the PayPerPost thing I am doing. Yeah, sounds like the makings of a sales pitch, but honestly it's not... okay, maybe it is a little bit but I'll tell you a secret. It actually really works. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can say that all day and you'd be like, "Ben: He's a sellout." I'll honestly tell you that I do it to pay the hosting bill. Maybe one day I'll get that new iMac I want with the money I get. And yes, I have actually received money from those people. And the proof is in the [chocolate] pudding:

This is a bit of a screenshot of my account there. When I was taking the picture I said to myself, "Wow, I haven't donated anything." And you're right, I haven't, but this is $47.20 USD I can use towards payment of my web hosting costs. After that's done, then I'll add my other blogs and save enough to get an iMac in 5 years. The thing is that you get paid 30 days after having the posts up. But hey, this is like $50 USD I didn't have to do much for. So it is real, I have been paid $25 already and it's in my PayPal account. I think it's a great way to get money. No scam here. (And when I don't need the cash, I will donate it. I donated about $100 AUD to Australian Red Cross with these people.)

Okay, so that's done. You can sign up if you want to and if you do, I will love you for it!
And did you guys know I am gaining weight like crazy because I don't cook for myself anymore? My friend Peter has been feeding me lately and unfortunately, I'm usually hungry for junk food. :) He's a really good guy and has been a huge help in getting my shit together. I shouldn't be so irresponsible.
So yeah, on that note I really need to go. I... um, have stuff to do and get to go to the city to talk to the education agents about what to do for 2009. Fun. I'll catch you guys later and if you're bored with any of this, I do apologize. Psssssst: new photos.

I think I say this to myself every week: "I need a vacation." While I've been here, I've taken one or two short trips but really none for as long as I'd like to. I have to admit a two year vacation would be good, but not after I win the lottery of course! Or maybe I can live like a poor university student for the rest of my life until I can afford it. Yeah... right.

I think one of my most favorite places to go to was Florida and to The Keys. It was the first time I bothered to go snorkeling and the first time I really got to experience the place without my family around. (We used to go every year or so.) And driving there is the pits! My friend George and I went and it was a lot of fun. Unfortunately, I didn't really act like it but it was one of my favorite places. We stayed in Miami and then a place in The Keys. When I get old, I definitely want to consider going there and take a look at a Florida Vacation Home to stay in.

People here say they want to go to the US and they'd definitely want to go to Florida and I'm all for that. I just wish I could go! Melbourne is nice, I admit and I probably should go snorkelling while I'm here... soon. I don't want to die in the process though!

So consider looking to stay at a Florida vacation home for yourself instead of a boring old hotel. It's definitely better to have the whole place to yourself. That's what we usually did anyway when we'd go. Just make sure you know your options. :)

So that's all for me now. Sometimes I crave these things. Maybe when I get back I'll definitely go.

First I did the songs that depress me really bad, and now I have to post something about the songs that pick me up off the floor.

Too Funky - George Michael: The video is one of my favorites. I don't know if it's one of those gay things or not. Maybe it's the only time when I saw George Michael as "hot" like my aunt used to think. She doesn't think he's so hot anymore since she knows he likes to stuff weenies in his orifices. He's still hot in his own way. ANYWAY, when I listen to this, I sorta walk around like a model and have the "swish" down exactly. If you're around when I listen to this song, you'll see what I'm talking about. :) Brandi loves it.

Raspberry Swirl (Lip Gloss Mix) - Tori Amos: This is my number one played song on my iPod. I listen to it when I am angry too because it makes me be in a good mood. It also reminds me of my relationship with Brandi too. I like when Tori freaks out in her video so I do that while I listen to this song, no matter where I am. And I like to sing "Raspberry swirl... it's... it's... it's.. ah... num... num... num..." for some reason though it's not the same mix.

In the Springtime of His Voodoo - Tori Amos: This is probably one of my favorite songs by Tori Amos... probably like number two or three. I can probably sing this with any music going whatsoever and if I don't have any, I make me some. I sing this song in the car as a passenger and make up lyrics as I go. It makes the driver laugh. When I listen to it I think about the jungle and all these dancers dancing around which is pretty funny.

Heart of Gold - Tori Amos: It's not originally by her but I don't like the original version. I like her version because it is so funny to listen to two of her sing. It sorta makes me think about prostitutes. Things tend to get loud and crazy in it and loud and crazy usually perks me up. I like to sing this song (her version) very, very badly. Then I stop and say "So do you like my singing?" I usually get "that was horrible" and then I start singing it again. Then the other person laughs. Great fun.

Verandi - Björk: Back in 2001 when I heard this... I couldn't understand about 99.4% of it. But I love it because it's full of this raw energy. Around the end of this song it gets incredibly crazy where it sounds like she's almost freaking out and screaming. I scream along with her. Scream-singing, as I call it, is therapeutic in my opinion. Especially when it comes out of Björk.

Big Time Sensuality - Björk: When I'm in a shitty mood or upset, I listen to this, no questions asked. This IS the song I listen to when I need some energy. But it's important to note that it's not the original version, it's one of the mixes. And I still call it one of the most well-mixed songs, ever. I listen to the Fluke mixes... the Magimix is one of my favorites. The video mix is awesome. And of course I can act out the whole video and I do, even when I'm in public. People look at me like I'm insane and in a few ways, I am. :)

Kid A - Radiohead: I like this because I can't understand about 85% of it. I like the noises in it. I've always been a big fan of music like this. I've had this forever I think. I don't really listen to it everytime I'm sad, but when I am feeling that I need something upbeat, the whole album is good to listen to with the exception of "Motion Picture Soundtrack".

On the Radio - Regina Spektor: If you watched the video, you'd understand how precious this song really is. She can always make me feel better for some reason. I like the lyrics too, they're crazy. I love it. No real story behind this though, I just love it... that and the song Fidelity. :)

The Fuel - Sneaker Pimps: This song makes me want to have sex. Really, bad. Maybe it's the strand of masochism I have in me. I mean, not like sweet, loving sex but the hardcore, noise-making, bed snapping, head into the headboard sex. And I'm listening to it now and you people better be glad that you're not around. It's probably some of their best stuff besides 6 Underground and Spin Spin Sugar. Now that I think about it, Spin Spin Sugar does the same thing... but not as bad. All oldies but goodies. :)

Bittersweet Symphony - The Verve: I have always liked this song but didn't know who sang it. I thought it was from the 1960s and I think I asked my mom who sang it. I think they stole some old stuff and put it in their song or something like that. I'm almost sure they did which is WRONG. I like to sing this out loud. People say - I didn't know you liked this kind of music? Hey, I like Britney sometimes when she's not being a strung-out, depressed, suicidal, irresponsible whore.

Well, that's it for another list of stuff. :) So everybody listen to The Fuel and come see me!

I can't believe how stressed out I am and how much this headache wants to linger. I really hate it, actually. Plus I can't describe how crappy I feel in the mornings waking up. I think I wake up about 3 or 4 times a night. I'm one of those people who takes forever to go back to sleep.

Relax, you say? How am I going to do something like that with all this horrible stuff that is going on around me? I guess some massage would do not that I would really want anybody touching me. I think that if I sat in one of those massage chairs for a while I should be able to sleep a lot better. I was going to say for a few days, but I've read that you're not supposed to do that.

Honestly, I do need something done to relax a little bit. Instead of going to a chiropractor the massage chair thing would be perfect. And if I can get the same exact thing from a machine, I say "why not?"

I did find out that drinking alcohol doesn't help last night. I'd much, much, MUCH rather not polllute myself with booze to be able to chill out and be able to breathe again. Natural ways would be peachy. One way or another, I'll have to deal with my problems. But while I figure it out, why not take a look at the chairs Human Touch has?

This was supposed to be a "feel good" podcast announcing my return to podcasting, but it came out a lot more depressing.  I'll go ahead and post it though.  I promise the next will be a lot better!  I just had to rush to get this thing out.  But hello again.

If you've been reading my weblog, you'd know things aren't spectacular now and I am dealing with a lot of depression right now and I'm to the point where I'm afraid of what's going to happen.  I think that it's easily deciphered in here that I am just not happy.  I hope I don't pull any of you down.

You can listen to idioPod 13 by subscribing here.

I'd say enjoy, but I don't think this is an enjoyable experience.  Someone, please help me snap out of this. :(

I thought I'd take a few minutes to write a little bit here. Yesterday I had a really bad migraine most of the day and today it's not really any better but I thought I'd sit in front of the computer anyway. That seems like what I do best.

Oh, I did finish Twilight Princess. I was a bit disappointed by the ending though some parts were a bit sad. Zelda has to be one of the most fun games ever made... well, besides Metroid. I still haven't bought it and something tells me I probably won't.

I still need to rent out the Bentleigh property as soon as possible. I put it off for so long. I need to clean the place up really badly. I have taken next weekend to do that. And if anybody gets too bored, I say grab a mop, bucket and jackhammer and come on over! Nah, I wouldn't expect that from anybody. I figure the best way to save a bit of money is to put a vacant property to use. I am an awesome real estate agent but I don't try to rip people off. So if you know someone who's looking for a place and they don't mind living in the suburbs, then hey, hit them up. I have pictures available. I would write all the details here but I won't. I will say that it's a second story unit which is dreadfully close (in a good way, I'm jealous) to a train station. Oh and some utilities paid. Yeah, for $1,020/month. People say it's worth more than that but my main concern is just getting the thing together as one less expense. Didn't mean for that to sound like a sales pitch. :)

School fees are due next week. I might not make it. I think I'm screwed. I guess we'll see how screwed I am at the end of January. :)

...and no, I'm not really for rent.

I feel sorry for the person who called today and I was super rude to them.  No, I was absolutely rude.  See, I hate when people send me their number as blocked or they decide not to send their phone number.  It pisses me off.  So this person was like - are you sure you're Ben and I said something smart-assed and said you're wasting my time, what do you want?

So they hung up.  If this was you, I apologize.  I shouldn't be so rude.  You're right.

Oh wow, Gilbert came home last night quite unexpectedly.  Apparently I hadn't mentioned that my friend was staying here to keep me company.  Things weren't very pretty at all, but in the end they were better.  But I'm not entirely happy with that arrangement either.  I did tell my friend that I honestly didn't tell Gilbert he was staying here because I assumed that it was okay.  I have learned an important lesson:  you don't invite people to stay with you without asking other people, even if they're going to be gone for a while.

I thought I'd do something a little different on this blog post.  Then I'll go ahead and do my usual thing.  Now I'm going to do something depressing because that's what phase I am in now.  I figure that it can't be too bad.  You and I both know that I love my music and when I feel like I need to get everything out of my system and have a bit of a cry, I listen to certain songs.  And these songs, in no particular order, are:

Motion Picture Soundtrack - Radiohead:  Probably one of the first songs that I've listened to that actually made me really depressed.  I still listen to it sometimes because the opening is something I find really deep.  "Red wine and sleeping pills/Help me get back to your arms/Cheap sex and sad films/Helps me get back to where I belong."  Sadly, I've been one of those people who will take sleeping pills and allergy medication just to escape from having to deal with stuff.  Red wine with it?  Hasn't happened.

Unpretty - TLC:  This song hit the nail on the head on how my first ex made me feel.  Being told what a crappy person I am again and again and how much better the other person is can really do a person in.  And when I did try, it was never good enough.  I had a feeling that it never would be good enough.  I left that relationship feeling like the ugliest, most unproductive, and stupid person on the planet.  So I took their advice:  "Why do I do all these things to keep you happy?  Maybe I'll get rid of you and get back to me."  The pain still lingers.  This still depresses me.

Wild Soul (Orchestral Version) - Casey Stratton:  This has to be one of the most depressing free songs I've downloaded, ever.  When I realized that my relationship was in the shitter, I could tell exactly what he's going through.  And it's been hard, very hard.  "I can't cage your wild soul/I can't stop that tornado/I can't change what's become me to get back nothing/I can't stop what's coming."  It's not so much my other half at the time having a wild soul, it was me.  And I couldn't even stop the mess I was making.  I really thought about redoing this song as another perspective.  Something tells me Casey wouldn't go for that.  Go here to download this song and here to read about Casey Stratton.

That Winter - Casey Stratton:  Another one by Casey.  "We thought we had forever/Youth can create that dangerous mirage...Give me back that winter/Give me those days/Give me back that winter/Give me you again"  Yes, and I thought this would last forever.  But somewhere along the line, I pretty much knew things were going to go to shit.  As people say, nothing lasts forever and it doesn't.  Oh, god it doesn't.  What really tears me up is the end of the song.  The relationship that I was in was well matured by the wintertime.  And we had to separate.  I would have loved to go back to that winter of 2000 and have things where they used to be - but that won't happen.  Not again with him or anybody else.

Bloom - Casey Stratton:  All I have to do is listen to him and I get my ass knocked down a few notches.  Again, about a month or two ago, I would listen to this song and I'd be sitting on the train and just cry.  No one usually saw though.  And this is the song that restored some of my faith in my relationship.  It was the song where I was sitting here, listening to it and my bf was laying next to me sleeping.  "I don't want to sleep without you/And I don't want to laugh without you/I don't want to die without you/I don't want to love without you/I don't want to bloom without you."  Never fails people, never does.  In fact I'm listening to this now and have to wipe my eyes. 

China - Tori Amos:  It's not because of that Chinese person in my life.  A song about distance and how you can be literally sitting in someone's lap and it feels like you're across the world.  No feeling, no love, no emotion anywhere.  You see hope, but in your eyes, the person sitting there sees something else in their mind like a mountain of $2 coins.  "Sometimes I think you want me to touch you/How can I when you built a great wall around you?"  You're at a point where talking doesn't help.  Hell, tying a note to a brick and throwing it through the window doesn't do a damn thing either.  You're screwed... why bother?

Cloud on My Tongue - Tori Amos:  A few lines do it to me here:  "Leave me the way I was before/You're already in there/I'll be wearing your tattoo/I'm already in circles and circles and circles again [with this]/Circles and circles and circles again Gotta stop spinning in circles and circles and circles."  Not the exact lyrics but it sounds exactly how it's written.  I've figured that I've lost my identity being in a relationship that long.  I have burned a nasty scar in my brain that won't go away for a very long time.  Sometimes people can be so damn confusing and I chase a dream that will disappear in front of me at some point.

Gold Dust - Tori Amos:  You did see the video, didn't you?  And you were paying attention to the lyrics?  And you did read what I put there, right?  Well to repeat myself, a song about reflection of the past.  This is actually one of the few songs that my partner and I liked as a couple.  And to sum everything up, enjoy what you have at the moment because you never know when it will be taken from you.  Slowly, the sands of time will be against you and they'll be slipping between your fingers and on the ground in no time.  "Do I have - of course I have beneath my raincoat, I have your photograph.  And the sun your face I'm freezing that frame..." 

All is Full of Love - Björk:  Back when it came out the video made me depressed.  Nothing like good old-fashioned robot lesbian porn to depress a guy.  The song has a strong message to someone like me who sits around writing how crappy things are.  Love of life is all around you, no matter where you are.  People have to search for these things.  Even if the love isn't there sitting next to you, you know someone... somewhere... has you in their thoughts and that's what counts.

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So yeah, you get my point, right?  I hope you do discover some new music.  Those are some of the songs I reflect on now.  I know you guys, I haven't been in the highest spirits as of late.  I know I said I'd be positive but I feel like the more time passes, I will figure out what exactly I've lost.  In ways, I miss him, but how is this different than any other time he's deserted me?  Exactly.

I was going to post a few songs that I like that boost me back up.  When I'm on the train or something I listen to a few of those then pick myself up with some more music.  Most of the "pick me up" music is by Björk though.  :)  I miss her good stuff.

I wasn't going to post this, but I guess I will.  I found the results a bit crazy since I was saying how much I don't like Barack Obama.  I mean, if it came down to it and he was in the race, I would (reluctantly).  But I am hoping for Hillary Clinton.  I hope she gets some of her "oomph" back.

My pick for Presidential Candidate:

88% Barack Obama
86% John Edwards
84% Hillary Clinton  <-- my number 1 pick
82% Joe Biden
81% Bill Richardson
78% Chris Dodd
66% Dennis Kucinich
63% Mike Gravel
61% Rudy Giuliani
54% John McCain
41% Mike Huckabee
41% Mitt Romney
33% Tom Tancredo
32% Fred Thompson
17% Ron Paul

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

I think that's a lot of people's problem.  Some of these guys have already dropped out of the race like Joe Biden and Chris Dodd.  I was actually sad when I read that.  Oh if you're in Australia or any other part of the world, the blue ones are Democrats and the red ones are Republicans.  I'm a Democrat supporter, needless to say.  I'm  honestly really, really tired of the mess the American people have created in the last 8 years. 

Today I'm going to share with you one of my favorite songs by Tori Amos called "Gold Dust". 

It is a bit strange because people who don't really care for Tori actually like the song.  Sadly, when Gilbert and I were together, it was one of our favorites.  He actually knew every word of it.  It's a song about reflection of the past.  When I listen to it, it does remind me about the days that my relationship wasn't 3 steps away from the garbage can.  You know, the days when I would have done anything for this man... and the days when I thought the world of him and being with him during the change of seasons. 

The moral of the story is to enjoy what you have now because things aren't going to be as glittery as they once were.  This stuff is gold, sifting from your hands... you can't hold on to it forever so enjoy. 

I have been feeling nostalgic as of late and a bit down.  Before I head out of this country, I plan on shooting some video and making a video of something similar.

And this ladies and gentleman, is "Gold Dust" and the video from the Scarlet's Walk DVD.




That is all.  I wish everybody a good weekend.

Today... is Brandi's birthday.  And if you don't know who Brandi is, she's my best friend in the United States.  She doesn't normally come read this, but if you have a MySpace account, she'll be so excited that you sent her a message on her birthday. (Click on that link up there.)

Next I want to say that I am really disappointed with the people in Iowa.  First, about 7 years ago, someone by the name of George Bush Jr came into office.  3 years ago, apparently people didn't learn about the mistake the first time around.  Because "wouldn't it be so cool if a father and on were President of the US?"  We saw how much trouble that got us in.  Then the people of California said "wouldn't it be so cool if a steroid whore like Arnold Schwarzenegger was governor?"  Yeah, that turned out to be really "cool".  And now people are wanting to elect a guy into office that is so inexperienced it makes me laugh?  That is just a hurricane ready to happen.  Well, we can see that I support Hillary Clinton.  She has by far, the most experience to handle the job as president.  Granted, she did make some mistakes as senator, but I think anything's better than what Bush has done.  I'm not looking for the coolness of a woman president.  I know she can do the job.  She has done some really awesome things so far. 

Having said that, it would be good to show the world that we, as Americans, do value diversity.  (Well, at least I do.)  I think the US is ready for a woman president.  Or black president.  Or yellow president, or purple.  It doesn't matter, as long as they get the job done.  I have been a bit biased because of who I support.

But anyway, I got a little crazy then.  I'll have to expand on this later when I have time.  EVERYBODY can see that I'm really not that politically minded.  Don't be fooled.  These kinds of posts usually get a comment or two about what a bad person Hillary is, and etc.  But everybody's opinion is valued and is appreciated. :)

I'm out of here to do some touristy things.  I will catch you a bit later.

Okay, so you have all these extra videogames laying around and you don't play them, right?  So why not trade them in for something fresher and newer?  That's what I say.  Playerchain.com let's you easily do video game trades and what is even more shocking that they will give you the full market value of your trade.  There are absolutely no late fees and additionally, it's free to join.  And we all know that free is one of my favorite words!  (Especially when it's very stylishly underlined) :)  It's time to stop taking your games to the game stores and getting next to nothing for them.

Additionally, no credit card is needed, no money is involved with trading, no late fees (as I said earlier) and no commitment at all.

Really interesting concept really and I went to their website to see what was going on.  Looks pretty cool.  I'll definitely have to give it a go.  Not that I have too many games that I'm finished playing but it would be nice to know that the options are there after I add more to my Wii collection.  I have been eyeballing Metroid Prime 3 for a while.  I have really been looking forward to playing it and instead of paying out the nose for it, hey, at least I have options available, right?

Head over to Playerchain.com now.

What's with this writing a weblog every day?  I guess I do need a job really bad.  I have a few things on my mind today and one of them is grilled cheese sandwiches.  I want one and I guess I do have the right stuff to make them.  So I'm sure that will be either lunch or dinner or something else.

Yesterday, one of my friends asked me if he could stay with me for a few weeks and I said okay.  What implications is this going to have on my social life?  It's like if you have a usual set of lottery numbers and you didn't buy a ticket last week only to find that they drew every single one of those numbers.  That's how I felt after I said "yes, sure".  Then he said, "Can I bring my stuff tomorrow?" and I said, "Tomorrow?" with a chuckle.  And he said, "Ben, I'm being serious."  I said "Okay, that's fine."  You may remember this friend from this entry.  Since then, I snapped out of it a bit.  Why?  Because I am in absolutely no rush.

Needless to say, I had shit to do today.  I had two friends coming over this morning and this afternoon.  I guess that hasn't happened.  Yet the friend mentioned above sort of lives in his own time zone and is rarely on time.  What makes me feel even worse is that I keep having to cancel plans with people.  I honestly can't remember what I promise people.  These holidays are going by in a blur.  I do know I had stuff to do today, tomorrow and Saturday.

I have a feeling that over the next few weeks, heads are going to roll and it will probably be mine first.  I have chunked myself into so many messes.  I know by letting him move in, some messy blood-letting is going to happen.  And I'm sure a lot of you are like "WTF is he talking about?"  But trust me, I think I put myself in the worst position for this to happen.

Ooooh yeah, and you remember that PayPerPost thing ("Get paid to blog")?  I did get paid for that.  They money's sitting in my PayPal account now.  I'm using it to pay my hosting costs for 2008-2009.  If you're interested, you can go to PayPerPost to sign up.  I was actually going to get an iMac but I think it would take too long. :)

I am also working on an idiologic sidebar for the Mozilla browsers.  If you use Firefox, Flock (update:  I was wrong, no sidebar), SeaMonkey (update: no, sorry, I lied unintentionally), Camino, (update:  yeah, this too), then you'll have weblog and podcast updates one click away.  It's just a matter of adding a link to your bookmarks and telling it to open in the sidebar.  I decided to do this after AOL told Netscape to "just die already".  I love the sidebar.  It's not ready yet, I need to code in the good stuff. :)

UPDATE:  Apparently the browsers that I thought supported the sidebar actually don't.  Firefox is set to go, but not Flock or SeaMonkey.  Since this is the case, I will unfortunately have to make an add-on for Firefox which will most likely take me forever.  I did find that using the Wii is handy too, so we'll see, eh?  I think I can do a work-around for any browser.  Updated again:  Opera will do it for me too, sweet.

And as a bonus, you get a photo I took with Photo Booth: 

Happy New Year to all of you.  I hope that the holiday was at least semi-special.  I hope you got some tongue action from that special someone and if you didn't, there's always next year, right?

Again, a day of boiling heat.  And now it's time to start focusing on my goals... first thing's first, the job.  Need that more than anything at this stage.

As we can see, I'm still attempting to chug ahead with my studies here despite being in a shitty environment.  It will take a lot of work (and money) but there's no reason why I can't. 

For now I'll just post a random, never-before-seen photo of myself.  I was thinking that I knew what photo I'd post but I honestly never looked so bad in my life.  It was a picture of me in bed with one of my best friends in the US.  No, nothing bad.  He came over to visit me one morning and I was still tired and pretty darn grouchy.  Oh, what the hell, I'll post it anyway. :)  This will scare the people who like me away: