Idiologic.com weblog

The stress of holding my tongue, revealed

If you've been listening to my podcasts lately, you know that I have been juggling the idea around of changing my flight dates to the USA.  Ultimately, I have decided against it.

There are disasters happening in my personal life and unfortunately, that was the main reason why I wanted to leave as soon as possible.  I am a bit of an escape artist where I just get up and leave when life throws me too many curve balls.  it's a horrible, horrible habit and I need to get it through my skull that I can't just pick up and leave when I get tired of things.

I can't go into much detail about it right now but you'll hear all about it soon.

I am due to head back to the USA in November for the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year's holiday and still hold tickets to return so I am definitely not saying my final goodbye to Australia.  I am not really sure if I could do that anyway.  I'm not sure what's going to happen (as usual) so definitely in January 2011, I will decide whether to return.  Well, we will definitely see, won't we?

I know you guys that listen to my podcast will hear about it because that's where I say some of the things that I'm thinking.  It's like my notepad that I write my ideas on.  You'll just have to encourage me a bit to continue. :)

So here we are again and I'm not here with great news.  Of course, you might not care if you don't listen to my podcast.  But if you do, feel free to read on:

When are surprises not such a Smurfy surprise?

Something weird happened this morning when I woke up... the weird thing is that I wasn't exactly sure if I was awake or not but I remember hearing a voice and it was my dad.  I heard it from my lounge room saying "Felix needs fresh water."  I said back "I'll do it later, it's too early."  Then the voice got louder like it was coming down the hall and I heard "The dog needs water."  It was after that I remember everything started getting fuzzy and blurry and a figure (minus the waist and legs) appeared at the end of my bed and floated right to my face and I said "I love--" and it disappeared.  It was weird because I snapped out of it and I was short of breath.

I don't really like to leave sad things on my weblog for too long, but not sure if anybody reads it anyway, but I'll type anyway because it's good therapy.  People like me need therapy.  Lots of it.

I was watching an episode of South Park called "Erection Day".  When Jimmy gets the prostitute, I swear to God the hooker looks like someone I knew back in high school.  

Here's a picture of her:

Everything about the girl was off.  She was the kind of girl who either smelled like weed, cigarette smoke or burnt houses.  She was also the kind of girl who makes Republicans look like geniuses.  I seriously doubt she amounted to anything - actually I'm sure she didn't.  She's on my Facebook friends list, kind of unwillingly.

I am glad there are friendships that just didn't work out or didn't happen, not that she was really my friend.  Not only was she a habitual liar but also a thief.  And a manipulator.  THOSE are the kinds of people your parents don't want you to be friends with, and I'm so happy I took their advice.  (I was her friend for a tiny little while but she really was a bad influence.)

Just think, with the wrong friends earlier in life, I might have turned out to be a druggie, an alcoholic, a murderer or a combination of that.  There are people who are just toxic and it's better to leave those toxic people behind and move forward to make yourself a better person.

And gee, I hope this makes sense because I'm still watching South Park.  It's the one where Mr. Garrison becomes Ms. Garrison.  No comment on that! :)

Those of you who follow me at Twitter will know that I learned that a friend of mine passed away a few weeks ago, of course I just found out yesterday.  I'm still processing that because this friend was someone who was around when I was at my worst and always cheered me up in some form or another.  Many occasions he had saved my life by just being there--being an ear to listen to my problems.

It's a horrible feeling when you're not "there" to say goodbye to someone.  Needless to say, I didn't know things were that serious and there's no way I could have just chilled out in his home country to check on him.  I know that he left Australia but I based the reason off of what someone told me.  I'll tell you now that's not the best way to go.

My friend had been suffering for some time but he told me that it was his foot from an infection of some sort so he had to visit the doctor very regularly.  I went with him sometimes but I was never in the examination room with him.  Little did I know that it was so serious.

Lesson learned:  Treat people like it's their last day on Earth because you never know when life will come to a screeching halt.  

Today, things have all crashed in on me and I've been off antidepressants for about a month and a half now.  I'm handling everyday life quite well and proud of myself, actually.  It seems like yesterday that my father passed away and I realized that he's not coming back.  Along with that, I thought about my friend not coming back as well.  I cried and got some of it out today... as well as last night.  

I wish I could have had that extra few minutes to say goodbye to both of them.  I didn't get that.  I remember my dad asking me if I could be home a day earlier when I last saw him.  I told him that I will see what I can do and if I don't, I'll leave early in the morning and help him do some yardwork.  Little did I know that those 8 hours were going to make or break me.  I had also borrowed some cash from him and told him I'd pay him back in a few days.  I didn't get to do that later.  There are so many things that I miss about him from his constant spewing of sass to his adventurous appetite.  

As with my friend it totally upsets me that I didn't get to say goodbye.  I even went as far to send an email, knowing he couldn't get it, just to have it returned with a failure that said the account didn't exist.  I don't know when I will get that clearance I need to be able to move on, but I like to think he was hovering over my shoulder reading it while I typed it.

While I've been in Melbourne, I have kept myself locked up so to speak.  I haven't gone out of my way to do things or see my friends here, but I think it's about time for me to stop the nonsense.  You know, to snap out of it.

So to these people who I've lost over the year, I'll miss you tremendously and you'll forever remain in my heart.  Thanks for being there, for being a friend and understanding the person who is Ben.

Another weekend's here and it's been somewhat of a good one though I didn't do much.  Friday consisted of waking up a bit late, going to the Apple Store and standing in line with my friend for 3-4 hours to pick up an iPhone 4.  I played with his phone for a bit and it's a nice piece of technology, but I don't believe that I need one right away.  I mean, I just got my iPhone 3GS and it's been absolutely fabulous.  I had a real chance to play with an iPad and it's only a matter of time before I have to pick one up!  

On Saturday, I went to the same shopping center just to look around and iMacs caught my eye.  I keep asking myself if it's really smart to get one right now.  I am missing having a desktop that works.  I wouldn't mind getting a PC and an iPad but think I'd really miss having a Mac.

And that brings me to today, Sunday.  I'm about to head to IKEA to pick up a few things for the house... but I honestly forgot what for.  I think for a cheap light or something...

But anyway, hope you all are having a good weekend.

This is a very, very important change that may affect you!!!  (Most likely it won't, but just in case you picked up my feeds)

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