December 2007 Archives

Ah, here, it is New Year's Eve and it's a shame I'm not in the US right now so I can entertain a little bit.  A lot of people make resolutions and I've done it about half the time, probably less.  I figure that it's good to have something to work towards because of that feeling of accomplishment is absolutely great.  We'll see if I can accomplish them.

And now, for the list of things to work towards in 2008:

• Health:  My age is catching up with me, my metabolism is slowing down and well, it just happens every year I have a birthday.  My goal, lose the fat I've been getting around my gut.  THAT is where it's all going.  I weigh approximately 155 pounds (70 kg).  I hope to get back to 145 pounds (66 kg) and if that doesn't happen, I hope to get more toned.  Need more exercise.  (Come on, folks, what would it be without one of the weight goals?!)
• Food:  I need to eat healthier.  Less Cokes.  Less Sprites.  Less sugar water.  More water.  I try to drink about 2 liters a day but it hasn't gone well lately.  Enough fast food, going out to eat, etc. 
• Career:  I need to finish or get a strong footing towards my nursing career.  I need to learn more and take a more proactive approach to my ongoing studies.
• Money:  Time to cut necessary costs by 20% and to remove 80% of total unnecessary costs.  I'm not bad with this.  I need to save enough to be comfortable with living on my own.
• Communication:  Express my feelings more.  Need to communicate more effectively with the people around me.
• Love:  None.  If it happens, it happens.  I need healing time.  :)
• Music:  I say it every year that I will make more but I never do.  Maybe this year I should make a better attempt to help other people.  I think that would be nice.
• Life:  Negativity is what is going to end up killing me.  Time to change.

So yes, we can see that my goals are vague.  They are because it really means I have room to play around with them and customize them as I go.  I haven't added anything that is beyond my goals.  And I know with most of them I could accomplish them today.  Except I'd hate to see what would happen if I wanted to lose 10 pds today.  It will be a bit harder than it used to be.  I have actually started working out last week.  I have been sore! :)

Damn these temperatures, it's going to be about 42ºC (or about 108ºF) today.  I hate that.  I hate hot Decembers.  That's it for now.  I don't plan to stay online all day like I have been.  So if I don't come back, I hope everybody has an absolutely fabulous New Year's Eve/Day!

I thought I'd type something here but not on the same day.  Didn't want you guys to think that I'm being some sort of attention whore.  I'm not.  It's funny how things work out sometimes.  As far as I know the "decision" hasn't been reversed.  But we're still acting the same as we usually do.  I've been working in the background trying to get myself a job for the sake of keeping sane (and getting that new iMac I want).  Last night one of my friends had a talk with me and I just now thought about what he said.  So I'm seriously alright.

1.  I met some pretty cool people this year here in Melbourne.  They've kept me sane.
2.  I made it a whole semester and I honestly didn't think that I would.  (And everyone lost their bet, HA!)
3.  I have gained a bit of oomph in my public speaking thanks to all the presentations I had to do.
4.  I paid for school, flew to Australia, paid for my visa(s) all on my own.
5.  I am credit card debt free!  (Now I have to work on those damn student loans.)
6.  I own another Wii.  I'm almost done with Zelda.
7.  IdioPod was born, killed and then reborn (in 2008).
8.  Dreamhost continues to keep me alive financially.
9.  I still have great friends in the USA like Brandi, Kate, Joey, Jose and Gary.
10.  I grew even closer to my family.  That means a lot to me now.
11.  I haven't gotten a major sinus infection this year.  I have been breathing through my nose for months now!
12.  I reconnected with some friends (and an ex) through MySpace.
13.  I have done things for people that I never thought I could do.  It's very rewarding though.
14.  I had a lot of fun at school but should have studied harder.
15.  I have maintained a constant weight.  I weighed as much as 165 pds (75 kg) and now down to 150 pds (68 kg).

After my last post about the happy free Mac software thing, I thought I'd knock myself down a little bit and explain what's going on around here.  Apparently on Thursday, my relationship has ended.  Before anybody says anything like "Awww, I'm so sorry" or anything, trust me it's for the best.  I would really like to sit here and cry and stuff like that but I'm not.  We can all see that it was a train wreck ready to happen.  

Hey guys and girls, I'm just going to touch on something cool that I found about a year ago called MacHeist (you can read exactly what it is here).  And don't worry, this isn't one of my ploys to get money or anything.  I honestly don't get a dime from this.   But I think it's pretty cool because I've gotten some free software out of the deal. Free Stuff

I really have to stop making entries and not publishing them.  Opera doesn't really like MT, you know, the blog software that I use.  Sometimes after I write it, it sorta just disappears.     So I guess if you want to read a little bit about my Christmas here, you can read an entry back.

Today/tonight I went to my teacher's house and totally drank too much.  Oh, and the BBQ was really good too.  And the view was absolutely spectacular.  I could see Melbourne from the top of the hill.  It was really nice.  My teacher is very sweet to put up with all of us students.  A few of us went there to spend the day and it was great.  

I just drank too much as usual so I left about 8 PM.  But wow, i'm still a bit drunk.  Damn alcohol.  I will need to do quite a lot of situps to get rid of this belly.

Merry Christmas all.  I hope it's good for you!

So maybe you have a Wii and maybe you want to be my friend.  Maybe you don't, but if you do, then you can register me as a friend on your Wii.  Send me some messages or a picture or two.  

I have two of these bad boys but this is for the one I have here in Australia.  :)

Sorry about the break.  My router, the piece of crap, stopped working so I was internet-less for a week.  I was busy for the past two weeks anyway.  I finished my extended care clinical placements.  The second time around was much easier and a lot more relaxed.  I didn't bitch or complain about it once.  (OK I probably DID)  So it went by much, much faster.  

After working a week at a nursing home, today I got a strange craving for oatmeal.  Fortunately I had some here.  So that was lunch.  What a good lunch it was too but I am starving still.  Anyway, about my clinical practice stuff, I didn't bitch and complain about it the whole time so the week went by really fast.  I still have another week left.

Let's face it, you need money for your studies. It comes down to the point where everybody could use a little extra. Every year, in the USA, the government says we have to fill out a form called the FAFSA or the Free Application for Free Student Aid. I say, if you can get some help with it, why not? FAFSAOnline.com let's you do just that. I just went through the website and there is a huge amount of information there regarding the process to fill it out as well as some pretty awesome secrets. Any questions you might have regarding free student aid, it is there. Any information you will need is only a click away. 

That night with my boyfriend was well-needed.  We didn't really talk about our future or anything like that.  He brought me my favorite Indian food last night, washed my clothes and slept holding me all night.  I noticed something was "going on" around midnight and told him I need sleep and that I couldn't do anything.  It did thrill me because it wasn't initiated on my part.  I did feel bad for rejecting sex though when we don't have enough to begin with.  I woke up around 5:30 this morning and usually when I get up, I do my email check and stuff.  I got up, used the toilet, brushed my teeth, stood there for a while and crawled into bed because he said he would drop me off at "work" this morning.  So I crawled back into bed with him.  It was then we had morning sex.  (Everybody loves morning sex).  So yes, it was nice.  I didn't end up getting up until 20 minutes before I had to be at my clinicals.  

I thought this was a perfect opportunity to explain what's going on in my head.  I had left a comment on a podcast John Ong made on OnglinePodcast.com.  (It was #252)  He brought up some good points and some questions, so   I'm going to use this space to explain myself and hopefully break some of the silence I've had over the past few years.

I tend to disappear after I post something like I did last time.  Yeah, I know, awful of me.  An update, no I don't feel automatically better.  I am in better spirits though I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I'll be somewhat alone for the holidays.  I started my 2nd batch of clinical practice today.  The place is actually pretty nice.  I didn't really notice that a lot of residents were "all the way there" but I guess that's why they're there.  

I did go see the Australian Dancesport Competition thing last night.  I'm not much for ballroom dancing but the show was actually pretty nice.  China pretty much came out on top.  Who knew... I sure didn't when I got there.  I have no idea what ballroom dancing is for the most part.  But still, quite a nice experience.  The Latin dancers, the guys, were quite hotties.  Something about an open shirt like that and muscles makes a giddy guy like me happy!  Mmmm...

And of course, the women were equally beautiful.  I liked the women with the really red or pink hair.  Like super-advanced red and pink!  Some of them had Santa hair.  That made me excited.  It always does when I see someone like Tori Amos.

Hadi from my last entry told me that I need to stop making myself crazy over stuff I can't change.  I couldn't agree more (or less for that matter).  It's funny, about three people in the past four days have told me to try yoga or even some breathing exercise.  I might just do that.  I get so tired of stressing myself out day after day.  Is it a personal choice to be a stressed person?  Yes.  I don't stress over some things, believe me.  But I DO stress myself out over the most silliest things.  

God, I'm so tired.  I stayed in the city last night because of the ballroom dancing thing last night.  I had to wake up early to get to my "work".  So I'm going to watch TV (Judge Judy actually) and then I am going to sleep!!!  :)  Have a good night/day.  Bye. :)

Hi everybody.  I am just sitting here doing nothing.  Yes, I should be studying for exams but of course I am not.  Poor Ben has a lot of things going through his head.  He always does.  I'd love to put things on a more positive note and stop being so negative but the only time I feel like writing anything, it's negative.  So here begins my negativity tirade.  So, what is the problem?  

Holidays.  I hate being away from my family on the holidays.  I didn't think that I would hate it this much.  What makes me more sad is that I did tell my partner, Gilbert, that I am going to have serious emotional problems if I stayed here through the holidays.  I told him that I would need extra support during this time to keep my mind at ease.  Guess who's not around right now?

Desertation.  My boyfriend is gone at a time when I need him most.  I am saddened about this and I really feel like this whole situation was completely avoidable.  He could have found a local job but chose not to.  It came down to whether making $30,000 more a year was worth leaving me hundreds of miles away.  Of course it was.  Sometimes I like to question his true feelings.  He can say he loves me 100 times a day but I'm not sure I believe it anymore.  Some people are just not-so-nice.

Douchebags.  Melbourne is full of them.  The gay community needs to wake the fuck up and realize that life isn't about who can sleep with the most men.  Life to a lot of people, like me, isn't one huge contest to see who I can fuck over or sleep with.  I thought where I lived in Texas was bad?  This is probably the worst I've ever run into.  People genuinely don't want to get to know me, they just want in my pants.  I've learned that lesson.  I do have a few friends who have stuck with me though and they've been beautiful people.

School.  These damned exams have been crazy.  Four in one week, one right after another.  I really can't stand it.  My mindset for the medical field here in Australia is slowly deteriorating.  I am almost positive that I don't want to work in the health field here.  This system is a train wreck.  I think a bit of it is my low self-esteem.  I don't feel like I can do it, but then again, I haven't put my full effort in.  I guess I can always try harder.

Sexuality.  I found that it's a lot harder for me to accept myself for who I am than I originally thought.  I can always hide behind the fact that I say I'm bisexual when I 94% am likely not to be.  I can't bear to call myself a genuinely gay man.  I try to but it comes out as me being gay-slash-bisexual because I do have a preference.  I don't get enough social interaction with the gay community.  That's sad.  I think I feel mildly ashamed.  Sometimes I think that I have reverted being comfortable in my own skin to being ashamed of the fact that I'm a gay man in a shitty, stereotypical dysfunctional relationship.  (This brought these thoughts on...)  Podcast from OnglinePodcast.

Love?  I need some nice hugs and kisses right about now.  I need emotional support.  I know I can get that from my family.  I sometimes think I did the wrong thing.  I wish I wouldn't have.  When am I going to wake up and realize just how important they are to me?

Escape.  I wish I could escape, really.  With or without a relationship then some free time.  I need an escape.  God I feel so whiny.  I really do.  Entries like this usually get lost somewhere never to see the light of day.  But I'll post this because these are my true thoughts.

That's it, really.  ::sigh:: Someday, Ben.  Someday you will grow your wings and fly away.  I'm listening to Casey Stratton's new holiday album now.  The song is called That Winter.  It's his music that puts me in this mood, but it's good. :)  Listen to it if you want.  There, I at least ended this on a more positive note, eh?

Ah, hello.  It's been a long time and I've been keeping this a secret for a while.  I have decided to bring back idioPod in an effort to keep my friends in the US updated with what's going on in the world around me.

This announcement is also in audio format so if you want to, resubscribe. 

Have a listen, it was produced in a very hush-hush, in-the-closet manner:  idioPod Announcement 1.  (But please use the subscribe link instead if you can...)
And of course, subscribe.

New episodes will be available on 14 January 2008.  I have actually made a page to answer any questions you might have on my website.  Go look at the main page at idiologic.com. 

I have done an extended entry for those to get a better understanding why I disappeared so abruptly...

Funny how I write something, upload a file and BAM it's all gone.  Well anyway, I guess to summarize the huge entry I just wrote, I was saying I am thinking about going into teaching health and math when I finish this course.  Thinking only so no need for alarm. :)

I have exams every day this week.  The big one is on Fri and it pretty much says if I can continue nursing or not.  If I don't, Ben's going back... hmmm, not so bad after all really.

One way or another, I need a job.  I feel like a loser.  Gilbert's gone and I'm here by myself trying to take care of myself.  Not fun.  I just ate 4 italian burger things.  Good stuff, especially when it's burnt.  (I like my burgers burnt.)

So yeah, I need an effing job.  Getting desperate and that's no good.

Hello!  The birthday is officially over today and as of right now, I am all alone at home.  Sad really but I think I needed a little bit of time to myself.  We probably both needed it.  I didn't really get a proper goodbye because we were both rushing to get somewhere.  He'll be back for Christmas.  I honestly have no idea when Christmas really is but I have no choice but to figure it out soon.

On Friday, my classmates are having a birthday party for me and one of my other classmates.  I guess a bit of a Christmas dinner even for those people who don't do the Christmas thing.  It should be nice.  I need to figure out what I can make with meat and without meat.  People are expecting me to bring something American but... honestly, what IS American food?  Someone said a turkey but I never made a turkey.  I have a feeling that one won't even fit in the oven. :)

That and I just don't "do" a lot of meat - OK, that sounds naughty but in a way I am sure it is.  But yeah, I cut my meat consumption from about 6 days a week to 3 days.  Am I ever going to be a vegetarian?  No.  I need meat to live, really.  I don't know how vegans do it.  I really don't.  Men need meat... oh yes, and potatoes.  And damn it I'm a MAN!  You can ask anybody I slept with about that!

So OK, that's all for me... for now.  I need to cook something to eat since I'm on that note.  Had 2 slices of cake for breakfast and no lunch.  Not healthy.  :)

I'm need to trim some fat around my belly area.  Pictures will come.  I'm going to work on that later tonight. :)

Ah today's my birthday.  I am officially one year older - yeah, that makes sense.  I started my celebration yesterday after class when I went to the beach and hung out at the pier in Frankston for two hours.  Apparently, Gilbert's car was on its last leg... well, okay, tires.  So the tires were bad and one was blown.  Two were replaced.  So at the end of the day I was tired because I didn't get picked up until 5:30 pm.  I left class at 2:30 pm so I wasn't too excited. But I figured instead of being all pissed off during the weekend, I would just get over it.  And I did.  I went to a place about 40 minutes away to a restaurant/pub and got some booze and satay chicken.  Good stuff.  After that I pretty much went to the hotel and fell asleep.  Good stuff. I slept really well because the air conditioner was on all night.  You see, when you live with a Chinese person, you can't sleep with the A/C or a fan on because it costs too much money to do that.  And my sleep quality falls to the floor.So that's no fun at all. But yeah I just got back and it was a good birthday.  I'm going to celebrate by wearing my birthday suit.  Pictures soon? :)

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