February 2007 Archives

G'day to ya. I've been slacking off quite a bit on my weblogs lately but I just wanted to let you all know that I am alive. Well, of course I'm alive but am I sane? Who knows. My last talk on ghosts might have scared a few people away.

Jesus Christ, the spam I get on here is crazy. My filters are kicked into high gear and I'm a little afraid that good comments are being filtered out. I'd love to put in some image verification things but I'm way too lazy to do that so I guess I'll deal for now.

It's getting hard to realize that I have about 2 months left here in the USA. That isn't good news for me as far as finances go. I guess I keep underestimating time and such. I'm getting a bit antsy because there are things that should be done and well, of course, they're not. I'm right on track to miss some more deadlines so I'll have to wait even longer to get back to Australia. But, really, I am just focusing on the negatives. I still have a month to get my planning in order...

You see, I am a person that likes to get my planning over with so I can move on to other things. It drives me insane to leave things to the very last minute. My other half doesn't see the logic in that. I want things to go my way but I understand they can't always go my way. My constant planning doesn't include an option of failure. That is my downfall. My dad has always told me: "Proper planning prevents poor performance." (Or what we call the 5 P's. If it were 6, I'd get to throw the word penis in there.)

So I don't really have any news regarding my leaving yet. I am trying to pinpoint a date that I will be going but that's a bit difficult to do. I have told my husband that I'd like to arrive about 2-4 weeks early because he is buying the last leg of my trip back (the Los Angeles/San Francisco to Melbourne flight). Until I have that, it's a bit pointless for me to buy the other part of the trip.

But it is exciting to get back. That is what is filling my head right now. I'm a bit nervous (because I hate flying) and a bit excited (because I miss my man). I guess I should leave now - and go to bed because there is a very full workday ahead of me tomorrow. (8 am until midnight) Goodnight to you all.

A few things have changed since my last website news update and well, here they are:

- idioPod.com and idiologic.com are now fully merged (just not very well).
- Voicemail number has changed to 775-363-5365. This number is linked to my Gizmo Project software.
- New small linking button. Click here to get a button.
- New Podcast Artwork.

There are a few other things coming soon but I don't want to make any announcement now and it not happen. This week sometime, I will be cleaning up code. Some stuff may not work correctly, and if it doesn't, please let me know.

Hi everybody. I noticed that I haven't updated my weblog in a while and I thought now is a good time to do it.

Today, I brought a friend to go see the Saratoga Light. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the right road. And it was like 4 in the afternoon too. I wanted to show him something new and a bit of history about the area. If any of you didn't know, it's basically a ghost's lantern. The ghost is a railroad worker who had his head chopped off a long time ago.

Funny thing is that I saw the light. You'd think that it was some douchebag with a flashlight (a very bright one) but no one was on the road at all. It was like a Tuesday night so people weren't around. When we'd stop the car, we'd hear voices of some sort too. And the inside of the car would get a bit... stale and cold I guess you could say.

I love hearing about ghosts. I love to be there to experience it too. But today, there wasn't anything special... well mostly b/c I couldn't find Bragg Road. But the trip is always fun.

I have been trying to talk to Brandi about doing a podcast episode on this kind of thing.

So yes, true story above. And more true stories are to follow. I have more to say but I'm going to stop it here.

Yes, I said no more updates until March but I've updated anyway. Sorry for the wait.

This short podcast pretty much deals with the short-term plans of my website, my schooling plans and leaving in the next 2.5 months. I have had to edit out about 20-40 "umms" in it. I need to consciously remind myself not to say that so much! But how?

I had actually thought about throwing in the towel, but these guys renewed my interest in such a simple way. They don't get mentioned in my podcast, but they definitely deserve credit.

idioPod 5: Planning Central

Anyway, hope it's at least one of the most amusing 15 minute periods of your day.

Good day to you folks. How are you?

Now that's over with, I thought that I'd drop a few lines here to say hello. Not much more than that. My hangover is finally over with. It was one of the worst ones I've had in a long time. Maybe a new goal of mine is to stop drinking alcohol in unreasonable amounts. One day I'll learn.

Things in my life are beginning to calm down but I feel, as time goes on, like I'm getting unhappier and unhappier. The fact that one of my cousins is getting married still bothers me to a big point. I'd love to say that it's because that was supposed to happen to me first, but I guess it hasn't. Of course I feel like I broke the 'tradition' of getting married by the time I'm 20 years old. Oh yeah, and have had like a kid or two. (And no hard feelings, little sister... just observations, yeah?)

But I also have to say that I took a risk and went on these wonderful trips around the world. I've lived in different places, learned about new cultures, people and saw some really wonderful things. I sorta squandered my life away doing that for the most part, but hey.

Things would be so much easier if I were straight but I'm not giving up on the love of my life on any false hopes of being "normal". Not at all. I live outside the term "normal". And I like it here. Some people call it a fantasy world but I call it my reality.

As I said earlier, I feel unhappy because I don't think I've done much. Though I have these thousands of things that are telling me that I have, I feel like nothing I have done is ever finished. I think that's probably from a lack of proper planning on my part. I had no idea what I wanted to be from the get-go. I have a plan in my mind, but something tells me it won't be as easy as I thought it will be. And going back to where I say nothing I've done is finished... take a look around. My website, for example. Is my podcast in good shape now? No. Is my website EVER finished? No, it's not. I'm sure if you look around you'll find stuff that says - this isn't available yet.

Sorta negative, don't you think? I'm probably hardest on myself than anybody else. It's always been like that... so what to do, what to do, right?

I can't just BECOME happy with myself. But I am getting there, slowly. I'm working towards something and it's what keeps me going. That and this guy. I am and will forever be a work in progress. :)

Anyway, I have to go to work. I've lost my name badge... again. But oh well, I'll get over it. Bye for now.

Hi everybody. This is day 2 of my hangover which really sucks. I still have a headache and feel like barfing - just not as bad. Thank goodness today is an off-day.

Let me tackle a few website related things. I checked my Feedburner statistics and I saw that I have -0- subscribers. No, not just for today, but all time statistics. I've gotten about 3,000 comments, yet about 2,990 were junk comments on my weblog. No one has chatted with me. There have been no emails.

...Something is wrong here. There must be several things I'm doing wrong. Some of them I know about and some I don't know because people are so silent these days.

My podcast had a really crappy launch because it was rushed. No one made me rush it... I rushed it because I felt like I needed to get it out. So I was (and continue to be) unprepared.

So that leaves me wondering what to do with it. Do I write it off as a bad idea, scrap the idea entirely and move forward with just a weblog and webcam? Oh no, wait, the webcam is probably going to go too. My polls say I should just ditch it anyway. Of course, people also said that my podcast sucks (aka needs improvement).

So I'm bitter... so there!

I'm not really bitter or anything I guess. I don't have tracking stuff for the main reason that I don't obsess over it. I used to, of course but not anymore. Now that I have Feedburner I check every few days hoping at least someone subscribes.

What am I missing now that I wasn't missing 5-10 years ago? I need to think about that. I don't... feel like the same person. Good lord I don't feel 20 years old anymore either. But anyway, I'm going to try to get my stuff together.

I'm outta here now. I might blog again later. I'm not sure. Bye now.

Hi everybody. I haven't been updating much because I'm in a tight spot where I don't really care. Negative, yes. Do I care? No.

I think that's because I'm in hangover hell. Last night I drank about 3/4 of a bottle of Midori then some rum and I was out. I got home around 1:30 this morning and had to wake up at 7:00 am to go to work. I was still pretty drunk when I woke up. Now, if I think about melon stuff I want to barf. It's going to take me a few weeks of getting used to smelling that. There is an air freshener in the kitchen that sprays a watermelon scent and yes, it makes me want to barf.

I've made a few changes to my website. And I am contemplating some things. I want to make sure that I am making good decisions so I'm going to give myself 2 weeks to see if my mind changes.

I have a lot on my mind but I feel like crap. I am continuing to get ready to leave again. I leave in about 3 months from now. I think less than that really.

I guess I'm gonna go. I'm tired. I want to be naked. I'm sure that pictures of last night will start showing up soon. My camera was there but I think Brandi took all the pictures.

I am hungry for ravioli. Even the canned ravioli would be good.

Bye now.

Alright, this is the first 'real' podcast in about a week and a half. Things have been crazy-busy.

This episode is quite random at best. Brandi and I went into it totally unprepared, as usual and we had absolutely nothing to talk about. Though this is the case, we ended up talking for about 30 minutes. At the end of this one, I display my singing skills.

(OK, I was testing the microphone.)

So have a listen here and/or subscribe by going here.

Brandi and I recorded a new episode tonight but I am not really sure when I'm going to post it. Most likely I will before I head to work around 3:00 pm. It doesn't even have a title yet and I so need new podcast album cover artwork. So yes, a new one is coming if you look forward to that kind of thing.

After it was done, we watched Jackass Two and I can't believe that people try to copy the stuff on there. It's downright retarded... but I won't say that I didn't laugh. Leeches on eyeballs? That's creepy.

So, how was Valentine's Day? Well, Brandi and I spent the whole day together so that I was pretty nice. Gilbert called me and told me that he has booked two tickets to Newcastle (NSW) in August for us. Jesús called and I didn't call him back. I think he wanted me to bring him out on a "date" but I didn't get around to returning his call.

I just got home and read my email about my cousin and his girlfriend got married, so okay, now she's his wife. For some reason, this pisses me off. My aunt tries to do a good thing by keeping us all updated but I don't want to hear it. Jealousy, again, is pulsing through these veins because I want to be able to get married. I mean, to the person I love!

And of course, earlier, the same thing happened when I went to the Hong Kong Shopping Mall and saw parents with their kids and I was like "awwwww, how adorable" and it just totally made me fume that I can't really have children either. Well, in that regard, since my boyfriend and I can't reproduce, is hard to be jealous about. I'm not even really ready for a child yet anyway. I know Gilbert wants one, but I don't know if that's something I can provide. I can always help support, but I can't shoot it out of my vagina... partly because I don't have one! (And don't want one either)

I'm not sad or anything at the moment - but of course I miss him a lot. I want to hurry and return to Melbourne. But I think everybody here knows that all too well. And I'm sure people are tired of hearing it!

I'll probably sleep soon and I know that I'll sleep decently tonight. I actually feel tired which isn't something I feel much of, ya know? Sometimes I feel like I have to sleep so I do.

And always remember:
"If there's a job worth doing, it's worth doing adequately."

Hello everybody. Just a quick note:

I have added instant messenger status indicators on my contact page. You can see if I'm online and then send me a message... but for some reason they're very unreliable. I'm looking for a different solution to this. Right now I am using onlinestatus.org to help me, but it's actually not telling people the truth. If you see a "?" on one of them, most likely that's not right.

The AIM and Yahoo indicators work great though. The rest of them, not so well. And I've noticed that Mozilla has a habit of not wanting to update the images after they've been loaded. But yes, they are there.

Check 'em up check 'em up check 'em out.

Good question... good question.

My positive approach on things hasn't started. People at my marketing job keep asking me how my postal job is going. And I tell them that I'm tired of devoting my life to them. I get tired of having no personal life! But anyway, to better things, shall we?

Brandi's still in the process of moving. I was over last night (yes, skipped work again) watching her shampoo the carpet. Surprisingly, no one made any cracks about "licking the carpet" and we were dead-ass tired by the end of the day. (Remember, I had about 2-3 hours of sleep that day)

My planning for school is going well. It's shocking, in a good way, that I will be going towards my dream of being a nurse. Of course the US doesn't get my talent, Australia does. I'm sure I will return to the USA to work a while later sometime to pay off loans and such. My fees are definitely being paid this week and I should get my confirmation of enrollment in a few weeks at the latest. I'm excited.

Oh yes... more exciting stuff... Brandi and I are heading to the Hong Kong Shopping Mall/Supermarket on Wednesday. (And of course you can read about it here as well as other stuff.) We usually go so I can get green tea that doesn't taste like Kool-Aid (aka sugar water) and to get little cakes and stuff. You see, when Gilbert and I would go out, we'd sometimes stop by Chinese bakeries and get things like that. I sometimes miss it and like a lot of the baked goods and stuff. I'm off from both jobs on Wednesday so we'll probably do a new podcast episode then. Then I think Saturday of either this week or next week, Brandi's having a housewarming party. And that means drinky-drinky for me even if I have to go to work on Sunday. :)

Wednesday is also Valentine's Day which does me no good really. I'm not too sad about not "celebrating" it either. Everyday should be a good day for lovers, don't you think?

Chinese New Year is less than a week away. My favorite thing to do is to ask everybody what they're doing for Chinese New Year. Mexicans especially. They pretty much have no idea what I'm talking about. Next year, Gilbert's birthday is on Chinese New Year and I will be in Australia. Pretty exciting, isn't it?

Anyway, that should be it for me. I've updated a few things on my website but I'm about to make a post about that before I head out. I hope my negative vibes haven't affected you too much. :)

A few people have told me this over the years:

"You only focus on the negative things in your life."

You can see that lately in my work schedule. I'm ready to take another (newer and better) approach on this and stop focusing in on that to turn it around. A negative attitude spreads negativity and negative attitudes. No one needs that.

My partner & I had a long talk about that tonight. And I think he's right.

So anyway, off to bed. I just wanted to say that. I have a long day ahead of me.

Not much to say really. Just keeping you all up to date on the latest happenings.

Yesterday, I came to the realization that I do have enough money on-hand to pay for my next semester in Australia. I'm going to wire it (or send an international money order) over to my bank account there sometime in the next week or two. I'm pretty excited about it because it's one of the very few times that I've accomplished something on a big scale like this. Well I've done a lot more but this is just the next step on my migration back to Australia. Hopefully it works out this time.

Some of you are wondering how I stayed in Australia as long as I did before. I had a long-stay tourist visa granted (up to 12 months). The past few times I have gone with an Australian Electronic Travel Authority (ETA) so I had to return after 3 months at a time.

After my interdependency visa was refused, I went with another ETA. This is because for me to reapply for the refused visa, I had to obtain another visa. For some Australian visas, I cannot reapply if my last application was refused or canceled. Instead of going through the pain and suffering of reapplying, I am going as a student where my dependency is not pushed on Gilbert so much. After I study for one year, I will go to Deakin University. I know, however, that a lot of my questions will be directed to him and such. I'm sure he won't mind to help me out.

Today, I opened an old fortune cookie. I have always wanted to open one that says something really bad like - "You'll never amount to anything, so stop trying." But instead, I got one that says "He who loves you will follow you." And how true that is. It's actually not what I expected.

Oh the things I do for love. But I said it about a million times... he's worth it.

Anyway, I have to go to work today. No podcast for the end of the week... really. No time really. Sorry.

Work and no play makes Ben very cranky.

This isn't a full length podcast and it's a little on the crappy quality end of the spectrum. I guess my microphone picked up a lot of my computer noise. I tried to avoid that but oh well.

I talk about why things are taking forever and my frustration that my podcast isn't focusing on the real issue at hand.

Is a new and better podcast coming tomorrow? I don't know yet. I'm really not sure.

IdioPod 4: Work & No Play

Hi everyone... um, how's it going? I hope everybody's doing great.

So yeah, a new podcast hasn't happened. Brandi and I may be working on one Friday night. Or sometime in the very near future. Tonight possibly? She just moved into her new place. We spent a few hours in there yesterday (with no electricity) just talking about ghosts, our jobs and a few other things. I'm jealous because I want to get a new place. I can't move because I have to save money! As much as humanly possible.

Speaking of idioPod, I am working from 4:30 pm until 1:00 am (at least) Saturday AND Sunday. I work at my other job from 8:00 am until 2:30 pm on Sunday too. Then I am working late at night on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday at my boring ass postal job. And I don't even know what my schedule is for my retail job yet. So most likely, I have to miss my Tuesday "deadline" again.

On the news front, isn't it great when US officers refuse to deploy to Iraq. Kudos to him. And when the officer is as cute as he is, I don't blame him... at all. He thinks about that stupid war the same way a lot of Americans do... simply a waste of time, our tax money and to quote Rosie, morally bankrupt.

In other news, I have lost about 8 pounds. I know, I know, you people think I don't need to lose it. I am more comfortable being thin... not "average". And I do know when I am too-too skinny.

Today is a double-shift day, meaning that I have to work one job then turn around and do the other. I left about 4 hours early yesterday because I needed the break.

I guess it's time for me to actually get dressed. Last time I checked, that's what I have to do to go to work. As sad as this sounds, I will be back at home... tomorrow.

I was thinking I would put this into a podcast tomorrow (with the very little free time I have) but I decided kinda against it. So I'll put it here...

Emotionally, I am a big mess. With today being my partner's birthday and the fact that I am not even there makes me a bit depressed. I won't be there for Valentine's Day (which, really, isn't so bad) and I won't be around for Chinese New Year either.

I am more or less working myself to death these days, literally. I am mega-stressed and really it's no one's fault but my own. I know that I will feel even more depressed if I quit my not-so-good paying job because I won't have as much spending money anymore. Then I will sit around with my new free time and think about Gilbert. Then I'll get depressed.

I have to admit, thinking about him usually doesn't make me depressed. I look forward to being with him, of course. I just really want to reach a goal for myself and at the same time, make him proud of me. To hear him say that he's proud of me for anything is wonderful. To hear him tell me he loves me makes my soul sparkle. I mean, really, I am not the most good looking guy. I am not the most muscular or successful person.

...and still he hangs around. Today I called him to tell him happy birthday. It was a short conversation because he overslept (and yes he's good at that). Then he called me back later and he said "I love you Ben" and it's so sweet to hear him say that. It makes me smile. It makes me realize that my hard work will pay off in the long run. But it comes with a price.

The pre-migration chapter of my life is about to repeat itself.

And for a few moments, I asked myself if doing a podcast is the most sane thing to do. And if I should even bother because of my mental state or lack of free time. (No, I'm not crazy) and I think that I should continue. My main goal of a podcast isn't materializing. I'm not fully happy with it but it is fun. I still need to educate about this horrible 7+ years of trying to get there. If this isn't a test of our relationship, I don't know what the hell is.... but I drift off the subject again.

My podcasts... I feel like I HAVE to do them every Tuesday. Well, that didn't happen, did it? I guess I will just say there will be new ones when I can do it. I had no idea that I would have to work over 60 hours this week. I also don't feel like my podcasts are very informative. I need to change the description on it. I feel like I have a voice that isn't even good enough for a telephone let alone a podcast. It just bums me out.

I said there would be a podcast tomorrow or today? Maybe... I don't know yet. It will be s surprise.

Anyway it's almost 2 am and I have to only work 1/2 a day tomorrow. I need the extra sleep so bad. Goodnight to you!

This workweek is turning out to be the most hell-spawned I have had in a loooong time. Then add in the fact that I really, really need to start the preparations to move again... and you have a very emotionally unstable Ben.

And also I have no time Monday (which I still consider to be today), Tuesday and Wednesday because I have to work 16-18 hours each day. The earliest I can promise anything is Friday night. If that doesn't work, I can always make home-made porn.

I am very behind on listening to other people's podcasts too by the way. I'll get around to it on Tuesday if I go to my job. I'm on a razor's edge on going postal. Nah, I'm stressed and tired of working so much.

So please wait. I'm sure you'll be glad you did. Oh, and my husband's birthday is on the 7th! So happy birthday to the most special guy ever! Yeah, like he reads this... ;)

Here, amuse yourself with this in the meantime:

You might have noticed there were a few updates to the site:

- More options and updated contact page;
- Added Gizmo and voicemail options.
- New graphics on front page;
- Updated profile (but no new information);
- idiopod.com now lists podcast entries;
- Lots more podcast subscription options on the left menu; and
- Probably more stuff that I forgot.

That is all.

How is everyone this fine Saturday? Well I'm doing well. Having Friday and Saturday off from both jobs rocks! And then add Friday and things are cooler.

I finally heard something from my agent and I have to get my fees paid by 15 March. I might actually have to get everything done by April so I can leave in mid-May to be in class in June. So that's good news for me. This is the first step (out of 2 or 3 unsuccessful tries) to be able to stay with my partner again for good. It's important. My first and ultimate goal is to finish the year and have a good start on my new degree in nursing. Nursing in Australia as an American is going to be strange but hey, the qualifications are the same I hope. Maybe I should look more into that.

Gilbert called about 15 minutes ago to tell me that he's excited about it. My fees are being paid next week and now I get to go through more blood tests and having the doctor grab my nuts again. So this is quite exciting...

I've known about this since Thursday but I feel like I am posting weblogs too much lately.

Ah yes, and a plug for my friend:

You can go here to visit his website.

This is someone who I work with musically when I'm in Australia... and even here... we trade ideas.

Anyway that is it. I will catch everybody later. I'm tired!

I began thinking that I wouldn't get a new podcast done for Friday, but here it is. Brandi and I recorded it three times because the first one just sucked, the second wasn't very interesting or loud and the third one was a little better so we went with the 3rd.

In this podcast we played a short game of "Dirty Minds", talked about guys who fall in love with people for their body only and the fun of Google Images. Then of course there are the tons of junk we babble on about and try to embarrass each other. :)

So have a listen:

IdioPod 3: A Dirty Mind

I'd go on a little more if I could but I am dead ass tired. Goodnight.

I just got home from work. It's 2 am. Yes, I work for the post office into the wee hours of the morning. I'm not really supposed to but sometimes the stupid supervisors do stupid things which keeps me there until 1:30 am. Funny thing is that I have to be AT my other job at 8 am. I leave that job at 2:30 pm and have to be at the same job I just left from at 3 pm. The cycle never freakin' ends.

Needless to say, I'm going to be pretty bitchy tomorrow. I suggest you watch your tongue or I'll rip it out of your mouth! But then I sorta have a solution to this problem and that is to call in sick to my 2nd job. I'll see how I feel around 1 pm to decide if I'm going to do that or not.

I hate businesses who wait until the very last damned minute to send out their tax stuff. I hope this madness stops soon because this working 10 hours a day crap isn't working. I did hear that one of my W-2s were mailed out today (and I ran into a bunch of them as proof) so that's good. I can finally get 'er done. Unfortunately, I also got my so-called W-2 from Dreamhost. It's not as bad as last year - they paid me over $2500 2 years ago. This year it was just below $1000. This, folks, is who pays my webhosting bills. :) This is why I don't have to resort to begging - yet.

And no trip to the city this weekend. I need to help my mom get some stuff sorted out with her passport and I need to help a friend move. I was going to do a podcast (make one) on Saturday with Travis but he's too busy. We work together and he works more than I do.

As time goes on, going back to finance seems to look better and better. Just out of convenience.

Oh yes, and I pitched Travis the idea to make me some theme music. I want it to sound similar to "Not David Bowie" by Tori Amos. I guess I am more than capable of doing it myself...

Anyway, that's it. I'll be here and I'll be queer this weekend. I'll have to get used to it. But first I need to sleep! Goodnight boys and girls.