September 2007 Archives

I'm here again and that means more reading material for all 10 of you people who actually read this. OK, I know there is more than that but apparently my stuff isn't worth commenting on. Maybe it's just too complicated? Yeah, that's it. Since I put in the TypeKey thing, no one has really said much of anything. It does cut down on all the crappy spam I have to deal with though so that's good. As long as you're reading, responding and enjoying, I am fine.

I feel okay right now. Not so okay at times because I realize that my practicals are next week. God I'm dreading that. I really should have paid attention to my classes. I think this week is a good time to review. I've been looking for any excuse I can possibly come up with to get out of it, like switch majors... again. No, I'm not going to do that. I'm just super nervous about it. That's all. I do miss my dog a lot. I dream about him every night as sad as that sounds. I really want another one. Honestly, I'd rather have my pissy attitude dog here but I'm not financially or mentally capable to put him in quarantine for as long as Australia wants me to. Plus, I'm sure he'd be so pissed if he had to travel with cargo. He's with my parents now so he's in good hands.

I still have my craving for pancakes (with blueberries). I meant to wake up earlier so I can go to Pancake Parlour but I went to sleep after 3 am (the latest in a loooooong time). My alarm went off at 5 am (because that's what time I have to wake up to be at the hospital at 7 am and I need to get used to getting up early.)

This place is a WRECK!!! I still haven't moved yet. The electrical company was supposed to turn on the electricity on Fri but didn't do it. They did turn on the gas though - go figure.

I'm gonna go now... good luck with October. :)

She says: Attention, everyone! Look at me, look at me, look at me!!! I have a Macbook and I'm the coolest person in the world! Boo-hoo, waaaaaah! Life isn't worth living! Where is my Elmo backpack? Everybody hates me! Waaaah, look at me! My soul is black like the darkest corner of my closet. I'm a lesbian. I'm bisexual, no, I'm straight. Someone give me some black lipstick. Waaaah, you don't understand me. Look at me!!! Oh, but aren't all my scratches so cool?

I hoped everybody liked the "Big Wheel" video. I did.

It's another day where I am just sitting here doing nothing much. I swore that I woke up around 10:30 am. That's what my phone said when I picked it up. But then I started doing my thing, looked at my clock and it was 10:10 am. And I had been up for about an hour by then. This is just another reason why I think crazy things are happening around here. Or maybe I am just crazy. One of the two, it works just fine for me.

Yesterday and today I've been listening to more Casey Stratton's music than usual. I posted on my MySpace blog that I was listening to Peaches which, yeah, it's true too. (And if you haven't watched this courtesy of YouTube, you should.)

Anyway, going back to Casey Stratton, I downloaded "Wild Soul (Orchestral Version)" from his website. It's actually really nice. I wanted to buy his newest, unreleased until now album The Winter Children. Yeah, yeah, yeah, this sounds like a promotional thing but it's not really. I do admit that listening to it is making me an emotional mess. And now it's time for me to reflect on life...

No one needs to ask me if I'm a good boyfriend. People who have read those stupid little MySpace surveys that I occasionally do that I don't feel like I'm a good one. Because, I'm really not. There comes times in every relationship where you feel like you wish the other person would fall off the face of the planet (and still live, of course) Maybe that's just the meanness in me. I've gotten to the point in my relationship where I just don't really care anymore. Is this because I have found someone else or have someone else in mind? No, it's really not. It's not even due to the fact that I feel like I have an Asian parent most of the time.

Things get to that point at times and sometimes they are repairable. Is it? Yeah. But then the cycle begins again where you despite someone for no good reason. He kept asking me yesterday if I was excited about the new house and I'm really not. I just don't care. Later, we went there and noticed the lights were off and just looked at everything with the light of our cell phones. He was trying to kiss me and I just wasn't having any of that. Same thing happened last night before he went to sleep. Same thing happened this morning. I had been mentally "preparing" myself not to care about anything. It's quite sad. When I did threaten to leave, he was crying. I didn't. He tells me he loves me and I usually just shrug it off.

Don't get me wrong, love is there but it just doesn't come out. I think I am just tired of the struggling and pain. And I am not sure how much longer I can deal with this. I might make it to December and I might not. I am not sure just yet.

Anyway, I think I'll go now. I probably rambled because I've been at this for about an hour now. I'm not really sure how I am feeling at the moment. Anybody's guess is as good as mine.

Okay, it's not an "official" video but it is creative. And what is creative is good:

I heart Tori Amos

Last night I mostly dreamed about my family. I think that has something to do with the email I got from my sister. She told me that my nephew was in the 7th grade now and playing football. I was a bit shocked about that. Time sure does fly and then after I read it, I realized that I am not the best uncle I can possibly be. I'm not really sure what I can do from here but it really makes me sad that I'm not there. It's one of the reasons why I did want to stay. My nephews growing up way too fast and I am not there to experience it. It's even more scary because I don't know when or if I'll have children of my own.

I dreamt about my realization that I'm missing out on a lot. And in my dreams I started crying but then I woke up very depressed. I keep missing my family and friends and I'd be so tempted to go back but then I leave people here behind. It's not very convenient at all because one way or another I'll be dealing with some form of sadness. So I don't really know...

Maybe I just have too much time to think - and maybe it's because I'm unemployed and not making any contribution to society. Hmmm...

And my sister needs someone to talk to. It's hard when I'm 15 hours into the future and across the world.

Some lighter news, I took some photos of my bathroom. I should get them off my camera. But I haven't. They're fun pictures, not something serious. I have a habit of taking the plastic label off the coke bottles and sticking them in the shower. They've been there for months!

That's it for me. I have a bit of a headache lately for some reason. Go figure. :) Bye now folks.

I think I've straightened up since the last post I've done here.  God, being away from your original home does some pretty awful things to you.  Really, it does.  Ideally, I would love to be back in the USA but it's not really the smartest option right now.  Honestly, I am actually scared to death of doing my practicals.  I've heard and witnessed some really horrible things here in the medical field in Australia.  I used to actually like the idea of having socialized (universal) health care.  (Don't know what it is?  Click here.)

But what you get is nurses and other medical staff that is way overworked and way underpaid.  At least in the US, a nurse would make a decent amount of money.  Here, I think I could make more working where I worked before I left for here.  The sad thing is that I can't go back to that job anymore.  It doesn't really exist anymore.

But as I was saying, it isn't looking pretty.  In some ways I think the technology here lacks behind the US and my instructors have actually said that.  I remember one saying that finding a pillow in a hospital is like finding "hen's teeth."  Then she turned around, faced me and said "In the US, you don't have that problem.  They have everything."  How scary is that?

I do love people.  And if you, the person reading this, was sick, I'd most likely do whatever it took to nurse you back to health whether I knew you or not.  Well, that's a good thing because that is sorta what nurses have to do.  And that's fine.  Here, I tell people that I am doing nursing and it automatically comes to my career revolving around wiping asses all day.  So much more is involved but people in Australia don't understand that.  You know, unless they've been a patient or they're a nurse themselves. 

So I am a little scared to do my practicals.  Sometimes I sit back and think that I should have just stayed in the US to do this.  I feel like my education would be better but of course I started here so I might as well finish, you know?  I feel a bit "weird" taking care of Australians when people in my country could easily use my skills as well.  I'm sure one day I'll go to work in the USA though and make roughly 2-3 times as much.

That is the reason for me finding any problem I possibly can with my partner.  I actually told him that on Friday.  I told him I am so nerve-racked about it.  So he started talking to me about it and don't think he focused on the ass wiping... he always does.  And I tell him "I wipe my own ass, how is it any different?"  Honestly... how is it different?  OK, a little bit but it still needs done.

That's my post about nursing and my initial thoughts.  I hope you're enjoying this. :)  Go out and appreciate a nurse today. :)

Blogged with Flock

Tags: nursing, appreciation, practicals, usa, australia, universal health care

Alright, so one day things are one way and the next they're another. One day I like myself and the next I don't. OK, so this isn't about me. That's fine. I don't care. Yes it sounds negative.

Well, for one thing, I woke up late this morning. But not late enough to cause myself any harm at all, may I add. I woke up about 20 minutes later than I really would like to. I woke up, checked my email, checked the weather, did my clicky-clicky thing on EmailCash and behold, the anti-Christ gets out of bed and starts bitching up a storm that I "can't leave the Internet alone for 10 minutes." Of course I said that it was only 5 minutes that I had been doing that and as usual I was wrong. Apparently, I am not supposed to check the weather on the 'net.

Some things I can see why he'd be so upset, but things like this... I can't understand for the life of me. And I deal with this about 2-4 days per week. I don't know whether it's that he wants the attention or just control every single aspect of my life.

I don't study enough. I spend too much time on the internet. I don't eat lunch enough. I never eat breakfast. I don't drink enough water. I waste too much time. I don't clean the bathroom good enough. I don't do my paperwork on time. I don't work enough. I don't spend much time at school. The list goes on and on...

I need some kind of support here and I'm getting none!

That is all.

I'm sitting here at home watching Oprah.  Yeah, I know... sad, isn't it?  And yeah, I'm being really lazy for the past five days.  Ignore the fact that I have an exam tomorrow and Thursday.

The main reason why I even mention that I'm watching Oprah is because it's about Jim McGreevy and his coming out as gay.  Yeah, I think the show was made about a year ago.  (Or I think it may have happened a year ago, maybe 2005?)  Well anyway, the guy was the governor of New Jersey and he's on the show talking about himself.

I used to feel no compassion for people who would get married, have kids and then say "Honey, I'm gay.  I have known that I'm gay since before we got married..."  I've grown up since then.  I still don't feel like it's an "ideal" thing to do, but sometimes life can't be planned the way that we want.  Especially when it comes down to hurting the people you love.  Some people are always so busy to make other people happy.

As I watch this, I am a bit disgusted.  No, no, no, two men together is a sweet, sweet thing.  Two women together is a sweet, sweet thing.  Even two people (a man and woman) is great and even two men and two women is sweet... you get my drift, if that kind of thing floats your boat.  I'm disgusted because my relationship has been stagnant over the past few years.  (New readers, I've been in my relationship over seven years now.)  I sense absolutely no romance whatsoever and it's so sad. 

People have told me this, and I believe this myself:  My partner and I don't "appear" to even be in a loving relationship.  True.  We don't and I'm a bit sad about it.  We do things as a couple, but usually that just going shopping for food and furniture.  We don't do much as a couple outside the house.  We don't go to parties together (and I've been rejected for this before) or go to any kind of social gathering with gay people.  I was told that we were going to work closely with The Gay and Lesbian Task Force of Australia (for immigration).  We haven't done that.  I was told that we were going to sign the relationship register with Melbourne.  We haven't done that either. You would think that after seven years, he'd want to do this, but no.  He hasn't said he won't do it, but he just has no sense of urgency.  Those two problems have me questioning the integrity of my relationship.

So I have been thinking about returning to the USA in December.  My partner doesn't really know it just yet.  I think he has been sensing it though because he has been checking with companies in the USA to work with.  But I know that if we head to the USA, our relationship will hit more hurdles due to the US's refusal to accept that same-sex relationships are formed between two countries.  And I have no idea when the government will step away from the church and step into the realization that same-sex couples DO exist.

I do miss romance and it's horrible that I find that romance with other people (even if they don't realize it!).  My sex life is pretty much non-existent.  And that isn't any fun.  No fun at all.  So I got to the point where I just don't expect it.  I don't expect much of anything anymore.  So yeah, you folks heard it here first... but... I think I've said that before with no sympathy.  Yeah, I don't need any! :)

I was talking to a friend yesterday about this and he thought I sounded a bit depressed about it but really I'm OK.  I'm a bit okay with it, actually.  Things could always be worse.  He could be just like an Asian parent.  Oh wait, he is!  Then hmm, he could always beat me or something.  And he doesn't.  I did have to tell him the other day to "lighten the fuck up".  Always so serious all the time and I'm not!

Well that's it.  I need to study!  I hope you all are doing peachy.

Blogged with Flock

Tags: relationships, love, romance, immigration, gay, same-sex, international, interracial

Ah, finally the weekend is here. I'll be the first to say "I needed that." I really do but for some reason I have a craving for dijon mustard. I always loved those Lunchables with dijon mustard for some reason. I even have some here and some American mustard. I'm also a bit hungry for cocktail weenies with grape jelly and mustard. Sounds like a weird combination, but hey, it's pretty damn good.

I'm still not over my craving for Mexican food either. It does exist here, but I'm really afraid to try any of it just to be disappointed. I'm about to get to the point where I don't really care.

I'm also starving for a home-made hamburger. I get enough of the fries, I just want a good burger. The one I had from Hungry Jack's (aka Burger King) last night didn't cut it. But hell it was a good deal for a burger, fries, drink and ice cream stuff for $4.95. I don't even think the US could top that with their $0.99 double cheeseburgers that are soaked in grease from McDonald's.

(Oh and on that note, I had a veggie burger the other day and it was pretty good. I was shocked.)

And oh jesus, I am starving for pancakes. No one wants to cook me any or buy me any though. They're not pancake fiends like I am. And how freakin' good does this look:

And a pancake isn't good unless it has Ms. Butterworth's syrup on it... and unfortunately if I want it here I have to pay about $15 for it.

I think when it comes down to it, I am really starving for some American food. I could have a bit here if I wanted to pay out the nose for it. And yeah that is where I go to get a lot of the stuff I crave like grape jelly. They have a monopoly on US food so whatever they charge, I have to pay that price.

So yeah, I'm starving for that. Maybe I need to get out a little more often and get something that's good for me. :)

Alright that's it - I have to be somewhat productive this week since I have 2 final exams this week and an assignment due. I'll catch you people later.

Why is it that right at this moment, my batteries in just about everything is low? Recharge it, you say? HA! If it were only that easy!

For some strange reason, my cell phone battery wants to bite the dust. One minute it says it's 100% full, 5 minutes later, it's at 25% and 5 minutes after that, the damn thing turns off by itself. My iPod battery pisses me off too. It goes down if you even look at it. The battery on the other computer drains itself if you even think about using it. This battery gives me issues too.

Now that I think about it, a lot of weird stuff is happening lately. I don't know if there are just that many electrical problems here or not but the damned printer likes to turn on around 10 pm every night. I came home around 2 and it was going psycho. Lights tend to flicker sometimes... it's pretty creepy.

I don't mean to freak anybody out (or even myself!) but I've heard that ghosts are around when things like that happen. And I did have a time in my life when about 3 or 4 light bulbs burnt out the same night. I just played with a Ouija board for the first time. I didn't sleep very well that night, needless to day.

But that is pretty creepy, isn't it? Sure, you can think I have electrical problems but let's make it exciting! :)

--- OK I'm back - I was watching some videos at YouTube about the Ouija boards. Not as creepy as I remember it though. But still it screwed with my head!

Anyway, on this lovely, lovely note, I'm off to bed. Class tomorrow. Fun. Bye now.

So tonight marks the night that I'm off to see Tori Amos in concert. I'm pretty excited about it. I haven't been to a concert before like this, but I have always wanted to see her live and never thought I would get to. My friend Adrian and I are going together. We're both really big Tori fans. I was going to try to get there a bit early so I can see if she was gonna do a meet & greet. I really shouldn't because I have a final exam tomorrow. But I really think that it's a no brainer so I should be able to do it.

I was going to find a video of her performance last night on Rove Live but I guess no one's posted it yet at YouTube.

Dreams

Last night I had a peculiar dream about going to class. I had a dream that I was pouring myself alcoholic drinks in class. One of my classmates (and friend) pretty much was disgusted with me so I was sitting at a table by myself with this Midori stuff and something else. Full glasses. I got up to do something and saw he was sitting with someone else and no one was impressed with me. So I kinda had my feelings hurt in the dream world. I poured them out and the teacher asked what I was doing and I told her I didn't need to be drinking in class anyway. The teacher was actually writing spelling words all over the wall and some of the words that I remember were viera and trombonestaff. (The writing was MESSY.) After that, three girls rushed in and told me that there was this woman going up stairs that couldn't move. So I rushed there and she had scars/scabs all over her face. It was like she had a bad case of chickenpox. Oh and the railing had hair growing out of it. She started telling me that she's mad she can't move very well and she took care of burn victims in her house for years but now she can't do it because she can't move. Of course I felt sorry for her and cried in my dream... then I woke up. I'm sure all this happened like in 5 minutes before I woke up. I'm sure it has something to do with me getting pissed drunk the other night. I'm still tired though but can't really go to sleep!

Website Junk
Hey, if you would be so kind, can you take this survey about my website? I'd appreciate it. It's basically giving me an idea on how to improve my website.

I also set up a new chatroom that I thought was pretty cool. I will be transitioning away from the 1 to 1 IM system and using the chatroom instead since it handles both. I sort of decided to go ahead and fix up what I have now instead of re-designing. :)

My mailing address is changing for those who are interested. Send me an IM or email if you want it.

And of course...

That's it for me. I hope that all of you have a good week. As all of us know, Sept 11 is tomorrow and a lot of us were affected. It's a damn shame things like that happen. The pain surrounding New York will not go away for a long time. I wish my friends in New York City a peaceful day and lots of love!

AND please don't let a group of thoughtless, selfish and horrible people change your overall outlook on these people. 9/11 isn't a day to bring hateful thoughts towards a certain group of people, it's to remember and accept that "shit happens" and some people are just shitty in general. Regardless of religious beliefs, color, race, sexual orientation and gender, people are people. There are always a few bad grapes in the bunch.

Oh yes, and tomorrow is also Kristie's birthday and my sister's anniversary. So I hope you all have a decent one! :)

Well this is what has been going on. I skipped class Thursday because I was lazy. I don't really like going to my anatomy class. It's so boring and I end up getting home around 5 pm which really sucks. So I skipped that and sat on my butt all day.

Friday, I had to do some running around to about 3 different banks and such, so my classmates (2 of them) went to the city, out to lunch at my favorite chinese place, then came back here and got really, really drunk. It was really fun. They were really shocked how I get when I'm drunk. I DID keep my composure though. But it was really, really fun. I drank a lot but not as much as I can. I didn't want to embarrass myself too much.

And of course today I had a bit of a hangover. But that's OK. Gilbert woke up thinking he wanted to go have a bbq so that's what we did... at 6 pm when it was dark outside, but he was really excited and really happy to go so I went with him. He's being really sweet to me today for some reason. Right now he's asleep on the couch and just "resting his eyes".

Anyway, there isn't much to say except this. I had planned to say some more stuff in detail but that's now how things are working out. I'm sooo tired right now. And I'm full and tired. :) So goodnight folks.

I found that a few people here have a bit of a shitty attitude when it comes to doing things. I remember asking my friend if he wanted me to come by because it's been a while since I've seen him. Well, it honestly seemed that it wouldn't really matter if I dropped off the face of the Earth at that moment or not. Want to know why? Because someone else could have been better company...

Things like that piss me off but not only that, they really upset me. I hate when I put in so much care what happens to people when in turn they couldn't give a flying fuck. But I guess that is life. I guess people aren't always going to appreciate what a good friend I am. Their loss.

Of course, this is directed at someone. It actually has its sights set on this one individual here*. Of course, I don't really expect him to give a rat's ass if I get my feelings hurt or not. One-sided friendships (or whatever it is to him) isn't healthy.

It seems like there are quite a few people here who only appear when they think I can do something for them now that I think about it.

I am a little upset that some of the people that I know here who I think very dear thoughts about sorta just disappear. It makes me think that I have done something wrong and sometimes, yes, I have. But I need to know about it.

Being so far away from home and feeling like the people you know here are drifting away is extremely hard for me. I guess it's because in a few ways I do feel lonely at times. But such is life...

Honestly I do feel OK at the moment. I'm just a little upset over the recent fallout I've had with certain people. I'm confused is all.

That's it for now. I probably haven't made much sense but that shouldn't surprise you too much. Oh and because I'm such a sweet guy:

It's another day and here's another weblog entry. I was in the shower today (yes, I bathe) and started thinking just how difficult it is to get to my weblog from my website. Due to some issues, I had to move things around and I guess I didn't finish. So within the next month, I will be doing a bit of house keeping on my website and really, really, really need to start some work on Roentarre.com. But yeah, going back to the weblog, has anybody even attempted to leave a comment? Honestly, I don't care that no one has for months or not, but I wonder if it's even possible. I do know that I made registration compulsary.

Good news is that I have actually started on a new re-design. It's way overdue. It's still based on the picture at my beta preview but a few changes have taken place since then.

So I am saying, look forward to a few changes:

• New Design
• Better interaction: new contact options
• Better colors: your choice of blue or red (and later green and a few others)
• Better pictures: more pictures of people, places and um, things
• A webcam that is actually updated

OK, honestly I just wanted to put something in a list. But yeah, you get the idea. I'm not nerdy enough to actually "name" the new look, but hey, it's coming.

It's Monday and next week marks the day that I go to my Tori Amos concert. And I'm pretty damn excited.

It's a good thing I have a place to throw my thoughts on. I think sometimes I would explode because there are things that I don't really want to tell anybody at all. I think I am finally putting the cards on the table about whether I'm going to stick around in Australia or not. I've been thinking about this for about three months already. Is it because of a relationship gone wrong? No. I wouldn't point the finger at that.

I find that I am a complicated human being. And feelings are surfacing. A lot of people who know me think that I'm not capable of having these things called "feelings" but they're coming in fast and furious. In an attempt to rekindle some of those romantic feelings I have lost over the years, I have been listening to music. I realize just how hard it is not to be able to just sit down and make music like I used to. And that upsets me. Sure, I have just sat down for an hour putting together some really irritating sounds together to pester Brandi. I miss my own music a bit. But something tells me I'm not capable anymore.

Of course I just finished a mix of Justin Timberlake's "I Think She Knows Interlude". Yeah, I am losing my mind. I thought it would sound nicer with more strings. Dramatic. (OK, there was a 2 hour gap between the last paragraph and this one.)

Have any of you guys listened to Casey Stratton? You should. I'm listening to him now. Really good stuff. He matches my tastes in white guys. Very cute. Handsome even. I loved his "Blood" remixes. You'd know it's him if you've been to a club in the past five years. But his new stuff is nice too.

God my body aches... I don't know why. I hurt. I'm gonna go. Bye now.