Emotionally a Mess

Hi everybody.  I am just sitting here doing nothing.  Yes, I should be studying for exams but of course I am not.  Poor Ben has a lot of things going through his head.  He always does.  I'd love to put things on a more positive note and stop being so negative but the only time I feel like writing anything, it's negative.  So here begins my negativity tirade.  So, what is the problem?  

Holidays.  I hate being away from my family on the holidays.  I didn't think that I would hate it this much.  What makes me more sad is that I did tell my partner, Gilbert, that I am going to have serious emotional problems if I stayed here through the holidays.  I told him that I would need extra support during this time to keep my mind at ease.  Guess who's not around right now?

Desertation.  My boyfriend is gone at a time when I need him most.  I am saddened about this and I really feel like this whole situation was completely avoidable.  He could have found a local job but chose not to.  It came down to whether making $30,000 more a year was worth leaving me hundreds of miles away.  Of course it was.  Sometimes I like to question his true feelings.  He can say he loves me 100 times a day but I'm not sure I believe it anymore.  Some people are just not-so-nice.

Douchebags.  Melbourne is full of them.  The gay community needs to wake the fuck up and realize that life isn't about who can sleep with the most men.  Life to a lot of people, like me, isn't one huge contest to see who I can fuck over or sleep with.  I thought where I lived in Texas was bad?  This is probably the worst I've ever run into.  People genuinely don't want to get to know me, they just want in my pants.  I've learned that lesson.  I do have a few friends who have stuck with me though and they've been beautiful people.

School.  These damned exams have been crazy.  Four in one week, one right after another.  I really can't stand it.  My mindset for the medical field here in Australia is slowly deteriorating.  I am almost positive that I don't want to work in the health field here.  This system is a train wreck.  I think a bit of it is my low self-esteem.  I don't feel like I can do it, but then again, I haven't put my full effort in.  I guess I can always try harder.

Sexuality.  I found that it's a lot harder for me to accept myself for who I am than I originally thought.  I can always hide behind the fact that I say I'm bisexual when I 94% am likely not to be.  I can't bear to call myself a genuinely gay man.  I try to but it comes out as me being gay-slash-bisexual because I do have a preference.  I don't get enough social interaction with the gay community.  That's sad.  I think I feel mildly ashamed.  Sometimes I think that I have reverted being comfortable in my own skin to being ashamed of the fact that I'm a gay man in a shitty, stereotypical dysfunctional relationship.  (This brought these thoughts on...)  Podcast from OnglinePodcast.

Love?  I need some nice hugs and kisses right about now.  I need emotional support.  I know I can get that from my family.  I sometimes think I did the wrong thing.  I wish I wouldn't have.  When am I going to wake up and realize just how important they are to me?

Escape.  I wish I could escape, really.  With or without a relationship then some free time.  I need an escape.  God I feel so whiny.  I really do.  Entries like this usually get lost somewhere never to see the light of day.  But I'll post this because these are my true thoughts.

That's it, really.  ::sigh:: Someday, Ben.  Someday you will grow your wings and fly away.  I'm listening to Casey Stratton's new holiday album now.  The song is called That Winter.  It's his music that puts me in this mood, but it's good. :)  Listen to it if you want.  There, I at least ended this on a more positive note, eh?