October 2007 Archives

For any of you who aren't living in Australia at this time of the year, be glad you don't. Yes, November, December, January and February is my new "summer" but so far, I hate it. Why? Flies, flies, everywhere flies! They drive me absolutely insane.

I went to the beach on Sunday because well, the beach is one of my favorite places to go when I have nothing better to do (like work on an essay that is due in 2 days... by the way, it's done and turned in). But jesus, one foot out of the door and it was like a swarm. They fly in front of my face, land on my sweaty back and fly near my ears. If they didn't make any noise, it would be completely different. (Hey, maybe I should listen to my iPod 100x louder so I can make myself deaf!!!) These things are just BASTARDS! (And if you're super-mega bored, you can go to this page about the Australian bush fly - the thing that puts me in a mood like this. It's actually pretty darn interesting.)

I guess anybody living on the coast of Texas (where I'm originally from) will understand my dilemma because of the mosquitoes every time it rains in the summer.

I hate fucking flies. I hate snails and there are plenty of them here. And the ceiling is crammed full of spiders. Too bad I'm not an arsonist.

So screw going to the beach unless someone's going to make it worth it, like I don't know, those hunky Aussie surfers. ;)

That is all. :)

Hello.

What? What do you mean that I should be doing something else right now? It's that important? Oh, that thing, yeah, my 1,500 word essay that is due tomorrow. And here I am!

I know it's pretty bad. That's why I am going to finish that... later.

Yeah, yeah, I am the posterchild for procrastination. I just don't feel like it, actually. It's really, really important. I know that, but why do I continue to type here? What's going to happen? I will be awake at 2 am in the morning about 700 words into the thing and not done. Once it's done though, I should be fine. So many times in the past I've done this and I've done quite well but honey, that wasn't in Australia. That was in the US. I have a feeling that the lack of time I spent on it will really cost me - yet, I still sit here.

Have anybody ever saw the episode of Spongebob Squarepants about him and his 1,000 word essay? Yeah same thing is going on here.

I wonder why people do things like this. Later I'm going to be banging my head on the table wishing I did this 8 weeks ago. ;)

I guess I should take a shower or something and work on it... who knows, but first I'll go ahead and work on it. No IMs. No emails. Just until tomorrow! I'll go ahead and make a nice inspirational photo for the other procrastinators out there:

Bye for now!

OK, so here I am again. Since the last post I am doing better. I can't really complain too much but I did think about a lot over the past few days. As irritated as I may get, I need to really try to stick around for as long as possible. I do need to finish my coursework.

Every weekend it feels like I am wasting it by sitting around. Well right now I am naked laying on the couch and I guess that's fine. I'd love to go to the beach or something today but he won't get up out of bed. He did earlier and I made french toast but I guess it has a drowsy effect on Asian people. The things I learn!

Wow, my lovely neighbors are at it again as always. Constantly screaming at each other and listening to their whiny brat cry... lovely. The wall from my place to the neighbors must be paper-thin because I can always hear them like they're in the other room.

Anyway, I am fine. I don't know what to say except that. So I'll go... enjoy your weekend.

Here. Again. And I'm a bit depressed. So depressed, in fact, that I'm using it as an excuse not to go to class. OK, I really didn't want to go to class anyway. But since this weekend, my partner and I have not spoken 3 words to each other.

The longer that I don't speak to him, the less I want to work this out. There are so many things I am disappointed with but I have to go back and ask myself if this is just going to be a reoccurring thing with any relationship that I'm in. I'd honestly hate to throw 8 years of this down the toilet but something needs done and it seems all the communication between us isn't going to help.

So, in contemplation, I have compiled a list of things that I wish I could have in a lover:

I wish...

...I had a lover who wasn't serious all the time, but knew when to be serious. I like to joke around a lot, sing opera at inappropriate times and talk to animals like they really can understand what I'm saying.
...I had someone who was adventurous. I'd like someone who isn't afraid to get their hands dirty, their feet dirty, experience new things and try new things.
...I had someone who would listen to me when I have problems and wouldn't turn around and tell me how foolish I am for thinking that way, that my thoughts have no meaning behind them instead of dealing with the problem.
...I had a lover who didn't prioritize work and money over all else and would take time to enjoy life without thinking how bad it will impact their financial situation.
...I had someone who didn't think I was incapable of taking care of myself and that I am constantly in this vegetative state.
...I felt loved and appreciated most of the time without feeling like I am a burden.
...someone who I was with liked to actually have sex at least once a week instead of once every 4 months.
...someone who would at least go out with me, get to know other couples and such.

Each of those things is a stab at my current partner. And unfortunately, it's how I feel. I'm sad most of the time because my emotional needs aren't being met and my sexual needs aren't being met. It's funny, I'm extremely pissed off about Sydney because, well, fuck myself if I don't want to move and I want to finish my schooling here. It's all about making $30k more a year so screw me and my thoughts. I'm about 95% sure this is why I am not wanting to talk with him. AGAIN, he put his career ahead of me and everything else. I'm sick and tired of that. Some people will do anything for money, and it's crazy that I am associating this with Chinese people in general. I know it's not always true, but this kind of thing steers me away from Asian people (men actually) in general.

I'd love to wake up one day and be ready to tackle the world instead of sitting here in bed bitching about my relationship. If I don't do it here, I don't know where I'd do it. No one around here will listen to me. I feel like this relationship is just about to end and if it does, I'll be heading back home to stay. I'd be happy to get back and get on with my life the way I should have done 10 years ago.

Alright, that's all folks. I'm not clinically depressed, just disappointed with how things are now. I'm disappointed with this situation I got myself in. :) But that's fine, I will be alright.

Yes, the internet has been out for the past few weeks. And it didn't matter what computer I used or what browser I used, I couldn't seem to post here. A lot of stuff has happened lately:

Clinicals are over
Yes, finally, they're over and after I wrapped the concept around my brain, I was fine. I had a very emotional first week due to my environment. I'll post that here later.

Moved? Moved.
I'm officially sleeping at my new place. Tensions are actually pretty high around here. I am so sick and tired of spending my whole weekend packing stuff from the old place and moving it here. All the shit goes in a box and it doesn't matter what it is. That's not my idea. It's all his. I'm ready to sell him on eBay.

So as I was saying, tensions are very high. It's like everything he does gets on my nerves. He bitches about everything like earlier he was saying how starving he was and how I never do anything, yet I went to class, sorted out 3 rooms and cooked. There is no pleasing some people.

Back to Sydney before 2008?
Yeah, he's talking about it. And you know what I'm refusing to do? Yeah, I can't move. I am very pissed about this because he will move whether I like it or not. So, another prime example of how he puts money over everything else. This will be the last straw. I'd like to stay and finish my nursing stuff. It will be hard to go back to the USA.

Thanksgiving is Coming
Next month is Thanksgiving and days after that it's my birthday! I need webhosting donations like crazy. So if you'd like to help out, you certainly can. And if you don't, then, okay, don't. No, really. Oh, then after that is Christmas.

I am doing Thanksgiving this year, all you Aussies. Maybe not on the day we do it in the US, but maybe on a weekend at my new place. I am going to have some vegetarian stuff, so don't be scared.

Aaaaand OK, that's all I want to say right now. I hope you enjoyed this.

Oh boy, it's Sunday and I slept 14 hours last night. I woke up around 40 minutes ago at 1:00 pm. I wanted to wake up early this morning to get used to getting up at 5 am. Tomorrow I have to wake up around 6 am since I don't have to be at the hospital until 9 am. I still don't know how I'm going to get there (but I will). I'm still contemplating whether this is something I really want to do but I might as well. I need to start looking at courses for radiology to see if that's what I want to do. Of course, nursing really isn't too bad. I just get to put up with less bullshit with radiology. But if I do that, I'm going back to the US. Sounds negative but I'm about 98% sure that the pay would be much better.

My broadband crisis is getting worse at time goes on. So, because of that I haven't been online with my instant messengers. I've noticed that when I use them it gets absolutely insane. My buddy lists/friend lists are so big that the software keeps checking with the servers to see what's going on. When, oh, when will I get unlimited broadband without paying out the nose for it? Not here in Australia.

In much lighter news, I have a new picture for you:

Beautiful, isn't it. That day I was sick and tired of taking "boring" photos so I said, here, take a picture of this. I sometimes sniff my armpit to see if I stink which I know for a fact that I don't. It usually happens after I walk by someone stinky. You know, just to make sure.

Lesson of Life Learned: Sometimes Asian people need to wear deodorant. I did have a friend who said he didn't need to wear it because he's Asian and I said, uh, no, you're WRONG! Wear deodorant. So, yeah, if you tell someone they need to, they most likely will.

As that's all for now. I will talk with you later! I'm being rushed offline because of the whole broadband shortage crisis. Bye for now.

Wow, I'm on a freakin' roll. (One like this) This is like one post a day for a while. Hooray for me.

Just a little while ago, I got super bored and started Googling my name like a maniac. I Googled my hometown and full name and didn't find anything. So, ha, there! How creepy would it be to find my name laying around somewhere like that? I started attempting to find people I have lost since high school but it didn't go very well.

AND I also have 400 MB of transfer to last me for another week. I'm not sure how that happened, no, wait, let's look at the graph shall we:

So what's that graph about? (I made it in Numbers, isn't it peachy?) Right now I get 4 GB of transfer for the broadband for $49.95 a month! I use 1 GB in like 1 day in Texas. That's why the internet doesn't suck in the US. Well, as bad... after I move it should move up to 25 GB which is much more manageable. Maybe I can go back to my nerdy, marginally-compulsive playing of World of Warcraft. Maybe not. (I'm not going to link that because if you don't know about it then you're living under a rock.)

And also what's fun is that Australian Customs found a ecstasy-stuffed Mr. Potato Head. How much fun is that? It gives a new meaning to full body cavity search. But I'm sure Doug would be excited. ;) *wink wink*

I think it's time for me to try to eat something or at least finish cleaning that fucking kitchen. It's like it never stays clean. I need to win the lottery so I can hire a freakin' maid.

Yeah, the last post was a bit mushy and sweet and I'm still feeling that way today. It's quite the different feeling. The big difference is that the snoring Chinese guy isn't here tonight. He had to go to the factory (for the company he works for) which is about 3-4 hours away from here. I won't see him until tomorrow. And what's more sad is that I do miss him. Who would have thunk it?

What probably brought this on is that I was going through a box of things that was stuffed in the closet. It had things in it from 2001 such as journals that I wrote regarding my relationship, lots of pictures, tons of letters, cards and stuff. I probably could count the number of times I wrote to him from the US on two hands over the past year. Oh and I found the "special photos" we took together, you know, back when we did that kind of thing.

Last night, I held him all night long. He was pretty much asleep 5 minutes after we went in there. Sometimes I am so envious that he can go to sleep so fast when it takes me about 30-60 minutes. I'd love just to flop my butt in bed and sleep, but oh well.

Since I've been back, he has really made a special effort to give me the attention that I begged for years ago. (He couldn't because of school and work) I really need to give him credit there. Had he not done so much, I would be gone so fast. And that's why I haven't booked a ticket out of here. So I stick around for as long as I can. Something tells me that I will indeed be here until the end of June next year.

I'm incredibly weirded out that these "feelings" that I have had bottled up for so long are leaking out. I really thought that I didn't have anymore of these things called "feelings" left but yeah, I'm shocked.

I'm actually pretty bored right now. The problem is that I don't want to do much of anything. But I am in the mood to send out some linky-love to Lissy at silvercpu.com. I haven't been keeping up like a good internet friend should!

OK, this sappiness is over. I'm still listening to the same sappy music. It's so sweet! So that's it. I was planning to post a photo or two but I won't get into that - and no, not the bad ones. :)

It's about 11:30 pm and I'm sitting here on the couch with a Chinese guy who's sleeping next to me. I've been grabbing his waist while he's sleeping lately. He hates it but it makes me laugh. Right now I am feeling a bit emotional for one reason or another. It's hard to decide what I need to do when one minute I want to stay and another I want to go. I usually get like this after I look at dachshund pictures. But I know in the last week I have said that I miss my dog 100 times. Everybody from home has to hear that all the time.

What makes me even more emotional is that I'm listening to "Bloom" by Casey Stratton. I've got this sleeping guy next to me (which, yeah, is my partner of 8 years) and it sorta sparks something in me where I want to put down this computer and cuddle up next to him or something.

As I have said before, this isn't an easy thing to do. My poor mind is an emotional mess and I need to give myself an outlet for it. I'm going to try to send my friend Ben some idea of what I'd like to do. I looked at a lot of the things I did and they're so angry. I mean downright pissed! I think I write a bit about the ex and how that just totally destroyed who I was. It took my very personality apart and some of it was lost. I gathered it up what I could, but I'm still a bitter, incomplete person.

I used to be a sweet, romantic guy. Over the years that has changed because so many people have really jaded my perspective of this world around me. I guess I had gotten so used to hearing what a horrible person I am, I started to believe it. Then I took that and started stamping myself with it...

I've been so reserved lately. No one really knows fully what I am thinking and I need to get it out into the air. I guess I could start that by snuggling up with the guy I've been in a relationship with for the past 8 years. You know, I think I will now though I'll wake him up. I have missed this side of me... I guess I should enjoy it while it's here.