I thought this was a perfect opportunity to explain what's going on in my head. I had left a comment on a podcast John Ong made on
OnglinePodcast.com. (It was #252) He brought up some good points and some questions, so I'm going to use this space to explain myself and hopefully break some of the silence I've had over the past few years.
Me, bisexual? Don't be fooled people, I've been in the same same-sex relationship for over seven years now. So I have known who I am and what I'm doing. Gay and proud? I have been. How about now? Not so much. This is no secret though: my relationship with my partner is suffering greatly. In so many ways I am in 20 different moods. I'm sad that I feel that my relationship isn't working out. I'm deprived because my sex life with him is just about dead. I'm angry that he doesn't think twice to think of how I am feeling, yet he goes to where the money is. I'm depressed because the holidays were supposed to be with him, and he's not here (three days in Dec isn't enough). My brain and my heart aches because I am missing something in my life. In so many ways I feel like Swiss cheese because I have all these holes in me. I am not romantic anymore. I'm not as caring or kind towards my significant other. I try, but my attempts are always muted with insensitivity and misunderstanding. He doesn't see it. He laughs it off and moves on with life.
How can I be gay and proud when I am a guy who I guess puts himself into these relationships only to be disappointed time after time? I could hear "I love you" about 20 times a day and not believe it. Is this love something I want to deal with for the rest of my life?
I say I am bisexual now because I am tired of the pain. I am sure that even if I did lose my partner, I wouldn't be able to find another one. I am not sure what has made me believe that way. As I said earlier, things about me have changed.
In some ways, I don't like boundaries on who I can or can't love. If a woman comes along and I fall in love, really, why not? I can't legally start looking until the current relationship ends. I do have a moral code carved into my soul. I know that once I go "to the other side" then there won't be any going back. I'm afraid of the unknown. Yet, it's inviting. But, I don't think I could handle it.
About giving my parents false hopes, well, I don't like to divulge my personal life to a majority of my family. I love them. I hate lying to them, but I want them to know that I am who I am. I think they realise (sorry, Australian spelling is on) I'm bi and hell, why not?
My partner is also "bi", you know, like me. I am horribly frustrated we can't do things as a couple. I crave his attention, love, honesty and body, but I don't feel like we can do it. I want to at least go to a club sometimes with him but there is always work. I had a party to go to here and didn't go because I get tired of showing up to parties as "single" when I'm not. Yeah, that's how I feel a majority of the time, single. If I am feeling that way, why bother?
Return to the US? I have been thinking about it. Is it responsible? No. Why? I have a mission. That mission hasn't been accomplished. My relationship may be in the shitter, but I'm physically not. Work hard, that's what I have to do.
Luckily, he's coming back home tonight so we're going to have a talk about things. I haven't ruled out leaving yet. I'll miss Australia, but I'm so tired of aching. It's like a constant heartache.
Despite what I might have just said, I am feeling OK today. :) No, really. I feel good about how things are going with my career. First time I've felt this way in a long time. So I am OK. I'll use a phrase that one of my patients used today: "you don't have to worry about me. I'm OK."