December 2006 Archives

Who would have known when I woke up I would feel like ass? I sure the hell didn't. Apparently, I was suffering from a migraine. I went to work anyway but came home a few hours later. Then I had to call in for my other job because well, when I shake my head it hurts. And I mean just a little bit. Yeah, sucks.

In other news, Gilbert told me today that he's going to get Australian citizenship. He didn't tell me right away because he said it doesn't really mean that much, but it does - to me, at least it does. Why? I... I'm not really sure. Of course to me, that would be a big deal. I don't know if it's because I'm American or not. Would I take an extra step to be an Australian? Perhaps. But we'll see.

More news (or is it), significant updates aren't going to happen this year. They're just not unless I work my ass off tomorrow and Sunday. And um, I'm not planning to do that. It also looks like my domain and hosting will be renewed for another year. I need some publicity but I doubt any of you are willing to do that. And I mean that in the nicest, kindest way of course!

So the weather is nasty, my head is hurting and I am tired. So I will probably try to go to sleep now, yes, at 7:25 pm. I'll be up at 4 am, but oh well. I need some real rest. Maybe I just need a cute Asian man in a business suit here. Or a few... or maybe a dark muscular Mexican construction worker.

OK, bye for now - fo' real.

First, an announcement: New pictures have been added.

Second, a real blog entry! Hooray!

My five days off from the post office are over. I'll actually be glad to get back, believe it or not. Sometimes I hate the job, and sometimes I don't. I just want to be busy doing something that isn't mildly physical labor. The other place I work (retail) has been working me like crazy. But of course, I don't mind because I need to be saving money.

I've been really bummed out that I don't get to go back to Melbourne when I want. Even my subconscious keeps telling me I'm full of shit even thinking that I am going. I'm sure everybody around here is thinking that I'm full of shit for moving my dates around like crazy. But, folks, I do what I need to do to survive. If I left next month, I wouldn't be able to survive... okay, I would but I would be ill-prepared. The longer I stay here in the US, the more money I can get. I know it's a damned shame that money is that important... but that's just reality.

So that's one of the things that keep bothering me. I want to go back so bad. I miss Gilbert a lot and I'm not 100% sure that he'll be here in March. That bothers me. I need a concrete answer.

I just downloaded Regina Spektor's "Begin to Hope" (her site) and I love it. I don't think anybody can replace the special place I have in my heart for Tori Amos though. I wonder when BJörk is going to get off her ass and release some new stuff. Her Drawing Restraint album makes me want to stab my ears with screwdrivers. I don't even thing that if I listened to it twice I'd like it.

Anyway, I must go to work now. I am a little bit depressed at the moment, but at the same time, I'm doing decently. I am just missing Gilbert quite a lot. Bi now.

Alright, statistically, about 85% of my family was drunk last night. I'm not bitching because I was part of this made up statistic. I didn't get completely naked-drunk like I tend to do. I maybe had about 3 shots of rum and that's it. Still, being a bit buzzed is nice on holidays.

Work was insane. It seemed like the day lasted forever. Maybe it's because I had something to look forward to. My sister made her cheese dip (which I wish she, yes, you, would have drained the meat first) and my aunt made her meatballs. I guess she got them out of the package because that's how they tasted.

Anyway, the real reason why I am blogging tonight is that my parents actually played with my Wii tonight and no, that's not some sick southeast Texas humor for you. We were bowling and my mom and dad both stomped my ass. And this was their first time to even use a Wii. It was pretty damn fun. My arms are killing me from boxing.

So X-mas eve went on without a problem. I did get a lot of chocolate. And that's food I don't need! But I love it.

The bad news is that I didn't have my camera with me. The good news is that I played with my sister's camera and told her to send me some shots. Tomorrow I will bring it. Hopefully I won't lose my sanity tomorrow. My dad's side of the family can make a nun want to drink herself silly. I can hear it now: "This year, we're doing something different. We're going to pass out gifts by age and birthplace. If you were born on the right side of a watermelon in May, please find your gifts while whistling showtunes backwards."

Then there's also my cousin who has some serious issues. He's the one that made us all want to commit suicide when Hurricane Rita decided to rip this place a new asshole. Of course I'll get to hear about how great he is and how everybody else isn't - though he can't pronounce words with a D worth a damn.

Maybe I'm the one with the issues, hmmm... well anyway, Merry Christmas and I'll be back soon.

This weblog entry marks the 100th entry! Hooray!

Lately, I have been posting more because people have actually been reading it. And that's nice to hear. I have also been getting more readers too, so hello to all you new guys and girls. I was hoping to make an announcement about this website on the 100th entry but I can't. Not yet. What I can say is that quite a few changes are coming soon. I'm really wanting to make the first page more useful. Pretty soon I will have some linking buttons too. Just... um, one of these days it'll happen.

The main reason I am posting this now is that tomorrow I don't think I will have time. Believe it or not, I have to work tomorrow (as quite a few Americans do in the retail industry). I have to go in at 11 am and stay until 6 pm (when the store closes) but before I go on, I would like to say that my Christmas shopping DID get finished. I even bought me a gift.

Oh yes, let me continue... see, it's tradition that my family goes to my mother's side of the family to open gifts tomorrow around yes, 6 pm. We eat lots of snack foods like cocktail weenies, cheese dip and chips and vegetables. We don't have a full meal, though we eat enough "junk" to fill up our bellies. A few times we have stayed there pretty late (because of my dad's drinking habit... years ago) but we've been leaving around 9 or 10 for the past few years.

If I was younger, Santa Claus would bring me presents. The funny thing is that I believed in Santa Claus until I was like in the 6th grade. My friends never mentioned he was made up. Neither did my family. No one told me - I just remember not getting a stocking and stuff one year. What's more sad is that even now, I wake up on Christmas morning and get depressed when I don't see anything.

So in the morning, we all wake up, open gifts (for my parents, me and my sister) and eat breakfast. Breakfast is usually something simple like sausage balls (the link is an example, I think ours are made a little differently*). We sometimes eat and open presents at the same time. Then, around 10 am, we had to my dad's side of the family. We open presents, then eat lunch (which is usually something like ham, turkey, mash potatoes, etc - same as Thanksgiving), laze around, then head back to my mother's side of the family... yes, to eat again (but a few hours later). Same kind of food and such. Then after it's all said and done we head back home and laze around until we fall asleep.

That is Christmas for me. Lots and lots of eating, sometimes more than Thanksgiving.

Soooooooooo... needless to say, tomorrow is also going to be busy. Right after work, I head to my grandparents' house.

I'm going to try to take lots of pictures. I need to take a lot of them for Gilbert. And for whoever else wants to see. I was actually going to take my Wii but I doubt I will. It's still hot merchandise so I better not leave it in my car while I'm at work.

I bought The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess today and played it for about 3 hours altogether. Wow. It's fun, but I am not enjoying the music on games as of late. World of Warcraft is a good example of crappy music. It was so much better on Diablo 2 (more notably, the expansion). (Music Player)

Anyway - I'm gonna insert some links and send this to the press. I have to wake up in the morning for the work thing... so yeah, hope I don't go crazy from the late shoppers.

* - Bisquick is a pre-mixed baking product made by General Mills consisting of flour, sugar, vegetable shortening, salt, powdered milk and leavening soda. According to General Mills, Bisquick was born when one of their sales executives met a train dining car chef who mixed lard and the dry ingredients for biscuits ahead of time. Originally intended for making biscuits very quickly, Bisquick can be used to make a wide variety of baked goods from pizza dough to pancakes to snicker doodle cookies. (This is the exact entry from Wikipedia... no more, no less.)

You can actually make the stuff yourself (or something like it) if you live in Australia. Here are some recipes on how you can make it.

I finally got one... yeah, bad, I know. I haven't been playing it like a madman like we all expected but it sure is fun. If you have a Wii and you want to exchange messages with me my console number is 5276 1009 4812 7569.

See here's a picture:

Anyway that's it. No sleep lately. I am so tired of working, but since Christmas is here and almost over with, I get a small break. I need it. At work I have been learning to speak Mandarin (Chinese) so I can irritate the hell out of Gilbert. I can only say a few things like "Hello", "Good Morning", "Are you Chinese?", "Do you like China?" and a few other things. I have also been refreshing my Spanish.

Oh, also, today I won a drawing at work and won some cologne. It totally made my day. Especially after I woke up around 5 this morning after going to sleep around 2. I am dead-ass tired. Good-night.

Last night I went to Chili's and drank about 3 margaritas to help me relax a little bit because of the nasty turn of events things have been taking. (Alcohol doesn't solve any problems though... remember that.) I was lit after one so I am sure I was a lot of fun last night too. Of course, I went out publicly intoxicated. That was a lot of fun. In a way.

I was surprised I woke up feeling alright. I am okay I guess. Emotionally, well, that's different. But hopefully it will get better.

I remember talking to a guy last night in the area who I have never met. He's over here from India and I really know how it can feel to be in a different country where I didn't really grasp the holidays and such. I befriend international students and foreigners mostly because of that reason. I feel lonely at time when I am in Australia and I want them to know there is a ring of support. Well, this guy has flip-flopped on me more than the shoes with the same name. One minute he's just fine, and another he is telling me that I am ignoring him. Well, the fun began when he wanted me to turn on my webcam for him. People should already know that I hate that thing. I hate admitting I even have one because if I do it once, people expect me to turn it on whenever they want. I said no because 1) I am drunk and probably a bit haggard. 2) It's dark, I am in bed... comfortable and content. and 3) I just didn't feel like it. I told him all of this. Well, he flew off his rocker saying that he guesses we can't be friends and he's deleting me from his buddy list and all these other threats so I'll change my mind. No, I was getting sick of trying to fulfill his needs. I mean, damn, he's not even my boyfriend and he's being even more demanding than him - so I said screw it. The guy obviously has control issues or some other insecurity issues. So screw it. If he's expecting his friends to do this kind of thing, then maybe he doesn't deserve it. I'm tired of going out of my way to make people happy. And I'm tired of morons.

Then there are other guys who know that I'm in a relationship, yet they say "I wish you were my boyfriend." The best comeback I can say is, "You should have met me about 8 years ago then." It gets on my nerves for people to tell me that they love me, even after they know of my situation. I get so tired of hearing people say that I need to find someone else here. Um, no. I am always, ALWAYS up front and honest about my relationship. And my heart can't be reversed.

My partner is awesome. Sometimes he's not and he gets on my nerves, but otherwise he's a good guy. I look up to him for guidance and it's completely up to me whether I follow it or not. As of late, I have been listening to him a lot more. He's been working hard to get me back there. It might not be when I'd like to leave, but at least it will happen.

I guess I should get up and get ready for work and play World of Warcraft for a while since I am paying for it. And since I've played it about 4 times this month.

I thought I'd type out what is swimming around in my head at the moment.

The more I think about it, the more dissatisfied I am with my course of actions in the past. I'm getting unhappier with where I am right now and the fact that shit is always happening to keep me away from my partner. I'm unhappy because I realize how shitty I have treated him in the past.

Being with him once and for all would make me happy. The work it has taken to get here has been excruciatingly painful. And you know what I realized? I'm still not there. I am not where I want to be. For so many years I have more or less put my life on hold to be with him and look where it's gotten me.

I am getting so tired of going back and forth between countries and feeling like I am at least 5 years behind where I ideally want to be. I sit at work, at both jobs, thinking how awfully shitty they are. One of them, I am sure, is going to be phased out pretty soon. What happens then? I'm not guaranteed a job there doing something else. Neither are the other 800 people just like me. I can't stay at that job forever.

I could look at things in a more positive light, I think. I mean, who really gets to go between two countries? Who has been all across the USA, let alone the world? Who has gotten to meet all these wonderful people from so many different backgrounds? Who has found a lover who has stuck around through the thick and thin? Who has a partner who doesn't mind the distance?

But still, I think things could be better. Maybe I'm not working hard enough. But what more can I do? I'm doing absolutely everything I possibly can to get there only to just fuck up in the long-run. But the journey isn't over - oh lord no it's not over.

I propose not to give up until it's physically and mentally impossible for me to give up. I can't give up. No matter how bad my job(s) sucks or how many forks are thrown into my blender of life - I must continue. Why must I continue? Because of this. That is the reason I press forward. That is also the reason I am nowhere near my personal career goal. But it's worth it. It puts a drain on me emotionally but I am in love. Maybe I should be in love more with myself; who knows?

Right now I am depressed mostly because I have to wait again to live with or stay with my lover. I am also depressed because this wait puts me more behind in my career goals. I'm sad and at times reduced to tears. I'm reduced to tears over filing paperwork later than I should have... how is that for a cause to a problem? There isn't much I can do about it except find another school - or just head to Deakin. I seriously doubt Gilbert will let me go to school in Feb. If he does, I'll be shocked. (He is paying my first year's fees upfront, just so you know.)

IF I do go ahead with Deakin, then I will be forced to leave in the next few weeks. I am NOT prepared for that... really. Financially or mentally.

I spoke with him and he'll get back to me tomorrow. He's working hard to open up my options and for that, I have to thank you immensely. He's really a good man.

NOW I have to sleep. Have to. You will notice I skip around a lot on my thoughts - but ask anybody who knows me. This is my typical thought process. Really. I go back and forth, back and forth. I really need to think of both sides - I can't keep going "I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself..." because that shit gets me NOWHERE! Depression or sadness doesn't mean I waive productivity.

Can you hear that? Is that the sound of a toilet flushing? It must be because things are now in the crapper for me.

There are already no openings for the year of 2007 for the nursing program... for the full year. So this poses a problem... my acceptance to Deakin University is still good though. It looks like I need a migration agent now.

So, at this point, it seems like I have a few options:

- I can either go to Deakin University right away and be broke for the rest of my life or
- Stay in the USA for additional time.

I am not sure if Gilbert will like the idea of me staying here for much longer - hell I don't want to stay longer than I have to. I miss my boyfriend immensely. He hasn't talked with me about it just yet but I'm sure he will later.

We'll see how things go because I am not very happy at the moment. I have to sleep. Goodgnight.

Or here, watch this creepy stuff:

I watched this when I was a kid and saw it at Brandi's and at first I was like, what the hell? I remembered seeing her (Grace Jones) somewhere but I couldn't remember. Now I thought about it, I remember that lady is/was a model. But even now, though she's aged quite a few years, she's still really beautiful.

(Oh, I must have been responsible for sending that box there instead of DC... oops.)

Anyway - really, goodnight. Hopefully things will improve.

The past several days with Saturday as an exception have been quite busy for me. I have actually started on my Christmas shopping which mostly consists of gift cards. I can't say where or anything because my family reads this weblog. I have to keep secrets.

Brandi did get her gift mostly because she was there when I got it. I didn't want to lug it to her house then bring it with me back home, so I let her keep it. Makes things a bit easier for me because I hate wrapping presents anyway. I really do.

Christmas is coming... and fast! And it's like 77 degrees F outside (that's 25 degrees C for you Australians). Of course, Australians would probably say, hey, I wish it was that "cool" here. No, it's usually about 40-50 F here (um, about 4-10 C). So blah... it's sad when you need the A/C on at this time of year.

But I still want some hot chocolate. So I'm going to do that. Soon.

I have to set my school stuff up for when I return to Australia too - so I should be doing that too. Anyway people, I'll catch you later.

Updates for Everybody!

Good news folks, I have finally gotten around to updating my website. Gee, I forgot how time-consuming it can be... but oh well, it's done... so what has changed?

New Graphics

In some places, most notably, the contact options, the graphics have been added. I thought that some of the pages in that area were a bit boring and thought I should add some color.

Webcam On-Site Options Added

Finally, I have added options to view my webcam on the site instead of using third-party software to view it. Of course, I still support and recommend the software option rather than the on-site option. The pages do work but I admit, they're not very good looking right now. Look.

Updated Profile

There isn't much to update on a profile when you haven't changed relationships in over five years, but I updated a few things. I shrunk it a little bit and tried to add some graphics but it didn't go as well as I thought it would go. See it now.

Changed the Stuff that Changes in the Upper Left

I have no idea what to call that - but I have refreshed it a bit. I added some of it to be a filler, but never bothered to take a lot of it out. PS: It's on the front page.

More Photos

Yes, I have been adding about 3 or 4 pictures every day or so, so if you haven't seen them, now is a good time to take a look.

I have a few more things up my sleeve but they're going to have to wait a little bit.

Okay, just to let you know, it is a very good idea to bring my iPod to work with me. Why? Because I sit in one place and pretty much just type. It can get mighty boring sitting in a chair for eight hours when you have nothing to listen to.

WELL! My iPod's been acting funny lately. It will play and at certain spots it will become unresponsive to any buttons being pushed. My battery bar will drop to the very red level (with about 2 pixels left) and finally it will just stop. But the backlight will stay on (making sure it depletes my full battery, I bet). Then I have to restart it.

This morning, the damned thing would not connect. It had the an error telling me to connect my iPod to my computer, then my iTunes would say "iTunes has detected an iPod in recovery mode. You must restore this iPod before it can be used with iTunes." So I'd restore. It would turn off, and go back to the error on the iPod. It was a continuous loop and I was getting pissed off

No, you don't understand, I was getting extremely pissed off. So pissed off, in fact, that the iPod got a serious beating this morning.

Then of course, I went to Apple's support pages where I found a solution. It wasn't the most ideal solution, but at least the thing works now. I so was NOT going to go to work without it. And also, I was 20 minutes late getting to my first job trying to get it to work. The solution basically was to make another user account for my Mac, restore it there, then bring it back to my old account. Everything was erased.

You know, I think my 5 GB first generation iPod was the best. it didn't scratch, it wasn't too elaborate... I could throw it at someone and kill them... I liked it. I want to get my Filipino friend an iPod shuffle. But I don't think that would be fair if I were to buy him something that costs about 4x more than what I spend on people. He does do a lot for me, so I think he deserves something like that.

So that's the drama with my iPod. Next comes some other drama!!!

On my profile here, it says I am anti-marriage for same-sex couples. I think that's what it says at least, I should check. Well it says that I am... and I'm for civil unions. The problem, really, is that if it's called civil union, that gives the lawmakers here an excuse to screw same-sex couples out of equal rights. You know, I'd be completely FOR either, as long as I am treated like an equal. That's it. You could call it whatever you want to (and some people do... especially here), but I want to be treated like any other member of society when it comes to my relationship. And my relationship is just as loving as the next... except it doesn't end in divorce.

I think if I were to do an interview, that is what it would be about. I have done some preliminary talking with some people about that - but I am not public speaking material. Noooo, not at all. Not yet at least.

Hello everybody. I am getting a good track record, eh? Don't you think?

I was thinking about something lately. And of course when I think, the results aren't really that good.

I was thinking, something's wrong because when I see any asian person (male), I automatically assume they are gay. I realized that I don't really personally know any straight asian people. I'm very sure I have, but isn't that strange. I remember walking down the streets of Melbourne (and Sydney) and seeing lots of straight asian couples and being a little bit confused. I think it's interesting that I have that perception.

I think really I have limited myself on who I meet or talk to. I can see how only associating with gay people if you're gay can be a very serious social problem. Nor can I really see how socially productive straight people can be by only associating with straight people. The world I guess needs to mesh a little more.

Of course I know and I'm friends with a lot of straight people. But unfortunately none of them are asian. So my view of reality is a little bit blurred. And uh yeah, contrary to what people think, I don't go after every asian guy I see. I already have one. :)

My interests are so scattered it's not even funny. I love men (and to some point, women) of all shapes, colors and sizes. So this sorta puts me in a daze...

Did any of that even make sense? Heh heh. Hello to new readers - feel free to leave your comments.

Lately there have been two updates a day. I think that's pretty darn good. I've been progressively adding more photos over the past week. They're mostly pictures of me and my partner in Australia though. But still, I keep forgetting just how adorable he is. He's such a handsome guy.

Anyway, a growing problem on my weblog is increasing spam. It's pretty funny that not even 1 message gets published, yet spammers continue to spam my weblog. I think it's amusing. I think I have deleted about 120 comments this month alone. I get to keep about 0.5-1.0% of the total comments that come in - so I think that's pretty sad.

I found out yesterday that I am appointed to work at the post office until May which I guess in a way is a good thing. BUT it's a shame I most likely would not be there for that long.

Has everybody checked out the fun stuff page? I have a few podcasts I listen to daily on there. They're making me want to make podcasts again, but I am not sure if it is a wise thing to do mostly because I have limited bandwidth in Australia. Hopefully my boyfriend has stopped paying $50 AUD for 1 GB of transfer. (I use that in about 3 days here.) I'd like to start one but I don't want to be forced to stop in March, you know? We'll see.

And of course, here's a little plug for one of the podcasts I listen to that has a graphic I can put here:

I listen to it because it makes me think... and if I would have thought about it earlier, I would have blogged about a question he asked other podcasters... of course I was going to answer it about why I even have a website... and I am hoping to take a shift with it towards the USA's immigration policies.

ANYWAY, I have to work in a few minutes and need to eat something. I've eaten a lot of peanuts in sugar stuff... let me see if I can find a picture:

The ones I eat are in the upper left corner of the picture. And of course here is a recipe. (The site is pop-up crazy, so make sure you have your pop-up blocker on.)

Alright, I'm outta here.

I added some pictures but unfortunately they're not of me.

I added some photos from my last trip to Australia and my partner.

Go there now:

Or if you want to look at everything, go here.

Wow, people loved that video. Brandi has some more that I want to steal from her so when I get them from her, I'll post them up.

Also speaking of which, she has posted some new pictures on her Flickr account. And that is relevant because most of the time, she has pictures of me up. She uses her camera a lot more often than I do.

Christmas is fast approaching on us. Unfortunately, I haven't done a single bit of gift buying or card sending. Maybe someday, I will be able to get off my butt or wake up early enough in the morning to get some of that stuff done. Poor Chinese guy hasn't even had a card sent to him yet. It's still on my dresser because every damned time I go to the post office, they're closed. I hate the postal service.

What do I want for Christmas? I think I'd go for money this year, but everytime I say that, I don't get it. So maybe I should ask for stuff I have no use for. You know, stuff I have to leave behind when I move again. But thinking, really, I have no use for anything at all. If it were only simple to say "Hey, no one buy me anything because I am not buying anybody else anything too." That would be perfectly fine, but those kinds of things don't really fly too well in my family. I'd most likely be labeled an anti-American, anti-Christian, Australian-wanna-be terrorist. I have plenty of money to buy, but I really need to save my money. I guess it can't hurt to get everybody a little something.

Ah my Christmas spirit is glistening! I'd just assume skip the commercialized crap, the shitty Christmas music and all the people saying "God Bless You, but only if you're not a homosexull."

Oh and here's a Christmas tree too... the one that's up in my house. If you haven't checked my photos, I do add some sparingly.

Anyway, I have to work in a bit and I need to eat something - so goodbye now.

This is a video I made on our way to Houston a few months ago. I found it and thought it was funny so here it is:

Shit and the F-Word (7.2 MB, Quicktime)

Until I get Quicktime Streaming working (which looks like it will never happen), watch it there.

Transcript:

Me: Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Brandi's Mom: Why are you cussin' like that, Ben? We have to go pick up Travis's girlfriend.
Brandi: I heard Robin say the F-Word ::something something something::
Travis laughs.
Brandi's Mom: Robin said 'F'?
Travis: Yeah, Robin cusses. She's... she's loosened up a lot.

Probably after the video was over I was giggling about that part.

Oh yes, and this is us talking in our "tranny voices". Courtesy of me and my video editing.

This is definitely one of those mornings where I don't want to get out of bed or do anything at all really. And of course, I am scheduled at both jobs today so I have to put in at least 15 hours today. I'm just not feeling it today.

My stomach is giving me some trouble this morning too. I am not sure exactly why. It started getting bad last night for some reason. I did go out to eat at Logan's Roadhouse with a friend (and his friend) and well, I wasn't really impressed. The waitress was one of the stupidest waitresses I've ever had - and that's after going to the locally owned coffee shops where you swear they dump their cigarette ashes in the food. It took her forever to take our orders, and when we did order, it took her about 15 minutes to tell us that there um, were not mushrooms. So of course, we got the appetizer with the main plates. Then she forgot one of my sides (and I didn't really need it anyway, but still). The food at Cheddar's is better. And I believe that even on a bad day, the service is better. Even on the day when I had a shitty waiter there too.

It goes to show you that even at a place where you throw peanut shells on the floor, it can still suck. And plus the peanut shells on the floor thing is so copied from another original restaurant. And ADDITIONALLY it's a stupid idea. Go figure.

I think it's funny when you go out with someone and they bring someone along. They came with their friend but after everything's done, one of the people are like - so what do you want to do? And that person's like, oh I don't know. We can do this or this... or this... but then this and this... but you can tell that the other person's split on who they want to go with.

What I mean is that I have done that before - like when I went to Cheddar's with my sister, I ended up leaving with Brandi and feeling pretty bad that I went there with my sister, but didn't go back with her. Me being who I am, I always think it's a nice thing to go back with who I went there with. But of course, I had to multi-task that day because I never know when I will have free time.

I had dreams about going to Dallas/Ft. Worth last night. Of course I met Michael there again. He was talking that one of his friends stepped on another friend's head and crushed her. So sad. My sister was there too - and I seemed really, really disconnected from the world. Very stressed and antsy. I was going on and on about the bad mail that I was going to have to look for at work and how pissed I am that people can't seem to address envelopes. Someone needs a vacation... to Australia possibly?

Anyway, that's it for now. I have to get dressed in my evil all black garb now and I will be back probably tomorrow. Unless I win the lottery or something, then that's different. I guess it would have helped if I actually purchased lotto tickets.

I have to admit, I wrote the last entry when I was tired and half-asleep. I was trying to hurry and get it over with. And who can blame me... I hate working until the wee hours of the morning.

Now on to more serious things and probably things no one wants to hear.

December is one of the hardest months for me because my birthday, Christmas (and Xmas Eve) and New Year's Eve all lie right smack dab in this month. It's difficult being away from the person you love during the holidays. Over the past few years of me going back and forth to and from Australia, I seem to always be alone on the holidays. And it bites. I seem to get a lot more emotional during this month for every right reason. And of course, this is the exact reason why I fully support Immigration Equality.

My partner has told me that he would go ahead and apply for the visa lottery - but that's the very problem - it's a lottery. And it's not a guarantee. As nice as it would be for him to be here with me everyday, I know that it's just not that practical at the moment. Maybe someday, but not now. He has a good job there, we have a nice place to live, and so much rides on the fact that he's over in Melbourne. That's fine with me because I am the one, as usual, who has less to lose by moving and that's why I go back and forth. Well, I'm tired of it.

A long distance relationship is a very hard thing to maintain. I don't do it just so I can have an excuse to sleep with whoever I want here. It's not a choice I would make sanely. I don't do it because of that, but because I have to. My love, no matter what happens, hasn't shrunk in the past few years - of course I would get pissed off at times, but who doesn't get pissed at their loved one? It seems like when I do talk about him to people I focus on the bad things. I am one of the most negative people I know.

While we are apart, my mind stays more or less clear. My mind and heart is always on my relationship. And no one has been able to break that or make me feel any differently than how I feel for Gilbert. I am not sure why that is the case, especially when it would be so easy to find a lover here... but I am not willing to do that. And if it means that I need to live in Australia to do it, I will. That's because I'm in love and like a person in love, I do crazy things.

So of course I am missing him like crazy. And he sent me some pictures of him in Tasmania. He went with his mother and took some photos of himself for me. So that was nice. He wants me to hurry up and get back which is also sweet.

And of course New Year's Eve is coming up, and to strengthen myself, I will be making resolutions this year. Not to START on the 1st but as soon as possible. One of them is to get back below 150 pounds. I am getting a gut and I am not liking it one bit. Another is to end my procrastination habit. And they will continue to come...

Isn't it great that when I start one of these, by the mid-point, I am already bored with typing - or maybe it's all the IMs I get. So I guess I will go. I need to eat my daily vitamins and get fully ready for work. Have questions? Let me know. Link to my website if you want. Hopefully I'll get some pretty graphics ready at some point.

Finally, a site update. In this episode, we're going to attempt to cover a few things and the future of this website:

Website Costs and Extensions

The good news is that Idiologic will remain here as long as my revenue from Dreamhost holds up. As of December, I have completely stopped them from mailing me a check. My balance will accrue and when March comes around, the amount of $119.40 will be deducted from my account. Then it is at that point when a new year of hosting will be paid. This site pays for itself, really - well, it can. And it doing things this way will let me avoid paying more taxes on that income.

You can always get your site with $77 off a year by using the promotional code PROMOFORJOSE and make yourself money. Click here for more details, pricing and stuff.

Yeah, a nasty sales pitch, but that's okay.

A Change in Design

I am thinking of redoing the front page and just put the updated journal entries there. And add a news thing of some sort. Something like that. A lot of sections were removed because I pretty much knew from the start I wouldn't finish.

Podcasts?

I really need to add a section of the podcasts that I listen to - I think that would be nice... yeah. Sure.

Upcoming: New Pictures

More pictures are coming. Somewhere and sometime they are coming. Let me know if you miss the webcam. Yeah.

Alright so today I got up around 5 am to get ready for work. I finally got up around 5:30 and left about 5:50. Needless to say, I was 10 minutes late. The good thing is that I haven't been late before to that job and my boss didn't seem to care too much that I got there late. I told him I worked until 1 am which is a blatant lie. I just didn't want him to think that I would rather sleep than go to work that early. I planned on leaving a little early so I could go out to lunch with my sister, brother-in-law and nephews.

Well, I worked until 1:45 pm, so I made up the 10 minutes I was late. I didn't really mind either, since I don't hate that job. I went to my sister's house and called Brandi to meet me at Cheddar's at 3. I invited Kate and didn't really expect her to show up but she did. And that makes me happy. Around 3:35 we got seated (I'm thinking they put drugs in the food to make everybody want to go there) and we were there in total for over 2 hours. Waiting for our seat, our food, and for the waiter to pull his thumb out of his ass and do his job. The waiter got a really, really bad tip for that. I love their baked potato soup. I also had something called "The Cookie Monster" which is a cookie cooked in a skillet with hot fudge, ice cream, cherries, whipped cream and nuts on top. Waaaaaay too many calories and waaaaaay too sugary but all in all, it was good.

I have to admit that today was awesome. It was nice having my family there and my best friend at the same place and at the same time. And just being there makes life worth living - even special.

So of course I apologize for being a cranky bum on my birthday. And I appreciate everybody who wished me well that day. It's very nice of you.

As for me, I think it would be good if I slept. I only slept last night for 4 hours so I don't have much energy left.

Well here I am again. I am feeling better. I think I just needed some sleep. I'm still disappointed but today is a new day so to speak... but it will still be pretty uneventful but oh well.

A lot of what was pissing me off last night was the fact that I wasn't expecting to stay at work for my full shift. Really I actually planned to stay for the whole thing but leaving early yesterday would have been really nice. That just did not happen. And it pissed me off.

I had invited a bit more people to do something with me last night but they couldn't go either. It was either impossible (because they were scattered around), they were closeted or afraid of going to a gay club, or if they did go, they'd expect me to sleep with them. It's okay because I drove by the club and there was pretty much no one there and there were a few ugly drag queens outside. And when I do go, I usually get hit on by drag queens and um, I'm not down wit dat. It's why I wouldn't go alone, that and I might get myself into some trouble. So to avoid that problem, why bother?

I did want to do something though, but what is there to do at 11:30 at night? I could have always hung out at the park and be part of a drug deal or something like that. That's always fun.

I guess I'm going to log off because I am going out today to possibly go Xmas shopping. I hate this time of year because of the holidays. They're just not any fun for me anymore. They're more of a hassle. Anyway, with that said, goodbye. Have fun.

AN ADDON: Gilbert did call me today so I feel better.

Well alright, that was the suckiest birthday I have had so far.

My boyfriend didn't call me or send me an email or anything to tell me happy birthday.

No one did anything with me after work today. It wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't get all dressed up for nothing. Or if this was planned for the past two weeks. I brought my camera, lots of extra cash and stuff because I was ready for a really fun night with my friends and me.The fact that it was my birthday and my only 27th birthday didn't help it either.

Today I think I have felt the worst I have in a long time. It starts to dawn on me that I am pretty much nothing like how I wanted to be. I am still struggling to find myself at the same time. I do hate working for the post office right now. I hate the fact that I have two jobs now and have absolutely no time to do anything fun anymore. I have probably blown it for the rest of the year to do anything fun...

I realize how boring and uneventful my life is now. No more traveling, no more doing things at a whim, no more dating people to get things I want. My life just isn't interesting. It's not even remotely fun. Hell it's not even worth blogging about 94.5% of the time. My research has shown that no one really gives a rat's ass about a non-single gay guy. Especially one that's aging...

Had it not been for my mother making me a cake at 6 this morning, I would be crying my poor little eyes out.

Ah it's early and today is officially my birthday. But also, today is another important day, World AIDS Day. Read more about it here.

I just got home - and I should be more tired but I'm not. I'm just gassy. A bit irritable from the gaggle of teenagers that were hanging out at IHOP when I ate. Damn they were grating on my nerves. But finally that ended - then Brandi and I went from there to Wal-Mart where I found Jesús. I saw a picture of my old Jeep and it is totally gone now... poor thing.

I find my job at the post office to be as boring as hell. The days I go there have got to be like the longest days of my life. Next week I go in at 4.30 pm instead of 3 which pisses me off. That means I'm scheduled until 1 am. I'm not going to be happy when I have to show up at my other job at 6 am.

Just so you have something to giggle about, here is an interesting fact about my weiner...

Bye for now - goodnight & junk.