August 2007 Archives
I think today emphasizes that I really need to try to get along with people. Sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes there are people who I would punch in the mouth if I could and that person was my clinical lab partner today. I am feeling very irritated and bitchy at the moment. I can't stand when someone is hovering over you telling you to hurry up and everything they do is right. It totally pisses me off.
I think that is one of the characteristics of being arrogant. And there is nothing more I hate than arrogance. I found that in my ex, and I surely don't want to put up with that now. If I did, I'd still be with the same person... and I'm not!
I hate people sometimes and in my profession, that isn't good. It's not good at all.
So I am finished bitching now. I'm gonna go.
This one is interesting:
"Your data suggest a moderate automatic preference for Straight People compared to Gay People."
Perhaps my view of gay men is a little jaded because of the numerous assholes I meet who are after one thing and one thing only. But of course, I'd say about half of my friends are gay and half are straight. I found this interesting.
I found it was hard to sort "gay and good" together and "straight and bad" together. When it was the other way around (gay/bad and straight/good) I was a lot faster sorting the two.
Oh well, I'm still gay. Still like men. Nothing has changed.
"Your data suggest a strong association of European American with American and Asian American with Foreign compared to Asian American with American and European American with Foreign."
"Your data suggest a strong association of Black Americans with Weapons compared to White Americans."
"Your data suggest little to no automatic preference between Fat People and Thin People."
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A bit shocking isn't it? I could sit here and type all these excuses why some of my results came out the way they did but really, there's nothing to say because this is how my brain works.
A lot of it has to do with the media, I do admit. In so many television series, black men are shown as "the bad guys". And in the US, when you look at the news, you do see a lot of negative energy towards African-Americans. It's sad, really.
I also grew up in a town of a vast majority of whites. (How boring, I know.) So that might have something to do with it.
As far as not really classifying Asian Americans and European Americans together, I think that is how a majority of the "European Americans" think in general. To me, it shows that I am shallow-minded to think that Asians aren't "American enough" when I know that it's not true.
But I am going to admit to you that I have been one to ask where someone is "from" when they're Asian and when they say they were born in the US it was like my own mental shock. Years ago, I think it would have been worse, but sadly, "strong" is the highest I can go.
What did shock me a bit was about the thin vs. fat. I thought that my mind would have sided with the thin people. Why? Because I am thin (or thin enough). I guess it doesn't matter really. It shows that I'm a little bit tolerant in that regard.
Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you guys. I hope you enjoyed. If you're interested, you can go to Project Implicit at Harvard University and take the test or tests. Let me know your results. :)
Wow, I'm definitely on a roll lately. I've revealed those things called "feelings" that I thought I didn't have anymore in the last two so I thought it was time for a little change. But, honestly, I still have things sitting on the back of my mind about love and life.
I'm sitting here at "home" on the couch yawning my face off because I woke up around 4 am. I think stress is stressing my stomach out a lot. I remember when I first got here I had an upset stomach everyday for about three days and wondered when it would go away. It finally did but I don't remember when.
I did tell Gilbert that I want a dog for some companionship. Someone who won't argue with me on the weekends and someone who will happy with just the simplest things. (Of course I have to call a dog a "someone", what are you saying?!) I looked at pictures today of dachshunds and realized just how much I miss my weenie dog. My decision to stay or go is really influenced a lot by that. Isn't that sad?
I get a bit sad thinking that my dog's growing old while I'm away. I already had one dog die from old age (about 18-20 years old) and I don't want that to happen to the one I have now. Death is a really traumatic thing, I'm afraid. My life is going to be filled with it unfortunately.
Gilbert's wanting me to find a dog/puppy from RSPCA which would be a good option. But I have my heart set on another dachshund. No one just gets rid of dachshunds.
Anyway, it's time for me to head to bed because I don't want to pull another early morning tomorrow... OK, earlier than I have to.
Wow, I thought it was going to take me forever to post this. I'm at school and the computers' connection is really super slow. Anyway, I seem to think way too much. Unfortunately, that's not a good thing at all.
As I've said before, things here are hard but I think a majority of my problems are due to homesickness. I tend to think that there is always going to be someone around to take care of my every emotional need when, really, there isn't. When I realize that someone can't be around 100% of the time, I get a bit upset.
In several ways, I do feel like I have another parent. I do think it's a cultural thing, or hell maybe I am just making excuses. You people have no idea how much I want to accomplish something here before I go back. Things are a bit strange between us, but hey, every relationship has issues. I have enough for the two of us, and you even. How's that?
I guess it's time to grow up. I really, really don't want to go back with absolutely nothing. And I can't believe that I put myself through all of this to do it. I know that if I don't do it, I'll be kicking myself in the head over and over again... and when I do that, I will end up right back here in Australia.
And even if I do leave now, then I'm going to be putting myself into some serious debt. So let's try to make it work. I wish my relationship would seem more like a relationship where the two of us are equals. That's really not his fault or his doing, that's mine. It's mine because even now I am not working and being really lax with my schoolwork. Laziness. Anybody who knows me knows how lazy I can get!
I also feel, in a way, that I have been a bit abandoned. I feel like people have just left me to die over here and you know something, that's not true. NOW I just have to make myself believe that. Can I? Probably not. I wish that I could keep in better contact with people but I can't. The 15 hour difference makes it just about impossible. And plus, I don't get back home until midnight to two AM for the people in Texas.
I miss so much, but I feel the need to be strong. I miss my parents, my family, my friends, my Wii, my WoW account, and so much more. I feel guilty because I'm not around for my nephews... something that I never intended to do. And I swear, if I could, I'd bring them here. I miss my sister's nastiness/meanness to make me laugh. And of course, I miss my dog. I think if I got one here I'd be fine. And of course, I have already decided what I want. I want another dachshund and name it Katie-Lynn... or Kate for short. Kate would hate me for that. But I think it's a cute dog name. Such a shame she's only a cat person (that I know of). And, another important one, I miss summer damn it!
So we see I'm frustrated without my Wii to play with. (Yeah, you can make all your jokes now... it's OK)
Oh, and I'll be moving next month to the house I showed you pictures of. I'll be renting out the Bentleigh property or if things get too hard, I will have it sold. I have already talked to some real estate agents and they're saying to sell it. Probably because they'll get a good chunk for it. It's already going to sell (hypothetically) for about $60,000 more. It's a good time to own property in Australia. No, wait, it's not "really" mine. ;) And that's OK - I just have to take care of all the real estate garbage.
I could go ahead and give everybody the impression that everything's going well. I could say that my life here is perfect and absolutely everything is going my way when I know that it isn't. Everybody knows the main reason why I came here. Everybody in Texas, I'm sure, was tired of listening to me explain time after time why it was so important for me to pack up and leave. And at the time, I thought it was a good thing to do.
Every weekend it's the same. Every weekend is ruined because of the constant arguing, fighting, guilt trips and silent treatments. Weekends suck for me. I try to find any reason I possibly can to get the hell out of my here. I get to the point where I can't even call this place home anymore. I don't want to call it home.
So, here I am in a relationship that has been stale for years now and one that I have strung along for convenience (so I wouldn't have to shop the market anymore). I keep thinking that this person is the best person for me when I know for a fact that he's not. And it makes me absolutely miserable. I am just about to throw in the towel, say "Fuck it" and head right back to the USA for good. I wish I would have done this months ago when I was seriously thinking about it.
Joy isn't about being in a relationship. I just can't be happy here. And I know that because I'm not even comfortable in my own skin. I am disgusted that I continue this life of self-masochism. I'm still bleeding after years of putting up with someone who I know never will accept me for who I am. I long for someone who will actuallly "listen" to me and understand the way I feel. I need someone who won't stop listening the first second I have an opinion about something. And of course, when I have a concern, I am said to be victimizing myself.
In several ways, I can see my flaws. Honestly, there is absolutely no reason why someone needs to point out and laugh at every one of them at every opportunity. I guess what I need is someone who will think on my level or at least someone who can sit back and enjoy life for what it is and not some competition on how much money I get and how much assets I can gain. If that is a sign of success, I don't want to be any part of it because it drags me down. Those who drag me down are keeping me from accomplishing goals I have set within myself; it's not something I go around telling anybody either.
The last thing I need is for someone to tell me "I told you so." Something like that would totally kill me because in the back of my head, I knew it was right, yet I ignored it. I hate myself for that. I opened my eyes, ears and brain and realized that I'm not so special after all, but just someone who can't make his partner happy. And no matter how much I try, it will never happen.
And I'm okay with that - as long as it relieves the stress, that's okay. I need to breathe again.
Blogged with Flock
Sometimes I just want to write. What do I write about? I write about writing. OK, crappy introduction.. I'll admit it.
For an update, things are going well. School's going well. My relationship is going decently. It really is and I could bore you with all the details but I won't. Gilbert and I took a much-needed vacation last weekend to Newcastle. And if you really wanted to, you could go here for a few select pictures. (You'll notice that they're not on my site just yet, but at my Picasa Web Album instead... and that's OK.)
So yes, that is what we were up to. It was really nice to be able to see a bit of Australia but at the same time, I felt like I could go back "home" after I'm done. Which, really, that is what I would be doing but I mean home as in the USA kind of home. I realize that it will be more than 9 more months before I can even think about going back. And even then, I still have to return here to finish my studying. It's quite frustrating!
I do get homesick but it's not as bad as it was a few months ago. Homesickness sucks. Especially when you can't just jump on an airplane and be back home in one day. And it's extremely expensive too. Way too expensive. I have to keep my credit card low just for that reason... in case I NEED to go home. And I'm not saying I will soon!
In several ways, it's not smart for me to go back to Texas mostly because the job shopping would start again. It used to be easy where I knew that when I got back I had a job. Now it's not that easy. And I definitely do not want to go back just to work in calling centers. So it's important that I get my RN stuff out of the way. I'm not "bored" with it, but my heart isn't in it either. Rules and regulations here in Australia are just crazy! Of course 95% of it is just common sense. I'm more frustrated by the crappy pay. I need money really bad!!!
No, really bad... seriously.
Anyway, I need to go to the city tonight with a friend of mine for some Indian food. So I should go. Everybody have an awesome weekend.
Blogged with Flock
Alright, things are finally fixed after two weeks. I apologize for the whole mess I made updating some software. I've been known to totally screw these things up. So sorry about that!
Now that's out of the way, I'd like to restate that comments on my weblog are still off due to some issues with errors showing up while posting as well as people with no real job. That would include the people who spam weblogs like these hoping that someone will buy their worthless crap. :)
My BETA preview has been stalled for the time being due to time management issues. I will be working on the site at roentarre.com very soon to make a few quirks and changes.
I am going to make a point to update this website more often (as time permits, of course!) Please stay tuned and please answer some of the poll questions - I'd appreciate it.
Money is tight right now. VERY tight. But I'll whine... I mean... blog about that later. :)
Until next time, visit my weblog and read up.
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