October 2006 Archives

First and foremost...

And then comes the fun part when I talk about myself. Today the post office left me a message to call them. It was from the HR department and I know they want me to come back. So yeah - I like my crappy paying job. But at the same time, I don't want to give up an opportunity to go back to a decent paying job that I sit there and pretty much do nothing. So I have to choose what to do - if it were up to me, I'd work for both but I'm not sure if I can do that. I am a bit depressed about that because I like having a job in retail. Or a job where I at least move around.

So yes, I am a little sad about that. I need more money and I guess this is a blessing in disguise.

I have been quite depressed lately though. I am feeling so many things - I feel like a loser again but I guess I'm not too bad. I have found that I sugarcoat myself to make me sound better. I have been guilty with doing this to my partner so he doesn't worry about me too much. I am more up front now and honest which I think is a good thing.

And last night I dreamt that I was in school again. I had a paper due which I had about 3 sentences done. I also had a test due that I didn't study for too. The professor didn't like me either - I was actually trying to suck up to her and be an ass kisser and she wasn't having any of it. Scary dream, eh?

Oh well, things to go back to Melb. are on track. I am hoping it happens soon. I am tired and bored so I'm gonna go. Bye.

Just want to say Happy Halloween to all you weenies out there. I have to work today so I gotta go. Have a good night and stuff.

So the New Jersey Supreme Court rules in favor of same-sex unions... will Texas be next? Uh huh, yeah right. Maybe in about 300 years.

I have to say that this is a very good victory indeed but I ask myself, will or can this have any effect on me? Probably not. I know not yet since my partner and I are from two different countries. I can't even really say that it's our crappy president's fault. I personally think that it's the people of the USA's fault. Why? Because they have to throw God into everything they do. It's kinda like everybody has these 1 hour conversations with God on the phone everyday and they know exactly what he/she wants for EVERYBODY.

But, let me set one thing straight (tee hee), not all gay men were touched and fondled by nasty, older (and supposedly 'straight' men). I know that didn't convert me from liking women to men. No, it's my full belief that it's perfectly acceptable to be attracted to men or women (but not like this). I just, um, I'm attracted to men more. There are just so many stereotypes that aren't true, though people think they are.

I'm still a big advocate for immigration equality. That's why the decision really has no effect on me. If I could go and get married in New Jersey, then actually leave New Jersey (or Massachusetts or Vermont) and have it stand for something, that would be great. I've had suggestions to move to Canada, but then I would have to deal with the BOTH of us migrating to Canada which would be very expensive and very, very involved. And really, I'd hate to take my partner so far away from his family though they don't even live in the same country... but it is a lot closer.

Of course, living in the USA isn't a bad thing. I like it here, but of course, if you read above, you'll see my frustration with just how involved religion is with our laws. In Australia, I don't feel that religion really is the center point of everything - but I can be wrong. I guess it's just not that noticeable.

And of course, Australia has the option for me to migrate as a same-sex partner. It's not marriage, but still, it is there, it's an option and yes, I wouldn't mind doing that. I have tried to do it before, but it failed. It's understandable why it failed though so I want to have another go at it a year or two down the road.

Gilbert has told me that we will get married only if it becomes legal. So far, we're shit out of luck. But at least Australia makes a little more progress in equal human rights.

I actually forgot the point of this - but hooray for NJ. Who knows, this will lead to more equality across the States. Anyway, I'm sick - not feeling well, so I will go now.

It's not a picture I found with Google Pictures, but still, I found this to be one of the funniest pictures of myself I have seen in a long time.

Brandi wanted me to pose with a statue so I did... and I had to find the dirtiest thing to do because I knew she'd take a picture of it. I swear I was about to pass out from laughing. Every time I look at it I want to laugh.

So here it is:

And to see more of her pictures, go here. You'll see some more pictures of me posing with statues.

Mmm-mmm good.

I woke up about 45 minutes ago from what seems to be a really crappy dream. I had a dream that my sister got a divorce so she could be with a very ugly skinny guy that looked like he was in his late 40s and I wouldn't even look the guy in the face. Then I had a dream about eating some canned peaches because I just crave those things sometimes. Then, I dreamt I went back to The Philippines where I saw my ex. I stayed at his place (along with my family, go figure. And what's strange is that I could hear people speaking Tagalog and well, I honestly don't know if my mind was making it up as it goes or what. But my ex looked extremely pale with blonde hair and he told me that he had AIDS and that he gave it to 5 of his exs to get even with the world. And he said when he told them, they didn't really care or told him they wanted it anyway. So I finally realize that I am dreaming and wake up - and unfortunately, I have lost all contact with the boy in real life. I am a bit sad about that.

But... isn't that creepy? I do know that I read something somewhere about the Australian guy who was infecting other guys (though he is married with 2 kids) knowingly with HIV. But that had to be days ago. That is a bit scary though because you don't really know who has it by looking at them... not like my dream.

My weird dreams may also have something to do with me cleaning out the pool when it's 70º F (about 20º C) degrees outside. The water was freezing because of the 10 inches (25.4 cm) of rain that fell this week.

Oh, some good news is that my fees for school will be paid this upcoming week regardless of how idiotic the university is. So after that, I get to buy overseas health coverage (insurance), have my medical exam done and do my student visa. And of course it wouldn't be happening if my bf wasn't helping me along.

My birthday is roughly a month away too. Now that I think about it, in my dreams last night I told one of my friends (who I haven't seen for years) that I was getting old.

My dreams are filled with people i haven't seen in a long time. Most I wish I could see or hear from again, but that's not really possible. The rule is, don't let yourself fall out of touch in the first place.

Good day to everybody.

Well, I have figured out that I'm going to be in a bit of trouble if I don't get a new job before I leave. Yes, I'm actually saving money quite well, though it forces me to stay at home and do nothing. I'm getting a little bored of this. It's like there is really nothing anymore to amuse me.

So I'm just going to touch a few things on what's going on around me in the news and such:

New Red iPod Nano

Apple released a new red iPod Nano yesterday with $10 of every sale going to Africa to fight AIDS. And of course, a red iPod is stylish so of course, I want one though I already have a black video iPod that I love. No real need for a new one, so I have to forego this one... but here's a picture anyway.

Dreams, dreams and more dreams

Lately I have been having a lot of weird dreams but it seems like my dreams deal a lot with flooding and water. I'm not really sure. I do remember last night that I was in Australia and someone gave me a nametag at a party where some girl was in the corner giving people lotion (for their hands, pervert). My nametag said "Jap" on it so I called Gilbert to hurry up and come get me because my nametag said something racist on it. Then I looked at it again and it said "Bej" on it. I dreamt that I had 3 mexican kids at one point, go figure... and I dreamt that Miranda, my ex turned lesbian, was in bed in one of my bedrooms and she wasn't happy. More like bitchy so I said whatever and walked away. Oh yeah, and I dreamt that my cousin Jeff was a body builder.

And you know something, I can't think what has caused these weird-ass dreams lately. It's been like this for about a week now. It's not a lack of sleep because I have been getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep every night (except this morning, it's more like 10).

A Project with Pictures

My friend, Micky, that he needed to keep himself busy while he was out of school. I don't think that he goes back until I do which is pretty creepy, that's like five months away... but anyway, I told him to go out with his camera and take pictures of his favorite things. I'm supposed to be doing the same thing but haven't started yet. I should so I am going to start on that today. So maybe we'll see some new pictures soon. I have already made a category in my pictures for it but you can't see it yet because there's nothing in it.

That's all.

Not much of what's going on, but oh well. I did get some stuff down so that's good.

Feel free to comment if you feel the need or share some of your pictures with me or something like that.

It's been a few days since I've said anything and wow, am I dead-ass tired. I helped Brandi study for an exam last night and drank some coffee. The coffee had me waking up every hour that I remember. My dreams were full of working at a hospital in surgery with my boss at the place where I work now.

Brandi and I went out today and she joined the gym. I felt bad for not joining too - I really should but I also need to be saving money. I might try it out a little bit though just to see and maybe go for a few months then go to the uni to work out. The place was small but I guess less than $30 USD/month isn't bad.

I am feeling kinda blah lately with my job and my crappy-ass paychecks.

Gilbert also told me that he might come to the US to stay for a few days then head back to Melbourne with me. If he does, that will be great. But I will have to meet him in LA possibly.

I would say more interesting things here or be a little more exciting if I were more awake but I'm not. Ben's tired.

Well, here I am again... for 2 days in a row, wow! I know, it doesn't happen very often does it. My stress level is still through the roof but at least I did talk to the chinese guy yesterday afternoon. He woke up around 5 am just to talk to me and I think that is super sweet of him.

While I was showering earlier, I was thinking... that's where all my best thinking is done. I was thinking about when I would be sitting around touching my willy just to do it. Sometimes you'd think that I just found it that day. Gilbert would say "You know, you don't have to touch it all the time." And he'd put it away. (And I know you straight ladies and gentlemen are probably cringing at that... heh heh.) Well I was thinking about that and I had a laugh about it. Because it's really cute when he'd say "You're always playing with it." And I'd say "that's because you won't let me play with yours." How cute is that?!

He's going to end up saving my life if he hasn't already. He's done a lot for me. I wish I could do the same for him but of course, he's a lot more successful than I will probably ever be. I admire him for that. (Sounds bad, but it's not.) I guess... I guess that I do love this guy a lot. I, um, am frustrated with a few things, of course and I won't go into that here. But what can I say, he's a good guy.

And he's so cute too, see? That has to be the cutest picture of him that I have. I didn't realize just how cute it was until I looked at it a bit. Of course, I have more photos of everybody here. I'm going to add a few more albums soon with people from Australia and just random crap. :)

Oh yes, and the webcam is up and going. Well half of it is. The ability to view from the website isn't up yet - I haven't even made those pages yet and I'm not going to do that tonight. I have to work tomorrow morning.

I also may do the password thing - but I'll go into detail about that later.

Anyway, goodnight. Yeah, I feel a bit better and hopefully I will be able to stay at work tomorrow.

Life sometimes is not fun. I realized that I am having a very, very hard time dealing with stress. The smallest things stresses me out. I realized this morning that I need to get off my ass and on my feet regarding next semester.

Of course, I went to work this morning thinking about that and had to eat a few stomach medicine things because I knew it was going to get ugly later. A few hours later, I felt like I was being stabbed right below my ribcage and I could feel myself sweating from hurting so much. I drove home and stopped, thinking something to eat would help me (because I don't eat breakfast much) and I stopped, 2 minutes after I stopped, the feeling came back so I left.

I really, really wish that Deakin would get off their lazy asses and answer my fucking questions. I mean really, you'd think that I asked them the meaning of life or something the way they are stalling. I asked them like a month ago... and it is closing in on 3 months before I leave and I haven't gotten anything together. You'd THINK that if someone wanted to pump in $52,000 (at least) into their university, they might want to get their asses in gear. If I knew this was going to be such a headache, I'd go somewhere else - like LaTrobe or somewhere. Or hell, here in the states.

So that is what is stressing me out. It's stressing me out to the point where I have missed another day of work and I have been barfing and on the toilet all stupid morning. The more time goes by, the more I think some kind of medication would be best for me. I'm getting so sick and tired of this.

But, of course, a part of me wants to be in Australia and anybody who knows me knows that I'm not going to quit... so there we go. But I so cannot let this keep controlling my life. I'll definitely have to call that stupid university on Sunday or talk to Gilbert and make him do it. Something must be done!

Oh yeah, I added some more pictures.

Hey, it's been a while since I've posted anything meaningful and I guess now would be a great time to do that. So hello everybody. It's been a nice little vacation, but I'm back, I guess.

So yes, I am still around.  Still working but getting a little less happy than I was thinking about the absolutely craptacular pay I get.  I skipped today because I was getting burnt out on it.  I think I did pretty damn good to go one month without missing a day.  I also have tomorrow off so I wanted to be able to relax for a little bit.  What was weird is that when I usually fake being sick, I do get a bad stomach ache - and today I didn't have one.  Tomorrow I am definitely going to try to get another job because I can't keep wasting my time like this.

In about 4 months, I am "supposedly" off to Australia.  Still, my vital questions for the university go unanswered.  I am going to wait a few more days to get an answer from them.  I would really think that they'd work a little harder to answer my questions if I am going to invest $55,000 into their institution over the next three years.  Don't you think I'd get a little more respect than having to wait 2 or 3 weeks for a damned answer?

I can't really get anywhere until those questions are answered.  Once those questions are answered, I can FINALLY pay my fees.  When those fees are paid, then I have to do my student visa.  Before that's finalized, I have to purchase overseas health coverage, get a physical done and think about buying a ticket to LA.  So I am waiting - right now, I am actually supposed to be getting my student visa done.  I'm actually very mad, but as Gilbert says, I need to be more aggressive, or um, proactive.

I also found something called "Here, here" that I wrote a while back, from when I lived in my old house.  It had to be from about 10-12 years ago.  I remember, one day, just following 'something' into a place in the forest then just stopping and thinking - now what?  Around the time, I was battling a bit of depression I think for one reason or another.  I guess the something could have been described as the spirit or ghost of a little girl... then I looked around when I stopped and it disappeared.  Um, my house was actually 'inhabitited' (I can't say haunted because she wasn't very scary) by a girl of about 8-10 years old - and I'm curious now to know whether that was the case or not.  If 'she' was actually the same person.  It really made me think back and reflect around that time period.  You know, the days when my self-esteem wasn't totally wrecked.  Yet, I was depressed...

I'm a bit down today, but in a way, I'm not really depressed.  I am starting to dislike my job, and I am getting fed up with the uni for not handling things the way they really should.  I'm sure if someone were to give me around $140,000 or a Nintendo Wii, I'd be pretty darn happy. :)

But anyway, just letting you guys know that I'm still kickin' chicken.  I should go to sleep but I don't want to - the internet is boring me a lot lately.  Bye for now.

technorati tags:reflections, of, the, past, ghost, lyrics, music

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