July 2006 Archives

After another night of getting no sleep, I have decided to quit my job. I went in and quit earlier and my supervisors were NOT happy. They treated me like a red-headed stepchild right before I left. No one said anything to me really about it, which I find is surprising. Really, no one would even talk to me right after I quit.

I thought about sending an email to my 'boss' but it's not going to do any good. I missed my orientation by 30 minutes anyway, and I just hate the company I had to work for. (Conn's for those who don't know). I have always hated everything about the company and working there just made me feel like I was one of them.

Anyway, onward ho to find another job - one that I can stand at least! The pay may be a lot worse, but at least I have my sanity, right? And maybe I can sleep again. That will be good.

A lot of people there were saying that it didn't look like I was very happy there anyway. A lot of people around me said that I seemed very depressed, upset and mostly tired. They're right. I feel a lot better now that I don't have to go back... money isn't a problem (yet) but I need to be on my toes!

Wish me luck, yeah?

As time goes on, you'd think I'd get a little more comfortable with my job - and I'm not. What's amusing is that every time I'm gone, people seem to think that I won't be coming back. And that is so about to be the truth again. To summarize for the new people here: I hate my job because I was/am inadequately trained. Tomorrow is my new hire orientation... yeeeeeeeah. Go figure. I am not meeting any goals - they've been stupified for me and I still can't meet them. I really feel like I'm the stupidest person in the office... maybe I am, I don't know. I do know this though: I never want an office job ever again. Well, an office job in the credit department.

Right now, I'm quite depressed, tired, confused and angry. I just don't know what to do. I will go to the orientation tomorrow, but if tomorrow sucks as bad as today, I have no choice but to leave and attempt, again, to get my job back at the post office. I'm definitely gonna miss a certain girl at work and she wasn't there today, so maybe if I can't make it through tomorrow, I can tell her goodbye.

I have to be AT work at 7:30 am tomorrow. God damn it. And today, god's last name IS damn.

Has anybody listened to Thom York's new CD, "The Eraser"? I keep playing the song... The Eraser in my head. Here, courtesy of iTunes (and if you buy, I don't get credit for it so I'm doing it to be nice).

I know I'm naughty when I admit this, but of course I think there are many gay (or bisexual) guys who do this...

I'm not going to lie and say that I don't have online personals. And some are pretty revealing, I must admit. Why do I even bother, you ask? I found that I like the attention. I like the whole "you can see, but you can't touch" idea.

Over the past few years, I've learned a few things about people:
Guys with muscle have egos the size of the Pacific.
Not all asians have small willies.
Not everybody can read (and write).
They think that since I am with an asian, I must be a rice queen.
They think that since I like older asian men, I must be in it for the money.
The types of Mexicans I lust over aren't gay, in fact they have lots of children.
Some guys will say anything to get me into bed with them.
People think that since I have a profile, I'm looking for a new lover (which is far from the truth).
People think that since I have a profile, I'm a grade A slut who will give it up to anybody.
Asian men are surprised when they see I have little interest in their culture.
Asian men are surprised when I don't treat them like 2nd class citizens, but humans.
I have learned that I have a very sexual side, but rarely act on it.
... and so much more.

I do admit that a lot of my experience is from asian men though. I have a preference and apparently can't give that up. I mean, my partner is... (which also gives people the impression that I am only interested in asian men) and really, I don't see 'asian' in him. I see him as a cute, caring, handsome guy.

Oh, and I also learned that I am intimidated by the men with muscles. I love them, but why would any of them want me, a skinny, hairy guy? It makes me wonder...

I often ask myself why I'm even gay in the first place. What made me like this, if anything? And no, nothing ever happened to me during my childhood. Nothing bad except I was quite a bit sheltered, but other than that, no. My sister and I played with Barbies because I was fascinated by just playing pretend I think. I also thought it was funny when my sister took Ken's head off and put it on Barbie's body... creepy shit there.

I think, actually, in high school I stopped trying with women. I never got laid... I thought about it, but I finally accepted that it wouldn't happen. I don't think it's anything that anybody did to me... no bad exs or anything like that. I think a lot of the time I would fight my gayness. I wanted to be "normal" but, well, I'm anything but. I love the odd, the interesting and fun (that's why I use Opera).

Sometimes I'm curious if I am bi (not bi-curious...) because women can be beautiful too. I'd probably eat a snatch if I could. (And I have never put my penis near a woman before, sexually at least!) I feel bi because yeah, women can be really hot. But the kind of women I like (the nerdy, yet beautiful ones) I don't feel would like me back. And the number one reason why I haven't even bothered: because I am in love 100% with a man. I don't want to lose that connection with him at all.

When push comes to shove, I think people should be able to love whoever. Why limit yourself to a certain sex? Why deprive yourself of feeling intimate with someone just because they have the same sexual organs as you do? I'm not saying everybody should be gay, oh good lord no... I, for one, am thankful that there are people who populate the world (who know how to raise the little imps)... it makes the pressure on me a lot lighter. And let's a lot less bad kids in the world.

So I guess I'm here, I'm queer and mmmm, I'll get used to it. I am used to it. Very rarely is my sexual preference the center of my life.

Those are my thoughts for the moment. I am just thinking out loud... just ignore the occasional burp in your ear.

A big spider decided to come inside with me tonight. Because he was so big, I decided to step on him - when I did, about 100 little spiders burst out of it... how fucking disgusting is that? Needless to say, I got most of the little buggers and boiled them with hot water. Of course, the momma spider is dead now - crushed on the floor still.

Who knew spiders can be so fucking disgusting?

As time passes, I am feeling better and better. I think it's interesting because the day I went back to work (just so I could quit), my fortune cookie said: The step may only be a tiny one, but trust that it may be the largest one possible for now. Then of course I got my lucky lottery numbers, but Ben doesn't play the lottery... it's such a gamble.

So yes, that's nice isn't it? These are the first steps to accomplish my goal of returning to Australia because yes, I have goals to accomplish here in the USA for now. Of course, I'd love to take the biggest steps to get me there, but sometimes it can't be done. I'm doing what I can do to get there, and when I get there, it will be worth it again.

And of course, I have to go to work early tomorrow so I really should get to sleep. Then Thursday, no work, which is good. I also had the idea that I was off Saturday, but I'm not... I also thought I deleted the days off my calendar that I didn't work last week... hmmm, something tells me I should find the schedule.

I hate shaving everyday... and I've been eating out everyday... of course Vietnamese food. Gilbert's excited about that - so many vegetables. :) Anyway, I'm outta here - goodnight everybody.

Oh yes, and new pictures have been added to the SimpleFinder Photo Album.

Work is still a stuffy subject right now, but I'll talk anyway. I went in today with the mindframe that I was definitely going to quit, but I didn't. I sat down with a supervisor and told her that I just can't stomach this work (literally) and she asked me if I really wanted to quit and I said not really. So I stayed a bit. I trained some more and now I feel a little better. So I have to get up early tomorrow and go to work. Not so bad really. It'll get easier in time. I still don't want anybody asking me how work is going though... really.

Though I'd rather work for the emergency medical services company here (or any of them really), I think this will do just fine.

I am a bit sleepy now but just wanted to update you guys on how it's going. I feel better for the most part, but I'm still quite a bit bitter. Still more or less unhappy, but at least I am dealing with it.

The past few days have been pretty tough on me. I haven't been to work since Thursday. I'm just a bit depressed really. And this is why:

I hate don't like my job
There, I said it. But, doesn't everybody? I spoke to Gilbert about it yesterday and he always brings up some pretty good points. Everybody has to work. Everybody has to put up with the bullshit of going to work 4 or 5 days a week. But... why do I hate my job so much? I am expected to do way too much. My multitasking skills aren't good at all. I'm expected to multitask. I can't. I don't know how to do a lot of the job functions I'm expected to. And that makes me feel like I am doing things wrong or inadequately. The job environment is awesome... probably the most awesome of anyplace I've worked so far (except in Sydney). I hate having so much to do. Also, I really have to network with people - and my professional skills with communication are very weak - practice makes perfect though. I can do it. And I have to keep telling myself that to keep on - I only have to keep this up for a few more months.

I miss my partner
Yeah, I miss him and his infinite wisdom. I miss his cooking and his constant persistance of shoving vegetables down my throat and forcing me to drink 5 gallons of water everyday. He is the one that keeps my spirits up, really. I told him about how frustrated I am and what he said is right: complaining and bitching about it isn't going to help. I need to tell someone what's going on - what my frustrations are or it's never going to get any better. And how true is that? I miss me having to turn him over to stop his snoring - his morning kisses, our weekends together - hopefully in a few months I'll get that and him back.

My sister is addicted to World of Warcraft
Yes, she is addicted. And I can only blame myself because I'm the one responsible for introducing her to it. I feel a bit sorry for the kids, but they deal. :) I'm sure she'll kill me if she reads this. I was reading a few things about addiction to that game - which, luckily, I haven't gotten addicted yet and most likely won't. I want to cancel my account soon anyway.

Odds and Ends
I miss Australia and Australians but I still hate John Howard. He's ugly. I smell either peas and/or fried okra. I love okra. I was a vegetarian yesterday too, speaking of okra. I also had some kick-ass strawberry cheesecake from Luby's yesterday. Oh yes, and I have the internet and a phone at home now. Um, hooray and stuff.

Summary
I think really, putting all of this down makes me feel a bit better. You'll notice sometimes that I will completely flip-flop the way I feel from the start to the end of a weblog entry. Because sometimes I need to get this stuff out. And sometimes I just want to get it OUT and in the open without hearing any immediate feedback. I can be strong, I bet. And good lord, I can have a job that I hate and still live - I mean, look at me when I was at the post office!

For once, I really want to write something where I'm not bitching so much or feeling sorry for myself. I'm sure when I get more comfortable with my surroundings, I'll be good to go.

So broadband wasn't installed when they said it would be after they conveniently switched and twisted around the rules of when they can install it. So I am still netless for a day or two. I have them returning tomorrow, so hopefully they'll get their shit together and do it right the first time. I am really, really starting to hate Time Warner as a company. (Which yeah, includes AOL & Netscape)

Anyway, the new job is going along nicely, I guess you could say though I have proclaimed sickness as a reason not to work most of the day. It's really the first time when I've had my own desk, my own phone, my own computer and such - and it's alright but I have to put up with a lot of BS along the way. For some sad reason, I can't multitask as well as I hope to. I'm still unfamiliar with how to do things, and that really puts a dent into what I can actually accomplish. Yesterday was horrible and I feel a bit out of place, but I don't want to quit this job at all. Hopefully tomorrow will be better (yes, I have to work Sat)

Anyway, I just wanted to say hi to you all... anybody who reads this. I haven't checked to see how much traffic I have been getting. Most of the time, I don't even care. But for some reason I do... but I guess one of the main problems is how I move sites every few months or don't update. I was hoping that people would actually be happy that I am updating at least every few days. A lot of people also are put off by the fact that I have a login system (which isn't even half done), so they think that they have to pay me directly - which is not true. My site is free and will remain free, but I do believe that rewards should come to people who help me out. That is what it's for. :)

So yeah, new job, new look... it's all good. Look around my site a bit because some stuff has changed. And soon I hope to get rid of the beach picture and do something with my webcam. They're not as big as they used to be, which is good news for me.

SOOOO in summary (in a sick way) if you have something to say, you can either tell me by sending an email or just comment on this. I'm not going to beg for comments or mail - just do it if you feel like it. Good deal?

I'm very, very tired though it's only 3:30 pm so I'll go now. Bye for now!

A few changes have happened to my website. I finally got some of the updates uploaded though...

- Site Updates added to the menu. (ex-Newsletter)
- Contact page updated.
- Features removed. Tori Amos video link removed.
- New photos and viewer added.
- New arrival link on the menu added (but won't stay).
- Links at the top of the page changed.

I'm still not online very much - just so you know. And of course that's all I want to say now.

I thought that I would write something a little more meaningful since I sorta half-assed writing something yesterday. So, here you go - and Ben's got pictures of himself dressed up for his new job. (And yes, I am writing in third person... how much fun is that?)

Yeah, I have a new job but unfortunately, they haven't gotten back to me to tell me when to come in. I am expecting next week. There was some sort of mixup with my drug test or something (which I know I passed, there's no reason for me not to). So that has delayed me getting a paycheck... and I need one! Oh yes, I'll be working for an electronics chain in the finance/ecommerce department. Woooooo hoo! So I have to dress like that everyday.

So the pictures, you ask? They're here:

Awlright, so that's not the nicest pictures of me, but at least it works. I need to get a haircut or something - or maybe laser surgery on my face so I'll never have to shave again... I hate being a guy for that reason!

So I hope you enjoyed that because a lot of people have never seen that before - but I wanted to share it with you.

Updates ARE coming soon. I promise.

Yes, I'm still alive. :)

I get the internet installed in a few days - and I'll be posting updates then.

I'm fine. I have a new job. Etc.

Yeah, I'm bumming more internet from Brandi here, but I think she likes it so it's okay.

I took a day to get some sun today but it sorta backfired on me. I'm really red and when I am sunburnt, I look like a total dumbass.

I also have a job interview tomorrow at 4 pm. A bit late, yes, but I think it'll be okay. (I'm actually already employed already) I might as well try, don't you think. I have to get over this unnecessary fear of situations like that and the more practice I get the better. I could probably handle a little more training on dealing with people since I'll probably be doing that for the next 50 years of my life.

Sometimes I wonder why I try - but then I remember that dealing with people is something that I am going to have to do for the rest of my life and it's unavoidable. I've found that I have a degree of social anxiety and sometimes it gets bad. I tend to avoid situations where I am in the spotlight, like job interviews.

And for those who know me, you know that I have a very bad problem with my nerves. And I fear that it's getting a lot worse than it was. It gets so embarrassing when I can't sign something because my hands are shaking so bad. People sometimes look at me and they wonder what the heck is wrong with me. I hear my family tell me to stop shaking so much, but honestly, I can't help it. I am a little better today, and I have heard that a lack of Vitamin D or K is the cause of it. I don't remember which one, but it's one that you get from sunlight. And for the past 10 years, I can probably count the number of days when I willingly stayed in the sun. I am ghost white right now, very pale and to a point it's very sickly. So I'm going to try to stay more in the sun - but that sort of thing ages skin and gives you skin cancer. I am doing pretty damned well not to have any skin problems, like spots anywhere or scars.

I do know that my grandfather has Parkinson's Disease and that itself makes me a candidate for it, so I hear. My family makes it a point to tell me that I probably have it too.

I am a horrible bundle of nerves at the airport because I really hate flying. I've flown more times than I can count, but every single time, I get so anxious. It's borderline fear until I get on the plane. I especially hate takeoff. Landing, I'm good.

But all of this makes me want to go to the doctor. I went to the doctor before for this several years ago and they said that I'm "just a nervous person" and it didn't need medication or such - but when I get a stomachache from stress and have to cancel about 40% of my plans, that's when I really need to realize that I need to get off my ass and on my feet.

And I must do that before I head back to Australia at least so at least my thought process won't be interrupted by nerves.

AND... of course tomorrow is my sister's birthday. And I doubt she reads this - but happy b'day just in case. I'm outta here to get surfing out of my system. :)

Hello everybody. I was hoping to get to update a little bit but then I realized that my whole website is on an external hard drive... you know, the one that I didn't bring with me? So, yeah, oops. I was thinking how bad I need to remove that last section on the menu (which originally was just there to fill space.)

Yesterday, I noticed that there are some screwups (layout & graphics) on my site when using Internet Explorer 6. Why doesn't that surprise me? I haven't looked with IE 7 yet, but I think IE 7 may fix it. So yes, grab either Firefox or Opera and those problems might go away right now.

And of course, I noticed there was some news about Opera for Nintendo DS. So good stuff - probably won't do any good when browsing this site though - heck, I don't know. I am not in Japan and I haven't used it yet anyway - but here's a picture and here's some information about it:

Also... I will be selling both of my Macs for a newer one soon. I am thinking about getting a Macbook since it's pretty much the equivalent of my iMac. Maybe it won't give off enough heat to warm a mansion in Alaska.

Another away from home blog entry...

I'm updating again from Brandi's house and wanted to say that the updates to my site are going along nicely. I think I mentioned that a lot of the "Get a Username" links will be simplified as well as the 'members area'. It's looking very nice - and those updates should happen on 19 July, when a phone line and broadband is installed at the place where I'm staying.

I'm a bit depressed lately mostly because I miss my partner. And of course, I found myself calling him this morning to say - I hope you have a great day. I miss those morning kisses like crazy! I actually miss the dinners he makes too.

It seems like it's been raining every day for the past week... oh wait, that's because it has. I love the rain, but this much is too much.

So hello, Ricardo and thanks for your messages. Not a lot to update about so I guess I will think of something soon.

Bye for now!

First, a shout out to Lissy who left me my first comment here at idiologic.com. Thanks a bunch!

And I would be posting a little more often if I had internet access at where I'm living now. I don't, so I am bumming some off Brandi for a bit.

Less than a week at the new place and a weed whacker and chainsaw were stolen. Who feels safe? I sure the hell don't - especially when it was stolen while I was there by myself!

Oh, I do have a new job. I'll be working for a major cell phone company here in the USA doing tech support. I was hoping that USPS would at least tell me something so I can get a bit better pay, but I'll settle for this now.

Though I got that offer from the university in Australia, I pretty much am waiting to see what Deakin University says. La Trobe University has the physiotherapy program that I want to do BUT again, it's quite a distance away. The one at Deakin will be a little bit closer - at least I can get there by tram a little easier daily. I'm not sure why no university really has a school for nursing inside Melbourne. Well, the ones that do are way out of my league (right now).

I am also working on some site updates but of course I can't post them now - but it's a lot of simplifying. Good stuff.

Exciting news! And of course this warrants two postings for today. I got my offer letter from one of the major universities in Australia (and one that ranks highly). I have sent that information to my partner to see what he thinks...

It's going to cost me about $19,500 AUD per year to go to this school which yes, is extremely high. Not only this, I have to have an additional $12,000 AUD in my savings account. The campus is about an hour or so away from where I live, which makes going back and forth a problem. But it's a major university! I seriously doubt Gilbert will "let" me go there anyway. There is another school that I am attempting to get into and I hope to get that one because it's right in the city. And it's about $5,000/year cheaper.

So of course, I have a lot to think about. But at the same time, I am excited because I didn't think I could do it. That shows me that I do have potential, don't you think?

I have a few more stories to tell about the 8 feet of dog shit my sister's dog left in the floor. That shit stunk, literally. It was then that I saw the dangerous effects of World of Warcraft. Damn addictive crap. Anyway, Happy Fourth of July... I'm gonna backdate this a little bit so it is posted on the 3rd because really that's when I started it. :)

Anyway, goodnight. I have to do the family thing tomorrow.

It's the day before 4th of July and I am sitting around in bed because apparently the chinese food I ate yesterday didn't agree with me that well. It's also very rainy and dark outside so I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing today.

I did get to talk to my partner yesterday. I get a bit depressed when he doesn't call but he woke up at 1 am (for Melbourne) to call me. It was very nice of him. I guess I am spoiled to the fact that he calls me each weekend for a while... even if it's for a few moments. It really made my weekend a lot better!

And... let's discuss dreams real fast... I dreamt last night about a high school friend of mine. I sorta knew back then that I had a major crush on him but of course I ignored it because it had not sunk in that I liked men. I haven't talked to him since then though I have heard that he was a bartender at a gay club around here. To me, he was the sexiest guy alive - let me touch his shaved legs, his chest and stuff (not that kind of stuff though) and invited me over a few times. Nothing ever happened though - but boy was this guy hot. There are times where I do wonder what would have happened if something DID happen, would we still be in touch now? Who knows. Maybe someday it will happen. Oh, the dream basically was one of the sweet ones where we spend time with each other, kiss and stuff like that. But of course, I'm already with someone so I don't think I should go on a hunt now or not. I've tried to find this guy, but I haven't been successful.

I also had weird dreams last night - but it would have been the kind of dreams that make children wake up screaming. I had a demon or something licking my face and cursing a lot. I finally got tired of it and woke up - and I could have sworn there was a ghost on my bed. I sorta ignored it and covered my head with my sheets then went back to sleep. It was a bit scary but of course, I just ignored it for the most part... it was a small one but I couldn't see much.

I usually see them when I am depressed, sad or majorly stressed out. But really, I'm not really depressed or sad... stressed out might be the one that's doing it. I need to get back to work and soon! But the searching for jobs and stuff sucks... I could have sworn I'd be working for the post office when I got back. Of course I should have learned that those douchebags can't get crap done in a timely manner.

Anyway, I am going to get out of bed and eat some cake. Cake makes all the pain go away and hopefully reminds my stomach that cake is much better than chinese food sometimes. :) Anyway, I gotta get out of bed - off my ass and on my feet. Bye now.

Over the past few days I have been helping my parents move from the destroyed house to their new house. Today I'm supposed to help them and in fact, I leave in about 20 minutes to do that. I'm mostly happy to help them do that though. Why mostly and not fully? Because my sister and I were completely chewed out yesterday because we were cleaning up their yard instead of moving boxes. (Apparently, the people who lived there before didn't believe in throwing anything away, so there are piles of junk left everywhere in the yard and well, that's just tacky.) I would really think that my dad would be more appreciative but you know what? He's not. I grew up with my parents both focusing on the negatives rather than the positives so I have actually grown up to be a very negative person. I can't take compliments too well (though I do love them, I don't believe them). I know for a fact the way that you're raised when you're a child directly affects who you are later in life.

I also have the problem of expecting a friend of mine to help me who said he would get back to me yesterday on what was going to go on today - but guess what? I haven't heard from him so I get to move a few refridgerators, washer, dryer and a few other large appliances by myself! Now how much fun is that?! I'm not very happy about that.

I have an interview for a job on Wednesday which still doesn't start for about 3 more weeks so that's at least 5 weeks without a paycheck. I'll be working for Sprint again or for T-Mobile. This is something I would rather not do, but well, it's money. The pay sucks compared to what I used to get at the post office but I can't sit around and wait for the post office to get back to me. It takes them forever to do anything.

Oh and also, for those who didn't know, I'm also teaching math and life science to my nephew over the summer. I know it's cruel and unusual punishment to go to school over the summer but I feel like he has to be caught up in his math studies so while I'm here, I'll be helping him and my sister out until I go back to Australia. Teaching's fun anyway. We get to do geometry soon! Oooooh aaaaaah!

ALSO! Who wants a username and login? If you want one for free for several months to a year, just either contact me and I'll make you one (without the Dreamhost signup and stuff) or sign up for the newsletter. If there is ANYTHING that you think would make my site more interesting, let me know, alright? Please do. I think my audience is a bit small at the moment so I'd love to expand. Link me, and I promise to link you on my front page or the top of every page. :)

Okey, I must get dressed now. Have a great day. (And the entry title is um, lyrics from a song by Desree I think it is.)